Help! I don’t want to send my DD to WHS anymore

[SWMum345]

There was an article in the Mail, Times, Telegraph and Tatler about an open letter written by the ex head girl of WHS about KCS school being a hotbed of sexual violence (there is another thread on this with a link to the letter). We have just accepted a place for DD to start at Wimbledon High School in September but having read this letter and the testimonials I don’t think I can do it. While the focus of the letter is about the behaviour and culture of the boys at KCS most of the experiences are from girls at WHS (or those from WHS who transferred to KCS in 6th form). Just to be clear I am not victim shaming here and I believe that no girl should ever have to endure sexual assault but I have serious misgiving about sending my daughter to a school where so many girls have been victims of sexual assault. The letter claims that “everyone knew” what the KCS girls were like - but if this was the case why did girls from the school continue to go to parties with them? Why did girls from the schools continue to get so drunk they were unconscious in the presence of known sexual predators? Where were their friends when they were being abused - why do so many accounts reference the fact that female friends of the abused (WHS girls) laughed off their stories and implied it was their fault for being too drunk? What were the parents thinking, letting their daughters go to these parties? Why did WHS not intervene if so many girls were being assaulted? So many alarm bells are ringing in my head and I honestly don’t know what to do. Part of the reason I am paying for private school is that I (clearly erroneously) thought it would provide my DD with a better chance of finding friends who were well behaved and whose parents were maybe stricter about what they did and who they were hanging out with. I have a decent state option that thankfully I have held on to (as there were questions around DHs job security in the pandemic). Should I cut my losses with the deposit and just run?

Sadly you were naive to think that this sort of behaviour only goes on in state schools.

Just to be clear I am not victim shaming here

...and then a long rambling paragraph of victim shaming

So you've gone ahead and accepted a state school place and an independent school place knowing that you will most likely not need the state school place? I'm sorry but that is just wrong, there are so many kids who have not been allocated any of their preferred state schools and are desperately waiting for a WL place, while parents who can afford to go private are hanging on to their state school place "just in case"... When were you planning to release the state school place, in September when schools have started your DC was just going to be a no-show and some other kid was going to spend all spring and summer in waitlist purgatory? I know so many kids in my DD's class waiting for WL places to free up, that just really winds me up.

I can't help with your problem regarding sexual violence at your chosen private school, but trust me state secondary schools aren't exactly full of little angels either.

In my area the parties held by the private school kids are the ones that generate the worst stories, they are bigger parties, they have access to more money for alcohol and drugs and large houses with parents who go out and leave them to it. They have a more exciting social life than my teens but it's not without its risks.

Ime some types of 'bad behaviour' (drugs especially) are much more prevalent in private schools. Parents are much more likely to be time rich/cash poor and to have multiple houses so unsupervised parties are easier to arrange.

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/soma-sara-teenage-sexual-abuse-didnt-merely-exist-when-i-was-at-school-it-thrived-f3lbdkq22?shareToken=7b00c2b0522714c5df7318eaa3bfc76a

You might want to read this. The situation isn't any better at St. Paul's, Harrow, Bedales or Wellington college.

Sexual harassment of teenage girls is endemic in our society it's certainly not something you can avoid by paying for education.

@peachgreen I am not victim shaming. If my daughter asked me if she could go to a party with a group of boys who were known predators I would say no. If my friend was lying unconscious at a party I would take her home. If my friend told me she had been assaulted I wouldn’t laugh at her. I am questioning the support system of these girls and whether this is part of the WHS culture.

I’m not naive - I know this sort of stuff goes on at all schools but if you have read the letter it seems really really bad and the author makes it clear that it is not a “normal” level of abuse.

If you don’t want to send her give up the place for someone who does instead of holding on to it until September ‘just in case’.
Great school with a great head. Girls and boys are the same at every school in the land. The website doing the rounds at the moment has entries on loads of schools, state and private. I’m not entirely sure why the ex WHS girl felt the need to set up a separate site just for KCS complaints.

“ If my daughter asked me if she could go to a party with a group of boys who were known predators I would say no”.

I can’t imagine there’s a teenager alive who would ‘ask to go to a party with known predators’.

@Nowisthemonthofmaying

Ime some types of 'bad behaviour' (drugs especially) are much more prevalent in private schools. Parents are much more likely to be time rich/cash poor and to have multiple houses so unsupervised parties are easier to arrange.

Totally agree. I am in west London and the private school partying is very heavy duty indeed which is absolutely not saying there aren't a lot of pretty wild parties in the state school sector but, OP, I think you have to accept the fact that teenagers get drunk and take drugs and awful things happen in both state and private sectors.

Sexual harassment of teenage girls is endemic in our society it's certainly not something you can avoid by paying for education.

Absolutely 100% agree with this too.

Private school kids can afford better drugs and alcohol

The kids do mix as well. The ‘sought after’ state school pupils have friend at the private schools and siblings often attend different schools.

Ok - so the consensus seems to be that this is a problem that is prevalent up and down the country, in state schools and in private schools. Choose a school you like but be vigilant.
I am aware of the “everyonesinvited” website and I think it’s a great initiative to get conversations going. I guess I was a bit freaked out because someone felt it was necessary to creat a specific letter about a specific school and victims from WHS. The letter clearly states that the problem is WORSE at this school - honestly if you read it you are led to believe that a girl is being assaulted every single weekend. I think the term “hotbed of sexual violence” is used....

I would, perhaps naively, imagine that schools will be stepping up to sort this out now it is coming to light. I know my old school (all girls boarding) has already started taking additional steps in light of the everyones invited website comments.

Part of the reason I am paying for private school is that I (clearly erroneously) thought it would provide my DD with a better chance of finding friends who were well behaved and whose parents were maybe stricter about what they did and who they were hanging out with.

This was a very misguided view. People do not become better parents just because they are rich. You cannot buy a better peer group.

All schools have a mix of kids, regardless of whether they are state or private. There are some wonderful, sensible, kind kids in all schools. And there are some kids who make really bad decisions in all schools. A great deal depends on your child's choice of friends.

My dd's state school friends are a brilliant group of kids. Bright, sparky, sensible kids who don't get into trouble. Her friend at the local private school has a very similar group. Either of them could have chosen a different group, and gone down the drugs/alcohol/getting into trouble route. There isn't much to choose between the schools, although it's well known that the private school has a bigger problem with drugs, presumably because the kids have more disposable income.

I don't know anything about the culture of the school you mention, so it's hard to comment, but if you are only going private because you thought it would keep your dc out of trouble, then I wouldn't waste your money. If you had other reasons for the choice, then try to talk to some parents of girls who are already at the school to get a more accurate picture.

The letter clearly states that the problem is WORSE at this school - honestly if you read it you are led to believe that a girl is being assaulted every single weekend. I think the term “hotbed of sexual violence” is used....

But many are saying that they do not recognise the school as described in this letter.

Not all girls at WHS mix with Kings boys, and not all Kings boys behave like this. At least a light is being shone on these issues. WHS are addressing it with the girls, there will now be a lot of education around it. Parents are now clued up about what has happened and can be having conversations with their girls about speaking up. This will spark a change hopefully. It’s not confined to just Kings as been pointed out, and it’s part of a much wider issue such as the easy availability of porn, skewed ideas of sex and attitudes towards women as sexual objects.

Part of the reason I am paying for private school is that I (clearly erroneously) thought it would provide my DD with a better chance of finding friends who were well behaved and whose parents were maybe stricter about what they did and who they were hanging out with.

In the nicest possible way OP, pull your head out of your arse.

The letter clearly states that the problem is WORSE at this school

But who’s writing the letter and how would they know it’s worse? Everyone writes from their own (necessarily limited) experience.

I’d agree that private school teens have access to more opportunities for house parties with drugs and alcohol and minimal supervision. Goes on everywhere but opportunity is an issue - private house parties more empty bedrooms vs drinks down the park or in one mate’s garage where you’re all cooped up together, safety in numbers.

The letter claims that “everyone knew” what the KCS girls were like - but if this was the case why did girls from the school continue to go to parties with them? Why did girls from the schools continue to get so drunk they were unconscious in the presence of known sexual predators? Where were their friends when they were being abused - why do so many accounts reference the fact that female friends of the abused (WHS girls) laughed off their stories and implied it was their fault for being too drunk? What were the parents thinking, letting their daughters go to these parties? Why did WHS not intervene if so many girls were being assaulted?

I think you’re a bit naive.

The teens kept going to parties because peer pressure, FOMO, etc. They kept getting drunk because they’re teens - their critical decision making is not yet developed. Didn’t you do unwise things when you were young? The not looking out for others etc is shitty but again, not unusual or remarkable and victim blaming is endemic - you’ve basically done it yourself in this paragraph. Parents of teenagers wouldn’t have known they were sending their daughters off to be sexually harassed, don’t be daft. Teenagers do lie/withhold information in order to get what they want.

Did WHS know about assaults? If they were formally reported to the school then yes, you should be worried the school is negligent. But I cannot imagine that was the case.

OP our kids growing up is scary. All you can do is hope to instil good boundaries and have good communication- and that’s parenting not school choice.

Yes, but it is one letter from one girl. I'm not dismissing her experiences at all, but she doesn't necessarily have an overview of what happens in the school as a whole, or from year to year, or in comparison with other schools. So it is very hard to know the extent to which it's a reflection on the school itself.

On the state/private question, it would be interesting to see information on drugs/alcohol/partyng that is based on wealth rather than school. IE is there a disproportionate amount of drug-taking etc at private schools that is greater than would be expected given the wealth profile of the students? (ie is the experience of a private school pupil any different from that of a wealthy pupil at a state school?)

Both my children are at private school. OMG the stories. However both loved and love the school. However my daughter going out with a state school boy who is so respectful of her. #relieved

@PeterPomegranate

“ If my daughter asked me if she could go to a party with a group of boys who were known predators I would say no”.

I can’t imagine there’s a teenager alive who would ‘ask to go to a party with known predators’.

Crying laughing at this! (Obvs not a funny subject!)

You are very naive if you think this is only happening at this one school. At least at a girls only school she will be able to avoid the daily harassment that many girls at mixed schools have to endure.

why did girls from the school continue to go to parties with them? Why did girls from the schools continue to get so drunk they were unconscious in the presence of known sexual predators? Where were their friends when they were being abused - why do so many accounts reference the fact that female friends of the abused (WHS girls) laughed off their stories and implied it was their fault for being too drunk? What were the parents thinking, letting their daughters go to these parties? Why did WHS not intervene if so many girls were being assaulted?

All of this is victim shaming. Shame on you. If it were your daughter who was sexually assaulted, wound you be asking the same?

You might like to try:
"Why are boys sexually assaulting unconscious girls"
"Why are boys preying on girls who are alone without their friends"
"What were the parents thinking, raising boys who rape girls?"
"Why did

*hit send too soon

"Why did KCS not intervene when their students were sexually assaulting girls?"

If you're placing all of the onus on the girls then you're victim shaming. Seriously shame on you