GCSEs 2018 (14): the aftermath

[mmzz]

Following on from www.mumsnet.com/Talk/secondary/3275972-GCSEs-2018-13-Untwisting-our-knickers-lucky-for-some

Mmzz I don’t have year 11 boy but I do have a quote from a talent manager at a large manufacturer speaking to new apprentices

“If it’s not welcome, it’s not banter.”

Banter is two way and both parties enjoy it.

It does sound like this boy likes to have a dig but the wider group are trying to handle him by batting away comments and ignoring.

I hope your DS gets where he wants to be so that he has more choices and peers are more mature.

mmzz - I'm not a DM of a DS but I would say that your DS is now of an age where you need to let him deal with any friendship issues ...its hard being a parent when you think there is underlying bullying but this maybe general banter and it seems that the group seem to keep the aggressive member in check (from what you posted).

DD has been bullied extensively over the years (and I worried myself to sleep on lots of occasions). I think she is mature enough to handle things now and in fact she plays the peacemaker most of the time now....because she can see both sides of conflict and has a pretty balanced view on life (except when she has a period).

Sometimes when kids are bullied you see this reflected in other ways like poor results (e,g, failing exams) but your DS seems to have not let any of this affect him so I would not highlight an issue that doesnt seem to bother him unless he shows any other signs that he is not happy.

Dd hasnt found her tribe either ...but she's learning valuable life skills dealing with an interesting friendship group where you have Alpha females, a few sheep and anything in-between.

mmzz DS2's friends aren't like that, but the boys in DS3's year say/message that sort of thing. Those kind of comments are quite immature, and more of a Y9/Y10 thing in my experience.

DS1 found that there was a big reduction in that sort of behaviour once they started Y12, as they want to be seen as adults.

mmzz, from what I've heard about young people's social media experience and behaviour I think what your DS received was reasonably mild/ normal.
But it is shocking how they talk to one another isn't it? And how quick to exclude people. I think it's very sad and regrettable and society should do more, including in schools, to teach better attitudes - we all should make this aspect of raising children a higher priority.
I hope your DS is able to go to the school he's hoping for for sixth form, especially if it will help with these sort of issues for him.
In fact good luck to everyone here on that front!
Hope your DS has a lovely prom night farang DS's friend just went to prom and then came back and watched the football. Just going to the thing itself is enough for some people, not everyone wants to make it a marathon!

Even if it was bullying, rather than immaturity, I wouldn't do anything unless DS goes back there in September. Even then, it wouldn't be speaking to the school and I'm not sure what I could helpfully say to DS. I suspect him knowing that I've seen it would be more damaging than any advice I could offer when his friend options are limited.
(DS describes these for boys as his mates).
I was only posting for my peace of mind. Mainly, I'm a bit upset that the ugly rumour that the bully had people saying about DS is still going - that's 5 years after the bully started it when I doubt any of them even knew the meaning of the words.

mmzz - DS is 15, dyslexic, and often on the periphery of his social group. I have seen the 'banter' between them a few times on private chat groups and I have to say some of it left me a bit . DS just doesn't 'get' a lot of jokes due to his slow processing and I know he gets teased about this ("Mr Slow" etc) which is heartbreaking but he seems to give as good as he gets, and it seems that they all have their Achilles heels which are targeted, one way or another. If there are one or two of your DS's friends supporting him that's a good thing. Sadly, at this stage, many geeky DSs would rather have slightly dubious friends than no friends at all. I think this is the worst age to be honest and they do grow out of it.

Interestingly, DS's chosen line of self-defence seems to be to guilt them by saying things like "yeah, kick a disabled man when he's down , won't you?" as dyslexia is technically classed as a disability. This seems to stop them in their tracks.

I've been out to eat with DD tonight (building up sustenance before add maths) and had a prom update. Three of the girls she is friends with are sharing a classic car to prom and another is going with her boyfriend. DD is sharing a table with them & hopes to get there early enough to get in photos with them. They have all been invited to an after prom party except DD, possibly because the host is good friends with one of the gaggle who were so vile to her a few months ago. I'm going to take me myself, then pick her and another uninvited friend up at the end of the evening. It doesn't get any easier, does It?

My DS1 was on the receiving end of that sort of thing a lot. And they did exclude him from the chat. Nasty. He escaped them by changing sixth form. Actually, some of them also moved to his new sixth form, but DS1 made new better friends.

mmzz - just to add, DCs use lots of words these days in a way we never would - "gay" is one such word. I genuinely don't think they are homophobic, but privately would throw out "god, you're so gay" for all manner of things.
Other questionable things I've seen: "you paed..." for a photo with a young cousin.
Teenagers can be horrible. Perhaps we were too, but can't remember!

Eek! Prom stress today.

Dd tried everything on tonight and the dress is decidedly tighter than it was 3 weeks ago

It did up but it's pulling a bit and not that comfortable.

Five weeks of sitting revising and only moving for a snack has clearly taken its toll. She has definitely put on weight. I'm not too worried generally because I think once she gets back to normal life it will sort itself out but don't know what to do about the dress.

If it was me I'd go for 5 days of cabbage soup and be ok. She doesn't finish exams until Thursday and plans 2 full days of revision this week. She has been invited to a special late finishers Chinese on Thursday and has plans on Friday. Prom is on Saturday.

I can't bear the thought of her going on a crash diet. I'm not sure she will be able to anyway while revising. She's a size 8/10 and has never had to think about restricting her food before. It's probably too late to get the dress altered.

Any (safe) suggestions?

I like to think I wasn't a horrible teen but I remember boys throwing words like 'flid' around as an insult, and I for one, didn't know it referred to thalidomide victims.

DS seems fine. Happy, even. So I guess he's not bothered.
I am but if this is normal then I'm going to file it away under "what is it with teenage boys"

Is it tight all over or one particular area? Have you got a branch of John Lewis nearby? A wonderful lady in the lingerie dept rescued DD yesterday by completely changing her shape with a proper fitting of a strapless bra. She told me that Spanx etc can rescue most snug situations.

Special seems to be a particular insult for this generation. It's funny how good intentions can just result in providing teenage boys an easy catch-all term.
It wasn't that, though.

kick a fast water-weight loss would be my choice. Not a good idea to be at risk of busting a seam.
Spanx is another option. Just make the extra inch spread out a little.

Sticker we could get there Saturday morning. Or I might buy some online to try on at home. It's round the tummy mainly. Spanx is a good idea. Do they really work? I think I might venture onto s&b!

Spanx really work. Unfortunately I know this.

Mmzz I don't have a DS but I've seen a fair few "group chats" of mixed girls and boys over the past few years (DD2 is a sharer!) and that is how they seem to speak to each other unfortunately. Good that a couple of the others weren't putting up with it and seem to have you DS's back - but seriously, I'll have everything crossed that he can escape to his new 6th form and make some decent friends.

I've barely seen DD since she finished on Friday - she's been in a social whirlwind of parties and sleepovers. She's at another one tonight. Is it weird that I'm starting to miss the revision sessions?
Oh well, at least I have Love Island for company!

@mmzz - I'm afraid that the online chat amongst teenage boys is not nice. I've seen a bit of it and really didn't like it. The insults are quite offensive (to me) but in DS1's group are distributed pretty equally, I would only be concerned if the insults were all directed at one person. Is that how it was for your DS?

I do think, however, that if my parents had overheard my conversations with friends they would not have been impressed. For our DC social media are those conversations, the difference is that it's written down.

Stickerrocks . It doesnt get any easier but these situations do hopefully add life skills to our DC's even though we wish they didnt have to go through them...

DD's friendship group held a party about 12 months ago for the girls that didnt get invited to parties ..

I'm thankful that one brave girl has persuaded her parents to hold an after party for the whole cohort (although the HOY had encouraged this to happen).

And of course the ones who are invited don't realise that others are left out, which makes things even more awkward.

Spanx: not had the pleasure, but I believe the thing to do is to go to JL and try on their samples as I don't think you can return them if you buy online. It's the equivalent of one of those popup tents people buy for festivals. Once they are out of the bag, they will never go back in again.

Article in the Telegraph today

Once they are out of the bag, they will never go back in again

Rather like my body when I remove the spanx half-way through the evening to have a wee after a couple of glasses of wine

The Telegraph article seems like old news to those of us in the thick of it. And the bit about science is strangely worded. It should say 'Everyone must take either double science (mix of chem, physics and biology) or single sciences, and there's no single core science GCSE' (mix of the 3)

If they can't get that right...

And the grades would only be a lottery if the examiners were inconsistent (which might be true!)