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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel my bullied child was punished instead of the bully

54 replies

Paprikas · 06/10/2017 23:43

My daughter is quite a petite 12, herself and her friends were told to get off a bench by a much larger girl. When they wouldn’t this girl went for her, ripped her earring out, pulled hair out her scalp etc, my daughter kicked back at her, to get her off but it took a 6th year boy to lift the bully away. Anyway my daughter is traumatised, has been off school the last 2 days while the other girl was in the “support base” and threatened another one of dd’s friends. I don’t think the girl was punished, it was assault, what if she did that to a teacher. The school had been ignoring our calls until my elder dd put up a Facebook post. She then had the head boy shouting at her and sending a very passive aggressive message tonight. Sorry for ranting on but this school is already in bother with the council for bullying issues. AIBU feeling the punishment wasnt enough, I am too close to it to feel I’m making a measured decision. I’m thinking of reporting to the council and would appreciate any input. Thanks.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 06/10/2017 23:45

Why the council? Ring the police.

JoanneCoften · 06/10/2017 23:46

Reporting to the police would be more appropriate I think.

GreenTulips · 06/10/2017 23:46

Sorry let me add

The school will be in a difficult position and you ringing the police will actually help the school build a case to get her expelled or managed moved or other help she may need (she does need help even if you can't see that at the moment)

The school should be calling you to check her well being

Ring them first thing and report it as assult

noblegiraffe · 07/10/2017 00:08

Your DD was assaulted. My school would have been advising you to call the police as schools are not adequately equipped to deal with that level of assault.
If it had happened to you you'd be calling the police, just because it happened on school grounds it doesn't make it any less serious.

MaisyPops · 07/10/2017 13:19

Your daughter was assaulted.
School should be taking it seriously.

Normally I'm not a fan of 'go to the head' but I would here.

The school are going to be in a difficult place if they've allowed the bully to sit in the support base instead of being punished. It would leave me (as a member of staff) preparing to hear that 'bully has a lot.going on at the moment so we need to give her some support. It doesn't excuse her behaviour but...' aka we'll explain it away and let a bully misuse the SEN and support base to avoid punishment)

Original poster

Paprikas · 07/10/2017 13:43

Thanks for the advice everyone, the headmistress ignored our calls for 2 days, nobody got in touch until my elder daughter put it on Facebook- I think they were aiming at damage control. We were also told by school that the police couldn’t do anything anyway. Regardless we are speaking to the community police on Monday and have an appointment with the school. When my daughter was getting first aid she could hear the bully being told in the next room “you know you’re to count to 10 before doing anything with your anger issues” The school is covering its arse with no concern for pupils wellbeing.

OP posts:

WillowWeeping · 07/10/2017 13:47

Does your DD have physical injuries from having her earring torn out? You must report to the police.

Have you requested an appointment with the school?

FlowerPotMum · 07/10/2017 13:51

You need to photograph any injuries and also get you daughter to write a statement while it fresh in her mind.
Present this to the police. Disgusting behaviour from the bully, and awful of the school to hide it like this.
Hope your DD is as well as can be.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 07/10/2017 13:56

Yes, certainly report the assault to the Police. They may not be able to do an awful lot but they will at least ensure the school take the situation seriously.

Did this happen at a break or lunch time? If so, and the bully has known anger issues, surely she should be kept in isolation during these times?

redexpat · 07/10/2017 14:15

Photograph her injuries. The school are outright lying when they say that the police wont do anything. Glad youve made an appointment. You need to start reading up. Mn is actually a great place to start. Your meeting with the head needs to be framed with how are you going to keep dd safe rather than I want this girl punished. ANY suggestion that your DD should change her behaviour should be met with thats not good enough as she didnt start this and it leads to victim blaming. Take notes during the meeting. After the meeting email the head with the main points that were covered. If anything is agreed make sure you know who has responsibility for making it happen and when rhis should happen by and who to contact if it doesnt. Keep a record of all pgone calls with the same info. Time date and who you spoke to.

How has your experience been with the school until now? The fact that they only got in touch after it was on fb and their response so far doesnt inspire confidence.

Ttbb · 07/10/2017 14:56

Just report it to the police.

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/10/2017 15:07

The school is covering its arse
Yes they are

with no concern for pupils wellbeing.

Your dd is not the only pupil involved in this. The school also has to deal with the other girl.

what if she did that to a teacher.

Pretty much the same, maybe a day in internal exclusion, and the teacher would still have to teach the girl when she is returned to lessons.

But do ring the police, in my experience they won't do much other than talk to the girl as they expect the school to deal with it.

GreenTulips · 07/10/2017 17:57

Your dd is not the only pupil involved in this. The school also has to deal with the other girl.

I think OPs point is that the HT is ignoring DDs well being

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/10/2017 18:09

GreenTulips

I think OPs point is that the HT is ignoring DDs well being

Yes, they may well be.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 07/10/2017 21:45

Why on earth did she put it on Facebook? That’s so unhelpful.

The other student being kept separate for 2 days is surely the punishment. Internal exclusion? They do also have to do restorative work with the aggressor.

Report it to the police by all means.

GreenTulips · 07/10/2017 21:48

Well the FB post ensured the HT contacted OP didn't it?

Why not? It's what kids do these days and she had nothing to hide!

HT should've been equally proactive and advise OP what they intend to do to look after DD and make sure she's safe and happy at school.

But yet again the aggressor gets all the attention and DD is ignored

Expemsiveuniform · 07/10/2017 21:50

Ring the police. Go tomorrow. do not wait until Monday your child was assaulted and at secondary age it’s a police matter. don’t let the school cover it up.

Good luck

CauliflowerSqueeze · 07/10/2017 22:05

why not? because it’s really immature?

LimpidPools · 07/10/2017 22:08

Well she is 12 cauliflower!

ASauvignonADay · 07/10/2017 22:12

If she did that to a teacher, I’d imagine she’d be permanently excluded!

I’d go to the police. The school shouldn’t say ‘they won’t do anything’, although IME they don’t generally do very much as they always say it’s not in the publics interest etc.

I’m shocked they’ve not phoned you to ask how you dd is, or to chase why she isn’t in school!

ASauvignonADay · 07/10/2017 22:14

Just to add - you can’t be certain about what punishment the other girl has had, or what evidence the school has. Have you discussed what happened with them?

CauliflowerSqueeze · 07/10/2017 22:15

Her elder daughter put it on Facebook. Anyway that will just have stoked it all further.

youarenotkiddingme · 07/10/2017 22:16

Imo I'd move her schools.

We went through this with my ds. School awful at dealing with bullying, ignored bullying, punished ds for retaliating when boy strangled him and then have no support when student pulled a knife on him in class and ds tried to hang himself because he could take no more. He was 11

I fought and fought. Fought school for ignoring the peer on peer safeguarding policy, fought police for saying school were dealing with it and so it investigating, fought governors to take responsibility for my severely anxious ds and stop school denying anxiety despite Camhs referring him for CBT.

Eventually I realised that the fight may be won eventually but ultimately the ethos and school culture wouldn't change because they defend their image over dealing with it.

Ds moved schools on a managed move and is a different child. Current school admit that there's bullying but stamp it out as soon as reported.

and hot chocolate for your DD. It's awful being a victim.

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/10/2017 22:29

ASauvignonADay
If she did that to a teacher, I’d imagine she’d be permanently excluded!

You can imagine, but you would be wrong.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 07/10/2017 22:32

I’m some boroughs there are no permanent exclusions ever.

And in most, they go to a referral unit and then back into another school after 8 weeks.

Unless they’ve taken out the whole staffroom with a Kalashnikov there’s an excellent chance they will be back in someone’s lesson within a couple of months.

There is no money to set up alternative provision.

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