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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Why do people openly criticise decisions to send your kids to a private school?

999 replies

scotmum1977 · 26/12/2018 16:01

I sent my Son to a private school (Glasgow) last year for various reasons and it's working out really well. There is the cost but we just do without expensive holidays etc. I can't think of a better gift for my children than a good education. I was so surprised at how offended people get when they ask which school he attends. They think it's ok to criticise you openly and make bitchy comments here and there. Surely how you spend your own money is your own business. Anyone else have this experience?

OP posts:
Mistressiggi · 31/12/2018 16:17

Have just interrogated ds about this and he doesn’t know anyone who has music lessons (on an instrument), and says/claims to have never heard anything about this in school. They may be free but they can’t be available to all - he did do recorder class lessons for a bit so maybe a few were selected from that? I don’t think they can just start them in secondary that wouldn’t make sense.

flossietoot · 31/12/2018 16:21

Some schools are known for being really good for music lessons- Flora Stevens in Edinburgh for example, not sure how it works exactly. This school is however in a very affluent catchment with many kids leaving to go to private, or on to the other very good state secondary.

RomanyRoots · 31/12/2018 16:24

We have friends at St Mary's in Edinburgh, never been though, hoping to make an open day with friends.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 31/12/2018 16:26

what way is it better to judge your peers on what trainers they wear than on what school they go to

Trainers don’t really tend to be linked to structural inequality. It’s comparing apples and oranges.

BertrandRussell · 31/12/2018 16:26

“I still maintain it's down to the parents to seek what they can, don't rely on a school or LA to tell you of opportunities, because they won't.“
So more privilege for privileged already/middle class/children with aware, switched on, non chaotic, educated parents.

Fifthtimelucky · 31/12/2018 16:29

@Mistressiggi: if you check with your school, you may well find that they offer instrumental lessons, but just don't advertise the fact. If they don't, ask them why not and suggest that they contact the local music education hub.

Fifthtimelucky · 31/12/2018 16:31

Should have said that music education hubs are in England only.

flossietoot · 31/12/2018 16:31

Yes. There are significant barriers to children accessing even ‘free’ services

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 31/12/2018 16:32

“So more privilege for privileged already/middle class/children with aware, switched on, non chaotic, educated parents.“

Exactly. I think some people just can’t understand that not everyone is born to people who are able to inform themselves, or who have the time/education/confidence.

I laugh when I see parents here sorting stuff out for their kids at university. My parents would have been hard-pressed to tell you what course I was doing, let alone being in touch with my tutors.

Of course it all gets far easier when you’re educated yourself. I’ll be able to support my daughter much more than they could support me. But that doesn’t mean I have to step on the heads of all the people who still struggle.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 31/12/2018 16:35

“If they don't, ask them why not and suggest that they contact the local music education hub.”

I don’t think you get the structural differences that mean many working class parents can’t/won’t do such things.

My mother would die before she asked for something not offered. She baulks at my husband and I asking to be moved to a different hotel room or asking for items to be exchanged etc. When you’ve been brought up to put up or shut up, that’s not an easy thing to escape (it’s only at almost 40 that I am able to ask for what I want.)

BertrandRussell · 31/12/2018 16:37

Just had a look at the Flora Stephens/Edinburgh Music School website. Looks fantastic. However, it expects a lot of parents and this sprang out at me “On the other hand it would be unrealistic to consider seriously an S4 or S5 student who is not already well on the way to the technical accomplishment expected by one of our major colleges of music.”

So, once again, outside lessons are pretty much expected for a chance to get in.

Mistressiggi · 31/12/2018 16:39

Thank you, we don’t have hubs here but I might ask via the parent council. Though a bit late for ds1, who uses all his latent talent in the arena of Fortnite these days.

flossietoot · 31/12/2018 16:39

Yes- there is a often an underlying fear/bizarre trust in ‘professionals’ that means some disadvantaged just say nothing/ take everything they are told at their word.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 31/12/2018 16:42

flossie my mother is terrified of anyone she deem ‘above’ her - this includes waiters in restaurants, people in the bank etc.

She never stands up for herself and if she does, it’s like she has to really steel herself and then becomes hyper aggressive.

No notion of just asking for what she wants/needs.

BertrandRussell · 31/12/2018 16:44

“Yes- there is a often an underlying fear/bizarre trust in ‘professionals’ ”

Yep. Totally bizarre. Can’t understand it. It’s not as if we’ve got a depressingly antiquated class structure or a hideously divisive education system or anything.....

flossietoot · 31/12/2018 16:46

Sorry- shouldn’t have said ‘bizarre’, I just meant it shouldn’t be like that and I do understand the reasons why.

OhTheRoses · 31/12/2018 16:51

Judgement tends to take place in relation to what is economically achievable though. The faint smugness over the boy who is offered St. Pauls, rather than St Benedicts at one level; and the importance of having well turned out children in the "right" brands at another which translates into trainers and i-phones and the right bag. Oh the threads on Mnet about the school bag have always bemused me. Mine have never cared a hoot about the bag.

Drill further down the levels of deprivation to inner city estates and drug dealers. The dealers cruise in their "smart" cars and flash "expensive" watches, clearly better off than the children who live there. This then becomes an aspiration for those children who feel they have no other options and fuels the gang cultures and problems that brings.

SteakPie · 31/12/2018 17:10

We seemed to have moved on from the school orchestra or LA ensemble here..

dailyshite · 31/12/2018 17:21

I have just remembered that my own experience of working at a university, is that the students who come from private schools often struggle when engaging with their peers and their patients because they are suddenly exposed to a life which is totally alien to them.

I think that they travelled off (maybe thinking it was going to be like call the midwife Wink) and when they arrived it was a genuine shock to find out that not everyone lives the life they were familiar with. Lovely people who were very caring but no idea what to say to someone who is buying hooky fags off a friend of a friend or is totally blindsided by the living conditions of some of our patients. They get there in the end but it is a huge learning curve for them.

RomanyRoots · 31/12/2018 17:22

Iam

Of course parents can be a barrier to children accessing a good education, but most parents wc or middle are concerned with their education.
Just because some can't be bothered doesn't mean the services don't exist or are not available to those without money.
Our music, dance and sport schools/ organisations prove this.
You might have to put yourselves out a bit, you may have to wave them off for weeks at a time.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 31/12/2018 17:25

romany again, it is about structural differences.

Yes the parents have to put themselves out - many are unwilling/unable to do that. Many. Not 1 or 2% but whole communities.

I’m sorry that you are unable to understand or comprehend that.

OhTheRoses · 31/12/2018 17:28

Nothing I like better than giving an arrogant medic, who has just addressed me by my first name whilst introducing him or herself as Dr or Mr somebody or the other, the look and suggesting they call me Mrs Roses unless they would like me to use their first name. Usually they are in their 40s so regardless of class should have learnt at med school that it is preferable to behave towards everyone in a respectful manner.

I really don't think the point you are making has anything to do with being privately educated or not. And I don't think the nurse I once told to take the gum out of her mouth was privately educated either.

dailyshite · 31/12/2018 17:33

@OhTheRoses

I'm not sure if that post was directed at me?

riceuten · 31/12/2018 17:33

I (personally) think private schools are ridiculous, pathetic, and awful. I went to one myself, btw

However, anyone's decision to send their children their is their own, and I would never, ever criticise a friend or acquaintance for doing so. I don't know their reasons or circumstances, and it is completely their choice.

What I HAVE had though was someone I knew who told me that if you could afford to send you child to a private school and didn't (or didn't pay for a tutor and send them to a grammar school), it was tantamount to child abuse. I fully reserve the right to pick someone up for this.

RomanyRoots · 31/12/2018 17:37

Iam

Of course I can understand that, my dd has a friend in a state school, she's a whizz at maths, her parents are encouraging her to be a hairdresser, nothing wrong with this, but the child could be in a programme for advanced maths, which is offered practically on her door step.
It doesn't alter the fact that the service is available. Plenty of other people from the same community have taken the opportunity.