'Hands Off' GCSE Mothers

[AlwaysHungryAlwaysTired]

DS1 is taking GCSEs this summer and, while reading mumsnet posts and worrying internally that he is not doing what everyone else's DCs seems to be doing in terms of revision, extra-curricular activities and all round brilliance/dedication, I am more or less completely leaving him to get on with it himself. Which, at the moment, means he doesn't seem to be doing anything much study-wise outside of school hours.

Please tell me there are others out there doing the same? I can't take any more hearing that children have been revising for two hours a night since December!! Overall I trust that DS1 will be ok doing it alone, but have moments of doubt frequently that I am not involved enough. How do we know how much is the right amount to parent in these years when they are becoming adults?!

And how come DH never seems to worry about any of this?!

[drummersmum]

There seems to be the idea out there that if a child studies hard and revises it's because he/she is being hot housed. Or it's because the parents are hands on. Like if it doesn't happen otherwise...

[Taffeta]

This is a really interesting thread ( Y9 DS Y7 DD) but agree op that so many MN threads just turn into a boastful competition about how bright/studious people’s children are.

It does become tiresome.

The posts from those that are hands off and how they manage this are v informative though and give me food for thought.

[Mishappening]

Hands off is good. I have absolutely no idea at all how much work my DC did for their exams - but all 3 have very high educational qualifications now.

We always went on hols in the May half term and they all sat and read their books on the beach!

[TeenTimesTwo]

The thing is, there are different types of hands off

1. Don't do anything because you gently monitor and think your DC is doing enough so you don't need to be involved
   
2. Don't do anything because you actively believe that it is up to the DC to take responsibility
   
3. Don't do anything because DC character is such that it will just cause arguments and won't help anything
   
4. Don't do anything because you don't really care
   
   The OP I think is possibly a Type 2, whereas a lot of the respondents have been Type 1. The Type 1s can say they are hands off, but also they justify it by saying their DCs are doing X,Y,Z without prompting.

[BerkInBag]

"Calling all moderately involved GCSE parents, with realistic expectations, whose anxious teens ask for and need some support without being hot housed"

That's the thread for me. There's a reasonable mid-point between "I'm beasting my kid for 10 level 9's" and "I'm totally leaving him to it you know".

[Allthebestnamesareused]

I am a type 1 per TeentimeTwo's great list - which is brilliant because I thought I was going to be a type 3!

[TeenTimesTwo]

[Teenmum60]

How do we know how much is the right amount to parent in these years when they are becoming adults?!

My answer to this would be to be guided by what the school recommends given that they have taught your child for the last 4.5 years. My Dd's school does recommend 2hrs per night and 3/4 hours a day on weekends (but less if homework is given). Some children do this and more - some children don't do anywhere near this. Most of us entrust our child to be taught at a school and therefore surely you would try to guide your child in the schools' recommendations?

[DailyMailEatsSnails]

DS2: wants some hand-holding and I do a bit, but there are Types 2) & 3) moments, too.
DD: I constantly hint she should study less. You could call that Type 1) if you wanted.
DS1: I was very firmly Type 3). I did remind him why getting good results would help him, and got him to agree to a school plan to have him go in to school extra days for study sessions (rather than get study leave like most his cohort). He got quite good results but did not do A-levels, either.

[hmcAsWas]

Berkinbag - hurrah for the mid-point!

[Ontopofthesunset]

I was on the main GCSE thread last year as DS2 was doing his exams, and I was almost always in a state of mild panic at how much everyone's children seemed to be doing, and for how long before the exams. How did they not know everything months beforehand? How were they not bored beyond belief? Or were the exams really so difficult that this was required?

My son revised over Christmas for post-Christmas mocks, did quite well, promptly decided he could slacken off a bit, and then started to revise properly over Easter. Of course he was doing some revision that was set as homework, but he wasn't doing independent "trying to commit stuff to memory" revision until Easter.

Reader, he did very well. Stay off the threads. They are not representative.

[Cherryminx]

I really think it depends on the child.

My DS is a master of procrastination and disorganised. I have helped him by doing a timetable and setting some rules like no phone, start early etc.

My DD is very organized and I don't imagine having to do anything other than making her cups of tea.

[TheSecondOfHerName]

It really depends on the child (teenager).

DS1 needed a lot of support, help with organisation etc.

DS2 gets on with it and needs very little input from me.

[TheSecondOfHerName]

Cross-posted with Cherryminx

[pointythings]

Well, I was very hands off with DD1 last year. She did work hard, but she certainly didn't start revising in January and we most definitely did have a holiday away at Easter. She revised but also had plenty of relaxation and fun. We also had a long weekend away over the summer half term, during which she didn't revise at all for three whole days.

On school days she revised no more than an hour an evening, and did 2-3 hours a day most weekends. It worked for her, she devised the schedule herself and she really learned to manager her own learning, which is incredibly useful now she is at 6th form.

[Cherryminx]

It also depends on the school. Our school has given them all a detailed timetable that started last week with lots of set revision activities. The school has a history of good GCSE results. I think they know what they are doing.

[mimiasovitch]

Dd1 did her GCSEs last year. We supported her with tea, curly wurlys and free access to all the pretty stationery she wanted. She took time off when she wanted but still seemed work a lot too. She is very driven however, and I'm not sure that this lackadaisical approach will work for dd2 who is a little scattier. I'm hoping that her competitive streak will encourage her to try to achieve similar grades.

[Careerbreaktime]

Don't know if this has already been mentioned, but our school gives everyone a tailored revision plan with specific things to do rotating through each subject - so say 3 different things each day (and Fridays off!). My (disorganised-ish dyspraxic ) son found it really helpful to give him a bit of structure. Not sure if other schools do this?

[ATailofTwoKitties]

DD needs a 6 in maths to get to her chosen 6th form. Whenever she looks too relaxed, I mention doing a spot of maths revision.

[battenbergbutterfly]

Refreshing thread OP. I'm with you 100%. The competitive parenting is doing my head in. I fear for some of these kids and wonder how they'll ever cope once they've left home and have to motivate themselves to get stuff done.

[MaisyPops]

If it helps my y11s are generally a chilled bunch.
Students:
Group 1 - stressy types, need reminding to calm down and actually have a life
Group 2 (majority) - work hard, do revision and just get on with it.
Group 3 - keen to do well but coasting a little. Home need to prod them a bit to get them to do the right amount.
Group 4 (1-2 students) - arrogant, not working hard enough, over confident and think they can turn up and nail the exams. Never as able as they think.
Group 5 (i don't have any in this group) - Can't be arsed, everything is a battle

Parents:
Group 1 - very pushy and stressy (similar to MN my child is on a 7 and their life will be over unless we get a tutor types)
Group 2 (majority) - keep an eye on their child, encourage them, chilled but focussed
Group 3 - hands off, lets their DC do what they want, it would be useful for a bit more nudging now and then but very supportive of school
Group 4 (tiny minority- i don't have any in my class) - ineffective parents who demand intervention and extras after they have systematically undermined the school at every opportunity but now it's our problem their child is underperforming

[TeenTimesTwo]

I fear for some of these kids and wonder how they'll ever cope once they've left home and have to motivate themselves to get stuff done.

I see what you are saying batten, BUT I personally don't think GCSEs are the place to start leaving kids to fend for themselves if they can't yet handle it, especially if they are less academic.

It is fine for your bright kid to drop from 7/8 to 6s. They can get their shock, but still go on to do A levels.

But for others it might make a difference of getting 4/5s or 3s. Which impacts massively on what they can do next.

Which goes back to the types of hands-off parents I listed above. It is easy to be hands off if your child is going to get what they need for the next step even if they don't revise all that effectively. Much harder if it is going to severely impact them.

[Teenmum60]

If I was the Op perhaps I would be "hands off" having read the Op's thread from 12 months ago when she was asking for advice on Oxbridge applications when her DS was in Yr10. Totally agree with Teentimestwo....

[TheDonald]

I need a thread called

"Parents whose fairly intelligent but non Mumsnet-clever children are doing ok but need a kick up the arse occasionally (but not too often or they rebel) but they'll probably do well enough to get into sixth form so is it worth the stress of nagging them?"

Anyone care to join me?

[allinclusive]

I think as parents we need to support our children but I'm not going to hound my children, fall out with them and have battles at exam time. Too much pressure can be counter productive.
They need sleep, food and a bit of fun at home to get them through their exams if they have been doing their best at school. Of course they have to revise but parents stressing out about it isn't going to change anything.