Boarding school for DD but not for DS

[WeakandWobbly]

This question is not about boarding versus day school, but I just wanted to know what people thought about my DD going to weekly boarding school in year 7, given that her brother won't. He has ASD in state school but the atmosphere at home can be toxic around his mood swings and attitude towards her. Of course there is always the risk that my DD will feel her brother is being favoured, but nothing could be further from the truth, and we would make a point of reassuring her. We've found a fabulous school and she's keen to board. They get on well when they've been apart, but the sibling rivalry has been getting her down for years and I feel this is her chance to fly and have breathing space. Genuinely seeking views/advice.

I completely agree!

Sorry, haven't read all replies, but wanted to add quickly-
We have 2 dc, one with ASD (dc2)
DC1 asked to board in year 9 and I suspect part of that request was to get away from dc2. The school he wanted to go to was full boarding only but it's worked out great.
Oddly enough, dc2 then asked to weekly board and that's going really well too. So if your dc wants to board, then support them and go for it.
DC1 really appreciated being able to get to school on time, attend all sports practises without trauma and be able to work in peace. All those with ASD dc will know what I'm talking about!
Go for it. Good luck.

Yes, we do know what you're talking about!! thanks for your advice. Glad it's working for you

We did it the other way round. Ds has asd and boarded for several years at a specialized school which could meet his needs. Dd thrived not being with him all the time and he got the education he needed.

Would do it again in a heartbeat.

May I ask why your DS is in state school and not private school? No judgement or anything, just curious as we are in a similar situation.

I went full boarding at year 7 and enjoyed it. When both kids get different opportunities you need to ask them both about their feelings so that there isn’t resentment - he might be upset he doesn’t get the opportunity or she may be upset she is ‘sent’ away. Also try and make sure there are future options (eg if daughter doesn’t like it she can switch back to day school or if DS would like to try boarding later, you can manage it).

If she wants to let her try it she can always come back

What VanyaHargreaves said above.

Please let your daughter make the choice. She will be the normal age of going up to big school (11ish), just that in her case, she'll be a weekly boarder.

Friends of ours had a daughter who was a weekly boarder for a couple of years and the girl had an amazing time, met all sorts of interesting friends who are still friends. I think her mum and dad fretted more than here (very close family), but it was the right decision at the time and no way would she have stayed at the school if she'd been unhappy.

more than 'her', not 'here'.

how about the boy going to some kind of boarding situation, I guess he's older.
how can a 11 yr old know if she would really like it.
I had been reading Jennings books aged 9-10 and thought it would be like that. it wasn't.

once you're in the system you can get trapped.
I wish I'd been at home. I felt it was out of sight, out of mind. the bullying, mostly by the staff, was day and night. it has a lasting effect.
I know you will all say that's a long time ago, things are different, better now; maybe they are, but I guess compared with a further back generation's experience, mine was small potatoes.
I do not blame my parent. they were influenced advised by so-called people who knew things. didn't know me though. or our family. not from the inside. well -meaning do-gooders, interferers, like so many MILs. and my parent didn't know what it was really like. all fur coat and no drawers as we used to say. I didn't tell parent, they had enough to cope with. and frankly I expected life to be suffering. my parents had it much worse.
sorry. gone into my own agenda. but that's why I feel as I do.
I also know several men whose ex wives feel they were emotionally crippled by being sent away to school. think they are right. I think adults justify it to themselves, lots of friends around etc; what about never having any privacy, and no one who loves you.
it 's not like going to college. one is powerless at that age.

**never having any privacy, and no one who loves you.
She has her own room at home, and will be sleeping in it 2-3 nights per week as a weekly boarder. She won't be 'unloved'......

Honestly - those of us who have had boarding DC recently don’t have damaged DC. We have all actively involved our children in their educational choices. My DDs loved boarding. The school had lots of weekly boarders (is now almost all weekly boarding) but it was also busy at weekends. House Dance competition is a highlight of the year where they went! (DD was star dancer at the inaugural competition). Also it’s a sporty school but every girl could find something to enjoy. This is a strong reason to board. The breadth of the education is unrivalled.

Please do not see this as sending your DD away. Mine viewed it as having two homes and two families! Those friendships have lasted more than university friendships.

Your DS might not benefit from boarding and you don’t have to meet his needs this way. He could benefit from school closer to home and/or have his needs met by a state school. Boarding isn’t best for every child, especially one with behaviour issues.

I think weekly boarding could be great for her if she wants to, as you say she does. I weekly boarded at my own request (started as a day pupil) from the January of year 7 (wasn't called year 7 then).. and it was definitely a positive. I might not have been as keen if I'd had local friends though - my decision was influenced by having been to an out of area primary school miles away and living in a village my parents moved us to mid primary with very few local children and none I knew. So having friends to knock about with was a wonder to me at weekly boarding school.

I'd say she could change her mind after Christmas if she starts boarding in September - not earlier as wobbles in the first 6 weeks can be normal, but if they haven't passed by Christmas they need to be taken seriously.

She'd be very young to full board but weekly might give her the balance she needs given the strains at home. As long as she's eager it's a great idea.

Here we go this is going to become an anti boarding thread if we're not careful.
I also know several men whose ex wives feel they were emotionally crippled by being sent away to school. think they are right.
I accept that some men who went boarding school are "emotionally crippled" but so are sadly many many men (and women) who've have never put a toe inside a boarding school.

I think the "no one who loves you" comment is interesting. The thing that really struck me was how much DS2's HM cared for him. He went through a difficult period when he was 16 (totally unrelated to school) he was happy to criticise his HM but the one one thing he would always say was how much his HM cared about him.
I would as a mother and in my professional judgement say that my DS1 rather than being "emotionally crippled" by his boarding experience is actually exceedingly emotionally intelligent. There are of course lots of reasons for this and Im not saying it's because he's boarded but it certainly hasn't done him any harm.
OP both mine boarded till yr 8 and then one went to a state day school and the other one boarded (their choices). I agonised over this would the one who went to the state school say in the future "you paid for my brothers education and not mine"? Or would the one who went to boarding school say "I was sent away to school and my brother was at home"?
Privacy is at a premium in a boarding school but many children I speak too (at work) say the same thing about their homes lives.
Both are now in their 20's I sat them down and asked them they said that they chosen their schools and that neither would have been happy at each others schools. That we as parents supported them in every way we could in their choices and through their school lives we were there for them they know that we love them both and that neither felt the other had received anything better than the other.

My children are different personalities as are yours I have never believed in the one size fits all model.
Lastly I agree tell your DD that of she hates it she can come home but as someone who used to work in boarding schools I would say give it two terms before serious;y considering taking her out. Assuming this is a independent school you're thinking with the requirement for a terms notice this basically means a full academic year. Many children take to boarding like ducks too water, others struggle in the beginning IME most settle down and love it but there will always be a few who don't. For those who struggle if by Easter they are still very unhappy its likely that they will never really settle and its best for them and their fellow boarders if they leave.

I would let her go and try it.

Like others said, boarding schools are very different these days and also differ from each other. One of my sons went boarding and the two schools could not have been more different. He also has his own room now, so privacy is better than at home where he shares a bedroom.

I don't think any of the staff genuinely care or love my DS frankly. Some actually seem very cold. But he has access to home 24/7 via phone, Skype and he is home or we visit most weekends. Holidays are very long. He k owa that if he has a problem he has mum, dad, siblings and relatives he can call. He is not a damaged boy and he is given the choice to join his siblings school every half term but actively chooses not to. If he wanted to move I would do it in a heartbeat.

"I don't think any of the staff genuinely care or love my DS frankly."
Thats very sad,. I used to work in a boarding school and I genuinely very much cared about the pupils. I agree some staff didn't but most the HM's/matrons I worked with definitely did.
I think its very school dependent sone have a very strong "man up" culture others are known for being very caring and then it also comes down to the individual. Most HM's Ive met take their role very seriously (there will off course always be those that dont) in particular their role in loco parentis they genuinely see themselves as acting as parent in all ways providing the same level of emotional support care as a parent would. Done properly it's an exhausting job 24/7 their own families come soon during term time. But a good HM makes an enormous difference to a child's experience of boarding.

Friends of mine did this and then their child with autism moved to a residential school so all were away. The NT children have both thrived, the child with autism has continued to have a difficult path (parents have done everything anyone could).

I think it’s a great idea if she is keen, it’s worked out well for several people that I know in a similar situation.

The school day can be so long anyway that staying over four nights can mean more sleep and more time to do extra curricular stuff.

Siblings can easily need different schools to each other. Looking back ds1 would have benefitted so much from boarding school but ds2 would not.

My sisters went but i didn't, it was the right decision for all of us.

I didn’t find the housemistresses particularly cared for my DDs. The one who made her Head of House valued her and thought a lot of her but the others were only ok. It was noticeable there were favourites with several of them and that didn't help . The girls noticed in an instant the unfairness of it all! So relationships were never going to be great.

DD2 had no affinity with hers at all. She didn’t like that one smelt the same as her dog! She really liked the boarding assistant in her 6th form though. She did care about the girls and was someone DD could turn to.

However for weekly boarders, HMs are of less concern. They come and go and are less important in the lives of the boarders. You do need one who can spot concerns and some are better at this than others. Plenty will file problems in the “too difficult” box! If you get an outstanding one you are lucky. Down the years, DDs had one outstanding one. Most were ok but love and care - not really. I did all of that - as I should.

As a weekly boarded you really don't want or need the house mistresses to love you. A friendly and professional relationship really is appropriate. It's not a fostering arrangement. Parenting should still be done by the parents. Some people appear to have unrealistic expectations on this thread. The housemistresses were there to enforce bedtime and getting up time, keep an eye out for bullying and oversee tidyness, keep an eye on hygiene, be a first point of contact in case of illness, alert parents and/ or teachers to concerns dependent upon the nature of the concerns. I don't remember wanting to be loved by the housemistresses as an 11 year old weekly boarder - quite frankly that would have been inappropriate!

"Some people appear to have unrealistic expectations on this thread."
Maybe if your DC full boards you have different expectations? I'm not sure but most parents I know of full boarders both a parents and as someone whose worked in a full boarding school expect like and really appreciate the care shown by school staff.

Behind the scenes staff spend many hours in meeting discussing how best to care for the children especially those who struggle. The generosity and the kind words often seen by the parents and pupils towards house staff I think testifies their appreciation of this care/love.

happygardening I'm thinking specifically of the OP's situation with potential weekly boarding and my own experience as a weekly boarder as a child. The complaints that housemistresses may not love the children seem overblown and misplaced in a weekly boarding context with parents only an hour away especially. In this context a friendly professional caregiver is the right relationship, not a foster caring/ replacement parent dynamic. I must say as a weekly boarder even at 11 the housemistresses were there "just in case" and to ensure routine ticked along and keep an eye out. As a weekly boarder a closer relationship would really have felt inappropriate to me as a child weekly boarding between the ages of 11 and 16.

I think it's quite different to full boarding, because when a child only sleeps at school four nights a week in term time their parents are still doing all the actual parenting. They're still home more nights than away when you include holidays.

I have a child eager to go overseas for sixth form (back to the UK, we're abroad) which we're considering. She'll be older obviously if she does go, so different again.

Boarding isn't one thing is it? Weekly boarding wasn't really an awfully big deal tbh. Full boarding is a totally different kettle of fish.