unhappy dd year 7 advice please

[smartiejake]

You may remember a previous post from me about dd in year 7 and the problems she is having with one particular girl in her year who has been sending nasty MSN and text messages. DD goes to a private school which SHE chose althpough her friends went to other schools.
The school have spoken to the girl and her little hench men and things seemed ok on the last day of term.

Nasty MSN messages continued into the holidays until it came to a head on Christmas eve when my dh sent this girl a text message saying that it had better stop or we would be showing them to her parents and the school.
5 hrs later dh gets an irrate call from nasty girl's father saying how dare he threaten his little darling and that he had evidence that it was a 50/50 thing and that all his dds friends would back her up. Of course she had had 5 hours to call all her friends and doctor MSN messages putting my dd in the wrong.(I know this because I was there at the time said MSN messages were sent and I know what my dd replied.)

We have had a terrible few weeks with dd tears, everyone hates me etc.

Problem is that being a private school there are not many girls to choose from in the way of friends and 2 of the girls dd likes are also friends of nasty.
We are going into the school next week to speak to head but not really sure if this prob can be resolved. We have just paid £3k for this terms fees and she is saying she's not sure if she wants to go back.
Not sure what to do and if she did move schools where she would go.
She has loads of other friends from dancing and from her old school who she sees all the time but no matter how good a school is (and her school IS VERY GOOD)is it worth persisting with if she is so unhappy. What would you wise guys do?

I suppose you have to consider that you are only hearing one side of the story. really your daughter would have been better advised not to respond at all - she has clearly fuelled the fire.

But, hey, that's water under the bridge. The important thing is to get this sorted out.

BTW - I went to a private school myself at the same age. Only about 1 in 5 of the girls came from outside - all the others had attended the junior school so the cliques were well entrenched. Of course the 'banter' was all face to face in tose days - no such thing as computers, msn or texts in 1972!

It took me far longer than just one term to settle in, but I ended up with some great friends.

In the light of dd going back to school tomorrow I have had quite a long conversation with the year 7 counsellor today.
I am so impressed she seems to know dd to a tee and is aware of the problems that she has been having.

Told me that it was the school's policy to immediately suspend any child found to be sending abusive texts or MSN messages! Perhaps that was why the father of the other girl was so cross with DH? She suggested keeping a hard copy of any messages sent and not replyto any of them.

Anyway both girls will be spoken to tomorrow again and told about this. They will monitor the situation v. closely and if the sitution is no better within a week they will call in the parents for a meeting.
Feel so much better now I have spoken to someone about it and really feel that something will be done as the school just does not put up with this sort of behaviour.
Thanks for all your help and advice- it really helped.

Poor you - have had a very similar thing with dd (also year 7) getting nasty msn messages from a spiteful girl just before Xhristmas. DD didn't want to go to school etc.

I got the school involved straight away (felt like I was over-reacting at the time but turned out not to be the case). The school was incredibly supportive and really looked out for dd, also emphasised to the other girl thatt his kind of behaviour (even though it was outside of school) was not to be tolerated at all. School really monitored what was going on and gave regular feedback.

DD was very nervous about going back after Christmas, however one thing that was in her favour was that all the class sets were, well, set, and she is no longer in every class with this other girl. Also, due to the school's encouragement, dd has joined other activities and therefore has made other friends which has boosted her confidence.

Also, in the midst of all this, I emphasised that dd did not deserve such treatment, and if this girl was being so vile did she really want her friendship (dd was very upset at losing this, her former best friend). I think that helps with her confiddence that she knows that she acted well and didn't behave horribly.

I think that it is far too early for you to pull her out of the school really (even though I DO know how upsetting this all is). Just ensure that the school is being supportive about everything, keep them posted about what is going on (and expect the same high level of communication from them, too). Your dd knows that you are supporting her and care for her, and it WILL give her confidence to ride through something like this. Bless her though.

hi seeker, how is your dd, has she settled back into school or is everything still going on?

I HATE MSN. My Yr 4 daughter has already experienced ganging up from a group of girls
and I'm so glad that new Christmas presents have distracted her away from it.

Glad this seems to be going better for you now.

Are the nasty girl's parents also nasty? I know her father is a bit pissed-off - but that might not be an unnatural first reaction to a grown man sending cross text messages to a 12 year old girl.

I wonder if there would be any scope in asking to meet them for a summit cup of coffee - "Our girls have obviously got a problem between them, they probably aren't going to be best friends ever but can we help to soothe things down between us?" - that sort of thing?

Quick update-Well DD went back today. The year 7 counsellor got the two of them together and had a chat. DD said she was very good and she definitely got the impression that teacher was on her side. Nasty also (of her own accord) apologised to dd and admitted that she had been banned from using MSN from a month by her mum! So although the father made alot of noise at the time they obviously realised she had behaved badly and punished her accordingly.
DD came out of school quite bouncy especially as she had been moved up to the top maths set! (Always in the bottom or lower sets at junior school)Hope it continues as I SOOO want her to stay at this school.

that's good news

It seems that things are moving in a positive direction in more than one front!