Boarding school for DD but not for DS

[WeakandWobbly]

This question is not about boarding versus day school, but I just wanted to know what people thought about my DD going to weekly boarding school in year 7, given that her brother won't. He has ASD in state school but the atmosphere at home can be toxic around his mood swings and attitude towards her. Of course there is always the risk that my DD will feel her brother is being favoured, but nothing could be further from the truth, and we would make a point of reassuring her. We've found a fabulous school and she's keen to board. They get on well when they've been apart, but the sibling rivalry has been getting her down for years and I feel this is her chance to fly and have breathing space. Genuinely seeking views/advice.

I think it's quite different to full boarding, because when a child only sleeps at school four nights a week in term time their parents are still doing all the actual parenting.

Trust. Me. On. This: the parents of the full boarders I know best do all the parenting required. That is not the role of Housemasters/Housemistresses. Their role is to work with parents/families/other school staff to ensure each child has the best possible experience at school. They vary in levels of caring and conscientiousness - but there’s absolutely no need for them to replace parents in any meaningful way.

You have to remember that full boarders now have access to pretty much full time access to their families via Facetime/phone/whatever outside time spent in classrooms or on a sports field. Very keen parents may be at the school every week for one reason or another, and full boarders spend an astonishing amount of time at home.

Just to clarify my comment. What I meant is that whilst they care in terms of general stuff like are they generally OK, eating, sleeping etc, they don't have the bandwidth or sometimes affinity to care in thr same way a parent would.

Things like does the child look a bit down, what do they spend time doing, are they making thr most of their interests, do they need something on a given day. The general expectation is that they learn to be indeoendent. My DS says that if he had a problem there are not any members of staff he would go to.

Having said that, he is close to many of the older boys, some of whom do take a real interest and mentoring role towards the younger ones so I would say that the caring in the true sense probably comes more from them.

SurpriseSparDay bloody hell always someone so defensive and quickly offended. It's reminiscent of those parents who rend their 12 month old to nursery full time and go around snarking that they do "everything sahp do and work full time too".

Of course if your children are in someone else's care for extended periods you're not doing absolutely the identical role to a parent who's children are mostly physically with them. There are pros and cons to all options and no one size fits all or best option - nursery is sometimes best, sahp is best for other families, day school or weekly or full boarding can all be the best for different children and families, but they are blindingly obviously not the same and parents and those in locoparentis are consequently doing slightly different things in different set ups.

The thing with boarding is that the kids miss out on just being at home. At home kids are unconditionally loved so feel relaxed. It's also an escape from school relationships. I also think the important interactions between parents and kids don't always happen when you're sitting down to dinner/on Facetime they usually happen when you're doing the washing up and there's less pressure or driving them to their mates. A parent will pick up that's something wrong not because a kid tells them but because of how they behave generally. It's just being part of each other's lives - physically and emotionally. Those are the things that won't be there for a kid who is boarding. Without an outlet for their emotions there's a danger they'll bottle things up. With weekly boarding it's obviously less of an issue - especially if home isn't that relaxing due to the brother's issues. (Also I'm sure some kids are just independent and don't need that home to return to as often as others and for them the advantages of boarding may outweigh the disadvantages).

Im not saying HM's etc. are replacing parents they are usually working with parents but I don't think its unreasonable to expect HM etc to care for the children in their care.
Again in my experience as someone whose worked in boarding schools most HM's Ive worked with also support their pupils at times when things go wrong at school as a parent would. I've seen HM's care for support advocate and even fight their corner for pupils who've got into trouble in school even thought they know what they done is wrong. I know off children who would have been expelled but their HM has fought their corner for them and stopped it.
"Things like does the child look a bit down, what do they spend time doing, are they making the most of their interests, do they need something on a given day."
When I worked in one boarding school I used to attend a regular weekly meetings where the HM and other house staff discussed all this sort of thing. In particular we were looking out for children who might be a bit down and what were they spending their time doing. Many of the pupils would say they couldn't talk to their parents but could talk to house staff. One particularly dedicated HM followed his pupils interests closely even enabling one pupil to pursue his interest outside of school by driving him there once a week. Matrons worked hard with children to organise them ensuring that that had whatever they needed on a given day especially when they started boarding. This school has a reputation for being caring and having high standards of pastoral care I can see why now after reading the above. Perhaps my experiences are unusual?

I think it's fairly obvious that HM (along with other members of staff) are doing some of the parenting while the kid is at boarding school. They would hopefully be checking the DC were eating OK, getting to bed on time, not looking unwell, giving them hugs if they needed them, being an adult presence as they go about their everyday lives. Obviously they're not making the important decisions or having big discussions with the DC over Skype or being a constant in the kids lives etc that's the parents. Likewise parents who homeschool their kids do more than parents whose kids go to school.

at home children are unconditionally loved so feel relaxed

In an ideal world maybe - but that is not the experience of many children. Often parents are absent for long periods of time and relationships with siblings can be very difficult.

Where a parent is ill, where the marriage is not going well, where a sibling is a bully, or has severe learning difficulties or behavioural problems, the atmosphere at home can be hugely stressful. In these circumstances, boarding in a structured, controlled environment is a blessed release.

@flickeringcandle45

Absolutely, no home situation is ideal (sorry I was trying to give both sides and might have come across one sided). I meant for many children home is a sanctuary from the stresses of school because however grumpy they are they'll still be loved and usually they feel more able to be themselves without feeling judged.

I suppose it depends on the age of the children. In the teenage years I wouldnt say that ensuring someone goes to bed on time and eating etc is thr bulk of the parenting. This is much more thr case for a young child.

I have 3 other children who do not board and I feel they are all parented by me. Parenting a teenage is a lot about guidance, making time to support their interests, encouragement, direction and role modelling, I don't generally see this has been delegated by me in any way.

In some ways sometimes it would be nice to have a shared parenting model but I haven't found this to be true in the case of my son. It can vary of course depending on the situation.

Only do it if she really understands why, and wants to go. Make sure she really is happy and your ds is too.

Would he understand why he’s not going?

As one who grew up in fear and disorder and shame with a violent ASD sibling, I would have welcomed the chance to go to boarding school. As long as your daughter is excited, I can't think of a better thing for you to do for her!

I think this sounds like an excellent plan for your daughter. My only caveat would be that she needs to understand fully your thought processes and know that she can change her mind.

Growing up, I had a cousin with severe special needs and behavioural issues which affected his whole family. I feel sure that if his younger siblings had been offered the opportunity you’re offering your daughter to get away a little and forge their own paths, they would have jumped at the chance.

I think that your DS is more likely to be the jealous one. I would do it, yes.

Is there some way your DS can sometimes go and stay with relatives, residential weekends etc? Then your DD would get some 'home' time with you independently of your DS.

My son attends a special school and i know a few families where either the special needs child or their siblings board once the special needs child reaches a level where they affect their siblings education and well being and in each instance it has worked out for the best for them.

Do what is right for your family, unless posters have a special needs child they don't quite understand the issurs that can lead to such a decision. I would let DD board if it was her decision and we could afford to

AtomicRabbit that is a very interesting article, thank you! My DS is not severely disabled, but a bully and more Aspergers-type with ODD. So he probably wouldn't qualify for a special boarding school, and his personality is such that he would be more likely to feel 'sent away' and rejected if he was the one boarding.
I don't have any family that he can stay with. I thought of boarding for him, but DH would rather spend the money on DD as she has wider interests and would make better use of the facilities.
We've got time to make a decision, so all of the comments are very welcome.

Boarding, particularly flexi-boarding, can be a fantastic experience for some children. My DS was a flexi-boarder, DD wasn’t - both through choice. They attended the same school. There were other families with similar set ups. Neither have resented the other.

I also know 2 students with siblings who have ASD who boarded during the week. Although not perfect, it was a positive choice for the families in difficult circumstances.

Interesting discussion. I think the most important point made by PPs is the one about her genuine feeling, rather than just intellectually understanding, that this decision is made for her benefit and not for yours or her brother's. I think in practice, this is really difficult to achieve with a child who's been a young carer all their life. These children almost inevitably have to sublimate their needs and wants to their sibling a bit more than other children do, however hard we try, as parents, to prevent that. Honestly I would try to get some advice from a young carers' charity or similar.

I'm no fan of boarding. I also think the damage it can cause tends to hit quite late in life. At 18 or even 25 I'd have said it was "fine" and I "thrived", just like parents of current or recent boarders tend to do. Having my own children made me increasingly uncomfortable with it, but it hit me like bulldozer when my own children turned the age I'd been when I started boarding. Proper breakdown stuff. My mother maintains it was what I chose, so it wasn't on her head. I feel that is way too much to put on a child that age. The buck stops with you, not her, if she does end up feeling like she's been pushed out of the family.

Thinking about my own experience, as a boarder with a day schooled sibling, and knowing my NT 12 year old who has an autistic sibling, I don't think I could be confident enough that we could really ensure she did still feel as wanted and loved as her brother. (Sorry for the insanely long sentence.) I'm sure others will disagree. My parents, as parents of a day child and a boarder, for a start.

Another caveat I'd add is that it's easy for us to say she can always change schools, but that can feel like an utterly terrifying leap to a 13 or 14 year old. At that age it's all about fitting in. Moving from a boarding school to a day school is that much more of a leap than moving even from private into state or vice versa, because it affects the "culture" and structure of your whole world. As adults we can see the bigger picture and I think it's very easy for us to underestimate how hard a leap that could seem to her. I'd worry that she'd be likely to stick with the devil she knew, even if she were unhappy.

There are no easy answers. I think it partly depends on your home and how well you can meet her needs at home, keep them apart etc, with her brother there.

I’m sure the op is doing that for DS.

@AtomicRabbit thank you for that. I don't think I did hate it, but I do think I was damaged by it.

Boarding has made it easier for me to give my two children individual attention, and allowed them to go ahead and forge their own paths. In your situation I think you may find the drive to and from school very valuable talking time. My eldest, who has boarded longest, has found home is a more effective break from school because work is done at school and home is more completely free when she is there. Now with exams she is having to adapt to more study at home but this seems to be working fine.