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Secondary education

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Original poster

unhappy dd year 7 advice please

33 replies

smartiejake · 03/01/2008 21:31

You may remember a previous post from me about dd in year 7 and the problems she is having with one particular girl in her year who has been sending nasty MSN and text messages. DD goes to a private school which SHE chose althpough her friends went to other schools.
The school have spoken to the girl and her little hench men and things seemed ok on the last day of term.

Nasty MSN messages continued into the holidays until it came to a head on Christmas eve when my dh sent this girl a text message saying that it had better stop or we would be showing them to her parents and the school.
5 hrs later dh gets an irrate call from nasty girl's father saying how dare he threaten his little darling and that he had evidence that it was a 50/50 thing and that all his dds friends would back her up. Of course she had had 5 hours to call all her friends and doctor MSN messages putting my dd in the wrong.(I know this because I was there at the time said MSN messages were sent and I know what my dd replied.)

We have had a terrible few weeks with dd tears, everyone hates me etc.

Problem is that being a private school there are not many girls to choose from in the way of friends and 2 of the girls dd likes are also friends of nasty.
We are going into the school next week to speak to head but not really sure if this prob can be resolved. We have just paid £3k for this terms fees and she is saying she's not sure if she wants to go back.
Not sure what to do and if she did move schools where she would go.
She has loads of other friends from dancing and from her old school who she sees all the time but no matter how good a school is (and her school IS VERY GOOD)is it worth persisting with if she is so unhappy. What would you wise guys do?

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Original poster
smartiejake · 03/01/2008 23:09

bump

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brimfull · 03/01/2008 23:13

smartie-so sorry your dd is going through this.

I think my knee jerk reaction would be to move her to the school all her friends are at,but not sure really.

How many girls are there in her year?

Original poster
smartiejake · 03/01/2008 23:17

There are about 15 in total.
My knee jerk reaction would be to move her too but the other school is over subscribed and I'm not sure there would be a place for her. Another problem is that she has poor concentration and large classes with odd disruptive children (as there are at this school) wouldn't be a good thing for her.

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discoverlife · 03/01/2008 23:17

I would move her or Home Educate until she can get to the school her real friends are at. Are you quibling about the money or just the awkwardness of the situation. What is more important 3K or your daughters torment.

Heated · 03/01/2008 23:20

Poor you and dd, what an unpleasant madam. Can see where she gets it from!

Personally, I'd still see your dd's headteacher. Most schools these days have a policy on cyberbullying and they need to know what has been going on. Ask them what do the school do in these circumstances? What should your dd do if there is any unpleasantness from the UM in school? (You never know, this might be just the tip of the iceberg with this girl) Just set out the facts. Say one of the reasons why you've been so pleased with the school is the small class sizes and strong pastoral care.

Then I would be tempted to get dd a new phone/new number. Maybe leave the old one with the head (hee hee) or just get rid of it.

brimfull · 03/01/2008 23:22

oooh yes leave the old phone with the head

fab idea heated!

Quattrocento · 03/01/2008 23:29

Poor you and worse still your poor DD.

I think moving is a bit premature - you've only had a term - my DD falls in and out with people so regularly - things may change very quickly.

There are a number of actions to take - please get a copy of your school's bullying policy, have a meeting with the head, and insist on developing a plan of action.

Record all the instances of bullying, make your DD promise not to retaliate in any way, and doggedly and persistently insist on action being taken against the bullies.

brimfull · 03/01/2008 23:32

yr 7 is shitola

the girls are always falling out

differentYearbutthesamecack · 03/01/2008 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
smartiejake · 03/01/2008 23:47

No the £3k is not really the issue. We would write this off but as Quattro centro and ggirl said year 7 is shitola and perhaps a bit premature to move her just yet.

I really like the school- really caring and the head is fab but even so will dd really be able to make proper real friends who have just been threatened not to be horrid?

Home ed is not really an option as, although I am a teacher I do work part time.
Other prob is- friends at other school have all had time to make new friends and the private school pupils often come in for teasing and nasty comments from pupils at this school.
Would I just be setting her up for more of the same?

DH is little support to me over this as he is VERY close to her and gets VERY upset when she has friend problems. He has a very stressful job and is almost as much of an ostrich as I am.
Feel very alone at mo and don't know what to do but don't want to do anything rash.

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WendyWeber · 04/01/2008 00:02

Why haven't you/she blocked the nasty ones from contacting her on MSN/phone?

Original poster
smartiejake · 04/01/2008 00:28

dd has blocked the nasty one since christmas eve but the one thing that nasty's father and DH did agree on is that they were forbidden to send any messages this way anyway.

It's not so much the nasty one but her hench men who are now going to be the problem. They are very much under her control as perhaps afraid of coming under same treatment as my dd. Two of them seem to want to be her friend. Why are girls so bloody disloyal?

Nasty is a very controlling brat. When dd first started year 7 we had the pleasure of this horrid child for a sleepover and she spent all her time trying to tell ME what to do! Obviously she is greatly indulged and has her parents and other girls wrapped round her little finger.

Glad she is not within cattle prod distance. Keep imagining her with hair all frizzy!

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wotz · 04/01/2008 00:34

It is cyberbullying and the school should have a policy to follow.

Get yor dd a new contract and number, tell her not to give it to any of the girls at school. You keep the old phone. If you need to give it to the school when more texts come.

Don't text her back, dont let your DH text her back again.

Original poster
smartiejake · 04/01/2008 00:44

This is the problem. We have always taught dd to stick up for herself. So naturally she retaliates( although most of her replies have been" why are you being so mean to me?")
I have had a hard time over the last few weeks persuading her that if we want to have real ammo against nasty and her little frinds she must not send anything back.

DH feels very guilty I think as he thought that most 11 year olds would be so shocked at a threat to tell parents and school (strict private school at that) that she would not tell anyone and just stop. He didn't reckon on her deviousness . We can perhaps console ourselves with the fact that if nasty is like this at 11 what fecking hell she will give dear mama and papa as a teen!

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Original poster
smartiejake · 04/01/2008 08:09

bump

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Hassled · 04/01/2008 08:17

Can you agree with DD that you stick it out for a set period - maybe another term, and then look at the stuation again? Year 7 is wretched for girls - all those hormones surging around. My daughter was miserable during that period, although the girl who gave her the most grief back then is one of her closest friends (they're 18 now). DD has obviously forgiven her but I stil remember the cow of an 11 year old she was and find it hard to be civil.
So maybe ride it out for a while longer and spend that time doing everythin you can to promote friendships with the "nice" girls in the class - hae sleepovers, cinema trips, that sort of thing.

Original poster
smartiejake · 04/01/2008 08:26

Yes I am inclined to stick it out for a bit longer.
As for the sleepovers and cinema for the nicer girls- we have been trying that this holiday but they have all said they can't do it/ busy etc.. (Kids come from a wide area to go to this school so most are not local.)

This may be true but we think the nasty one has got to them. Prob is there are only 6 girls in her class. One is a tom boy who only socialises with the boys and the others are nasty's gang.

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Hassled · 04/01/2008 08:30

Is there more than one Year 7 class - coud she move sideways?

seeker · 04/01/2008 08:46

I am surprised that the school hasn't taken more action, actually - if I remember correctly you took the issue to the Head halfway through last term. What did the school agree to do when ou spoke to them?

seeker · 04/01/2008 08:47

Sorry - forgot to say I sympathize - I have an unhappy year 7 too. Maybe we should start a special topic for Year 7 parents!

Original poster
smartiejake · 04/01/2008 10:00

No we didn't take the situation to the head as the year group counsellor sorted it out. Problem is all action has been very short lived.
As for moving sideways- another girl in dds form did that recently and dd thinks it's full (they restrict numbers to 18 in each form) so not sure that would be an option.

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chopchopbusybusy · 04/01/2008 10:30

I'd have a firm chat with the headteacher. Make sure she knows about the phone call from the other father too. What firm evidence did he have that it was a 50/50 thing? As for it not being possible for a sideways move - I think it's up to the school to make that possible. If all the other girls in your daughter's form are in the same little clique it may not be such a bad thing to have a bit of a shake up and move them around.

hippipotami · 04/01/2008 10:42

Why did the other girl from dd's form move sideways recently? Was it also because of 'nasty' and her gang?
If so, that gives you a huge amount of leverage with the school as it shows that this girl is indeed a trouble maker/nasty piece of work.

fortyplus · 04/01/2008 10:57

A friend's daughter went through exactly this when she moved to a private school in yr 6 - the rest of them were an established group.

The texts were unbelievable - suggesting she should kill herself as she was so worthless, etc.

However... my friend didn't take her out of the school. She persuaded her daughter that it was the bullies that had the problem, not her, and that she should just try to carry on as normal with help from the school.

The other girl's father is way out of order phoning you at home - how very unprofessional of him. You must immediately raise this with the school - preferably now rather than waithing until they go back, so that the school has a strategy for dealing with it. You can do what my friend did and make it clear that you're not asking for the girls to be disciplined for what they have already done - that a line must be drawn and there must be no recurrence.

Friend's daughter is in yr 11 now and has been very happy at school ever since. the 'ringleader' is now one of her best friends - it's just all about the girls sorting out the 'pecking order' and inevitably petty jealousies arise.

Original poster
smartiejake · 04/01/2008 11:57

The evidence the other father has is alledged MSN messages (and as I said I have seen all the ones between my dd and nasty and there is no way it can be misconstrued as 50/50 which leads me to believe this girl has cut and pasted things in to the msn message board as I believe this is really easy to do.)and Nasty said her friends would testify to dd being horrid to her at school (and yes they have all been friends for a long time as were in the junior dept of this school together as it's a 3-16 school.)

I suppose I could be wrong but as far as I know dd has simply been defending herself from nasty's comments. DD is the sort of girl who just wants to get on with people- she's very loyal and believes in sticking up for what she knows is right. Many of her retaliations in the msn messages have been asking why nasty doesn't like her and what did she ever do to be hated so much.

I do intend to contact the school in the early part of next week (they go back on Thursday) so we can try to sort this out before or on the day they go back.

fortyplus-I am also with you about no punishments from what HAS happened just for it to stop from now on.

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