Child not enjoying St Albans school what should I do?

[Logicalwannabemother]

My son entered St Albans a week or two ago. He is doing well with three tutor commendations already. He doesn’t feel like he fits in and isn’t very happy. Doesn’t think it’s very challenging although I think it got 14th this year for GCSE. We don’t really know his academic position because the sets are jumbled up. But he has realised that he is the only one that enjoys things like advanced philosophy like Marx for example, watches intellectual debates/lectures and has much more of a “sophisticated general knowledge”. He isn’t very sporty so is called a nerd, but I’m sure that’s fairly normal. He has said that the teachers are overqualified, some parts of the campus are extraordinarily amazing but some are substandard. There are some opportunities like the Stephen Hawking society that invites famous scientists to give lectures as well. But the pupil body and just the overall feeling isn’t very appealing to him. He said that it seemed much better on the open day.

He has also been discussing about moving schools. What can he do? Are there any options like St Paul’s, UCS, Habs and possibly Westminster that could let him join at the end of the term or somewhere in the year? If they don’t are there any other options or do you think it foolish of him and me to think about moving? Please help.

My Dd started secondary last year. We had a very difficult first few weeks but by half term she had settled, found her tribe (in her case bright but sporty girls) and is now pretty happy.

Realistically it is unlikely that a school that has empty places 2 weeks into term is going to be what your son is looking for.

1. Is he being bullied?
2. Is he going to be happy anywhere? Sounds like he has a view of himself that he is superior to all - he will be in for a bigger shock if you don't sort this out now.

No, the issues from his previous school was related to the teachers. He used to laugh a lot in lessons, he found everything funny. This was in his early years so it built an impression. Many teachers disliked and there were several issues that we had to get involved into.

And he did have many issues with friends, he was always popular but in yr 7 there was a massive issue that made him unpopular. He didn’t really too much. He was definitely pissed but it was predominantly the medication that he had to take, that gave him extreme nausea every weekend. It was the worst.

Generally, he isn’t emotionally sensitive at all. Nothing really hurts him, emotionally.

I agree with PP that there could be autism there. Sounds a lot like YP I work with. And it runs in families. Have you considered this op? Can help people find a sense of their identity and tribe

@Logicalwannabemother , it's too late to move your ds to a leading boys private day school and I don't think you would find the situation any different if you did. Plus you need a reference from St Albans to move him. I suggest you meet with his class teacher / head of the year soon to discuss these issues and they can bring in extra support. He can move again for A levels and there are lots of options - a leading boarding, IB at somewhere like Sevenoaks or travel into London to a college like MPW where he only attends for lessons. Or he could try for a state grammar like QE.
Don't worry about the social stuff at weekends, I have a ds at a leading boys school and he sees few friends at the weekends as he likes to have a break from friends, these schools are very full on during the week.
You need to get on top of these issues as he won't find UK universities much different either.

@Logicalwannabemother it sounds to me that the most pressing thing (speaking as a teacher) would be to have your son assessed for social communication difficulties. He sounds like he is seriously struggling in these areas and St Albans should have a decent Learning Support department where they can enquire into what the problem may be.

Is there not a junior debating club?
My experience is only with London private school but usually these schools are full of boys like your son and would have loads of boys who have an interest in philosophy.
There are very unlikely to be places in schools like St Paul's and Westminster. I'm sure if you son gives it time he will find his tribe.

I don't know anything about the school apart from what others on this thread have said, but if it is one of the "top" academic schools in the country then it should be challenging enough for the brightest minds. What I see is a deeply unhappy boy who is masking this behind arrogance towards his teachers and fellow pupils. I imagine the school wants intellectuals and debaters but also to build boys who can lead, inspire, work a room, and that requires social skills your son is evidently lacking. Don't make a knee-jerk reaction and move schools, especially if you are only willing to consider very similar type settings. Set up a meeting with pastoral care, looking into assessments, counselling etc. Setting himself up as a superior loner is not an attractive future.

The worst teacher I have ever worked with had a doctorate from Cambridge.

Agree with others, sounds like he might have ASD. Any major change will really knock a child with ASD, so you will have a turbulent time initially no matter what school you send him to.
Grammars usually have a few similar boys floating around. My (grammar school) son was part of a politics and philosophy whatsapp group age 12 with a few of his classmates, and he is on the spectrum. That said, if I were you I would sit tight at his current school and try to reassure him. Once he has settled things should improve.

Definitely think your DS needs support at the moment and look into autism (from the limited information it sounds like that might be the case).

It is early days, and he's at that tricky age. It might just be it's a bit harder to make friends as such, assuming the boys have been together since y7, so the 'new kid' is floating around? It will get easier, but of course there's a huge difference in joining a school in year 7 compared to year 9.

Hopefully he will find his tribe soon, and enjoys school.

I have friends with kids at St As and I know MTS and Habs pretty well (applied to both, kids are at one of them).

St As is a very good school and academically on a par with the other two, although I'd say Habs has a slight edge. There's a different vibe at all of them - St A is very much a city centre school and parents find the bus-ing to Woollams a bit frustrating for sports activities at times. I'd say they're stronger at rugby than hockey and cricket.

Habs is probably the most 'nerdy'. Gets excellent results but not particularly strong at sport.

MTS more of an all-rounder - similar to St A academically but more sports focused.

One friend at St As hasn't been wowed by her experience. Nothing in particular but a bit underwhelmed on a few fronts.

While places do come up, I'd strongly recommend giving it to the end of the year before you decide.

I also don't understand why a highly qualified teacher is a bad thing.

Your son sounds like he is extremely bright and is doing amazingly well academically.

His soft and social skills, however, sound poor. Regardless of whether he has an undiagnosed SEN or not, perhaps this is something you could suggest he focuses on, with a view to him being a more rounded individual? It's not that easy to get on in life if you're an academic genius but you can't talk to other people without getting their back up.

I think your son needs help & support to understand that he should not be valuing people based solely on how ‘intellectual’ they are. Valuing others (& therefore yourself) based on academic achievements is (imo) a fast track to unhappiness.

I say this as someone with an Oxbridge degree, a doctorate & other degrees. My friends range from people who don’t have a single GCSE to Professors who have won awards for their contribution to their area of study. Everyone has value and something to contribute & your son should be encouraged to socialise with many different types of people. He doesn’t need to confine himself to people with his same interests. TBH moving schools isn’t going to help him unless he looks at a wider friendship group

Poor kid he sounds unhappy, and sadly for him (sorry for saying this OP), but it sounds as if you're taking his reasons for not being happy with school, friends on face value. So he doesn't get the guidance or support that he needs at home - he just gets you affirming that he's too superior for his peers and teachers. Unless he changes that attitude he's going to lead a very unhappy and lonely life.

Like others I suspect there is a huge amount of masking going on here. Whether it's undiagnosed ASD, or simply a teen being unhappy and blaming things beyond his control rather than working on the issues himself, I don't know. But for his sake put ideas of moving school out of his head and start working on him.

Surely overqualified is better than underqualified?

Besides doing a PhD is often when people get teaching experience and decide they'd like to do it.

I know one of these highly qualified teachers. After Brexit, research positions in their field dried up and they had to find alternative employment. Why your 13 year old son thinks he is in a position to judge the life choices of others, I really don't know.

He's only been there 5 minutes so it's far too soon to make a decision like this.

At a school like St Albans there will be a (fairly narrow) range of abilities- your son may be near the top and that's fine- doesn't mean it's the wrong school. He needs to find his feet and find some like-minded boys to befriend. My suspicion is that he's struggling socially and (consciously or unconsciously) mentally dismissing the other boys because of this. He needs to try to stop this and to stop arbitrarily dismissing the teachers likewise- he is in no position to gauge their teaching ability, what with him having been there a week and a half and being a 13yo boy.

So first, give it some time. Then maybe speak to his teacher if he's still struggling, in particular about clubs and activities that might help him meet some boys he'll get on with. If there's no philosophy club, maybe he can start one? I'd resist the urge to agree with him that the problem is that he's too clever, although I can see that that's a comforting idea for you both.

As for moving to Westminster etc- that's a very long shot but there's nothing to stop you picking up the phone and speaking to the head of admissions about whether there's any hope of a chance. Did he apply to those schools? But really, I don't think moving will necessarily solve the problem- I'm an OW and I can tell you from experience that 13yo boys at Westminster don't all sit around discussing Aristotle during break- they play football and laugh and dick about, same at St Albans boys and boys at all the other schools. He'd be far better off giving St Albans a proper chance.

Either your son has some issues rated to ASD or he is a superior little shit who will get not nearly as far as he thinks he should because if it's absolute lack of EQ. mummy - you - clearly can't see this is you think his views after such a short time there are worth listening to.

Moving school will not help him. Where has he got this notion that academics are everything? I'm sure there are many boys in his school brighter than him, and as he starts his GCSE syllabus how will he cope when he maybe fails at something? He needs to understand that social skills and the ability to get on with his peers is as important if not more. Not just at school but in life generally. I would definitely get him to see somebody who can assess why he is so behind in these areas. He sounds unhappy and rather than looking at what is really the issue he's blaming the school.

(Also this thread is extremely outing so do have a think about asking to take it down.)

Despite how tempting it is to laugh at some of the stuff in this thread, it actually sounds like your son is really struggling socially and has no idea how to bond with his peers. No school will necessarily solve this. He’s trying too hard. Get him out of his books, talk about anything other than school and introduce new things that he hasn’t tried.

He needs less school, not a different one.

And get him the hell away from philosophy. It’s an intellectual cul de sac that he can explore when he’s older. At his age it’s meaningless.

What is going on on here today. Everything I click on reads like absolute nonsense.

I’ve missed this!