Looking for a good boarding school with superb pastoral care with experience of mental health issues for y13 DC

[namechangeforthisjjjjjj]

My challenge – finding a good mixed boarding school with superb pastoral support and decent academically for Y13 with ADHD and MH issues to retake her A levels - ideally SE but could be anywhere

Just that really … she’s bright but has had suicidal thoughts since she was 9, which have meant she’s had chunks of time off and often finds motivation difficult. She’s been diagnosed with ADHD, which her psychiatrist is clear is a significant part of this.

Having missed over 25% of year 13 pre-Covid, her predicted A*AA won’t be happening.

We see this as potentially a great opportunity for her to rebalance her life, develop her self-esteem together with the skills that would help at Uni. She says that she feels that she is “just beginning to find reasons to live” and she is genuinely excited about the future.

She’s gently outgoing, kind, funny with a real talent for friendship, with wide-ranging groups of friends, both boys and girls.

Universities often take those who didn’t get the grades they advertise as necessary on their prospectus. Just see what she actually gets, and see what the university says. Do not send her to boarding school.

As I mentioned before there may be a good cife college near enough to you
www.cife.org.uk/choose-the-right-cife-college/
Education is more flexible to cater for individual needs and there would always be the option of boarding if she settles into the college and enjoys the (mainly international) community.

I would also recommend careful selection of the uni for support for students with SLD like adhd and also support for students with history of mh struggles

I used to be a pastoral member of staff at a RG uni and first time away from home can be a tough time for many students.

It is possible to make contact with the support set up available in advance and having a dx much may be available. Eg I know a family where the dd had a x 1 weekly meeting slot in the diary in advance with a member of staff so there was a known staff member routinely available. Adjustments such as exam time support etc can now be discussed in advance

If tits community you want sending her into a ready formed community for their final 9 months just wont work as they are unlikely to fully accept her.

Whereas at uni they are all forming commjnity together and would be a far more natural progression.

You can research mh provision. Certainly the one i went to had proper qualified counselling. Another one had a lot of sen provision, far more thannyoud get at school.

You can choose the uni or halls of residence for the extra nurture.

And even an access year if truly necessary.

Hello OP. This is an older thread from MN but I think you might find some of the schools/colleges listed helpful.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs_education/1960061-UK-Boarding-School-for-Bright-ADHD

I know some small boarding schools provide good pastoral care and support for SEN children BUT they are unlike 7% Oxbridge although some of them are reasonably academic and send many children to RG uni.

Your requirements are too many, maybe it’s better to prioritise them.

OP, I’m not in England so I don’t understand the exam requirements etc, but I wonder if volunteering for a year at a residential community (Camphill etc) or somewhere similar might suit your DD if she were to take a year out.

I realise I might have mispitched my initial post and am increasingly realising that what we really want external help with is the ADHD and how to cope well with that

There isn’t a cure for ADHD although there is medication which might help.

I also think you have set your ideas on a boarding type facility and are missing the point that as an adult unless she has severe learning difficulties there isn’t really what you want out there.
If she went to board anywhere she will be treated like the adult she is and the amount of pastoral care will not be there.

From my own personal family perspective I wouldn’t try to hammer home any hard and fast rules of doing “normal” things. Like passing exams at a certain level or going to university or holding down a steady job.

Neither dc or myself can hold down a 9-5 job. It would just make us unhappy.
When I was younger I tried to do all the right things like, retaking exams because people told me I needed these exams and working in an office 9-5 with the same people.
I just ended up depressed and wondering if this was life then what was the point.

As soon as I let go of the norm and did what made me happy. Whether it was working in a bar for a couple of months or flipping burgers at fetes during the summer or one of 30+ other jobs I did the happier and more successful I was.

I made sure Dd and Ds could turn their hand to all sorts of things. They do a lot of agency work for different industry’s as well as other stuff they pick up here and there.
Ds is just starting out and was doing 3 different jobs before COVID struck (he is 18) and Dd was dipping in and out of 8 and carved herself a role out in a 9th job

Both think they have a fantastic life. Mainly because each day is completely different

I am not for one moment suggesting that your dd looks into doing what Dd and Ds are doing but to keep it in mind when you are choosing a university or job for the future.

Going to ask is the boarding school idea one your dd has come up with and through her ADHD it is something that she has set her heart on and won’t be dissuaded from despite it not only being a terrible idea but also a virtual impossibility

@oliversmumsarmy your posts are very interesting to me. Not wishing to de-rail the thread but ds (nearly 14) has ADHD. He frustrates me as it feels as if he could turn his hand to anything - and he does, with great commitment/obsessiveness, but then he gets bored and moves on, so he never truly excels at anything. An example - in the last month he's rediscovered piano (he's been learning for years, but literally he's been practising for about five minutes a week for the last year) and he's picked up some really complex pieces. He's asked for DJ decks for his birthday and is really into music - but from past experience, this will give way to something else in about 3-4 months time.

I've wanted to encourage him to stick with things, but it's hard as he literally loses interest and doesn't want to touch the thing he was obsessed with a few months earlier. But maybe it doesn't matter? Maybe he will go on to do lots of different jobs and move around?

OP I wonder if you are hoping to find someone (school staff) who will be better at all this than you and will be able to help her more than you have.

I understand that feeling but unfortunately it is unlikely that boarding staff will be better than you at helping her, especially staff who don’t know her.

If what you are after is help with her ADHD, sleep etc then I’d send her to a local day school (perhaps her current school) rather than boarding, and put the money you will save towards various other sorts of help for her. Anything from private CBT to yoga and meditation for example. And private tutoring for the exams if you think it’s needed.

"I understand that feeling but unfortunately it is unlikely that boarding staff will be better than you at helping her, especially staff who don’t know her."
^This.
The OP has never said why she thinks that main stream boarding school staff will have the knowledge (and time) to help her DD when her own day school can't.
Unusually for education boards on MN nearly everyone is in agreement; sending a child to a boarding school with significant MH issues would be madness for whole variety of reasons, many including mine are talking from a position of knowledge about boarding schools. But one wonders if the OP is going to take on board anything that's been said?

I’m not outright anti boarding, it really does suit certain children. However (if you are still reading this) boarding if you are less than happy from my own experience is absolutely not the right place to be as there are no ‘outs’, no going home at the end of the day. I also agree it wouldn’t be fair at all to the staff (who would have to be briefed for your DDs safety) or the other pupils as time would be taken away from them. I appreciate she feels ready to fly but at this stage I’d make it a shorter flight!

On another note, my eldest DD (now 25) did self harm and did try to commit suicide at 17 after she broke up with her girlfriend. It’s a heartbreaking experience when your baby tries to take their own life and you have my heartfelt sympathy. I understand the want to make things right in their world and changes are good - while I don’t think boarding is the best option, I understand the scrabbling for options. Best wishes.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone - there is so much great advice on here and so much I have learnt

I'm now on holiday and am going to take some time out, and will come back to read all this in a week or so, and respond to people individually

Really thank you.... you have all been a big help and my thinking has moved forward dramatically

@namechangeforthisjjjjjj what a lovely message - I’ve been so grateful for the help I’ve had from MN

I hope you are enjoying your holiday and if you have time come back and post what you and dd decide

I hope you have a good holiday and your daughter's results are better than expected.

I teach in the independent sector. I think you need to be aware that you are very unlikely to find many, if any, schools, boarding or day, that will take on any new pupils into year 13 as it is unlikely they will do exactly the same exam boards. You can't switch half way through as she would then need to learn a new syllabus of year 12 and 13 in one year which is just not realistic (and achieve a high grade). I have never worked at a school that would take a new pupil on in this way.

If you are determined for her to go to a new school you would then need to look at her starting year 12 which would be tough for her (and many schools would not accept an 18 year old into year 12 either). Hurtwood House in Surrey may do as it's sixth form only and predominantly boarding (in middle of nowhere). It has a big mix of types of students and good pastoral.

I think the best option is for her to repeat year 13 at her current school. She will then be off to Uni and there are some Uni's/halls or residence that have a boarding school type feel if she's really keen on that.

I sound like very much like your daughter. I boarded for sixth form and ended up at Oxbridge. I very probably have ASD (pre-diagnosed but meeting criteria from consultation) and possibly ADHD. My life has been a rollercoaster of extraordinary achievements and huge crashes. I have consequently had both mental and physical health challenges. I also have at least one much younger DC with a similar combination, very bright, unusual, funny, gifted.

Please listen to all the posters and do not think about sending your DD to boarding now. What you should be doing is the following (as suggested by a PP):

• go through clearing and make a go of it, choose a uni less than 2 hours away if possible in case of crisis.

• reapply to uni next year with current grades and in the meantime do a gap year where there can be a mix of home living and living away.

You need to think very carefully about the skills she needs to navigate the world so that she can emotionally regulate, this is your job. Too much pressure could result in worsening mental health that will accumulate over time. I have a friend who committed suicide after Oxbridge, others with clear MH issues, very dysfunctional lives that are limping through (often with money providing the buffer to getting the real help that they need ironically).

I wonder if your psychiatrist is private and there is an element of them telling you what you want to hear?

You talk about your DD's 'dream' university, and it's just that, a dream. Your reality is something quite different.

It is very hard, I know, but you need to manage your own and your daughter's expectations, teach her to accept herself as she is and focus on her health both physical and mental. Grades, uni etc. come a distant second.

I think you are hoping this is all going to 'be ok', that your daughter is going to suddenly find her path and fly. That might happen, just might, but I think you probably still haven't understood or accepted just what a challenge your daughter is facing for the rest of her life. You need to grieve and think about supporting your daughter in the way she actually needs so that she doesn't crash or worse.

@testingtesting101

I sound like very much like your daughter. I boarded for sixth form and ended up at Oxbridge. I very probably have ASD (pre-diagnosed but meeting criteria from consultation) and possibly ADHD. My life has been a rollercoaster of extraordinary achievements and huge crashes. I have consequently had both mental and physical health challenges. I also have at least one much younger DC with a similar combination, very bright, unusual, funny, gifted.

Please listen to all the posters and do not think about sending your DD to boarding now. What you should be doing is the following (as suggested by a PP):

• go through clearing and make a go of it, choose a uni less than 2 hours away if possible in case of crisis.

• reapply to uni next year with current grades and in the meantime do a gap year where there can be a mix of home living and living away.

You need to think very carefully about the skills she needs to navigate the world so that she can emotionally regulate, this is your job. Too much pressure could result in worsening mental health that will accumulate over time. I have a friend who committed suicide after Oxbridge, others with clear MH issues, very dysfunctional lives that are limping through (often with money providing the buffer to getting the real help that they need ironically).

I wonder if your psychiatrist is private and there is an element of them telling you what you want to hear?

You talk about your DD's 'dream' university, and it's just that, a dream. Your reality is something quite different.

It is very hard, I know, but you need to manage your own and your daughter's expectations, teach her to accept herself as she is and focus on her health both physical and mental. Grades, uni etc. come a distant second.

I think you are hoping this is all going to 'be ok', that your daughter is going to suddenly find her path and fly. That might happen, just might, but I think you probably still haven't understood or accepted just what a challenge your daughter is facing for the rest of her life. You need to grieve and think about supporting your daughter in the way she actually needs so that she doesn't crash or worse.

Very good advice, particularly about proximity of University and Clearing this year.

@testingtesting101 thank you for that incredibly helpful advice. Your dc sounds great and it’s brilliant you can help her.

I am trying to follow your advice myself with my similar prep age dd, but am sometimes guilty of hoping that at some future time everything that is difficult for her will be somehow fixed.

My dp wanted to send her to a choir school to full board and I fought this because it would have been a disaster for her.

@testingtesting101 - wise words !
I hope OP takes note 👍

Just wondered how your daughters A Levels went and if you have decided what to do next year?