Boarding school - is it normal?

[happylilac]

DS has just started boarding school. He enjoyed the trial and loved every minute of it. I was particularly worried about food but it sounded nutritious, yummy and frequent enough. DS was very happy and didn't feel hungry at all during the stay.

Now two months have passed, he tells me different stories. He says the cafe opens as frequent as before (5 times a day), but not much food/choice for snacking, and meals aren't filling neither. The dinner is at 6.30 pm and light off is 9.30 pm. He feels hungry through a day and absolutely starving by the time he goes to bed. They serve brunch on Sundays and because brunch means late breakfast/early lunch, pupils are allowed to eat only once, then no food until afternoon tea (again not much food/choice). DS also says he often feels cold during night.

Luckily DS is a weekly boarder so he doesn't starve at weekend. I pack a lot of food and snacks but choice is limited as they have to be something that can last without fridge. I've already asked school if he could have an extra duvet or could bring a blanket from home and am waiting for their reply.

Apparently older DCs told DS that the school doesn't have enough money to cater plenty food. But its higher end of fees compared with other boarding schools doesn't back up the claim. DS thinks it's because of the ongoing massive refurbishing projects so it'll be a temporary situation... The education they provide is superb. So their higher fees could be more to do with maintaining the quality teaching staff?

Does it sound normal? Any thoughts? Also, any advice on food from home would be greatly appreciated! I pack biscuits, cereal bars, bread sticks, brioches, but I need more varieties...

He's cold AND hungry. Him taking that to hm is more than many could do. I would need to step in and make sure its properly managed. Tuck is only extra s. You cannot make up proper meals with energy bars and crisps and tuck stuff like cakes and so on.
Does he have kitchen access in-house?

No, I don't find it's odd that he doesn't wear what he has been provided, Shriek. He isn't very practical sometimes. He came back with lots of clean clothes with only few wet and dirty clothes from school camps (at previous school). He often doesn't wear gloves even though they are in his pocket, and later complains his hands are cold. I thought it was fairly common in boys but sensing how concerns you are it may not be as common as I thought it would be.

He shares his room with another boy. They often chat till late which I tell him not to do. But they can't stop chatting. They are getting on fine.

There is a shared kitchen in the house, but I don't know what's available and what he can do there. I'm going to find out that tonight. And also i like to visit their meal times.

I went ot boarding school, as did my brothers, and there was ALWAYS stacks of bread and butter on the table to fill up on.
So, breakfast, something cooked, plus as much toast as you can eat
Lunch loads of seconds of potato etc
afternoon tea, cake plus as much bread butter and jam as you wanted and so on.

But even so, my eldest brother was rowing and he then went to the chippy and ate a huge portion of chips/fish and chips most nights about one hour after dinner. He also grew 7 inches in one year and just could not eat enough calories, stick insect thin.

I have a 15 year old, tall and thin, and he will eat 3 meals (vast quantities of cereal for breakfast, school lunch, cooked dinner at home) and he takes 2 ham rolls in for snack, plus cake when he gets home from school, and he then at 10 pm cooks himself something, or eats about 4 pieces of toast.

Teeenage boys can need huge amount. But you shouldn't have to be providing all that through tuck, school needs to be providing fill up food - toast!

Just spoken to my 'boarder', who confirms was loads of food. But has sat and done prep wrapped in duvet/blanket,as freezing cold. This was the old buildings, as heating was on. Same in summer, had to all sleep downstairs to keep cool.

How old is he OP?

8? 11? 13? 16?

@user19991999 horrible experience for you, totally crap and completely understand why you never want to be part of it again. Lots don't just blindly send their DC off to board its an educational/experiential decision. There was an interesting thread about this recently canvassing views on the pros and cons. Sadly though, it seems many wouldn't dream of sending their DC anywhere else, lord only knowa what would happen to them, to paraphrase one pp [on that thread]

user19991999, very sorry for what happened to you. It sounds so horrible. I often wonder if and why the parents didn't know the condition their DCs were in every time I hear this kind of stories. There would have been many ways to find out if they had slightest interest in that. Or are you from a family with boarding school culture so sending DCs away was a norm without question? I hope your health hasn't been affected mentally and physically from the experience and that you are well and happy now.

Just to update.

DS came back home on Monday (yesterday) and he'll go back to school on Wednesday (nothing to do with the issue, he just has to be at home tomorrow). I asked him if he managed to ask HM about extra bedding but as I expected he forgot.. Then I got a reply from HM to my initial email and he let us know that he'd put another duvet in DS's room so when DS's back on Wednesday it would be there. He also answered to a few more requests I made - I asked to fix a few items in DS's room, etc.

I also discussed about the food and coldness with DS last night just to get more precise accounts.

Coldness:
The boarding house is usually warm enough but he had a few nights he felt cold (nor freezing but chilly) but heater was on in his room and now he thinks it may have been due to the window kept opened. He said he wouldn't need to take onesie as he doesn't really like wearing a lot when he sleeps. He will see how it goes with extra duvet. I also reminded him he has the comfy night socks and fluffy jumbo gown if he needs to wrap himself up. I doubt he would use them, but at least he knows the option.

Food:
Breakfast - warm and cold meals including usual cereal and toast, fresh fruit juices, tea and coffee.
Snack 1 - breads and sweet pasties and fruits
Lunch - warm dish, salad bar, fruits and pudding
Snack 2 - breads and sweet pasties and fruits
Dinner - warm dish, salad bar, fruits and pudding

He didn't know if second and third were available. At first he said 'no'. But then said actually he wasn't sure. He thought not allowed but it's just because he hadn't needed so hadn't tried.

Breads, cereal, milk and some spreads are available in the house's kitchen. He isn't sure what else would be available. He basically lives in the communal room in the house where all the games are available so hasn't really explored the kitchen. The kitchen is available up until 9.15 pm.

I pointed that sounded plenty. I also pointed he wouldn't have constantly snacking through a day if he had gone to a day school, and anyway he didn't at previous school, so I wondered why he would feel he would need significant amount of food other than a bit of treats and just in case cereal bars to bring from home. He said he wouldn't have mid-morning/afternoon snack very often as he wasn't very keen on the food available. He usually eat banana, that's it. But I also know it's because he would rather like to play than going to the cafe. I think he likes the convenience to keep food in his room, so he can grab and go. He also feels it's too much trouble to go to the kitchen and make nice snack, even as simple as a toast or hot choc! He doesn't want to lose any second of his play time....

We discussed how he could make most of the things provided by school to maximise his healthy diet that can also be enjoyable (rather than just pushing something in to fill the stomach). For instance, what kind of spread makes him fancy eating (and making) a toast? How he could make his favourite snacks by using microwave and kettle? We listed all. He has a day at home today so we'll go shopping together and he'll take them to school on Wednesday. I think he needs to try and test a few things and eventually he'll find a good system to maintain a happy balance of healthy diet/pleasure/convenience.

I am still going to have a look at their food options and also will check the house's kitchen just to see what else is available so I can make more suggestion to add some varieties in his diet at school.

The school sounds fine. It seems to be your son who is the key to all of this. You haven't said how old he is.

He sounds woefully unprepared for boarding. Is this his first time as a boarder? He sounds 8 years old, TBH, so very young to suddenly have to take full responsibility for himself.

He said 2-3 out 5 he doesn't like their meals. For instance, he had chicken yesterday. It was too spicy for his taste so he had only one bite, and ate loads of cucumbers instead.

His favourite meals at home are sushi, Korean BBQ, barbecued macherel, hamburg dipped in home-made demiglace sauce, breaded pork cutlet with Japanese dark sauce, and his favourite mid-day snacks are home-made banana milk and strawberries/choc sauce pancakes. Basically totally different from what would be available at school.

Looking back now, he didn't eat much of school dinner at his previous school. But then many DCs didn't and they were always so hungry by the time they were picked up. Also, we don't normally have a problem for eating-out, even aboard. So I didn't think he was that fussy. But he may be fussier than I thought! He gets all his favourite food and snacks at weekends and during rather long school holidays. So I am hoping he'll try different taste from my cooking and hopefully he'll get less fussier and can start enjoying a wider variety of foods.

At least DS has a few absolute favourites at school so it's not that the chef is doing a bad job (unlike his previous school's - no one liked their meals...).

AgathaRaisinDetra, yes it's his first time. We are not a boarding family. I think we, as a family, haven't been prepared 100% for this challenge. School, especially HM, has been great though, so we are taking things one day at a time. I mentioned only what I'm concerned about on this thread so he may sound very immature but he's doing well in other areas. he isn't practical tough. Well, he's working on that side every day.

Luckily he has a choice to be a day pupil so we will see how things go.

IME it’s not uncommon for those starting boarding to be disorganised and rush/skip meals. Are they supervised at meal times by a matron or other house staff? Im only familiar with prep school boarding going to yr 8 and senior boarding schools starting in yr 9 children in prep schools are usually supervised by teachers eating at their tables so hopefully watching how much is eaten and some senior schools matrons supervise younger children to ensure they’re eating and know the ropes. Having said this at senior schools I used to see children who had felt faint during games who then admitted they’d not eaten all day, when asked why they said they missed breakfast because they took to long to get dressed, mid morning snack because they were playing with their mates and only ate 1/3 of their lunch because they were rushing to get to get back to house. We used to pair the disorganised with the organised or make sure that a group we knew were going to the dinning room and eating took those who weren’t. Some children also eat very slowly and leave food because their friends have eaten and are rushing back to house again a quiet word with a few of these asking them to wait 5 mins can help. Matrons also often eat in the same dinning and will if asked keep an eye on what’s going on. Your DS obviously flexi boards perhaps he’s not yet got used to boarding life; seconds are usually available, bread salad etc are usually unlimited and even seconds or thirds. Finally from reading your description of the food you eat at home you’re right it is totally different from your average boarding school can you encourage him to be more adventurous? Talk to the house matron in most boarding schools extra duvets etc and concerns about eating or not are addressed by them rather than house masters as this is their job and she should also be in a better position to assist your DS with food rather than a housemaster who’s juggling hundreds of other things.

If there's a choice to be a day pupil why on earth are you putting him through boarding ? One hot meal choice is shockingly bad, salad bar - it's winter! They need hot food, choices not just take it or leave it and eat cucumber ffs!

Heater in room - sounds potentially dangerous depending on what type of heater it is

It sounds like he needs support and he's not getting it - HM is a person looking after many children - and it shows from your post - I don't recall you telling us his age, from then treatment at school I'd guess 15-16 if he's younger than that I'd be worried as a parent

Agree re generally contacting the house matron re 'domestic' issues, rather than the Housemaster (though great to hear the HM has sorted out a second duvet). The 'mum' people are, IME, spectacularly good at anything involving the children's essential needs.

can you encourage him to be more adventurous?
Yes, I am doing this and am hopeful on this.

I was introduced to HM as a person who would be the first contact and as a person who looks after DCs in the house. There are a few more staff working for him, but i usually talk to HM. He lives in the same house and very close to the boys.

There are many reasons why DS is boarding which I didn't like to go into the details. What I could say is DS knows he could be a day but it's him who wants to board. Anyway, even if he becomes a day pupil he will have meals at school as their day is so long. So it's good to work on the food issue and keep encouraging to try and be adventurous.

The heater is radiator.

What I understand is Y6 and under are watched more closely, re, eating and general things. DS is older than that so I think he isn't watched as much as those younger ones. But I may be wrong. I'll check with HM (again, he is my first contact...).

DS was paired with a boy who joined earlier than DS (but the same age) at the beginning and he showed DS around the school.

Also, he isn't a flexi-boarder but a weekly boarder. School doesn't do flexi-boarding (would have been great if they did). Today is just an exception that he's at home.

I’m surprised there’s no matron either living in the house or only there in the day time. HM”s are extraordinarily busy especislly if they are teaching a lot as well which most are so practical details like bedding and eating are often usually left to matrons.
You mention in your original OP that someone told your DS that lack of money is affecting the type and amount of food offered, no matrons is also an indication of this, you could look the schools accounts up on line. We were sent out the schools accounts every year in the annual report. Despite charging one of the highest fees in the UK, with no pupil vacancies they were not making millions of pounds in surplus every year. Boarding schools are very expensive to run. I know other big name boarding schools who on the surface appear to be very successful are in reality struggling financially and making cuts.

HM lives in the house and so do more other staff. The ratio of staff and pupils is incredibly high. Most of staff including teachers eat together with children. It's a tiny school.

Will check their school's account. Thanks for the pointer.

In boarding schools with communal dinning rooms it’s the norm for staff teachers matrons cleaners admin staff etc to eat in the same dinning as the staff and for teaching staff to live in the house. Staff to pupil ratio should be high at DS2 school there was 1 teacher for every 7 boys.
Is anyone keeping an a bit of an eye on how much your DS is actually eating?
Smaller boarding school may offer less choice at meal times as its just not financially viable to offer 3-4 different choices.
It’s also not uncommon for children to moan about food it is mass catering although I once worked in a boarding school where the food really was amazing (Im a bit of a foodie) a big school 5-6 choices at every meal, nicely presented fresh and very tasty the kids still moaned and couldn’t wait to go to the local shop to fill up on junk food!

I'll check if anyone is keeping an eye on how much DS is eating. DS appears confident and actually he is quite out-spoken so their recent feedback was he's doing fine and knew where to go when he needed a help. They may not be watching so closely if DS appears to be like that. I don't think DCs at day school will be watched what they eat through a day no matter how long their day is, unless there are some concerns in particular pupils. So I do feel it's more of our responsibility to keep his eating habit on track and educate him how to maintain his well-being in general, with appropriate help of the school.

There are a few hot/cold meal choices including vegetarian so the school seems to be doing fine for the size. But as I said, I would go and see their lunch/dinner. I agree kids tend to moan about food no matter how good they are.

I've read most of the thread, apologies if I'm repeating a pp. Sometimes my Kids would complain about something as a way of getting something they wanted, without seeming greedy or acquisitive.

I'm hungry could mean can I have an extra tenner a week to order a takeaway like a group of the other boarders, or will you buy we a box of Twixes like Jack has. Being cold could have translated into having a specific pair of popular PJs or a furry throw or a slanket. I don't know why, I'd have got them what they needed/wanted anyway!

Maybe it's worth asking what the other boys have to help if they're cold or hungry and see if he has already got some solutions in mind.