Help! DD disquialified from year 10 mocks

[ilikechickentacos]

Name change as usually about my ds.
DD finished her year 10 mocks around last week and was disqualified from 3 different ones (luckily school use multiple exam boards per subject so she wants disqualified from extra) all for basically the same reason. I’ve emailed but no reply what do I do? I’m not happy with her one bit

I do give her attention though
It's more likely she'd want attention from her friends - broken leg = centre of attention, trouble in exams = centre of attention. Some children like to be the class clown or the popular one or the one who winds up the teacher and pushes the boundaries while being egged on by their friends. It was like that in my day (centuries ago) and it will no doubt be just the same in 100 years from now, such is human nature. But she needs to learn to rein it in now because if she carries on when she's at university or in employment the consequences will be greater. And even if she did have ADHD or whatever she still needs to learn.

I think friar has a point.

People can sometimes be quick to say 'it's the parents' but acting up for peers and friends is quite common. Twas ever thus.

During mock exams I have heard:
How little people were revising
Joking about knowing nothing
Speculating if they could dare someone to write formula on their arm
Someone thinking whispering in the exam hall was ok because the exam hadn't started yet despite being told and the signs on the door.
Some students shouting things outside the hall to try and make people laugh in the hall
Turning arouns to make eye contact
At my friends school, some tried to get into a silly coughing game.

All bravado for friends. The reality is none of them would have dared do it in the real thing.

@FriarTuck sure, it might not be ADHD. But equally, it could be. None of us here can possibly know. What we can know is that having a child assessed, to eliminate the possibility, is in her interests.

I was diagnosed inattentive subtype ADHD in my early 40s, and my brother ASD in his 20s. My son was diagnosed ASD at 5. My son's had people around him understand his differences, and what adjustments he needs, as a result. And that's optimal, I'm sure you agree.

And if she has ADHD then saying, "she needs to learn" is, honestly, about as helpful as saying that about an autistic person's different approach to social interaction. If someone can learn in the way a NT person can then they're not over the diagnostic threshold, by definition. An assessment will establish whether or not she needs a different approach, to help her.

The problem with Friar's theory is that there is still a decision making process involved that results in this girl shooting herself in the foot, setting the wrong priorities, and repeating disastrous actions.

To repeat - inappropriate risk taking and disadvantageous decision making are major characteristics of ADHD, and she has shown both of these.

If she is prioritising the entertainment of her peers and getting attention - of any kind - over her own best interests and even over the priority of avoiding physical pain and injury, then this goes beyond mere attention seeking.

There are other elements too in all of this that shout ADHD, that the OP has mentioned - almost failing her DofE because she neglected to hand in her completed paperwork

• buying things impulsively
• not able to deal with silence or boredom (possible sensation seeking)
• she left revision for a series of ten or more exams to the last minute.

In addition Her impulsiveness has been picked up by school multiple times I’ve never taken her To gp etc because never really seen a huge problem like she doesn’t fight or swear at teachers.
She is not a squeaky enough wheel in other words, which is typical for girls with ADD/ADHD. Her behaviour is only harming herself. Apparently her brother is more of a disrupter though this DD chats and shouts out in class.

The OP is convinced from past experience (of how many incidents?) that no amount of consequences or laying down the law will have an effect - no lessons will be learned.

Have to agree with everything math said.

It's not about learning or what drives the behaviour. Its more that the behaviour is putting her in danger yet she can't control it. And it's more than 1 setting.

My ds HATES getting into trouble. This causes him anxiety. The anxiety causes inappropriate behaviours. It's loudness and swearing and self injury. Telling him to rein it in increases anxiety because he doesn't know how.

That doesn't mean I don't set clear boundaries or have expectations - nor that their is no consequences.

It means we have to take a different approach and explain to him how to behave etc because it doesn't come naturally.

The reason why more middle class children get ADHD etc diagnosis are that their parents are more likely to keep making the fuss that makes more "subtle" presentations get the attention they deserve.
It is highly possible that her brother also has a similar issue. Girls tend to be more subtle than boys.

If she is the only (or one of a small group) to be showing this behaviour - then it is not a school wide issue. If she is not generally in trouble, then it is a sign that she is not reading the social cues.

Even badly behaved students usually learn the correct behaviour in exams. If she is not then this is a huge warning sign.

And if she has ADHD then saying, "she needs to learn" is, honestly, about as helpful as saying that about an autistic person's different approach to social interaction.
I do totally understand this and I was half rolling my eyes at myself when I was typing it but what I mean is that some behaviour (with ADHD or autism) you can learn to work round so that it doesn't pose a problem. For instance, I really struggle with going to new places for social events so I'll do lots of planning, I'll do a dry run, I'll work out exactly where I'm going to park etc. If I didn't do this then I'd not be able to do stuff like that and that would impact on my life. If OP's DD finds sitting still and not gazing around an issue then she could work around it, maybe by taking in a small fidget toy or something, but what she can't do is carry on as she is because if she goes to university and does it again she'll find herself out on her ear. A diagnosis isn't going to make everything simple from that point on, trust me, my autism diagnosis might allow me to explain myself but it doesn't magically disappear the issues. By all means work on the assumption she's got it and look (with her) at ways to cope with anything she struggles with, but don't present it to her as a get-out card because it won't do her any good in the long run. Actions have consequences, whatever conditions you do or don't have, and she needs to learn that lesson first.

Op your dd sounds very typical for adhd. Its not a bad thing but she will need help to manage her condition so she can the best out of her life.
I'll also add that no thought I had SEN as I was always classed as a very clever and articulate girl. My teachers thought I wasn't applying myself or being lazy because my spelling was terrible. Despite me having siblings with dyslexia no one considered it for me. I was finally diagnosed at 18 and it has really helped

FriarTuck just because you have "coping strategies" doesn't mean that anyone else could also cope (either with those strategies or others).
My DD has ASD, she has coped with mainstream school and is sitting her GCSEs, that doesn't mean that either she or I could give advice to someone else on how to cope. Some things just aren't an issue for my DD, other things cause her to freak.

And coping strategies usually come with a price.

Honestly , I’m flabbergasted with the amount of late diagnosis’. Obviously I, going take into account of many of your explanations we should pursue a diagnosis but I realise many are based on jumping off the wall. She may just have not expected it to happen again and thought it was rare

Ilikechicken, although our Ds is going through a 'late diagnosis' it is not a surprise to us. I have suspected that he had asd since he was about 8 years old. It certainly was not something that came out of the blue, what changed was his coping mechanisms. You will know your daughter best and if it is something you want to pursue.

OP I hope you’re not going to be offended by this but your posts read like some of the parents I meet professionally who so desperately don’t want to believe something is ‘wrong’ they refuse permission for Ed psych assessments etc...

There is honestly no harm in finding out. If there’s nothing wrong the Ed psych of Dr will tell you that. Nobody on MN can diagnose but we can tell you it does happen and what you’ve posted about your DD is unsual.

I'm sorry, but I'm with AppleKatie on this. It does seem that you are in denial somewhat.

Op
You post about this every few weeks. Same advice every time , sounds like she has adhd, take her to the gp. You ignore it, name change and come back with a slightly different scenario, but basically same story
Not sure what your issues are but this going round in circles really cant be helping your situation.

Thought this sounded familiar ....

Maybe now's a good time to point out that ADHD has a strong genetic element...

It sounds very much like you’ve been so focused on your son’s issues that you’ve ignored what’s going on with your daughter’s behaviour

There are a lot of red flags in what you are saying (clumsiness, impulsivness, unable to distinguish between approptiate and inappropriate behaviour.

Girls mask a lot, it very possible she has an undiagnosed SEN.

My son has walked out of 3 of his year 10 mock (including the one subject he's top of the year in), at least its this year and not (hopefully ) next.

@bruffin what do you mean? This is my first thread posted about my daughter as the others were mostly about my son so I’m not quite sure what you mean if I’m honest?.

There is a poster who every so often posts about a daughter who has issues very like yours. The poster name changes each time. Every time she gets advice to have her child assessed. Every time she ignores that advice. Then she turns up a few weeks later with the same story and the cycle repeats.

Obviously I, going take into account of many of your explanations we should pursue a diagnosis but I realise many are based on jumping off the wall. She may just have not expected it to happen again and thought it was rare

No, most are not based on the repeat of jumping off the wall.

(Though that is an incredibly huge red flag - would the memory of the pain alone not have made her think twice?)

'Inappropriate risk taking' involves all the behaviour you have mentioned, including her behaviour at the exams - they usually read out the rules before getting started, and teachers usually advise about the rules ahead of time, yet she looked around and chuckled. She left studying until quite late. These are just examples you have provided.

'Decision making' involves disregarding all prior experiences when making decisions in the present, not just the broken leg. You mentioned impulsive purchases and other experiences that should have provided lessons but didn't.

You referenced the fact that she never learns from experience, implying that there is more than you have catalogued here (I would like to see examples of experiences she has not learned from that you base this conclusion on).

Don't worry, OP.
I'm an Exam Officer and I disqualify students from mocks all the time. It's to put the absolute fear into them of how important the GCSEs are.

I conduct the mocks the same as the real ones to educate the students on the procedures and rules of how an exam must be carried out.

Do the school a favour and back them up on this, but don't panic as the actual boards won't care - just ensure DD learns her lesson so she doesn't mess up when it matters

"Ay, there's the rub...."