Help! I don’t want to send my DD to WHS anymore

[SWMum345]

There was an article in the Mail, Times, Telegraph and Tatler about an open letter written by the ex head girl of WHS about KCS school being a hotbed of sexual violence (there is another thread on this with a link to the letter). We have just accepted a place for DD to start at Wimbledon High School in September but having read this letter and the testimonials I don’t think I can do it. While the focus of the letter is about the behaviour and culture of the boys at KCS most of the experiences are from girls at WHS (or those from WHS who transferred to KCS in 6th form). Just to be clear I am not victim shaming here and I believe that no girl should ever have to endure sexual assault but I have serious misgiving about sending my daughter to a school where so many girls have been victims of sexual assault. The letter claims that “everyone knew” what the KCS girls were like - but if this was the case why did girls from the school continue to go to parties with them? Why did girls from the schools continue to get so drunk they were unconscious in the presence of known sexual predators? Where were their friends when they were being abused - why do so many accounts reference the fact that female friends of the abused (WHS girls) laughed off their stories and implied it was their fault for being too drunk? What were the parents thinking, letting their daughters go to these parties? Why did WHS not intervene if so many girls were being assaulted? So many alarm bells are ringing in my head and I honestly don’t know what to do. Part of the reason I am paying for private school is that I (clearly erroneously) thought it would provide my DD with a better chance of finding friends who were well behaved and whose parents were maybe stricter about what they did and who they were hanging out with. I have a decent state option that thankfully I have held on to (as there were questions around DHs job security in the pandemic). Should I cut my losses with the deposit and just run?

@xelaM if she had got in straight away we would have accepted the place but we have spent the last couple of weeks persuading ourselves and DD that the Indy option is better. DD also doesn’t want to go to somewhere that “rejected” her. It’s all very confusing and the article in the newspaper yesterday has just muddied the waters.

We wanted to remind everyone that we do not advocate victim-blaming on Mumsnet, and link to our We Believe You campaign – please do have a read.

@babybee93 would you please stop attacking everything that I say. I find your tone bullying and it’s almost like you are trying to read something negative into everything I say. My “intent” was not to victim shame. This is the first time I have posted on mumsnet and I actually feel bullied and quite upset. I hope you feel good about yourself @babybee93

I feel quite strongly that it's partly about what we model as parents. I'm always amazed by the number of women who say that they want their daughters to grow up equal to men and free from abuse, but in their own marriages and relationships they model the opposite of this by deferring to or excusing their husbands/partners. (Examples are endless, but I mean things like husband holds the purse strings, husband makes the decisions, husband likes to have a lie in on a Saturday, husband gets to spend lots of weekend leisure time on his hobby, husband gets wasted on a Saturday night and behaves like an irresponsible tit or ends up in a strip club after a work do, but hey, 'boys will be boys'). I don't mean women who are trapped in abusive relationships, I mean women who merrily and openly accept this kind of dynamic and still perpetuate a 'have the men had enough?' attutude. From the big to the small, it all adds up to a culture of 'men have entitlements that women don't'. If we want to empower our daughters, we have to stop accepting this shit. If both parents model a genuinely equal power balance in their relationship, then this is what their sons and daughters will grow up to expect as the norm.

I'm not bullying you at all and apologies if you feel that way

This forum exists to debate, educate and discuss things that we post about. You've asked for some input, I've pointed out that some of the things you're saying are problematic, in the current climate in particular. You can't accuse me of bullying you because I've identified why your use of language could be interpreted as offensive

I'd suggest you refrain from posting on here if your expectation is for no one to find issue with your content

@BabyBee93 is quite right to point out your victim-shaming and I hope it makes you review the way you think about victims of sexual assault.

@CaMePlaitPas

Part of the reason I am paying for private school is that I (clearly erroneously) thought it would provide my DD with a better chance of finding friends who were well behaved and whose parents were maybe stricter about what they did and who they were hanging out with.

In the nicest possible way OP, pull your head out of your arse.

That is incredibly naive of you, Op, to say the least.

@SWMum345 thank you for explaining. In your situation I think I would be tempted to take the grammar place and save yourself thousands of pounds. Your DD must have done very well to get a WL place so quickly. It's not about being rejected, just about performing fractionally worse on the day than a few other very academic kids.
My DD1 is also waiting for a grammar place (different area) but we've explained that it is stupidly competitive and she's done amazingly well even to get on the WL.

Have pm'd you.

@BabyBee93 No one likes being wrong and told to work on themselves, but what you were doing was victim shaming and you should educate yourself and change your attitude. This is not bullying, this is pointing out where you are wrong, which I understand is unpleasant for you, but the reason people are doing it is to show how women themselves by victim-blaming can be part of the problem.

My DD goes to Private school and most weekends there are house parties (yes even now) where according to DD all sorts goes on. There have also been incidents of dodgy photos bring passed around and shared. The SLT are all female and come down very hard on any hint of toxic masculinity at school but I know there’s plenty about bat DDs school and the local State schools
BUT the thing is my DD doesn’t go to these parties or share nude photos, it’s like anything, just because it goes on You don’t need to be involved. Things like this happen to a certain degree at all schools, you cant completely stop it unless you home school/ don’t allow SM etc but you can try and educate your daughter about it and build her confidence so she can say No to things

Honestly I would cut your losses and go for the grammar school. Same education but free!

If you have paid the deposit within the last 2 weeks you could still get your money back I think

Sorry but everything about your OP is so naive, I don't know where to start. Agree with @XelaM - take the grammar place and let someone who's desperately sitting on the WHS waitlist take your place.

OP I agree that you should opt for the grammar school place for your DD. But so shocked that you seem to think private school pupils are necessarily better behaved and have stricter parents than those in grammar and other state schools. I think you will find most DC who have places at the SW London super-selectives have worked very hard to get there and continue to do so. Many come from Asian backgrounds and their parents are very strict with them (even the boys!).

I apologise for any offence I caused with my original post. It was never my intention to victim shame but I can see from some of the responses that I should have worded my question differently. I have asked mumsnet to remove the post as I do not want to cause distress.

We have decided to turn down the place and take the grammar offer instead so it is a moot point now.

I sincerely hope that there is a criminal Investigation into the events that have happened that pertain to these schools in Wimbledon and that parents, schools and children can all work together to make our world a safer place.

@Wbeezer

In my area the parties held by the private school kids are the ones that generate the worst stories, they are bigger parties, they have access to more money for alcohol and drugs and large houses with parents who go out and leave them to it. They have a more exciting social life than my teens but it's not without its risks.

Same in my area.

I am not saying it only happens in Private schools, I am sure state schools have issues too; but definitely I hear more of wild parties from private schools from other parents and friends of parents whose kids attend these schools.

@SWMum345 Great decision! Well done. Congratulations to your daughter

@newmodelarmymayhem18 I grew up on a large council estate and went to an extremely rough comprehensive school so I have always yearned for something different for my DD. Having said that some of the things I have read on the everyonesinvited website and the open letter to KCs shocked me to the core. I always felt safe and it is very sad that things have changed so much and we are not making a better world for our children.

@Tash45 Well some state schools have police officers on campus all the time. It very much depends on the area how nice your local comp is.

My ex-husband witnessed a pupil get knifed to death outside the school gates of his local London comp. He also never had money, but certainly wasn't averse to drug taking. Local comps don't produce little angels either

Thank-you @xelaM I feel very happy about the decision now.

[quote XelaM]@Tash45 Well some state schools have police officers on campus all the time. It very much depends on the area how nice your local comp is.

My ex-husband witnessed a pupil get knifed to death outside the school gates of his local London comp. He also never had money, but certainly wasn't averse to drug taking. Local comps don't produce little angels either[/quote]
Thanks. I did mention State schools having issues/problems as well. There is also police outside the local state comprehensive where I live too and it is rated as outstanding,send some kids to Oxford each year and it is in a leafy area. So agree, there are problems every where.

@xelam my school had gang, knife crime, drugs - we had the reputation of being the worst school in the entire county!. But I had amazing friends who looked out for me and there was a strong community spirit amongst many of the parents who wanted more for their kids. I think I read too many Enid blyton books about boarding schools - it clearly brainwashed me into what the world of private schools was all about!

My children go to a private school and my daughter (15), will have had a completely different experience than some other kids in her class. Some kids go to parties and drink and have boyfriends/girlfriends, and some stay at home. My son was one who went to all the parties and tried all the drugs and kissed all the girls. My daughter the opposite. Same school.
His girlfriend is at the state school and she has had all the things you talk about happen to her from the age of 13. Unfortunately the desire to be popular and liked can lead to girls and boys acting and participating in ways they would not normally.

@SWMum345 okay your views make very much more sense now, given your own experience. I think a lot of DC in state schools in SW London come very naice families though! As your DD will discover for herself when she goes to whichever super-selective she's got into (and well done to her for doing so!). I do sometimes wonder if coming from very affluent backgrounds (and being at some of the best public schools) make some young DC think they are invincible and above the harsher (and potentially criminal record) punishments meted out on state school educated peers.

@PeterPomegranate

“ If my daughter asked me if she could go to a party with a group of boys who were known predators I would say no”.

I can’t imagine there’s a teenager alive who would ‘ask to go to a party with known predators’.

OP, you need to read back through your post - you are asking why the kids were going to parties, drinking, getting drunk etc - they were doing that because experimenting in this way is what teenagers do. You are asking why some girls 'laughed off' their friends' experiences - because they were so used to it happening it was normal; because assuming that the girls who had bad experiences had behaved foolishly made them feel that it wouldn't happen to them - and because of internalised misogyny.

The problem is with society and with the boys, not the girls.

This sort of behaviour is experienced by teenage girls all over the UK and the world so I wouldn't automatically avoid what is generally a good school - if anything the bad publicity will make it more likely to deal with it.

Given you are shortly to be the mother of a teenage girl, you might want to work on your awareness of the world she will inhabit, so you can start helping her deal with it in a realistic way that doesn't involve her not going to parties...