Looking for a good boarding school with superb pastoral care with experience of mental health issues for y13 DC

[namechangeforthisjjjjjj]

My challenge – finding a good mixed boarding school with superb pastoral support and decent academically for Y13 with ADHD and MH issues to retake her A levels - ideally SE but could be anywhere

Just that really … she’s bright but has had suicidal thoughts since she was 9, which have meant she’s had chunks of time off and often finds motivation difficult. She’s been diagnosed with ADHD, which her psychiatrist is clear is a significant part of this.

Having missed over 25% of year 13 pre-Covid, her predicted A*AA won’t be happening.

We see this as potentially a great opportunity for her to rebalance her life, develop her self-esteem together with the skills that would help at Uni. She says that she feels that she is “just beginning to find reasons to live” and she is genuinely excited about the future.

She’s gently outgoing, kind, funny with a real talent for friendship, with wide-ranging groups of friends, both boys and girls.

Why not resit in October? There is an active thread about this currently. If your DD was indeed AAA material and as you say ready to work hard and move on, she can try.

Additionally, any boarding school will want to speak to the current school about her issues. If she lost 25% of year 13 school time pre COVID then these issues are quite recent, and very much ongoing.

I still think you are not telling the whole context at home / family OP. I know that these situations take a toll on the family and parents as well, and you need to make sure you are not cooking her into wanting to go to boarding school when it is you the one that wants her to go.

@namechangeforthisjjjjjj please don’t do this. Boarding school is definitely not the place for a young person with MH issues. Even if she says she wants to go, she can have no idea what it’s really like. It’s not a good idea.

but equally DD would have already done a lot of the work, so much of it would be a refresher

I don't understand - for this to be the case, you need not only to find a boarding school which ticks all your boxes in terms of the pastoral care and MH support it offers but also one which offers precisely the same A Levels through precisely the same exam boards as your DD's current school.

So if she is studying A level English and she joined DS's school in Yr 13, she would need to have been following the OCR specification and to have studied from the vast array of choices on that specification: Dracula, The Bloody Chamber, The Tempest, A Doll's House and the poetry of Christina Rossetti. Otherwise, she has to study those five texts plus complete her coursework in two terms. That's quite a tall order!

It's difficult, OP - it's in your best interests not to give personal details on a public website - but it's impossible for posters to give properly accurate and personalised advice/opinions when we really know nothing about your daughter's home life, or wider background.

I think we're mostly agreed that a brand new boarding school at this stage would be a very bad idea. (And I'm not the only person here who is very pro-boarding for the right child.)

What we don't know is whether, as pp suggested, you very badly need her away from home, so have thought of boarding, or whether she has independently had this idea, and you're now falling over yourself to make her happy.

She is, as you say, an adult. (And I know just how difficult, stubborn, intractable and unpredictable 18 year olds without your daughter's difficulties can be ...) But one of the lessons of adulthood is that you can't always have exactly what you want. We don't speak of "my dream" whatever. We learn to compromise, we try to build resilience so that we can function in less than ideal situations.

So, for instance, when you speak of "the social side of boarding" - that opportunity has gone, as far as your daughter is concerned. Boarding relationships build up over years of living, working, relaxing together. No one joins in yr 13 - she would feel horribly outside everything. And, to be frank, she is too old to begin living under boarding school authority. I suspect she would hate it.

but equally DD would have already done a lot of the work, so much of it would be a refresher

I think you miss the point that your dd would have only done a lot of the work if you get the exact same syllabus and exact same book choices etc which is a bit like searching for a needle in a haystack.

If she is just looking at a refresher why doesn’t she do resits in the autumn term and you get her tutors once or twice per week to cover the gaps.
If she is an A grade student then she can catch up.
If she has a need to live away from home why not get her a house share close by and encourage her to get a few different p/t jobs to help with her expenses for a year before she goes to university next year if that is what she wants to do.
Look on it as practice for going to university if it is further away.

I do think going back to school when next year she will be heading towards 20 is a bit much to ask of a school and of her.

From reading the OP’s posts
It appears that @PerditaProvokesEnmity makes Particularly good points, nobody appears to think what you are seeking / expecting is appropriate or indeed accessible.
Yet OP remains steadfast and unable to truly acknowledge the barriers that others can easily envisage with the scenario suggested by OP
This quest for a boarding school that can provide academic success, mental health support, safety in light of suicidal ideation, sleep disorder, difficulties with social functioning etc etc is getting in the way of you looking realistically and practically at what environment can help her with the mental health difficulties.
I would suggest priorities should be therapy / family therapy possibly ?
Please don’t collide with setting herself up to fail ☹️

Collude ! Not collide

What does your dd want - not you. If she doesn't achieve high enough grades then a foundation course is a good option. But from what you describe (very similar to my dd) a gap year is probably an excellent choice - she could retake locally a levels (tutor perhaps). Most schools would not admit an 18 year old for retakes, only for 2 years. Sounds like you want her out of the house.

Dd thrived from working, just fast food, but really helped development and applied with grades to university, yes she had dreamt of Cambridge (was predicted a*aa) but she didn't get them and is happy where she is - her choice not mine. Remember she's an adult, make sure she's making decisions not living your dreams and expectations

Op I completely understand from personal experience how hard it is to have a child who through no fault of their own really struggles. You sound like a very caring dm and I know you are just trying to find something that will work for dd.

I’m afraid though that my family’s experience of boarding schools is that the staff (however nice and whatever the admissions team tell you), are not in any way equipped or often even motivated to help children with particularly challenging issues. My dm was a teen boarder and would be the first to say it has always been like this.

We know someone who (some years ago) was asked to leave a boarding house due to mh issues which school did not feel able to handle.

I think better ideas would be:

• go through clearing and make a go of it
• resit at a crammer living at home
• reapply to uni next year with current grades and in the meantime do a gap year where there can be a mix of home living and living away

I honestly think you will end up with a very distressed dd and being in constant contact with school over issues which are not sorted out to your liking if you do go down this boarding route. It could cause you and dd no end of stress.

"the staff (however nice and whatever the admissions team tell you), are not in any way equipped or often even motivated to help children with particularly challenging issues. My dm was a teen boarder and would be the first to say it has always been like this.
We know someone who (some years ago) was asked to leave a boarding house due to MH issues which school did not feel able to handle."
As I said above and I Ive told parents in the past boarding schools are not an extension of CAMH's. They are schools, many of the staff care for the pupils and will have done course on pastoral care etc but they lack the knowledge, training and experience to deal with challenging MH issues. Secondly challenging MH issues are time consuming and often require high levels of supervision no main stream boarding school can put so much into one child. Therefore they are absolutely in the right to ask a child to leave if they feel they cannot help them, they have a duty of care and should not be criticised when they admit when they cannot meet this duty because they lack the knowledge time and experience.
My colleagues work with children with eating disorders, in the past I've see staff boarding schools trying to manage pupils with them often at time when its most acute, eating disorders are complicated to manage and treat, it requires specialist knowledge, a rigid plan that everyone sticks too, lots of time to supervise them and patience . IMO boarding schools aren't the right place to do this. Ditto pupils with significant depression and suicidal ideation.

What the hell?! Please do not send this vulnerable child to boarding school. Please.

I’ve had a dc in a state boarding school which had a significant number of students with social, emotional and MH problems. It’s not a situation I would put my vulnerable child into, partly because, as others have said, the staff are not experts in this field and have too many other demands on their time to meet the needs of one complex individual.

And secondly because one girl’s dysfunctional needs and behaviours can cause havoc among the peer group, in ways that affect the learning and wellbeing of those other girls, but also backfire on the girl who is acting out, because attention-seeking, self-harming or other dysfunctional behaviours will tend to make their peers reject them, or at least treat them very warily. This will be even more the case if a girl who is out of age is parachuted into an established year group.

Honestly, find a crammed or private 6th form college who are used to kids that have slightly chequered educational backgrounds and who have experience in giving this age group structured freedom with discreet support. Even if you could find a mainstream boarding school that would go along with your plan, it would almost certainly turn out to be a horrible car crash.

I think there is a strong possibility that a pupil with underwhelming results, but with a very good reason for those results may find a place in clearing, this year. So many children I know have decided to put off starting university this year, as they want the normal social experience- not the truncated version expected.

What sort of grades are the school expecting and are there courses that she is interested in? Universities need bums on seats for income. After the first couple of weeks, nobody will ask about A levels.

Agree with Witchlight This year will be much easier for you to have your choice of universities as so many aren’t going because they will be missing out on the freshers uni experience.

Universities are businesses and universities unless they have a good build up of funds they need the students in order to survive.

I can see some universities going to the wall this year.

If uni is your aim and you can get in to one of your chosen ones with the A level results she has then a degree is ultimately all employers are looking at in the future.

The alternative is if she decides to improve her A level results she might not get any better an offer next year as there is going to be so many more people applying and so supply and demand even if she does get great A levels she could be one of many applying for any university and end up worse off.

But as I said do look at what she wants out of university. Note that if only about 15% of people actually pay off their uni loan then look at it that 85% of people never earn enough salary for long enough to make all the payments.

University is good if the career you choose needs a degree. Or you are doing it just because of the experience and expect nothing amazing to happen after.
A few of our friends over the last few years have had children who have come out of uni at 21 and gone down hill as they suddenly realise the amazing jobs and employers falling over themselves to offer them fantastic careers just didn’t happen or they get offered a job as new recruits alongside 16 year olds who are just starting out. Please do your research that the career can’t be accessed via an alternative route.

Dd does different jobs that if you googled them require a degree but really she has picked them up by applying for them because she has thought she could do the job or knows someone who knows someone and done someone a favour and from there other people have seen her work and have hired her.

Dd is going to get herself tested for ADHD.
She has her business and then because she is just starting out she does multiple other different jobs.

The idea of just having one job in one place with the same people everyday would she has said affect her mental health.
I am most likely ADHD
I have had the steady jobs but I just ended up completely depressed. I wish I knew of ADHD when I was younger as it would have helped me to realise that trying to do what other people did wasn’t going to make me happy.
The idea of handing in my notice and working at a company for another 4 weeks when I got to the stage of depression I had was too much and I ended up in all the f/t jobs just getting up and walking out.

The only bit of advice I can give you is if your dd is ADHD be careful that she doesn’t try to emulate her peers and do what she thinks “normal” people do. It will more than likely make her unhappy.

Is there any chance she could be autistic? Her profile reminds me a lots of girls and women who I work with who are going under the radar for a diagnosis. Often said to have adhd.

Go to an adult college and redo A levels there which someof my friends did. Or go through clearing.

I realise I might have mispitched my initial post and am increasingly realising that what we really want external help with is the ADHD and how to cope well with that. You'll be relieved to know that there is no reason that we don't want her at home - indeed we love her being here - but she is keen to move on and "sort out her life".

We are very open to all the options - whether taking a year out and doing the exams in October at her current school - or going through clearing or to a sixth form college - if those is what she wants. And at 18 it is definitely her choice.

A crammer doesn't really feel appropriate as although the academics are important, it is her learning how to manage her issues that would make the biggest difference to her future life. and going somewhere that is all about her getting better grades feels like the least good option.

The reason I havent talked much on this thread about these options is that I know about these and what they can offer.

What I was seeking from Mumsnetters was some names of schools I could look into and some personal experiences of them... what I have got is strong challenge and it has honed our thinking. Thank you.

I realise there are some other things posters would like clarity about:

• Her ill health in y 13 was physical with very unfortunate timing: it would be extremely unlikely to happen again
• She is still vulnerable but suicide ideation is regarded as being in the past
• You would certainly want her around your children - she's very experienced with children and young teens, hugely in demand on several fronts and has an extraordinary talent with them - wanting the very best for them, tuning in fast to their needs, able to encourage, teach and add a lot of laughter to their exchanges, all with enormous kindness, generosity of spirit and patience. One of her potential careers is as a teacher, and she would be very good at it
• I recognise that many of you have experience of CAMHS, but we have been lucky enough to have a psychiatrist who does indeed understand our daughter's issues and has their own experience of the world, and who has recommended - as others have done - that she does some very unusual things that would normally not be contemplated for someone in her situation.
• she wouldn't be 20 ... just 18 alongside other 18 year olds for one year and as mentioned in earlier threads, has a real talent for friendship and there has not been the attention-seeking, self-harming or other dysfunctional behaviours to make their peers reject them, or at least treat them very warily which one poster was appropriately concerned about

It may not be the right choice but I definitely feel it is something worth looking into for her - and my thinking has evolved during the last two weeks, realising that the right school may not be out there for her but if there was a small boarding community offering structure and insight, enabling her to move forward, it would be amazing.

Unlike dyslexia, there is little that is really understood about ADHD in girls and women - I know too many sad stories of life not working for them, and the limited research indicates this is their norm - I am keen to do everything I can for my daughter to emerge into young adulthood as able as possible to live the life she wants.

OP at this stage of your thinking I have to ask whether you have any personal knowledge of 21st century boarding? (So not your friend's aunt's godfather in the 1950's.) Because, honestly - a small boarding community would, in all likelihood, be awful for a repeating yr 13 newcomer.

And small boarding schools must be feeling desperate at the moment. Staff furloughed or let go, rent and maintenance costs on buildings piling up while they've been forced to reduce fees for the duration. The very last thing they'll have time or energy for, when they re-open, is anyone who needs special attention academically or otherwise.

In your rejection of crammers I think you may be conflating too many things. No mainstream educational institution is going to be primarily, or even equally interested in nurturing an 18 year old's social/ emotional / psychological well-being. Particularly now. They'll want students focussed on getting good A'Levels and impressive university places. Anything else will be unwelcome distraction.

Can you not separate these requirements? Find the most efficient institution to get her to the next stage academically. And continue to explore all possible ways to bolster her mental and social wellbeing via other means.

I just wanted to say with my experience (had a DC weekly board)
I don't think boarding school in this scenario will provide what you are looking for at all either academically or pastorally.

I also don't think it is always a good prep for Uni as they are (obviously dependant on the school but in general) treated like school children and if anything I think it might have made Uni harder-used to being away but someone doing your laundry and cooking your meals and your day being strictly timetabled.

If I were you I would absolutely not send DD to boarding school.
There must be ways she can get academic and mental health support and different experiences for her from home? I also agree with @PerditaProvokesEnmity that you are lumping all the needs in one basket and I think a combination of resources specifically for the diverse needs-a crammer for exams and maybe sessions with a life coach for coping strategies.

You have also conveniently glossed over the fact that you will need to find a school that not only matches the correct exam board for your DD's subjects but that has also taught the modules in the exact same order. Good luck with that.

@happpygardening I totally understand what you say from the staff perspective. Children not safe in a boarding scenario shouldn’t be there

with her teachers clear that if she didn’t have mental health issues she would easily be a AAA pupil*
That seems a very odd assumption to make. Even if it were true, how would boarding school resolve said issues?

"what we really want external help with is the ADHD and how to cope well with that."
What makes you think that boarding school staff are able to provide you with this help?

"She is still vulnerable but suicide ideation is regarded as being in the past"
Really? I know no paediatric psychiatrist who would ever say an MH issue is in the past. There's massive of evidence that if you have had MH problems that youre likely to have a reoccurrence at times of stress.

realising that the right school may not be out there for her but if there was a small boarding community offering structure and insight
What insight, exactly? What can a boarding community (which as a newly arrived Year 13 pupil she won't really be a part of for quite some time) offer to alleviate her issues?