Double fees big dilemma

[alexasmith]

DS is in a private school, TBH not as a first choice. He started at state school but DS has SEN needs and they just couldn't cope with it. As a result he had horrific yr 7 and we needed to get him out. The only other school around that we thought would suit better to his needs is a small PS. Now he is there and things have improved significantly.

Our DD is 4yrs younger. She is very bright, very academic and eager to learn and achieve. She is already (at age 10) have clear ambition for higher education and a career in science. She cruises through primary and at the top of her class with all straight top marks.

State seconderys around us are OK but nothing special or with focuse on sicence. We prefer a girls school but they are all co-ed. On the 'Privete' side, there are couple of private girls schools which are exceptionally good and at the top of the leauge tables. The culture of both schools is lovely and well rounded which DD and us all like. School is very academic without being pushy or highly competitive like others we have visited, including the only state selective we can try for with 11+ test (cut throat competition so low chances of getting in anyway and DD was not tutored long enough) and we don't actually like it anyway as the girls are all a bit miserable and stressed out from the competition.

We know that if she gets into one her two top choices, she will be very and do really well. Forgot to say DD also excel at gymnastics and one of them have a good gym team..

Our dilemma is simply fees. We can just about afford one child in PS but with two will have to remorgage our house, get cash out and instead of investing in the well over due renovations (kitchen, bathrooms falling apart) which we were planning to start this year, will need to sacrifice for education, gambling that the private route will get her to where she wants to get in life.

The other issue of course is that she is well aware of her older brother going to a PS and we are worried she will feel disadvantaged, not because she is not at a private school, but rather because she didn't get her prefers choice of school and feel compromised and miss out.

Please help me make sense of this.

@molmontar Yes I agree it is terribly sad. They were furious that she was not allowed to stay, and blamed the school for letting her down. When they were advised she would be better off going to a college rather than pursue an A level academic journey, they were furious! Found a private 6th form that would take her...had to drop and change subjects part way through...like switching English for Media etc...which turned out to be the best grade at a C...and now off to a bottom tier uni somewhere. It is totally crazy, but what can you say? Even more ridiculous, is that they had put their eldest child through a top independent, having tutored him for years to get a place, and the support he had in the school was unbelievable. Extra help for every subject, and managed to garner a good clutch of Bs and Cs, but they warned them that he wouldn’t fare well at A level, and perhaps should consider elsewhere...advice was ignored and his results were poles apart from the gleaming array of grades they usually showcase. It’s a strange world we live in. On one hand we have the parents trying to shoehorn their kids into academic schools they don’t belong, and on the other we have parents who are shunning these schools with children that probably should belong!
Re your NLondon set-up, and the liberal parent power, that all makes sense. The parent power we had at one particular local GS, has seen a remarkable shift in recent years. Used to have a large intake from the surrounding preps, but that seems to be changing. Now lots of out of county state school influx and the demographics are changing.
That parent power impact can never be underestimated!

I am astonished by malmontar and alexasmith 's tales of additional tutoring. What would be the point of paying all that money to then buy extra teaching

The top independent schools in London tutor right the way through. I’ve friends who have had 6 or 7 tutors, I am not joking, for GCSE’s from these schools. If one does it then everyone else feels they need to follow.

On state v private. It’s so normal where I am to have siblings in a mix of good state and private depending on their needs that it’s not even a discussion point. I certainly wouldn’t cripple yourself to pay fees you can’t afford. It’s only a big deal if you make it one. My cousin has one in an excellent state comprehensive and another at a well known boarding school. Both started in independent day schools and moved to what suited them best.

I've known lots of siblings where some are private and some state - if it is explained and discussed openly then there is no problem. Lots of families can't afford to send all to private but one might get a (good) scholarship or have SN.
Have you looked around the local schools? Have you looked at local sixth forms/colleges?

I agree with the "not a big deal" if you are open and honest with your dcs re finances and that you are doing the best you can. It's not always possible to treat children equally, just be honest about your reasoning.

OP where are you based? If you can give us a rough idea (PM if you like) we might be able to give some better insight.

FWIW those i know at independents are NOT tutoring. Those at state have a different tutor every night of the week (which is v good value in the end really vs the fees and their results are usually excellent - which the school then takes credit for).

@amidaiwas thanks. I am in London.
I hear you but I am not convinced a child will have the emotional maturity at this age to make reason of their parents decision, even if you tell them the true and be honest about the family economics.
It's not about honesty and the facts, unfortunately they do see and know the stark differences between state Vs private and it is probably come with a disappointment if they get veted off, even if they have the facts.

@malmontar I went to private and I taught in activate school for a year (both secondary) in neither was tutoring common. I was never tutored, nor my peers. I was unaware of any students being tutored- unless it’s all done hush hush and I was the minority!

A private not activate!

I'm in the South East and know of a lot of Tutoring at private. (There are also a lot not tutored.)

Where does your DD want to go to school?
If you are in London there may be other schools albeit with a commute.

2 possible options.
Look at a state sixth form for your son, he is probably a very different person to year 7 boy and sixth form is also completely different.

Look at a private school that has year 9, aged 13, entry for your daughter. She could then do 5 years so they both get the same.

This way there is no overlap, or you pick 1 of the above it is reduced to 2 years.

Z, it's not a bad idea at all.

My middle sister went to private (on the then government assisted places scheme), the other two of us went to state. Whilst we were a bit mean when she was there (she could be a bit snobby) there was no real ill feeling and going forwards there hasn't been. We have all ended up doing what we wanted to.