tell son didn’t get chosen secondary before he goes school in morning or later? [sad]

[Seacharts]

If I tell him I’m the morning he’ll have to go through the whole school day devastated. His small friendship circle all have siblings in the school he wanted, so they’ll all get in.

My son has a sibling at a different school to the one him and his friends all want, so that’s the one he’s been given.

If I don’t tell him in the morning (pretend I haven’t received email yet) I could get an idea when he comes home of which of his friends are going where and maybe (unlikely but hopefully) one of them got allocated the same school as my son.

But then he’d also know I was fibbing about not getting the email because all his friends mums already had.

Give him the pain and see if his friends can support him through it, or delay the pain and take the full brunt of it when he gets home?

Husband is dismissive saying it’s a first world problem and son will ‘get over it’. He doesn’t understand how important son’s friendship circle is. Nor that the preferred school was a better fit for his abilities and talents, whilst the school he’s been allocated isn’t.

everyone else in his class bar one got the school my son wanted

Does the school use distance as a tie breaker? If so, unless your son lives further from the school than everyone else in his class, it suggests a mistake has been made. What reason do they give for him not being offered this school?

Agree with BearimyJeremy .
A neighbour's dd got into a much sought after school that we missed out on by several metres because they had a sibling there already.
3 weeks in the girl hated it so much they swapped schools to an allegedly worse performing one where DD's classmates went (dd got into a different school and was on her own).
Imagine the expense for that poor family after the joy of getting their dd into the prized school. Only to give up the place within 3 weeks. And the ongoing problem of two children at two different schools.
And my dd having to go to a new school on her own (- she's a timid sort). She loves it now.
It feels stressful at the time. And no amount of "they'll be alright" makes it better. But chances are, they will.

The “poor” family had a choice to change schools. Personally, I think only giving it a couple of weeks is lunacy. Lots of kids have issues settling initially. They’ll likely have the same issues in the next school.

@prh47bridge

We’re equidistant from preferred and allocated schools. Although most kids on the roads surrounding us do go to my son’s allocated school.

I didn’t know the school had to give reasons for declining an application. Do you know where I might find that info? Thankyou

Dear OP, please please remember what gnushoes says re friendships changing at secondary. My Ds1 is barely friends (totally civil and share lifts to parties etc, but not close anymore) with anyone from primary now. In the years up to GCSE's (Year 11) they change so much and find their niche.

Smaller groups of friends and also bigger groups. Ds1 has always had fabulous friends, in secondary (for which I am truly grateful) : boys play football and go to nando's and go to parties, with 20 or 30 other boys and girls.

So long as he always has a couple of decent friends, that's all that matters!!

They don’t have to inform you unasked, op? You won’t have met the criteria and they can tell you what that is (although you should have made yourself aware) and the distance of the last admitted child, if it’s primarily based on distance.
How will it help you to know why you didn’t meet the criteria?

@Thisismytimetoshine , I don't want to say more because it's outing but this is not an easily unsettled girl or a pandering to their child type family. That's what made it so shocking.
2 years on, she's very happy in her new school.

Yeah, that’s fair enough. We’re not all clones, I suppose.

He won't have missed out because his sister is in a different school, that's bonkers thinking.

If the criteria is SENCO/looked after children, then siblings and then on distance then he obviously sat too far down the list on distance criteria. Call the council, ask where he is on the list and how far away you are compared to the last position given. Stay on the list - it's easy and gives him a chance.

The reason he will have got his 2nd choice is because he was higher on their criteria list than other people. That's because he has a sibling there.

He won't have missed out due to his sibling - he just missed going to your 3rd choice.
Waiting lists at secondary are very different to Primary and especially Infants. As secondaries have far more pupils so there is more chance of movement. You don't even have to tell him about them. And you can reject a place from the waiting list if offered it.

Re why you missed out, they are required to put that information on the letter they send telling you that you didn't get a place at your preferred school. Some LAs are better at this than others.

The fact you are equidistant from the preferred and allocated schools isn't relevant in figuring out whether or not they've made a mistake. The question is whether you live further away from your preferred school than his classmates. That is central to figuring out whether or not a mistake has been made.

In the last 3 years I have had 4 grandchildren go to senior school. 1boy and 3girls all have changed their friendship group. They now have some old friends but more knew ones.

I feel for his sister being used to burden the blame. Poor kid.

So do I. More so because op should have been clued up enough to know it was nonsense and knocked it right on the head.

Thanks @prh47bridge I don’t consider this a mistake and won’t be appealing, not least because there’s no grounds for it. There is no issue here just curiosity as to how everyone in his class except him were offered the feeder secondary. I’ve done to death the overthinking needle in haystack stage of researching allocation criteria etc. with my last child (although that was primary school) and I’m definitely not wasting time and mental energy doing that again ?

Son will have to suck it up, and I’ve no doubt he’ll make friends as his shy sister did eventually (after intervention from pastoral care team), but it’s a shame he didn’t get the school that better suits his abilities, regardless of whether his friends are there are not.

Thankyou for views everyone 👍

@Thisismytimetoshine. OP knocked it on the head two years ago when daughter started, don’t worry. He was well informed of likelihood of sibling link allocation.
This post is about how to soothe the worries of the boy over his disappointment.

There doesn’t have to be evidence of a mistake to raise an appeal, op, that what prh47 has just explained to you 🤦🏻

Up to you but it sounds like a possible mistake to me. I'll be happy to check the admission criteria for the school concerned for you if you want to PM me the name of the school and LA concerned. But fully understand if you just want to walk away from this.

I don’t wish to make an appeal @timetoshine, there’s no grounds for it mistake or not, the school is massively oversubscribed anyway. The post is about soothing his worried brow. Which I’ll be starting on in about 5 minutes on the school run

Best of luck 🍀

I could do @prh47bridge as I know you have experience with this topic, thanks. I am curious

And indeed, if the school is better suited to your son's abilities you may have a decent case for appeal even if there is no mistake. It won't be as strong as it would be if there is a mistake but it is still potentially winnable. Secondary school appeals are much easier to win than appeals for admission into Reception.

I would certainly explore the possibility that’s a mistake has been made. Not because of friendship groups but because you feel it is a better option academically.

His sister would have bumped him up the priority list for his given school, but this would only be looked at once it was established you didn’t qualify for admission into your preferred school.

Same has happened to my ds, his preferred school is oversubscribed so they have allocated him a place nearest to where we live. He has SEN and he probably will just about cope with going to his preferred school but I don't know how this will effect him as he has lots of anxiety, and if his friends have all got into his first choice he will be very upset.
I'm about to break the news to him when he comes out of school.
I was going to appeal but don't know if I can with it being over subscribed.

How will it help you to know why you didn’t meet the criteria

Knowing the distance they measured your house at, and knowing the last distance admitted could help you ascertain if there had been a mistake in the measurement, and also give you an idea of how close you were ...so if you were 0.3 of a meter past last distance it would give you an idea that you had a very good chance on the waiting list.

Because 'last distance' often increases considerably as the waiting lists move.

OP, I hope your lad does come to feel better, but if you think the other school is better suited, I can't see the harm on putting him on the waiting list. That isn't a stressful thing to do.