tell son didn’t get chosen secondary before he goes school in morning or later? [sad]

[Seacharts]

If I tell him I’m the morning he’ll have to go through the whole school day devastated. His small friendship circle all have siblings in the school he wanted, so they’ll all get in.

My son has a sibling at a different school to the one him and his friends all want, so that’s the one he’s been given.

If I don’t tell him in the morning (pretend I haven’t received email yet) I could get an idea when he comes home of which of his friends are going where and maybe (unlikely but hopefully) one of them got allocated the same school as my son.

But then he’d also know I was fibbing about not getting the email because all his friends mums already had.

Give him the pain and see if his friends can support him through it, or delay the pain and take the full brunt of it when he gets home?

Husband is dismissive saying it’s a first world problem and son will ‘get over it’. He doesn’t understand how important son’s friendship circle is. Nor that the preferred school was a better fit for his abilities and talents, whilst the school he’s been allocated isn’t.

I'm sorry your son didn't get his first choice but I don't think it can have anything to do with his sister being at the other school. It will have helped him to get into his second choice to have a sibling at the school but won't be a reason he didn't get his first choice so please don't let him blame his sister.
Do the childeren who got into the school have siblings in the school or live nearer to the school l. I know when a school is oversubscribed they measure the distance from the house to the school if there are more children in the catchment than places.

I think that the thing with appeals is that other than sleep and a full head of hair, what have you got to lose? There were 4 girls in a similar position, three appealed for a school, the fourth parent decided not worth it but was then annoyed when the other three girls won their appeal. Would you be annoyed if you find out that a friend appeals and gets a place even though they were lower on the waiting list? I wouldn't even necessary tell your son if you do appeal but it is worth considering.

I know you say you don't want to put him on the waiting list but if you think the school is better for him it might be worth asking the LA where he is on the list. I have known several children get into their preferred school from the waiting list at our very over subscribed local school because sometimes children move house, and some parents put their children's name down but then decide to send them to private school or just change their minds for other reasons.

Would it actually reassure him to be told that he will probably break up with his current friends anyway?? I can see how that would be reassuring for you OP, but it's not a message I would tell him at the moment...
Focus on good points of the new school, and emphasise how it is ok to be disappointed but sometimes in life i'm failing to think of a better phrase we have to suck it up.

I was going to appeal but don't know if I can with it being over subscribed

Yes you can. All appeals are for oversubscribed schools. Just under 25% of secondary school appeals are successful.

I would encourage you to appeal. I have won three appeals, one for DS1 and two for DS2 (primary and secondary). DD didn’t get her first choice secondary school but was allocated the same one that her brothers attended. In June, we got a call offering her a place at her first choice. I didn’t realise she was even on the waiting list.

There is hope.

Yup, appeal, we were successful - and go on the waiting list. Some of the places allocated for really good schools become vacant when a few little darlings gain a place at private school; people move, change their minds - all sorts can happen in 6 months. Including that the sink school starts transforming in an exciting way/ he falls out with a couple of friends and feels relieved he’s not going to be around them from September.

It is 1713hrs and we are still waiting for school offer!

If the school was undersubscribed you could have a place for the asking, op.

He'll be ok. Just keep reasonably upbeat, while allowing him to vent his disappointment.

Do not allow him to blame his sister. This kind of thinking can become entrenched and build long term resentment which us spectacularly unfair on her even if it helps him short term.

Allow yourself to vent but then build a list of positive points about the new school and repeat them to yourself ad nauseam.

Much of life is what you make of it. Your ds will be fine.