Looking for a good boarding school with superb pastoral care with experience of mental health issues for y13 DC

[namechangeforthisjjjjjj]

My challenge – finding a good mixed boarding school with superb pastoral support and decent academically for Y13 with ADHD and MH issues to retake her A levels - ideally SE but could be anywhere

Just that really … she’s bright but has had suicidal thoughts since she was 9, which have meant she’s had chunks of time off and often finds motivation difficult. She’s been diagnosed with ADHD, which her psychiatrist is clear is a significant part of this.

Having missed over 25% of year 13 pre-Covid, her predicted A*AA won’t be happening.

We see this as potentially a great opportunity for her to rebalance her life, develop her self-esteem together with the skills that would help at Uni. She says that she feels that she is “just beginning to find reasons to live” and she is genuinely excited about the future.

She’s gently outgoing, kind, funny with a real talent for friendship, with wide-ranging groups of friends, both boys and girls.

I think she would be far better choosing a uni with good pastoral care through clearing if she does not get into her firm choice. Friend’s son did this after his A Levels did not go to plan due to major issues at home. He did a foundation year first.

And to be honest, you may also need to consider if it would be better to go to a local uni even if it’s not particularly prestigious. This has worked well for other young people I know with mental health issues. Much easier for parental support to continue.

I do think the tone of many of your posts is odd OP. You talk about “not sending her to Oxford” as if you can just choose to go there.

Many people do not get into their first choice uni. But generally if they draw a line under their disappointment, they find that the one they go to works out fine, or is a better fit in many cases. This happened to my Dd. She is glad she did not get her firm choice now.

What grades is she likely to get? I am wondering why not clearing and a Uni which may not be the uni of her dreams but where she can be happy.
Retaking A levels in a new school,having to adjust to a new environment,new teachers,new friends ( or possibly not,as this will be a for short time and there will be long established friendship groups to break into) seems an odd plan even if DD is keen.
I would look for a Uni with good pastoral support,and presumably DD may be eligible for DSA?
I've heard some incredibly positive stories from friends of pastoral support at individual universities,and DSA can provide for academic and personal mentoring and support.

I’d look at clearing with whatever grades she’s got. Admissions tutors are very aware that ‘all bets are off’ this year. Look for a course at a university not too far from home so she can have the the option of getting home easily in a crisis but also get the most out of being there.

To be honest if her achieved grades are within a couple of grades of her predictions her firm choice is likely to accept her anyway. With so many international students not coming this year I think there are only a handful of very top institutions that won't be flexible- and even then they will probably have some less popular courses that they might budge on.

Actually, maybe look at a private inpatient unit,
There should get the specialist help you are seeking for her sleep disorder, low self esteem, social functioning difficulties.
She clearly wishes to move on from the family home, but requires a level of psychological support I believe is I appropriate and risky to ask of a boarding school .

Thank you all... and my apologies for coming across as odd. I hadn't realised I was. She is indeed my daughter. And it may yet be that she does stay with her current school who have been exceptional within their limits at supporting her - she has a good relationship with the people there. Though yes we are looking for something more which we may not find and just have to cross her fingers she finds it at uni - thank you FivetoFour for telling me about DSA: I didn't know this existed for cases like hers and find it very reassuring.

Thanks too SE13 I'll look into these

From what you have said I get the impression that instead of taking the exams where she could have done a stint at revising and being great on the day your dd because of Covid is being graded on her mocks/past performance which isn’t all that great.

At 18 what exactly is she aiming for.

Not for the next year or 4 but what exactly does she want to do long term.

Unless she has a life plan that needs amazing A levels I personally would take this year as a time for getting to know her strengths and weaknesses. Trying different jobs and maybe using some of the money that you were going to spend on her boarding school to let her have amazing experiences.

From all of that her whole ethos might change the more she sees there is life outside of school and the world doesn’t work like school.
Sometimes you have to accept the grades you have and move on.
If she does want to go to uni would she be able to go with the A levels that she has now (when the results are in).

I only ask about thinking about what she wants to do as we know so many young adults who have gone to university without a thought of why they were there.
After a bit of thought and gaining some work whilst at university they decide on their long term career plan.
Then they come out with their degree only to find when they start work that they didn’t really need a degree in the first place.

Dd was made a manager at 18 in her secondary job and was regularly asked by graduates how she got the job at 18 when they were told to do a managerial role they needed a degree. Dd does a lot of jobs that if you googled the job title say that you need a degree.

Having been in the boarding school environment, firstly I would think most schools wouldn’t take her for just year 13
She would have to repeat the whole of year 12 then 13 and I do think she is too old to board with a bunch of 16 year olds

Also when I was at boarding school the year 12s and definitely the year 13s were the ones who provided pastoral care to the younger ones. If anything the yr 13s were treated like adults who had Saturday and evening jobs in pubs and restaurants in the local town and were allowed to come and go outside of school at their leisure.

Going into a strange environment for 9 months and expecting to have the amount of pastoral care you want I think you maybe able to get but it would be only a tiny amount of schools who would offer it.

I think the pressure on her to get great A level results would be extreme on anyone let alone someone with ADHD and MH issues

If she needs to sit A levels after just one year, you would be much better off looking fir a Cramer she can attend as a day pupil.

Different schooos use different boards, and will have covered different parts of the syllabus in Y12 and part of Y13. The school,will be very focussed on patching what their Y13s have missed, and there will be precious little time to be assessing and patching a whole different set of gaps.

But crammers are set up to do exactly that.

OliversMum this is so useful - we do think this might indeed be a good route forward... on the occasions she has done it, she has relished working alongside older adults and being one of the team

Its tough to know what will help her the most given that the most important thing is that she is able to live the life she wants to, and is supported in developing the skills that enable her to do this.

What would be the purpose in retaking? You may find any change tricky as exam syllabi vary and she would only have two terms to prepare. Also retakes are sometimes viewed less favourably by unis. A gap year, with some structured activities may be more productive. Dd decided last minute last year that she was not ready for her insurance course, took a year out, has worked pt and done some work experience , placements and volunteering, online courses, revisiting unis and reapplying. She had a choice of unconditional offers and accommodation confirmed which is far less stressful than waiting for results and the subsequent time pressure and onslaught of emails.

DSA is useful but she will need to be fairly upfront about her difficulties and needs for support. If you have applied for Student Finance did you tick the relevant box as that would trigger the process.

learning to sleep at night, a real challenge with her ADHD, mind racing and dark thoughts keeping her awake until the early hours.

I used to be a housemistress at a big all girls boarding school. If you were honest with us about her difficulties we wouldn’t have taken her and if you weren’t (and you would be surprised - the amount of phone calls we made 2 weeks into term about eating disorders / mental health problems for new students that parents claimed not to have noticed were absurd) we would have been massively unimpressed with you.

She’s year 13. No one is taking a punt on an unstable girl messing up their a-level results and no one wants her messing up the a-level results of the people in the boarding house.

It’s a school, that’s all. If she needs help / fixing / stabilising then you need to do that yourself or in a setting that is designed for that.

"She’s year 13. No one is taking a punt on an unstable girl messing up their a-level results and no one wants her messing up the a-level results of the people in the boarding house.
It’s a school, that’s all. If she needs help / fixing / stabilising then you need to do that yourself or in a setting that is designed for that."

This is my experience of working in a boarding school as well. PotteringAlong just worded it better than I did. And frankly anywhere that will consider taking her; you ought to be asking why? They are either desperate for you money or doing know what they are doing.

Potteringalong and happy... I hear what you are saying, and agree that a large mainstream boarding would be unlikely to do so and you are spot on asking why would they do this.... and the answer to that is significant.

I've learnt of places on this thread that I hadn't heard of, all with their different approaches, that would appear to be open to her.

Although she is very likely to be able to stay with her current school, we think that although that would achieve her grades (which would almost-definitely have been fine either without Covid or without the physical health issues she had pre March) it would be unlikely to help her move forward emotionally. They have already tried so much, within the limits of their structures. It may be that being a year older, and she is changing that this would be enough.

We may be asking for the moon but it is entirely possible that the unexpected would work for her - or not. But at least we would have tried.

She is extremely unusual in so many ways, some of them immensely positive. This isn't just a parent speaking but the feedback we have had from both educational and mental health professionals. We are so used to hearing "I wouldn't recommend this for anyone else in her situation but in her case...." and the right boarding school could fit that mould.

We are keen to have a variety of options - and yes, that includes not retaking, although we think this is the least likely - so that we can discuss them with her when reality hits. To enable her to see that there are a wealth of ways of moving forwards that would be positive and hopefully both life-affirming and life-changing.

It is a really bad idea. You need to support her through her resit year and then look at supporting her at university possibly at somewhere close to home. No school will accept her if you are honest about her problems and for good reason. They will not be able to guarantee her safety.

Honestly I don't think any boarding school worth it's salt would accept a new boarder into Y13 with this history. I'm very pro-boarding for teenagers, both mine are weekly boarders but I do recognise that boarding is not without its pressures.

Starting at a new school in Y13 would be doubly tough, most of the other girls in the boarding house will have been there years, and those that joined in Y12 will have bonded and made friends already. DD is going into Y13 in September and is expecting it to be full on in terms of her work schedule with not a lot of time for socialising.

Thanks all - and I do appreciate all the feedback about the challenges of joining in the second year. I agree that Y13 is full on - but equally DD would have already done a lot of the work, so much of it would be a refresher .... hopefully enabling her to have the time and energy to adapt to a new school/students/teachers. I think this does mean it needs to be a smaller school with a certain ethos.

This would of course only happen if it is what DD wants. Our instincts say yes so far.

I know that all of you who say keep her close to home, whether for school or uni, are doing it with the best intentions but the thing to remember is that this isn't what she wants. She is an adult and our role has to be to support her as she wants... yes, to love her unconditionally, to do everything we can to help, to be there with infinite understanding and compassion together with practical support wherever possible ...while enabling her to make her choices.

And yes I am deeply envious of those of you who have DC without these challenges - I feel you lead charmed lives, and one that before this happened I just saw as normal - I have a handful of friends who have older DC in similar situations to ours - it is the most challenging thing imaginable to work out how to best support them while enabling them to be free.

I think that sometimes moving forward either to uni or into work can be incredibly scary for anyone.

The sudden realisation that going to school 9am-4pm, getting homework and generally being told where to go and what to do is no more

Is the retaking of the A levels partly to do with not wanting to leave the school environment.

I think with ADHD there can be for some an internal struggle between trying to do the right thing and letting loose your ADHD.

I have 2 dc both with dyslexia, one with ADHD and one who is thinking about getting herself tested for ADHD so I know how hard it is just having ADHD.

OP if you don't mind me saying, I find it odd you are so focused on boarding and not trying as a first option to stay where she is or even try another sixth form college locally. Are there other circumstances, not directly related with your DD but home or family or your personal circumstances or situation or even your own state of mind, that are also pushing you to think boarding could ever be an option? I just don't get it and your postings seem fixated with getting her to go away from home. Sorry if too blunt....

"We are so used to hearing "I wouldn't recommend this for anyone else in her situation but in her case...." and the right boarding school could fit that mould."
I work with CAMHs on an almost daily basis and have done so for the last10+ years in my extensive experience from Childrens psychiatrist down they know absolutely nothing about boarding schools. So I don't know who keeps telling that the "right boarding school would fit" I would be questioning their knowledge and understanding of boarding what part of boarding do they think would work for her so well?

"She is an adult"
Who you're looking to send to school? To maybe mix with children for 11 years upwards?

Does she know anything about boarding its not Malory Towers you know. Has she ever looked round a boarding school or known someone who goes?
"equally DD would have already done a lot of the work, so much of it would be a refresher .... hopefully enabling her to have the time and energy to adapt to a new school/students/teachers."
She might have the time assuming that they new school has covered the curriculum in the same way, I don't know anything about resits but I wouldn't have thought that you can spend the year with your feet on the desk if you want to get significantly better grades. Anyway even if your DD can her fellow pupils wont have lots of time to get to know her because they will be concentrating on studying most pupils are very aware that their parents have high expectations of good grades. Staff will also be busy, obviously they are not going to ignore her but for staff in a typical boarding house your DD will not be their only priority particularly at the beginning of the autumn term they have younger children to settle. . Most would expect a pupils starting in yr 12 to be mature enough to hit the ground running and get on with it with help from girls of similar age.

"it would be unlikely to help her move forward emotionally. They have already tried so much, within the limits of their structures"
Im not trying to be difficult here but what do you think a boarding school can offer that she cant get in her current school?
What do you think they can try to do thats different from that which her current schools are trying?
Whats structures do you think boarding schools have that day schools dont? How will this help your DD.
When I worked on the mainstreamboarding sector I used say "we are not an extension of CAMHs.
Im genuinely interested? I wonder how much you really know about boarding schools, and being a boarder.

Your posts are really odd. Why not just go through clearing? That would make far more sense.

Clearing would make far more sense.

I remember wanting to do more A levels than I could fit in and desperately wantinn another year to do more. When you're in it it feels like its everything. Yet onve you move onto uni its a different stage of life.

I really think starting uni and looking for supoirt there will be better psychologically and a moving forwards point than attempting to integrate into a ready formed gŕoup ti try and sit exams possibly different tothe ones she studied for.

It might be worth looking at what used to be CCSS in Cambridge and is now the Stephen Purse Sixth. For over 30 years it has been more a bridge between school and university and has been a good environment for those who were not suited to traditional sixth form.

Yes ... If you and she are determined on A' Levels then a good sixth form college would be by far the best choice. Much more adult atmosphere, no rigidly stratified hierarchy and less impenetrable long established friendship groups. Also - and I know you won't want to hear this - it would obviate the safeguarding concerns there would be in a school. If I were the parent of an 11 or 13 year old child I would not be at all happy to hear that they would be boarding with a 19 year old with the issues you outline.

But, as other have said, probably the best idea would be to wait for results day, see if she can get into her chosen university, and, if not, look for another in clearing. That way she moves forward with her life.

"It might be worth looking at what used to be CCSS in Cambridge and is now the Stephen Purse Sixth"
God thats over £17k a term thats a quite a lot of money. OP as I've said above if she hates it and leaves after 3 weeks you could be liable for the spring terms fees!! I think if I was you I'd be discussing that with any schools admissions dept.