'Hands Off' GCSE Mothers

[AlwaysHungryAlwaysTired]

DS1 is taking GCSEs this summer and, while reading mumsnet posts and worrying internally that he is not doing what everyone else's DCs seems to be doing in terms of revision, extra-curricular activities and all round brilliance/dedication, I am more or less completely leaving him to get on with it himself. Which, at the moment, means he doesn't seem to be doing anything much study-wise outside of school hours.

Please tell me there are others out there doing the same? I can't take any more hearing that children have been revising for two hours a night since December!! Overall I trust that DS1 will be ok doing it alone, but have moments of doubt frequently that I am not involved enough. How do we know how much is the right amount to parent in these years when they are becoming adults?!

And how come DH never seems to worry about any of this?!

[Orangettes]

I see myself as a facilitator - buy stuff that's needed, get tutors if they are requested, help keep distractions to a minimum, but ultimately I have tried to get the dcs to understand they are doing this for their future, it is not something for me....and generally they seem to get on with it, I have not enquired about timetables or felt the need to and for that I am grateful, they are GCSE grade 6/7 kids.

[SoundofSilence]

TheDonald yes! That description is so very us.

[pointythings]

Maisy I have vivid memories of taking DD1 to archery with us (she wasn't shooting at that point as recovering from shoulder injury, but was there for outdoorsy socialising). And oh boy did we learn a lot about Macbeth, photosynthesis and public health in Victorian times... You can take the girls out of the revision, but apparently you can't take the revision out of the girl.

She says she found it beneficial though.

DD2 is much more a type 2.

[JustRichmal]

You could help your DC by advising how to revise. Reading through notes will do very little. They need to do something with the information; draw mind maps, work through example questions, highlight and summarise the information.

As others have said, at GCSE some are mature enough to revise by themselves, others are not. It is their first important set of exams and some may need the direction to set them on the right track. If they are still needing lots of help at A level, that is the time to be concerned.

[Peanutbuttercups21]

Ahhhh, good thread

I am hands off, but DS1 is only in y 10, and in the middle of y10 exams. He is not revising much at all.

The way I have been trying to get him motivated, is by talking about the future and what he wants to do, and which grades he'd need. I let him.choose his own options (no languages, no ebac)

But it seems all my friends/acquaintances have tutors and are very involved, so my idea of letting him.get on with it, and relying somewhat on his motivation "from within", rather than external pressure, feels like a risky game

I may yet crack in y 11

But hope not. The school puts enough pressure on him. Ultimately I think it is up to him.

[AndromedaPerseus]

Also in previous years course work made up a big part of the GCSEs marks and you could almost predict the final grade based on them. Now most subjects have no coursework so the final grade is down to these exams making the stakes much higher for dcs to perform well in them

[LoniceraJaponica]

Every child is different. If I had been as hands off with DD as I'veGot Bills she wouldn't have done as well as she did. Not every 15/16 year old is emotionally mature enough to understand the implications of not working hard for their exams. I envy those parents of children who are self motivated, but DD needed a lot of encouragement, which paid off.

With the demise of the AS exams. GCSE grades matter more for university entry. So doing "just enough" to do A levels won't cut it any more, especially if your DC want to apply to medicine or vetmed

[MaisyPops]

The above is me. I feel I peaked too soon
Maybe!!

Maybe it's the teacher in me and thr fact I am not into makimg models but I can see myself wanting to request my child gets proper homeworl or no homework. Anything other than silly models.and posters crappy taskss.

[Sadik]

3. Don't do anything because DC character is such that it will just cause arguments and won't help anything
   ^ This She has now managed to pick up her exam timetable after extremely cautious encouragement/reminders (not^ instruction) on my part.
   Thankfully I can also fit into group (1) as parents evening suggests that she is actually doing enough work independently. But there's not a cats chance in hell if she wasn't that the sort of input given by parents on the other GCSE thread would help. (Been there in previous years, got the grey hairs t-shirt.)

[OutwiththeOutCrowd]

Can I add parent type 5) to the earlier list?

Parents who don’t do anything because they didn’t realise the whole helping out thing was a marathon rather than a sprint and used up all their oomph in the early stages of education writing supervising the writing of diary entries for the class teddy and making overseeing the making of castles out of loo rolls.

The above is me. I feel I peaked too soon.

[Stickerrocks]

Well I'm on the other GCSE thread, but I have no idea how many hours revision DD is doing outside of the after school sessions she seems to be thriving on, as she lives in her room with a laptop switched on, emerging for meals. I'm using that thread as a source of useful info and gossip about everything school related including college applications, proms, friendship issues and fretting about mock results which could be better. DD doesn't want me to be involved in what she's doing, hence why I'm enjoying the other thread.

[BizzyFuxtons]

One of mine (a DS) is about to sit GCSEs. He is at boarding school, thank goodness, so I know absolutely stuff all about what he's doing. I do, now, know what subjects he is doing - but that's the extent of my involvement. I trust he will do ok. My contribution will be to restrict his time on his X Box over Easter.

[QueenOfQuacks]

DD is a mix of types 2 and 3! She's bright enough that she won't do appallingly but stubborn enough to resist all attempts to get her to do her best.

I was similar mix of 2 and 3, but had the academic pressure piled on big time. I ended up leaving education at 16 to go and live on a traveller site with my 30 year old smackhead boyfriend and at 36 I now run my own business so it's probably not a disaster whatever happens tbh.

And I like the description of being a "what do you think" parent. That's definitely me. I save laying down the law or applying pressure for the total non negotiables (ie life saving type stuff).

[MaisyPops]

pointy
Your pairing of styles is quite common.

So are:
Stressy child who do fine + stressy parent who acts like life will be over if they learn 47.5 quotations from Shakespeare not 50.

Stressy parent who whines so much it's white noise so the child stops caring because nothing they do will be enough anyway

[Theworldisfullofidiots]

To be honest I mostly leave dd to it. I occasionally ask her how it's going and she asks for help when needed. She asked me to help source some history help and for ideas for making sure she covers all subjects (she picks them out of a hat) as she hates revision timetables/ plans (she thinks it takes more time than getting on and doing it). Her mocks were good, school keeps a very close eye on them and I think I might just be too much. She's motivated as she wants to go to another sixth form that require high grades.

[Taffeta]

My background makes my thinking on this area somewhat skewed.

I went to boarding school until 14 where I worked hard and it was cool to be smart. I found all the work easy.

Then my parents hit hard times, got divorced and ill, I went to the local comp where I wasn’t as bright and coasted/gave up. My parents weren’t on me as they had too much other shit going on, so it was easy to drop out. I left with 6 average O levels where I was an A* student.

I did well in life despite this. I don’t want the same for DS, who used to have real drive but is currently embroiled in teen ennui. He’s only Y9 at the moment and has just done his options. I’m hoping he starts to feel the desire a bit next year.....

[BubbleAndSquark]

Personally, my parents were very hands off and didn't even acknowledge exams/revising/homework. I got good grades but it was pure luck as I did little to no revision.

I think I little bit of encouragement and checking he is putting in half an hour most days would be good as a minimum of involvement. A bit of discussion about it might bring up any worries or areas he could do with a bit of support with too that you may not otherwise know about.

[LadyinCement]

I started reading the GCSE thread but started having breathing difficulties a couple of pages in. I am interested in dd’s subjects but some posters knew about every single module in minute detail and were revising together! Dd would leave home if I dared to breathe down her neck to that extent. And I think it places huge pressure and expectations on the student.

I do thoroughly agree with a pp that one’s involvement does depend on the school. It’s all very well for some people to trumpet that “you should leave it all up to the school” and then they let slip that their dc are at Westminster or some such. Sure, if my dcs were at a top public school I would be very happy to abdicate all responsibility, but if your kids are at the local comp you need to keep watching brief, at the very least.

[Qvar]

rude

[hmcAsWas]

As a public service and not to derail an interesting discussion I am going to step away from this thread as I am clearly feeling a bit aggro

[hmcAsWas]

And that's what you got from my post?

[hmcAsWas]

No they weren't Qvar so dfod

[Qvar]

the youngest in her year (just 6 weeks too old to be in Y10),

Nobody in her year was born in August?

[hmcAsWas]

"I fear for some of these kids and wonder how they'll ever cope once they've left home and have to motivate themselves to get stuff done".

I find this quite an ignorant and unimaginative statement. My dd is only 15, the youngest in her year (just 6 weeks too old to be in Y10), has dyslexia and struggles with anxiety. Is it okay if I give her a bit of fucking help?