Double fees big dilemma

[alexasmith]

DS is in a private school, TBH not as a first choice. He started at state school but DS has SEN needs and they just couldn't cope with it. As a result he had horrific yr 7 and we needed to get him out. The only other school around that we thought would suit better to his needs is a small PS. Now he is there and things have improved significantly.

Our DD is 4yrs younger. She is very bright, very academic and eager to learn and achieve. She is already (at age 10) have clear ambition for higher education and a career in science. She cruises through primary and at the top of her class with all straight top marks.

State seconderys around us are OK but nothing special or with focuse on sicence. We prefer a girls school but they are all co-ed. On the 'Privete' side, there are couple of private girls schools which are exceptionally good and at the top of the leauge tables. The culture of both schools is lovely and well rounded which DD and us all like. School is very academic without being pushy or highly competitive like others we have visited, including the only state selective we can try for with 11+ test (cut throat competition so low chances of getting in anyway and DD was not tutored long enough) and we don't actually like it anyway as the girls are all a bit miserable and stressed out from the competition.

We know that if she gets into one her two top choices, she will be very and do really well. Forgot to say DD also excel at gymnastics and one of them have a good gym team..

Our dilemma is simply fees. We can just about afford one child in PS but with two will have to remorgage our house, get cash out and instead of investing in the well over due renovations (kitchen, bathrooms falling apart) which we were planning to start this year, will need to sacrifice for education, gambling that the private route will get her to where she wants to get in life.

The other issue of course is that she is well aware of her older brother going to a PS and we are worried she will feel disadvantaged, not because she is not at a private school, but rather because she didn't get her prefers choice of school and feel compromised and miss out.

Please help me make sense of this.

I think you have to do it.

It would be hugely unfair to disadvantage her just because she is more academic.

It doesn't sound as if you can finance the private school.
So concentrate instead on what you can do.
If your daughter is focused she will do well anyway academically so look at gymnastics and the non academic side of the schools,attend all open evenings and see what you feel.

Your daughter sounds bright enough to do well at a non private school.
You have to remember that private school doesn’t always guarantee good teaching ( at my teaching college, those who failed or just about passed their degree could only gain employment in a private school). The only advantage is a small class and great facilities. Your daughter will thrive anyway.

Surely if your daughter is 4 years younger and is 10, her brother must only have a couple of years left?

Thanks everyone, so helpful to get some perspective here.
ImtheCaddy, yes, you are right, forgot to say DS starting yr10, DD staring yr6, so if he stays there for 6th form will be 4 yrs double fees.

Will he go to a private 6th form? Or will he go to a college or state school - even state 6th forms are small groups compared with the rest of secondary.
If its two years then its more doable, I think you have to try, it's the sort of resentment which stays for life. While your choices are logical, emotionally to a child her heart is going to say that you picked him over her. Even if you tell her to behave, you can't control the feelings.
But there are more things to investigate first.
Also investigate bursaries & scholarships esp if your dd is academic. A lot of schools will have means tested grants - ask around the ones you're looking at for dd and your son's school.

I think in these circumstances you need to allow DD to have the chance to go to private school too if that is what she wants.

We had the same dilemma a few years back, and had the huge burden of double fees for 3 years. Completely screwed our finances and our equity in our home has taken a hammering, but we would do it again in a heartbeat. It’s so wrong that we even have to contemplate paying privately for an education that our children should be entitled to through our already huge tax burdens, but that’s not likely to change anytime soon..

This sounds like absolute madness. Your son and daughter are completely different and not giving your daughter a private education is not disadvantaging her. By the sounds of it she's doing great where she is and would do so anywhere. Don't be fooled by private school results, most of those kids get private tuition which you probably won't be able to afford by the time you're paying for school fees X2. You have to look at your kids with a different view, not all will benefit the same way from the same things. It sounds like your daughter loves extra curriculars and would probably enjoy inviting her mates round to a nice house and parents that aren't moody because they can't sleep from financial stress. God forbid any of you lose your jobs in the midst of this.

How bright is your DD? How good is she at gymnastics? Is there any chance she could get some sort of scholarship for either school? I know some schools give scholarships in name only, but there are still some which have a reduction in fees. Speak to the bursers at both schools.

Despite the circumstances of your DC's being different, I think it would be hugely unfair not to give your DD, the same opportunities. She may always feel as though she was treated unfairly, which could be very harmful in the future.

Schoolmumm, I am curious as to why despite the financial struggle you said you would do it in a heartbeat?

Just to provide another perspective. We have two DDs at private schools. At one point we really didn't think we could afford it and went to the head to hand in our notice and he suggested a fee reduction, after means testing we got 20% off. I later found out that each school has a duty to provide a certain amount of bursaries to retain charitable status. Some schools will be influenced by a bright child and will give more off, although some don't. Point is: talk to the school, see what they say, the list price is rarely the price iyswim.

My parents sent my brother to a private school and me to a state one, because I was "academic and didn't need the help".

I think you need to do it for both or neither

Oh and Malmontar, I don't know about private school kids that get additional tuition. The results are due to small class sizes, more hands on teaching time, more resources etc.

I agree with Motherofterriers, either do it for both or for neither. My younger brother was enrolled at a different (much better) high school than the one my sister and I attended, and I resented him and my parents for a long time for giving him that opportunity but not me. Life isn't fair, I know, but that seemed particularly harsh on my sister and I after years of putting up with my brother being treated differently (he got various sports clubs every weekend and buying all the kit that went along with it, while at the same time telling me I couldn't go to tennis club because it was too expensive; not having to help around the house while my sister and I were making dinner and clearing up every night etc etc,) The school thing was one unfairness too far.

I sent one of my children to private school, the others to the local comprehensive. Two were bright and would do well anywhere. My “average” and “very young for the school year” child went to private secondary school- it still had a selective entry test. I would not stretch yourself with school fees. What would happen if you lose your job? This happen to us, and it was horrendous, as private school child was in the middle of GCSE course. In general, I don’t think private school is worth the money - not for academics. Smaller classes and better behaviour, yes. My average child did quite well, though - not as well as the siblings at the comprehensive- but really blossomed when they moved to a comprehensive school for A levels. There’s a lot of tutoring going on behind the scenes at private schools too. We were actually advised by the private school to get a tutor for maths.

@Orangesarenottheonlyfruit with all due respect you're slightly deluded if you think that or you're being sarcastic. I think not tutoring is the exception not the norm.

Our eldest child had a good, but by no means stellar, academic profile. Good at English & humanities, maths & science were not her forte. She had good level 5 in all her SATs leaving primary, but would never have done as well as she has, had she gone to our state secondary. It’s not just the academics, it is the work ethic and social confidence that has really seen her blossom. She hasn’t buried her head in her books, at the sacrifice of all else, or emerged with the eloquence of a mute pea...as has been the case with many higher achieving state school pupils I have interviewed in the past. (And I know there are many that are not like this!) She has had such a broad experience, without any undue pressure on grades, taking part in many competitions from sport to debating, community work, DofE, and has worked in paid employment since she was 16. Her social life is an endless whirr of excitement, and her friendship circle is wide & varied, far more than it ever would have been. She got her predicted grades and more at A level, got her 1st choice RG uni, and already has the offer of a graduate training contract, after her first year. So yes we feel it has been money well spent. The financial sacrifice is only money...our mortgage won’t be paid off when we retire...but in the scheme of things, it still seems worth it.
Now with our youngest about to leave primary, we have another dilemma. She is extremely bright & gifted at maths & science, the type of child that could do well anywhere, but even the grammars are a poor comparison with the private schools we have in mind. So here we are again...contemplating a lifetime of debt and a retirement age of 80

And just to add Molmontar...we have never once had tutoring for our daughter at independent school. And it was definitely the exception, not the norm. My nieces & nephews both attended private school. None had tutoring, one made Oxbridge. Not sure where you get that idea from. All my fiends who have kids at state GS, are the ones who are hiring tutors....

And just to add re financial pressure, losing jobs etc....most private schools will do their upmost to help a child in that situation. I know many people who have had problems through divorce/redundancy etc, and none of them had to leave. They all managed to sort something out through bursary scheme etc

I would investigate 6th forms for ds. All are smaller and more focussed and may suit him just as well as his current school. You say 4 years overlap but if ds going into y10 and dd going into y6 that would only be 3 years. And only 1 year if ds found a state 6th form that was suitable.

No one seems to have mentioned Bursaries yet.

So, have you read and enquired about means tested bursary provision at both the schools you are considering for your daughter? These should be detailed somewhere in the Admissions section of their websites.

Obviously neither I nor anyone else here can say whether or not you are likely to get one - or what size of bursary you could be awarded; all of that will depend on each school’s assessment and interpretation of your particular financial circumstances. And on their assessment of whether your daughter is exactly the type of pupil they want to have there right now.

Some schools tie bursaries to success in a scholarship exam - others make a judgement on broader criteria. And all schools receive more applications than they can fund. But bursaries exist to facilitate attendance where it would otherwise be impossible - so you would be sensible to enquire.

invest in after schools activities (both academic & gymnastics wise - for instance) this will be more affordable & still give her more than average support & she wont feel its unfair. What some others have forgotten is your ds has sn & this isn't a comparison between 2 dc for any other reasons - don't forget in private schools many of the extra activites cost & it will affect their holidays & family life. But if she doesn't settle or she doesn't seem to be getting enough from the school there will still be time to move her. But most of all talk to your daughter - be honest with her -

(Ah, was interrupted. I see one poster has mentioned them.)

I think sending one child to private school and not the other is setting them up for a lifetime of hurt and resentment. It's really not fair and the consequences can echo down the years.