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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

tell son didn’t get chosen secondary before he goes school in morning or later? [sad]

110 replies

Seacharts · 02/03/2020 02:06

If I tell him I’m the morning he’ll have to go through the whole school day devastated. His small friendship circle all have siblings in the school he wanted, so they’ll all get in.

My son has a sibling at a different school to the one him and his friends all want, so that’s the one he’s been given.

If I don’t tell him in the morning (pretend I haven’t received email yet) I could get an idea when he comes home of which of his friends are going where and maybe (unlikely but hopefully) one of them got allocated the same school as my son.

But then he’d also know I was fibbing about not getting the email because all his friends mums already had.

Give him the pain and see if his friends can support him through it, or delay the pain and take the full brunt of it when he gets home?

Husband is dismissive saying it’s a first world problem and son will ‘get over it’. He doesn’t understand how important son’s friendship circle is. Nor that the preferred school was a better fit for his abilities and talents, whilst the school he’s been allocated isn’t.

OP posts:
Icecreamdiva · 02/03/2020 08:44

I’d tell him beforehand. It’s his news and his future and it seems wrong to keep it from him but obviously he is your son and you know him best so you have to make that decision

I agree with people saying that friendship circles change dramatically when children go to secondary so from that point of view it probably won’t be as bad as you think.

MirenaManiac · 02/03/2020 08:47

Hopefully you told him before school, for all the well-expressed reasons given up thread. I agree with @MrsNoah2020 - don't patronise him and pretend it's a wonderful surprise to be going to the other school. You can focus on the positives whilst still letting him feel what he feels. I think as adults none of us likes it when someone tries to jolly us into pretending to be positive about things. We need to be allowed to say what we really feel, and then we can move on to looking at the positives.

Oblomov20 · 02/03/2020 08:48

Tell him.
Presumably you had already talked to him extensively about the chances of him getting in were slim? Because he has sibling at the other school. So this won't come as a shock?

Thisismytimetoshine · 02/03/2020 08:50

🍀. Best of luck to you all.

icannotremember · 02/03/2020 09:24

I hope you told him and he is OK :)

DS2 is distraught about his school offer and I have been doing the bright smile through gritted teeth thing, "it's a good school ds2! You will do brilliantly there!" whilst wanting to scream and bang my head against the wall. But it won't help him to know I am almost as disappointed as him, so I will keep being massively positive about it, hope he has some friends at primary who have also been allocated, and get him on waiting lists!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/03/2020 09:25

I'd go with earlier, and reassure him that he'll still be able to see his friends at weekends etc.

My DS1 has just started high school (Australia, different school year) and has known for the last year and a half that he would not be going to the same high school as most of his friends (awful place, in my opinion). This caused him periodic times of unhappiness and feeling "separate" from his friends - but you know what? 5 weeks into his first year of high school and he's made heaps of new friends and he still sees his old friends at the weekends, especially because 5 of them have started a band together (they're really pretty good for 12 year olds!!)

So focus on that - that new friendships WILL happen, and that he will still be able to see his old friends outside of school as well.

MinkowskisButterfly · 02/03/2020 09:36

No advice but please go on waiting list. Slightly different as we are primary but we didnt get our first choice (we are massively out of catchment, it is the only outstanding and we are practically next door to another school which is Ofsted poor though fortunately weren't offered that as we never put it down but a lot of people got schools they didnt even put down in our area) we finally got a place at our desired school in July and dd2 started in September the same time as everyone else.

Thisismytimetoshine · 02/03/2020 09:39

The waiting lists change massively over the summer months. The original offer is just the first throw of the dice, as it were.
Good luck.

gnushoes · 02/03/2020 09:40

There are usually at least three major refriendings in secondary - year 7, year 8 and year 9. It tends to settle in year 10. In my experience with 3 kids, they each had a primary friend in their year 7 class and very swiftly they didn't really see much of each other any more. Friendships are pretty volatile in years 7-10. Your son will be fine, honestly. And he may or may not keep up with the primary friends - my kids did with some and not with others.

Baker1985 · 02/03/2020 09:47

My son went high school this year picked high school all his primary school friends went to an got it. He longer hangs around with any of his primary school friends not one of them. First week there he made new mates. Explain to him that he will make loads of new mates an all the other kids will be feeling just as nervous an as scared as he is.

Noideaatall · 02/03/2020 09:47

We were in exactly this position last year - we put our son's name on the waiting list even though the school said he had little chance. He got a place over the summer. Same happened with my older son, nine years ago. Don't despair.

MyDcAreMarvel · 02/03/2020 09:49

The school I chose for my dd a few years back none of her friends applied for as it was a church school. It made no difference at all that she didn’t know anybody. Please reassure him that people make new friendships groups at high school.

StSaulOfSnacks · 02/03/2020 09:55

Please alert his teacher and/or TA if your DS is upset. They should be used to helping children in your DS's position. The allocated school may also run extra transition sessions for pupils who are moving up without any/many of their peers. Phone them to find out.

Clymene · 02/03/2020 10:00

I can't reassure you re the school but please tell him not to worry too much about friends - as everyone has said, even if your child gets the school they want with the friends they want, chances are by the end of year 7, they will have completely different friends.

prh47bridge · 02/03/2020 10:19

no not a chance, it’s oversubscribed

That doesn't mean you can't win an appeal. Every appeal is for an oversubscribed school. If the school isn't oversubscribed there would be no need for an appeal. You can win by showing that your son will be disadvantaged by not going to this school and that this outweighs any problems the school will face through having to cope with an additional pupil.

However, you almost certainly won't win on friendship issues. As others have said, even if he does go to the same school as his friends he will almost certainly have a completely different friendship circle within a few weeks of starting at the school. To stand any chance of winning an appeal on the basis of friendship issues you would need evidence from appropriate professionals showing that your son has a stronger need to stay with his friends than other children.

If you want to appeal you need to find things the appeal school offers that are missing from the allocated school and that are particularly relevant to your son.

Original poster
Seacharts · 02/03/2020 10:25

Hi all, thanks for support. Every single one of his friends at junior school was offered the school my son didn’t get. Unusually my son’s two best friends are both sets of twins, so even the two lots of twins in his class were offered the school before he was.

I told him before school in the end. He cried, and then became resentful towards his older Year 8 sister who is at the school he was allocated, so he blames it on her being there and that’s why they gave him that school too.

Considering the one he wanted was oversubscribed it makes sense they’d use the sibling link.

There’s no chance of waiting list, I’ve been through all that before with my daughter at infant school when we moved from village to town, too much stress and not a chance of getting into son’s preferred school because it’s so popular.

I was always upfront with him about the sibling link likelihood preventing things and have been positive about things like your friends are always there even if you change schools, etc.

He already knows his older sister who’s very shy made a new friendship circle at her school (only 3 people from her same junior school as my son went to her chosen school, so my kids junior school is obviously a strong feeder for the popular secondary) yet still sees her old friends regularly enough.

I’ll wait and see how he feels after today.

It’s a worse case scenario outcome, but you just deal with it I guess. I know some parents today will have far worse predicaments with this issue than me.

Thanks everyone Flowers

OP posts:
CatMuffin · 02/03/2020 10:41

I don't think he didn't get the school because he has a sister at another school. If she didn't exist he still wouldn't have got it.

SarahTancredi · 02/03/2020 10:48

I hope you can manage to get him to realise that his sister had nothing to do with it. His sister mate have been the link to "save" him from preferences further down the list but she had nothing to do with why he didn't qualify for your first choice school. Please dont let him blame.her

SarahTancredi · 02/03/2020 10:48

May have

Not mate

fogginghell · 02/03/2020 10:49

Sorry to hear he was so upset op BrewThanks

I've also broken the news to dd this morning , 'so I got the email, you got x...and are on the waiting list for preferred option'... it's best to just let them know, sometimes the worst part is not knowing, especially when they're already anxious about it.

Hope things get easier from here onwards op x

Lougle · 02/03/2020 10:50

You've misunderstood slightly. He didn't get his choice of school because there were too many other children who qualified ahead of him. If there is a sibling category, that will explain how some children who may live further away got in ahead of him.

Having a sibling only gave him a higher chance of getting into the school he has been allocated. If you had put that school lower on your list than the 3rd school and the 3rd school had a space for him, he wouldn't have been given his sibling's school.

Original poster
Seacharts · 02/03/2020 10:57

@CatMuffin it’s hard to say as everyone else in his class bar one got the school my son wanted, and the other kid didn’t want that school anyway. Nobody else in his class has a sibling at the school my son was allocated. I know all the kids.

Anyway doesn’t matter it’s done now, no changing it, no point staying upset, I need to find positive ways to progress this news now, and having read other threads I absolutely see that other parents are having a worse time of this allocations thing with multiple siblings split up and travel issues and so on.

At least son didn’t get the third choice school as that really would have been devastating.
It’s necoming a tough year. We can’t afford our holiday this year and have discussed with kids we are going to cancel it, and I’m desperately trying to find another job to increase my hours because we’re so skint, so the allocations disappointment is the 3rd bad luck but it all comes in 3s doesn’t it, so maybe the £50 in premium bonds I have will win me today Grin nope, maybe not, but maaaan I need to get to thinking of how to deal with son after school today now, luckily not working today so plenty of time to mope around house fee,ing sorry for myself and devising a battle plan.

Thanks again all Smile

OP posts:
ShriekingBansheela · 02/03/2020 11:01

OP, if the school admits on distance and everyone who lives near enough to go to the same primary got in, surely you must live quite close? So will have a reasonable chance on the waiting list?

I am sorry your Ds is upset.

PPs are right though: each application you made is judged in its merits against the published criteria. Unfortunately you were not high enough up the list to get offered a place in the first round of allocations.

With a sibling link you would always have been very high in the list for your allocated school, but you would always have been offered any school you listed above that if you met their criteria.

There is a LOT of movement after the acceptance deadline. Accept this place but please keep your Ds on the waiting list. If you think it will create uncertainty then no need to tell him you have done that.

TW2013 · 02/03/2020 11:21

Assuming that you put the preferred school first on the list not being allocated it is nothing to do with his sister. Do make sure that he understands that. He just wasn't high enough on the list for the other school, presumably the other children live closer/ are in catchment/ attend church or whatever the admission criteria are.

Put his name on the waiting list, appeal if you think it will really disadvantage him and try to be positive about the allocated school.

BearimyJeremy · 02/03/2020 11:25

If it's any comfort my son was delighted to get the same school as his merry band of friends... And then in the last chunk of year 6 they all colossally fell out and my son was stuck in year 7 with the lot of them! The friends he has now aren't the same at all, two years on.