Teachers say 14 year old is too quiet in class

[candlelight22]

Just had son's report and all his teachers say he is far too quiet. One even said he is the quietest he's ever taught!

He says he doesn't see the need to talk in class, but when a teacher asks a question they only ever get a one word answer. He will never ask a question, not even after all the lesson when others have gone.

His grades are good (mostly Bs and As with a smattering of Cs) but they all say his silence is hindering his progress. This makes me sad as he has so much potential, but might under achieve because of his silence/shyness.

I am worried as GCSE year starts soon. He's got no issues in school and was always quiet in primary school. We hoped he would grow out of it but seems not.

What can I do? He's not a great communicator out of school! We talk a lot as a family.

What should the school do? All very well saying he is quiet, but they need to do something to support him I think.

He's choosing science options as he likes these best.
Pleas help. No idea how to approach this. He's not going to change overnight.

I will say that just telling someone they're too quiet and they need to speak up more Does Not Work. It just puts more pressure on and drives confidence down further.

Well said, completely counter-productive!

I do wish people wouldn't equate introvert with 'can't talk or offer opinions'. They are different things.

I'm an introvert. I don't talk much at social gatherings. I prefer staying in to going out. BUT I'm a teacher, so I can clearly talk. When I go to conferences, I can ask questions of the speaker. When I'm in team meetings, I can make contributions. Introverts haven't lost the power of speech, being unable to speak is something different.

I've been thinking about this all night and from what I remember it was one final incident after many in school that made me then give up bothering with class.

Teacher asked a question, I answered it correctly just badly phrased, everyone laughed at my answer including the teacher only for another student to answer the same question but she phrased it slightly differently and the teacher was full of praise and not one child laughed at her reply.

This was common, it had happened repeatedly, I think it was because I wasn't one of those popular girls (I was nerdy looking with spots and glasses and dressed frumpy). I'd rather get on with my life than cause a fuss/drama over everything. I decided from then I would keep out of everything and only give an answer if I really had to.

School was crap with teachers constant badgering to get me to speak up in class really just made it worse. I wasn't going to be humiliated again by the staff or other students and the more they tried the more I dug my heels in. I don't want to be shown up infront of students/teachers, I don't want to be ridiculed, laughed at or picked on so the best way to deal with it is to avoid the situation altogether. So I decided to keep myself to myself and just get on with my work.

I'm still the same now, I don't want to be judged or compared, I don't want to be humiliated. I don't want to be part of the crowd, I'm not a robot I'm an individual.

Teachers can forget every child is completely different and an individual, school is set up to churn out copies of children with the same level of attainment to show how good the school is not to show how different and diverse their students are. School is not there to allow a person to develop in their own way, to experience their own things, to look at life in their own way. The fact is they have uniforms and they tell every student their task is to gain as many high academic grades as possible otherwise they're useless/unemployable/a failure.

From my experience teachers all have a similar character and personality (they need it to deal with children all those years). Theyre often very similar to each other so they all agree with the same things, they are often like robots themselves but don't notice it. But they do notice if a child isn't like them and they try to make that child more like themselves.

DDs drama teacher just couldn't understand DDs anxiety about performing on stage. Teacher told me it was unnatural and she must clearly have MH issues because she turns into a complete mess when asked to perform infront of people. I pointed out shes just an introvert, she hates being the centre of attention. She scoffed 'who doesn't like being the centre of attention?'. She just couldn't understand how DD works and she penalised her for it by giving her the lowest grade in the class and constantly tried to get her to perform. She even dished out detentions for not taking an active part in drama class.

If introverts can be considered in the school place they would speak up more. One-to-one is better than the entire class glaring at a child who's been asked a question waiting for them to answer. The child feels uncomfortable and panics not thinking straight, the other children start to make noise because theyre fed up of waiting for an answer, the teacher starts to get cross because the introvert child cant find the voice to speak and then they're in trouble with the teacher because they couldn't answer.
Yet get a teacher who wanders around the class and asks quietly a question to the introvert child and they will probably find the voice to answer. No pressure, no-one staring or tutting just a teacher checking a child has understood. What takes up more time? A whole class getting angry waiting for an answer or a quick question quietly on the side of the class.

I don't agree that all teachers have the same personality. There are plenty of teachers who are introverts.

But being an introvert is not the same thing as being anxious about speaking or being unable to speak.

I do get the point about the school system being set up more for extroverts though.

So use a different teaching method then

Are you a teacher, badbadbunny? Which method would you recommend for generating lots of different ideas quickly from a group of students other than discussion? I suppose they could all write their ideas down in silence, silently swap them with each other, read each other's ideas in silence, write down responses to them in silence, swap their papers again... Yeah, sounds very dynamic and productive.

But I look forward to hearing what you do in your classes, badbadbunny.

I received these comments for both my children. I knew it wasn't a problem as I was also like that at school and had become a fully functioning adult with a good job. At parents evenings my children and I would play Parents Evening bingo - to see how many of their teachers mentioned the 'quiet' / 'needs to contribute more' comments. My son was 1 off a Full House once ! The comments stopped once my daughter was in 6th form as the groups were much smaller and she started to talk. My son has just finished Year 11. Just to reassure you, it had no effect on their academic results - my daughter (now at Uni) obtained 11 As at GCSE and my son already has 1 A and received 8 A's, one 8 (A in old money) and 1 A in his GCSE mocks.

However, not communicating into adulthood can have detrimental effects on getting a job, even in STEM occupations. No matter how gifted you are. See my earlier post.

I would agree with you Bubbles for an extreme case. I was just trying to reassure the OP that following my experience that at age 14 there is every likelihood that the situation will improve with age and confidence. Confidence will grow in time by being exposed to differing social situations as long as an individual is comfortable. From my experience this cannot be 'forced' or rushed or changed by a teacher mentioning to a student at this awkward age. That is why I never showed my own children any concern with this issue. So far this technique has worked. I encouraged them both to get holiday jobs (successfully) and both did voluntary work before this. Saying all this, I do, however, work in a profession where the extrovert version allegedly looks at someone else's shoes when talking to them !

pengggwn there are specific interventions for children with severe communication anxiety that involve subtle changes in teacher approach which can indeed do what op wants. I could describe some if you wish. The crucial thing is that the emphasis moves from trying to elicit speech to trying to reduce anxiety, so that speech can come on its own.

I am reading with great interest all your advice.

I am phoning the school this morning to see if we can work together to help DS. He is different and they need to be able to deal with different pupils. I think the idea of having a friendly teacher help with prepared questions would be good starting point.

I've just packed him off for five days training camp with the CCF so he must be able to communicate his needs etc. DS is also a decent tennis player (coach says one of his main skills is that he 's calm, measured and doesn't give anything away - so it has its up side!)

Just wish teachers would stop going on about his quietness at every parents' eve and in reports. It's not at all helpful, unless they're going to do something about it/or leave him alone.

ItsOnlyReallyMe - encouraged by you saying that your children's grades didn't suffer. Teachers are warning him that if he doesn't contribute more he won't get as good grades as others who talk up. How much pressure does that put on him? To try and be something he's not? Not happy with that approach!

Really, thanks everyone. Relieved to know we're not alone.

I used to want to stick a post it note on my head saying 'yes, I know she's quiet' at parents evening. She's now training to be a doctor so hasn't done her any harm. She just didn't want to speak in class. Ever.

This is exactly my DS too! His first form to tutor at high school told us she was concerned as he was reading too much and some of the other children were teasing him about it...Apparently this was his problem, not theirs!

His grades are very strong, his reports are exemplary and he has a small group of lovely friends at school, but the consistent comment is 'he's very quiet' or 'he needs to contribute more in class' which we know is an important part of a well-rounded education, but is really tricky for a naturally introverted person.

His teachers who understand him have found ways to help him, by putting him into small groups where he feels happier to contribute.

We lived overseas for a few years and the DCs attended school there. So he's been way out of his comfort zone and coped really well, but it hasn't changed his personality or his leaning towards being a quieter person....that's just who he is.

Just wish teachers would stop going on about his quietness at every parents' eve and in reports. It's not at all helpful, unless they're going to do something about it/or leave him alone.

This!! Just what is the point in all the teachers wasting time at parent's evening saying the same thing and writing the same thing on reports. As a parent, I can't make my child be more talkative in class. All I can do is pass on the comments!

I was exactly the same when I was at school - I'd just sit in silence and pretend not to know an answer, even if asked outright as I was so socially anxious - so it made me look even more of a fool. I'd even bunk off lessons to avoid having to give class presentations or talks. Thankfully, some teachers understood and stopped asking me questions - they knew I knew my stuff from my good written work - unfortunately, some other teachers just kept on and on trying to change me which just made things worse!!

But it has done me no harm as I have managed a successful professional career and now run my own business. Just a few months ago, I gave a successful presentation to a room full of a couple of hundred people.

School is already a toxic environment for people who are square pegs in round holes. You're more likely to get bullied, more likely to suffer social exclusion, so the last thing you want is teachers drawing attention to you all the time by constantly asking questions and making you do presentations and talks, when it's blatantly clear that you're not comfortable doing it!!!

His teachers who understand him have found ways to help him, by putting him into small groups where he feels happier to contribute.

Which is what the decent teachers do rather than making all their pupils confirm to their blinkered teaching approach. I remember a couple of teachers who successfully managed to bring me out of my shell for their lessons. They did it gradually and by nurturing rather than by stealth!

I was so socially anxious

Exactly. This is not about being an introvert, it is an issue that needs proper intervention and support.

Teachers teach hundreds of kids, loads of whom are introverts. We're used to it. If a teacher is telling you that your child is the quietest they've ever taught and they're worried that it will affect their studies then they are saying it's not normal introversion but an issue that needs looking into properly.

Teachers don't collaborate before parents' evening to make sure you hear different things so if you are hearing the same thing from every teacher it's worth considering if what they are saying is actually a problem. An individual teacher isn't the person to do this and expecting every teacher to pick up on it and 'intervene' appropriately won't happen. The parents should contact the SENCO if they are worried.

noblegiraffe I think you are missing the point of introvert children. They don't need 'intervention' they just need to be considered in the way teachers teach them.

Parents don't need to see the SENCO because their children do not generally have Special Needs they just need a slightly altered approach by the staff.

Unfortunately lots of staff will only change their teaching method if someone has seen a SENCO and been diagnosed with something or has a GP recommend something different and its popped onto the childs file which is stigmatising and labelling those children when its not necessary.

Teachers just need to take on board, not every child is outgoing, chatty, a drama queen and some children are quiet, thoughtful, and like to take in everything without any of the drama lots of teenagers seem to relish in.

A student doesn't like answering questions out in class but has excellent homework/class work then why make a big fuss over them being quiet?

Had they said ' candlelight22 DS is very quiet and his work if falling well below the expected level ' then yes, absolutely see the SENCO. Given he's just quiet and his work is good why should his parents be made to feel theres something wrong with their child when theres no need for any real concern given his grades?

noblegiraffe I think you are missing the point of introvert children.

I'm not. You're missing the point that sometimes the problem is not just that the child is an introvert but actually there is an issue like social anxiety or selective mutism that needs to be addressed and comments like 'oh they're just an introvert and teachers don't understand' won't be helpful.

A student doesn't like answering questions out in class but has excellent homework/class work then why make a big fuss over them being quiet?

My thoughts exactly. That was me and it's now my son. Even with a string of A/A* in his yearly reports, the teachers still whinge about him being quiet. So what!

I remember my history A level class. There was only me and one other student who would answer questions.
It got painful. Teacher asked question, I knew answer immediately, deathly silence in the room. When it became uncomfortable, the two of us would look at each other and one of us would answer.
I have no idea who it was supposed to be benefitting. I was not being challenged by these questions, and I presume he wasn't. I have no idea what the rest of the class thought, (did they know the answer or not?) I can't see what the teacher learned (assessment wise).
The exam was 100% written, I could have done with far more help on research and essay skills. I'm not sure what the point of answering class questions was?

Reinhardt, I think you might be missing the point that introversion and social anxiety are not the same thing.

Not all introverts are socially anxious, and the OP's DS may not be. But if it's being flagged up by every teacher as an issue that may be affecting his work, then it might be worth ruling out anything more than just introversion.

why should his parents be made to feel theres something wrong with their child when theres no need for any real concern given his grades?

I meant to respond to this bit too. If a child is unable to (not just reluctant to) talk to a teacher or answer a question or make a request after a lesson then there is a problem, regardless of grades. Schools have pastoral roles as well as educational ones and they shouldn't just ignore a child who is doing well in class if they are obviously struggling socially.

noblegiraffe this is a genuine question by the way, what as a teacher could you do to help ?

Why shouldn't a child be quiet when getting good grades?

I genuinely don't understand.

To me its preferable for a child to be quiet and get good grades, noisy children with mediocre grades really need pulling into line and made to sit down and be quiet so they can be taught properly surely?