Anyone here is super involved with their dc school work/revision?

[guest103]

By super involved I mean, making sure they do their homework, actually sit down with them and make sure they are doing it right. Also revise everyday with them, making sure they are doing extra work and revising etc, organizing all their revision materials. Almost as if you are their teacher/tutor?
I do all of this, I guess the reason why I do it is to make sure dc achieves the best results possible and I know dc wouldn't do revision properly if I wasn't super involved. I do believe dc would still get great results but not as good as the results achieved with my help. At school dc picks up everything easily and participates and does very well, so perhaps I should just trust dc more and back off a bit? I just can't do it for some reason.
Wonder if anyone is/was in this situation?

I did in year 7 and 8 with my eldest. He had been at a failing primary school and had no idea how to organise himself, his standard of work was appalling and he wouldn’t have got himself together. He was completely independent by year 10 and most of year 9 and brilliantly in his GCSE and A levels.

The younger 2 were at prep school due to the poor primary mentioned above ajd were far better prepared so needed less input. I still check up on my year 7 but I’m not over invested and the other one just gets on with it.

I am of course fully involved in their standards, targets, getting tutors where needed and helping out when needed

And remember if they have sen (both mine do) the school needs to see where they are struggling and put support in so that is on record, if you do too much it masks what is needed. One of my DD's has a support worker at university (and did from age 14) to help her organise her studies, the other has access to some specialist software to help her with reading due to dyslexia, both at Russell group universities.

@Oneforthemoneytwo

I did in year 7 and 8 with my eldest. He had been at a failing primary school and had no idea how to organise himself, his standard of work was appalling and he wouldn’t have got himself together. He was completely independent by year 10 and most of year 9 and brilliantly in his GCSE and A levels.

The younger 2 were at prep school due to the poor primary mentioned above ajd were far better prepared so needed less input. I still check up on my year 7 but I’m not over invested and the other one just gets on with it.

I am of course fully involved in their standards, targets, getting tutors where needed and helping out when needed

You give me hope for my Year 8 son. Home-learning for so much of Year 7 means that some issues have escaped my attention and school haven’t been on the ball. We’re looking at getting a tutor from next term for one subject, and I’m going to be more hands on with the day to day, but I really don’t want to do it forever.

For NT DC, from upper KS2 children should be supported to become independent learners with parents showing interest but reducing input.

By secondary school children should have developed the ability to work independently. KS3 is the ideal opportunity to hone their skills and make mistakes. DC will receive feedback from teachers etc if they haven’t met their targets and they will begin to get used to the level at which they are expected to perform. This ‘failing’ is important. It is how they learn. If a child never fails because mum or dad is there to ensure they don’t, it will just be delayed to a later stage when they are expected to be independent for the first time.

By GCSE independence is crucial to allow a child the greatest chance of success, not just in terms of grade but also wellbeing. That sense of “I can do this”. Which will encourage success at the right level in the next stage.

The highest grades are wonderful but that is a hell of a way to fall as the stakes are raised and support withdrawn.

(Teacher, mother, still suffering child of micromanaging parent). Throughout all of my successes I have struggled with imposter syndrome. I live in constant fear I will be found out as lacking. I am in my 40s!

By all means show interest, but sit on your hands, and trust them. If you have laid the right foundations in their early years they will reach their potential.

I am really involved at the moment with DS Y9 because his comprehensive set practically no homework - now he has tests in Science & Maths with no guidance from the school apart from look on BBC bitesize.

I now have him in a routine of at least 1 hour per day - and he is using textbooks & revision guides I’ve bought for him.

I’m absolutely planning for a withdrawal of support but I will also have to teach him to set his own ‘homework’ and in the absence of course of school marking or feeding back - I will do this instead.

Anyone had any success in getting a school to up its game re homework??

I am doing at the moment, because he’s just started y7. I want to establish good routine of working and show him how to work efficiently-minimum effort with max return. My plan is to slowly back off once the habits are in place but am very controlling so am relying on laziness to pull me back

Frankly, no, I don’t spend my life looking over my teenage children’s home work.

I ask them if they’ve done it, I help them if they need me to (last time was months ago) tbh dd1 is doing science A levels and I can’t really help her with those anymore.

I’d also rather that they achieved as well as they can by their own merits and not just because I’ve stood over them and forced them to do an unnecessary amount of study. They’re both achieving well and I have no concerns.

@Nonicknamesforcatapillars You are very smug lucky that your DC do not need supervision. Unfortunately, some do and posting about how well your DC without any help is quite insensitive, tbh.

No, I am completely hands off with dd's school work. Interested but not involved, so I'll ask her how things are going and chat to her about it on her terms, but I haven't been involved in what she's actually doing since the early years of primary school, unless she actually asks for help, which is exceptionally rare these days as I know nothing about the stuff that she is studying. It's her work, so it's for her to keep track of it and ensure that it's done.

It doesn't seem to have done her any harm. 🤷‍♀️ She got straight 9s in her GCSEs and is so far doing very well in her A-levels.

I would back off, OP, and let your child take responsibility. They will all need to learn to motivate themselves eventually.

@MrsCardone

I didn’t mean to be insensitive to those who have kids who really do need a lot of parental support for whatever reason.

I was however replying to the OP who said she thinks her child would still get great results even without all her input. So to me it’s seems a bit unnecessary and that it would be better for her to let her DC learn to manage their own study.

By secondary most NT kids should be able to manage their own school work.

No - I am completely hands off with my DCs who are at superselectives too. The reason being that I want them to learn to be independent before they get to university. To be organised and I also want them in the right sets for their abilities. However, if I suddenly realised from school reports that they needed help in a subject then I would support, I also spot check eg Latin or maths test results.

I guess if you're child is at a super selective or getting straight 9s that you don't need to supervise. For those of us with children with SEN it's not so easy. I'd love to not have to supervise my son, but I have to sadly. SEN sucks.

My Y5 needs no support, is highly organised and is teaching herself touch typing and Latin for fun on top of her homework.

My Y8 has belatedly been diagnosed with attention deficit disorder and currently needs shedloads of support. He’s just started medication which helps lots at school but has worn off by homework time.

Depends on the kid, doesn’t it?

@BurnedToast

I guess if you're child is at a super selective or getting straight 9s that you don't need to supervise. For those of us with children with SEN it's not so easy. I'd love to not have to supervise my son, but I have to sadly. SEN sucks.

SEN sucks so much. I’m so tired.

I hear you @tunnocksreturns2019. The two steps forward, one step back of it all. The tiny wins, that by most standards are nothing. Just exhausting.

@BurnedToast

I hear you *@tunnocksreturns2019*. The two steps forward, one step back of it all. The tiny wins, that by most standards are nothing. Just exhausting.

Exactly that. Solidarity

My DH should be dealing with this as he was the same as a child, but he died of stupid cancer 5 years ago.

Pass the gin!!

I am so sorry Gin is needed indeed.

If my child had SEN then of course I would, but if no SEN the aim is to get them to do it independently.

for parents of kids with SEN as clearly you have to work extra hard.

Nope, never get involved in homework, unless I am asked.

We pay a lot for school fees and I am happy that the children have the skills to self manage their homework (they get a lot).

I was like this with DD during her A levels.

I read all the books, bought extra materials, read all her essays paid for tutors and sat in on sessions etc.

It paid off as she exceeded her targets and got a place at a top uni.

• also DD has dyspraxia so she did need help to organise her studies.

No, no way. I love my kids to bits and ensured all homework was done at primary school. But by secondary school the battle and resistance was too intense and both of my children were too independent. I still care, show an interest and want them to do well but I do this from the sidelines micromanaging them was not the way forward beyond age 11. DS slacked a lot in the first few years of secondary as he thought he knew best. But now in year 13 he is highly motivated and his predicted grades are all A*’s. DD16 is less academic and much more headstrong so we will have to see how she does.

I do this for my DD - but we have finally (Year 11) had her formally diagnosed with ADHD (inattentive kind). With my DS, I also did in his younger years, including somewhat up until Year 9, but by then I was able to withdraw and he became a fully independent learner (I withdrew gradually but still very involved in Years 7 and 8).
But I can't for my ADHD DD. We are experimenting a bit with medication, to see if that will help, and there is no question she is better than she was, and will take some initiative, and she is trying very hard, but without my support she would desperately underperform in her GCSEs (even though she is really quite bright) - probably enough not to be able to go on to A levels. With my support she should comfortably be able to do A levels (although I might need to hand over to more of a tutor plus me directing mix at A levels). It is very gruelling, but I don't see any other alternative.

Luckily not being able to manage her time, find things or organise herself frustrates her, and she is very tolerant (for a teenager) of my involvement - as she acknowledges that it is worse not having everything she needs for school and getting a detention than having me check her bag in the morning, check the homework situation, suggest what needs to be done, pop in and out (for some things) sit with her and ask her revision questions (for many others) is the better option. She says she tries to write lists, but then forgets to write them or forgets where she has put them or forgets to check them. I do try and give her space to "have a go" first (ie she packs her bag, and I do a check - and the truth is that now, at year 11, ti has got a lot better in terms of bag packing). With revision though - she also has slow non verbal processing, and writing takes forever, so being able to answer orally is a much more efficient way of doing things for her, her oral processing is good - but that means I need to be there asking those questions.

I think there's a difference between "I didn't help my child and they got all 9s" and "I didn't help my child and they got 3s and 4s."
DD is closer to the lower end of the scale so I would definitely help her to ensure she gets the grades she needs for the next stage in her life (if she wants to do A Levels, she needs 5s and 6s. And she does want to)
I would feel I let her down if I didn't give her the tools to reach this. I don't need to check homework daily but I do need to help with revision, more than just help her to structure it, but help her to work out what she needs to know. And maybe ask her questions. I don't do her work, but I do seem more involved than other parents I know. So I might say "DD is doing An Inspector calls at the moment" and my mum friends would not know what their kids are doing.
I know I need to back off for A Level of course, but I am happy to be involved right now.