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Secondary education

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Original poster

tell son didn’t get chosen secondary before he goes school in morning or later? [sad]

110 replies

Seacharts · 02/03/2020 02:06

If I tell him I’m the morning he’ll have to go through the whole school day devastated. His small friendship circle all have siblings in the school he wanted, so they’ll all get in.

My son has a sibling at a different school to the one him and his friends all want, so that’s the one he’s been given.

If I don’t tell him in the morning (pretend I haven’t received email yet) I could get an idea when he comes home of which of his friends are going where and maybe (unlikely but hopefully) one of them got allocated the same school as my son.

But then he’d also know I was fibbing about not getting the email because all his friends mums already had.

Give him the pain and see if his friends can support him through it, or delay the pain and take the full brunt of it when he gets home?

Husband is dismissive saying it’s a first world problem and son will ‘get over it’. He doesn’t understand how important son’s friendship circle is. Nor that the preferred school was a better fit for his abilities and talents, whilst the school he’s been allocated isn’t.

OP posts:
MangoHat · 02/03/2020 06:40

Definitely tell him before school otherwise he has to spend the whole day saying “I don’t know” which will feel awful and confusing and only set him up for an even bigger fall when he gets home.

Lowprofilename · 02/03/2020 06:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Pencilplantironingboard · 02/03/2020 06:46

Can you accept the offer but stay on the waiting list for the school you want? I did this with my DD and eventually she got in.

BertieBotts · 02/03/2020 06:49

Defo tell him this morning. He will be upset but at least he'll be able to hear where everyone else is going and compare. Maybe someone else in his school he knows will be going there and he won't be the only one not to have his first choice. You can't protect them from every upset or allow them to experience it in a bubble, and that's OK. He will be OK.

We just had this with DS1 last year, although we preferred the school he got into, it wasn't where his friends were going. One of his friend's mums was being a massive pain as well going on and on about the friendship group and how lovely it was and how they'd all be together etc, making him more upset every time he saw that friend.

Honestly he has thrived at the new school. He didn't know anyone first starting and it was anxious for him but it's also been great. He made new friends in the first day, the school was brilliant at getting them chatting etc and he has totally changed and matured socially. I spoke to another mum of a girl in the year above who also didn't send her to the school that "everyone" went to, and she said don't worry about the friendship groups anyway. By the end of year 7 hardly any of them are hanging around with primary friends as the groups all shift and change.

We did tell him he could stay friends with his primary friends. It was a white lie because while it is possible (they're all local) we knew it was unlikely they would at that age, they just aren't proactive enough at contacting each other. 6 months later he's not asking or looking for his old friends at all.

Prepenultimate · 02/03/2020 06:52

Hopefully you've told him this morning. You must have had reasonable expectations that he woukd not get into the oversubscribed school without a sibling anyway. Surely you didn't get yours and his hopes up in the first place.
He'll know you've lied when all his friends know where they are going. It will be worse for him to spend the day not knowing.

Geneshish · 02/03/2020 06:56

Presumably some of his friends will be in the same boat? Might be good for them to all chat about it together today

SarahTancredi · 02/03/2020 07:01

Tell him in the morning . Not telling him and him finding out everyone else knows will make it a bigger deal in his head.

FWIW I was in a similar boat 2 years ago. I knew dd wouldn't be going to school with her friends. Starting over was the best thing. Not knowing anyone gives you a fresh start you otherwise wouldn't have.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 02/03/2020 07:01

He cannot have held out much hope anyway (I hope you were honest with him on the very very slim chance he had) and ultimately you and him will be fine Smile. I hope you have been positive about the school he was likely to be allocated?

He won’t be the only one

I’d tell him.

My DS did not know anyone in his secondary school. He thrived, and he kept his old friends (as they can meet up at weekends! It is not the end of the friendship to be at a different school Smile)

Marshmello · 02/03/2020 07:02

Give him the info. Let him deal with it. Worse to have a day of embarrassing hope, wondering why others know and he doesn't.

You can't soften the blow. So just get it over with.

Sorry 💐

Marshmello · 02/03/2020 07:03

And yes you need to be really positive about where he's going. Don't dwell on how good the lost school is. And reassure him he can still spend time with his old friends.

It's all you can do.

1busybee · 02/03/2020 07:07

Earlier. He will be devastated so don’t add you lying or keeping it from
Him into the mix. Plus schools are well used to these situations and will know the best way to handle the day for him. Feel for you

MollyButton · 02/03/2020 07:15

Tell him first thing.
Get your name on the waiting list - my son got in from at least position 25 on the waiting list to what was the "most desirable" school in our town. People do move, change jobs etc.
Appeal - appeals are not held on the grounds of space or who else is appealing but: is the harm done to your son by not going to school X greater than the harm done to the pupils at school X of having an extra pupil. Any reasons other than "all his friends go there" or "I think its better" can help push that balance.

But being honest is far more important than any school he goes to, long term. You really don't want to give him any grounds not to trust you as you go into the teenage years.

Cookiecrumble887 · 02/03/2020 07:15

Schools where we live are a nightmare now. We've got 2 grammar schools. Then 3-4 mixed ones.

15 years ago you got into any. Now only 50% of kids get into the main academy here. Loads of kids go out of town. Most are the other end of town for us 40 minute walk ...

I'm sorry your son didn't get into the one he wanted. I would tell him as he might be anxious all day if everyone else got told. I am dreading these days with my kids. I don't think many get what they want.

WombatChocolate · 02/03/2020 07:18

Very important to be upbeat about the school he's got, however you feel about it.
If you are positive about both the school and the fact he will make friends, that will help a lot. He will take a lead from you becaue he will trust the way you respond, even if he also displays upset.

So don't make this morning about fact you can go on waiting lists or it's not fair or anything like that. Presumably, if you knew this was a risk, you have already prepared him anyway in terms of being positive, so this will be a case of 'well we thought this might be the outcome didn't we, and there's lots of positives about it, even though it's a bit disappointing'

Giroscoper · 02/03/2020 07:22

His primary school should be able to tell you the number of children who are going to the school your son has been allocated just not who those children are.

There will be transition days in July and sometimes extra ones for children who are coming from schools where the numbers are low.

Both my sons went to a secondary school that none of their friends went to, but we did choose it so they were completely prepared. Of my sons, Ds1 is quiet and I worried about friendships, Ds2 is quirky and so I worried about him more. Both of them made friends very quickly and retained those friendships, Ds1 is now in year 12 and Ds2 is in year 9.

Due to geography we didn't live close to any of their primary school friends and to be honest I pushed to develop their new friendships, forward rather than backward. This will obviously be different for you if the primary school friends live close by.

Put him on the waiting list for the other school and find out what position he is in.

ifonly4 · 02/03/2020 07:24

All his friends will be talking about it. He'll end up going through the day knowing something is up as he hasn't heard. Don't forget, you can appeal.

Standrewsschool · 02/03/2020 07:30

Some of his other friends may also be offered the alternative school, so I would mention it before school. How certain were you of getting the preferred school? Was it a total shock not getting it, or did you expect it?

Robuns · 02/03/2020 07:33

Sorry OP, it sucks. Going back an undisclosed number of years, ahem, I found out that for some reason I had got into a different school to all of my friends, being a shy child as well it was my worse nightmare. Obviously I cant make you promises or you shouldn't make them to your son, but it worked out great. We did remain friends (and still are a few decades on), and I made friends at my school and met new people through them; if I could go back despite being devastated as if it was the worst thing in the entire world I wouldnt change it now. Hope it goes okay.

ScrapThatThen · 02/03/2020 07:41

Don't keep it from him.

Robuns · 02/03/2020 08:09

Forgot to add I would tell him, if he gets chatting to his friends at school about it he might just assume he is going there too, making the dissapointment even worse.

stairgates · 02/03/2020 08:15

Tell him now OP, sorry he didnt get his place:(

Beautiful3 · 02/03/2020 08:26

I agree with another poster that it's sad, but you should tell him now.

MrsNoah2020 · 02/03/2020 08:35

You tell him over breakfast " Guess what! You got into x school, you'll have a chance to make loads of new friends and ....... (think of something positive about school. Does it have a pool or new library)

Please don't do that. It's incredibly patronising - he is 10, not 2; he's not stupid - he will know you are pretending and it will make him mistrustful of you. It also denies him the right to his natural feelings of disappointment. Let him express his feelings, then help him focus on some positives.

I agree with not showing him that you think it's a big deal from your point of view, but don't deny him the right to feel upset. It is a big deal when you are 10.

Paperdollss · 02/03/2020 08:37

Do the teachers find out?
We don’t find ours out untill after 9am, I don’t want a teacher tell my DC before I do Blush

MeetingForCoffee · 02/03/2020 08:38

Definitely after school