'Hands Off' GCSE Mothers

[AlwaysHungryAlwaysTired]

DS1 is taking GCSEs this summer and, while reading mumsnet posts and worrying internally that he is not doing what everyone else's DCs seems to be doing in terms of revision, extra-curricular activities and all round brilliance/dedication, I am more or less completely leaving him to get on with it himself. Which, at the moment, means he doesn't seem to be doing anything much study-wise outside of school hours.

Please tell me there are others out there doing the same? I can't take any more hearing that children have been revising for two hours a night since December!! Overall I trust that DS1 will be ok doing it alone, but have moments of doubt frequently that I am not involved enough. How do we know how much is the right amount to parent in these years when they are becoming adults?!

And how come DH never seems to worry about any of this?!

The only pushing I do is actually towards taking a break, going out, doing sport, reading for pleasure or watching something together. My insistence on him going for a quick run round the block is legendary and a source of much jest.

I have to say, I started this thread hoping to hear from like-minded 'Hands Off' parents so that we could reassure each other, not to provide another platform for parents to broadcast how many hours of revision their children are doing. Any chance we could stick to reassuring ourselves and each other and try to avoid mentioning revision timetables and how many hours each evening/weekend is the right amount???

DD's revision policy is 'I'd better not sign up for any more drama rehearsals till after the exams.'

Although this frees up a good six hours a week, I'm not sure it means she does more revision, just more flaking out of the bed humming 'Thank goodness I don't have a rehearsal tonight!'

My parents weren't involved in my school work and revision (or career advice) and I did fine but could have done better. I would have chosen a different career pathway (and take the A levels to facilitate that, followed by the appropriate degree) with better guidance. I am not putting that on them - they were working class, educated up to 16 years old in the 40's / 50's and weren't in a position to guide me. I guess that's why I get a bit involved (as far as they will let me) with my dc's academic stuff now - because I've got a bit more of a clue that my parents did

on the bed, even.

hmc - I understand how you feel regarding the main GCSE thread. It’s proved very useful for resources, but I don’t post there anymore because it began to feel like a competition.

Toffee - the times I’ve listed are just the periods during the day when DD will do some study. They’re not rigid in any way and she often starts later, finishes earlier, misses a day, just does her homework.

But, by having a timetable, she can easily plan when to do her study/homework and also see the downtime that she needs. Add to that, she studies on one weekend day, with the other spent chilling out in whatever way she chooses. Two evenings a week are spent at the gym, with no study other than a quick check of whatever homework may be due in.

It’s really a very fluid arrangement, which is why it’s working for her. I’m the first to say that there’s more to life than study and I encourage her to balance it as best she can.

It’s a sensible approach. It is down to them to guide themselves through this, but my DD likes having my support because it reassures her. I’m very conscious of letting her lead the way however.

Oh sorry AlwaysHungry thought this was discussion. I'll start again:

I think all dc should 100% be left to their own devices. This is entirely okay. What will be will be. Timetables etc are irrelevant. A parent should keep their beak out.....one solution fits all dc (i.e. leave them to it) and all will be well.

Apologies OP, if my posts haven’t met your criteria.

I shall bow out and leave you to it.

alwayshungry, one thing is to be "hands-off" and another is "my child is doing no revision". One does not necessarily imply the other. I'm very hands off at the moment but I can't say he's not studying. So do you want to talk about being "hands off" or about "no hours being put here"?

*Always
*
I think it depends a lot on the dcs though.

Its easy to be hands off if your dcs are doing well. If one of mine had poor feedback from school and was gaming all night I'm sure I'd get involved. I can see that if a dc has a learning difficulty or other issue it would be natural and right to help. I certainly wouldn't judge other parents as everyone is doing their best in their own circumstances.

However, if a dc with no particular difficulties gets used to tons of support, will they not feel quite overwhelmed at uni where there is not going to be support at home?

Dc2 had quite a few 100% in his A level mocks recently, so who am I to tell him he shouldn't be sleeping for hours in the evening if that's what works for him?

I'm not sure if it's being 'hands off' which has made mine quite independent, or if they are just like that and I've responded to how they are. It certainly makes for a peaceful house!

There was a study once (I am paraphrasing-in case the PhD psychologists are out) which had people asked to complete puzzles. They then repeated the test but told one group they'd get paid for it and another who weren't paid. The ones doing it for 'fun' stick with the task for longer and enjoyed it more. So telling someone to study could be counterproductive. Intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation.

A bit like 'eat your veg, then you can have pudding'...it implies that the veg is unpleasant or worthy, when it is just veg. Studying doesn't have to be painful, if the subject is interesting and the dc has picked it, it might even be fun, or at least neutral.

It is nice to talk about these things as the minute your dcs do well people presume they are being pressured, but no one knows what goes on in other people's families.

Hiding we sound very similar in our approaches. I am of the mind that dd clearly wants to do well and I will support her as needed, but she ultimately calls the shot and when she has had enough, then that's her choice which I respect. My dd has anxiety and also finds my support reassuring

DS quit football this year because he wanted to concentrate on his exams. I think it was more that he was fed up with the 9am kick offs as we hardly see him before 11am

AlwaysHungry I think we are doing fine and it is normal to have these doubts of should I do more. Our kids know the importance of revising and that they have our support. As long as their teachers don't flag up any problems we just have to trust them.

Not at all, hiding and drummersmum, I shall willingly leave this thread to become another GCSE thread. No problem. Best of luck to you and all your DCs.

My DD is in Y10 but I'm watching with interest as I'm very hands off about her schoolwork.

She's fiercely stubborn independent and does best at most things when given resources and information then left to get on with it (with the knowledge that we are around if she needs help) so that's my approach to GCSEs too.

I am sure some posters on here would consider me a shit lazy parent too But frankly I give no fucks. I have a younger child with additional needs and have no spare energy for arguing with a teenager. She generally does well, she could definitely try harder and do outstandingly but Im not about to force and nag her into it. Our relationship is what I prioritise. When she wants to do well at something she does, and I'm mostly just trying hard to encourage her to see the value of decent GCSE results.

This is why I would never discuss this area in real life. Everyone is wanting the best for their dcs and there's many ways to crack an egg. And everyone's eggs are different.

My eldest was very anxious over exams, number 2 spectacularly confident, number 3 laid back.

'Hands off' can look neglectful to the untrained eye. Easier to get away without judgement from others if you are middle class.

And maybe I'll be eating my words over egg number 4.

Don't go Always, an exchange of views is interesting and can't happen easily in real life.

hmc I was just thinking the same. My DD needs my support right now due to anxiety, health issues and the fact that she finds examinations incredibly hard psychologically.

This doesn’t mean she’s going to be incapable of progressing through A levels, or uni if she chooses to pursue that path. It simply means, for us, that she’s had a tough few years, is relieved to have made it this far and has asked for my help to guide her through the next few months.

I’m very much a ‘what do you think’ parent and will always ask her to consider what she needs to do, when, etc. Yes, they’re young adults, growing up to become independent, but they’re not all ready to fly solo at this stage of their lives.

But, this conversation isn’t what the OP wanted, so I’ll stop. Nice chatting to you hmc (and others).

I’ve had 2 go through GCSE and like to think I was quite hands off

However, I did do revision timetables for them for Easter hols, half term and study leave with reference to the exam timetable. This ensured some structure and not spending too much time on things they like/were good at at the expense of the stuff that really did need to be worked at. I’m sure they didn’t religiously stick to it but it got the message through that some structure is required. I also insisted on phones outside the room.

I also made sure I put my head round the door at regular intervals —to catch them on their phones— to see how they were getting on and relaxed all food related “rules” for the duration

I'm sure my children would have been fiercely resistant if I had tried to 'help' them with their revision or homework.

My parents trusted me to do what was needed to do well in exams. The only input was when Mum would creep into the front room, where I was working, with a cup of cocoa at 10pm.

Surely at this stage of their education pupils should be able to organise their revision for themselves.

I would be the same but School have issued a revision plan outlining what needs to be done every night (two hours) which needs to be signed by me. If he doesn’t complete it, I get a call or text. I’ve been called in to school this week because they are worried he isn’t keeping up.

Hands off isn’t an option at our school.

I'm leaving mine to it too.

He's going to lunchtime and afterschool revision sessions and doing nothing at home yet.

He did exceptionally well in his mocks, so I do worry a bit that he is not feeling the pressure. We gave him lots of help when he was revising for the mocks.

I will make sure he knuckles down in the easter hols.

My ds did GCSEs last year. His school recommends 50 minute chunks of revision which is coincidentally the length of a period at school. A lot of past papers are about an hour long so a past paper for an hour, break followed by marking and learning/revising a weak topic followed by a break and repeat seems to work well.

The support I offered was food, helping going through revision cards etc Ds is very "independent " so would never respond to being micromanaged. He started revising at the Easter Holidays and totally underperformed but scraped good enough scores for A-levels.

hiding and hmc you would definitely not be classed as lazy parents at our school, different demographics I guess.

I also made sure I put my head round the door at regular intervals —to catch them on their phones— to see how they were getting on and relaxed all food related “rules” for the duration That wouldn't even cross my mind as it would have annoyed me if my parents had done that, so I won't do it to DS

Nice chatting to you too Hiding. We presumably need our own carefully delineated thread "Calling all moderately involved GCSE parents, with realistic expectations, whose anxious teens ask for and need some support without being hot housed"

Interesting post. If I had been hands off with my eldest DS he would have definitely failed his GCSE and A Levels. He was really lazy and I was always a struggle getting him to do any work never mind study. His school struggles with him too. Got their in the end after he had resit his A levels, despite his aspirations to go to uni and receiving offers it wasn't enough for him to motivate himself to work. It was only when he didn't get the grades (he did pass though without doing much!) he stayed at home and re-sat and then skipped off to uni. Throughout we knew exactly what he was or wasn't doing. You can only support as you cant do the work for them. On the other hand his super bright studious cousin didn't need any assistance whatsoever and has a spot in Cambridge. So it really depends what you mean by 'hands off'. Is it that they are self sufficient , understand what it is to study and revise and have a clear plan. Or is it simply 'leave them to get on with it' and see what happens. My 14yr old DD who I have to say is nothing like her OB and is bright but if I did the hands off approach with her she would still spend half her time sitting on her phone on snap chat. So its a standard rule, hand over your phone and get your work done. We check it too, having learned our lesson from her OB. I came from a home where I was left to get on with it , my older sister didn't get any qualifications and I scrapped a few but ended up doing particularly well in my chose career path. Sounds like most on this thread have lovely studious DC...so you must be doing something right!