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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Boarding school for DD but not for DS

79 replies

WeakandWobbly · 15/12/2019 21:58

This question is not about boarding versus day school, but I just wanted to know what people thought about my DD going to weekly boarding school in year 7, given that her brother won't. He has ASD in state school but the atmosphere at home can be toxic around his mood swings and attitude towards her. Of course there is always the risk that my DD will feel her brother is being favoured, but nothing could be further from the truth, and we would make a point of reassuring her. We've found a fabulous school and she's keen to board. They get on well when they've been apart, but the sibling rivalry has been getting her down for years and I feel this is her chance to fly and have breathing space. Genuinely seeking views/advice.

OP posts:

BillHadersNewWife · 15/12/2019 23:45

She's very young to go away...and if her brother is the reason you're considering it, well I do think that's a bad decision. He may be difficult to live with but sending her away from her parents won't fix that.

VanyaHargreeves · 15/12/2019 23:52

If the atmosphere at home so negatively impacts her she really struggles for studying and personal space, she might really need the respite.

Seeing it as not wanting her/getting rid is a really unnecessary simplification.

If she wants to let her try it she can always come back

SurpriseSparDay · 15/12/2019 23:53

Genuinely seeking views/advice.

Oh, good. Too many definitely not genuine posts around right now.

Has your DD asked to weekly board? Or intimated that she would prefer to spend less time with her brother? If so, it could well make life more pleasant for her.

But boarding (even weekly boarding) requires a lot of commitment from parents.

And are you sure that this new opportunity for her won’t engender envy and hostility in her sibling?

Temporaryanonymity · 15/12/2019 23:53

My DS1 is similar to your son. My younger son has often asked if we can send his brother to boarding school. I don’t know how old your ASD child is but I have seen a marked change in mine over the last year. He’s 13 and our home situation is far less fraught now.

bionicnemonic · 15/12/2019 23:56

Will she flexi board, so come back at the weekend. I’d be concerned that when she gets older she may view it that she was discharged from the family so you could focus on her sibling.

bionicnemonic · 15/12/2019 23:58

Sorry-missed the weekly board

Vslightlystressy · 16/12/2019 08:59

I did what you are suggesting- it was completely the best thing which could have happened- my home life was still tough in the holidays but school was a respite...

IdiotInDisguise · 16/12/2019 09:09

If she is looking forward to go, that is ok, it is not that this is an irreversible decision, she can go back home if she changes her mind.

Just make it clear that you love her and are giving her the space you think she needs but that she is welcome to live at home if she prefers after x period of time.

BubblesBuddy · 16/12/2019 09:11

11 is the normal starting age for girls schools. A keen boarder will be absolutely fine. Mine were.

I would do it. However do choose a school you can get to. Ours was 45 minutes drive from home. I wouldn’t go much over 1 hour for weekly boarding.

Weekly boarding gives you a chance to be fully involved in school and you should be close enough to do this. My DDs had house events, music events, house competitions, chapel, sport and drama. We attended school a lot! Boarding gives them so many opportunities and you must make time to share some of these with your DD. This can work well for your family and I would do it as long as you support DD fully.

SurpriseSparDay · 16/12/2019 09:18

Well, she will still be living at home! Presumably she’ll sleep at school four or five nights a week in term time - with all weekends and the usual longer holidays of any independent school spent at home.

She’s neither ‘going away’ nor being ‘sent away’.

If she’s happy at a good school it could be brilliant for her both academically and socially - she’ll be able to relax amongst friends and get on with learning and growing. And all this may strengthen her resilience at home.

SurpriseSparDay · 16/12/2019 09:19

(That was responding to IdiotInDisguise)

QueenOfOversharing · 16/12/2019 09:36

My brother went to boarding school at 11, I was at home. He resented "being sent away". I resented "not being worth spending the money on".

TheBossOfMe · 16/12/2019 10:01

My Y7 DD weekly boards - but has built up to it via Flexi boarding. She adores it - surrounded by friends during the week, so much today, but back to the warmth of her family every weekend. Talk to you DD - it has to be her choice.

AJPTaylor · 16/12/2019 10:16

That makes a huge amount of sense in your circumstances.

PotteringAlong · 16/12/2019 10:19

I think it makes sense, especially if she’s keen and will be coming home at weekends.

Annasgirl · 16/12/2019 10:23

I would do it - your DD deserves some peace to be able to focus on her studies. If she is happy to do it and you all like the school then go for it. I always wanted to board but we couldn't afford it - so I get why someone would want to - I can from a chaotic home and loved the sound of just being away and normal for a while.

Nagsnovalballs · 16/12/2019 10:24

I think it’s all about having honest conversations and laying out the options fairly and clearly to give her a choice. Write a list of pros and cons together for the various schooling options and discuss them sensibly, in a special mother daughter event like going to a cafe together. Reassure that it’s about enabling her happiness and a positive relationship with her brother, but that there is more than one option.

ChristmasSpiritsOnThRocksPleas · 16/12/2019 10:25

If she’s keen to go I think that’s the main thing.

IceCreamFace · 16/12/2019 11:16

You mention weekly boarding how far away is the school? Could she flexi board if she struggles with boarding? 11 is still quite young for boarding but I definitely understand your motivation.

Raspberry123 · 16/12/2019 11:25

If she is keen to go and she will be happy there it sounds a good solution. I know other families where one child has boarded to give them a 'normal' life whilst the older child had extreme developmental needs. It gave the parents a chance to focus on the older child and the younger child to have a more 'normal' childhood. Different children need different schools.

Branleuse · 16/12/2019 11:31

I would consider it but let her know its so she can have space, but if she doesnt enjoy it, then shes welcome to stay home and find a closer day school

flickeringcandle45 · 16/12/2019 14:14

If she wants to go I would let her.

There are many children in boarding schools who have siblings at home with health/behavioral issues and boarding school can be a welcome respite.

Hoppinggreen · 16/12/2019 14:54

I’m usually pretty anti boarding but if she’s keen I think I might do it in your circumstances.

Original poster

WeakandWobbly · 16/12/2019 16:44

Everybody here has given such sensible views, thank you, even the negative ones! We will definitely chat with her and weigh up the pros and cons. The school is about 50mins away, as we're close to the motorway , so not overly far for day events. There is a closer day school if it doesn't work out, but doesn't have the dance/sport options that she wants to get into. And of course there is the instability of home life to be coming back to every night.
It would also give me a chance to work on coping strategies with my DS to get on top of his behaviour.
I don't think I would ever completely eliminate sibling rivalry whatever decision we make. My DS would I am sure appreciate his sister more at weekends! Thank you all so much. Helpful things to think about

OP posts:

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 16/12/2019 16:51

The most important thing is to make sure that she genuinely feels (not just intellectually understands) that she is not being sent away so you can concentrate on her brother - so it would need to be very much something she actively chooses as being best for her rather than something she feels she ought to choose to make life easier for mum and dad.

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