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Original poster

Do you agree the school completely messed up ?

133 replies

Alonggoesthetit · 19/04/2017 15:19

On Mother's Day, we were told that my fil was terminally ill and only had weeks to live. One of his last wishes was to see the kids (13 and 10) before he got too ill. We have organised to go on the Tuesday and to come back on the Thursday. Eldest 's school is very strict about absence so I called the attendance officer and explained that my father in law was dying that he wanted to see his grand kids a last time before things got really bad. It's relevant to say that ds had 100 % attendance, he never missed a day at school even when ill.

I was confident that this 2 days and a half absence was going to be accepted. I picked ds up at lunchtime on the Tuesday. I saw him and he still didn't have the authorisation. He got told by the secretary that if he couldn't find his head of year, he had to get his authorisation from the deputy head.

He did that but got told no I won't sign that. Ds was tearful, I was completely stunned. He invited to the conference room to talk. I explained that ds's grand dad was dying and that we all needed to go to spend some time with him. It was one of his last wishes. The deputy head refused to authorise the Wednesday and Thursday off...he only authorised the Tuesday afternoon, suggested we go then come back in the evening (it's in Devon)... He said that if ds didn't come back, he will be given 15 hours after school, we will be fined, he will be considered a truant.

At that point, ds was really upset and I was shocked. We went to meet dh then we left for Devon. All we talked about was the situation at school when we should have been trying to spend quality time with my fil. My father in law was to ds, don't worry go back to school, it's shocking but I don't want you to be in trouble because of me. Ds was also adamant he was going back to school as he didn't want to be in trouble.

So we went, we caught an early train and ds was back at school on time. I left my dh and my other ds there.

Things went from bad to worst for my fil and he passed away in the night Thursday to Friday..2 days after we last saw him.

I complaint to the school and we are going to meet with the school this week. I don't know what I want from this thread just acknowledgment of our treatment. We have been treated dreadfully ? We had the right to make my ds miss school isn't it ?

OP posts:
pieceofpurplesky · 19/04/2017 21:08

Sorry for your loss.
I am appalled by this. A similar incident happened at my school and the pupils were authorised a few days off.
I know schools are tied by county rules but being sympathetic and pleasant costs nothing. The DH sounds like a dick. Our DH had to unauthorise a holiday recently for a child who had a parent that works away. She could not authorise but spoke to the parents and said that she understood and that she would make sure he was allowed to attend reward trips etc.

SandyDenny · 19/04/2017 21:15

Sorry for your loss, is this a maintained state school?

While the school possibly can't authorise the absence I'm very surprised that they actually tried to stop you going, that isn't right at all.

Why would they mention truancy, that's not relevant surely.

I wouldn't expect a school to have a specific compassionate leave policy for pupils, would that be separate from the general absence policy?

It seems to have been very badly handled

Bestthingever · 19/04/2017 21:17

I'm sorry for your loss. This story shows how ludicrous the situation with pupil absence has become in this country. Staff members in our school would be granted compassionate leave in this situation. Why should pupils have less rights?
You deserve an apology for the way you were treated.

allegretto · 19/04/2017 21:17

Sorry for your loss. I think the school has behaved appallingly.

FrameyMcFrame · 19/04/2017 21:17

I'd complain to the governors. Also consider local papers. It's utterly disgraceful and they should be named and shamed.

babyinarms · 19/04/2017 21:33

along you are not a failure! You were let down by the school. Your ds was scared he'd get into trouble and that's because of the way the school treated him! It's appalling and not a reflection on you, you're going through a tough time and the school didn't support you!
It's easy for everyone to say what they would have done in hindsight !
Ye need time to grieve but I wouls certainly create a massive fuss about this and put it in writing so that it won't be repeated in future.
Look after yourself FlowersFlowers

Buck3t · 19/04/2017 21:37

I know what you mean along. My son was very ill. He's normally as strong as an ox. Never ill. Doesn't miss school days. He missed the first day back after Christmas, but was too worried about school not to go in the next day. though he was still ill. They have our children brainwashed. And we're supposed to support them. This has been a difficult time for you and I think you need to take all the time you need as a family.

MaisyPops · 19/04/2017 21:44

That's dreadful. So sorry for your loss.

I can't believe a school would act like that. I'd imagine they're probably also the kind of place that is bloody awful to work for and would deny leave for staff to attend funerals too (often schools like that with kids aren't great to their staff either!). What nasty individuals.

Unless their school rules are drastically different, they can't give 15 hours after school for unauthorised absence. If the child is off and parents have called in with a real reason then they're not strictly truanting. Truanting would be being in some lessons& not others or parents believing the child to be at school and they're not. The school could try to fine you for holiday absence at a push but nothing more if his attendance is well above the threshold for monitoring.

I think this is the first absence thread on MN where I'm in team kick off at the school.

ohforfoxsake · 19/04/2017 21:47

You aren't a failure! My DD would have refused to miss school if put in that position, and would have become very upset. You were in a no-win situation.

Original poster
Alonggoesthetit · 19/04/2017 21:54

He is brainwashed that's true. He really loves the school, completely embraces the school ethic. All his teachers praises him for his hardwork. He was once named in assembly for being the pupil producing the best effort for his year. He is never late either.

Ohforfoxsake - you are right, we were in a non-win situation. Ds would have been alright doing the 15 hours and me paying the fines but he was feeling sick at the thought of being called a truant.

OP posts:
Violetcharlotte · 19/04/2017 21:58

I'm sorry for your loss and so sorry about the way you've been treated. I don't know how that deputy head can sleep at night! What a complete and utter dick. You've been treated appallingly at a very difficult time.

RaspberryIce · 19/04/2017 22:31

How awful.
He said that if ds didn't come back, he will be given 15 hours after school You mean he'd be given 15 hours of detentions because you'd taken him to see his dying grandpa? Shock Or have i misunderstood?

RaspberryIce · 19/04/2017 22:37

How awful for you that you were having to worry about this and your fil was having to say for you to go back so your dc wouldn't be in trouble. Sad

oklumberjack · 19/04/2017 22:51

I had something very similar recently, but the school handled it very well.

My dad died March 1st. We live 5 hours away. I went up on my own immediately. Then returned a week later when the funeral date was set, arranged 3 days off school for dd (1 day travelling, 1 day for funeral, 1 day travelling home). Dd is only in Y7 and had never had a day off before. I emailed her tutor and also found an online form to fill in about planned absence. I filled in the dates and explained why in an attached note. I never heard a peep of protest. The only thing dd heard was from her form tutor who mentioned that "of course, it was fine".

I would have gone anyway without permission, but this 'easy' approach from the school made it less tense.

I think your dd's school have been ridiculously heavy handed. In all reality, I wouldn't make a huge fuss/complaint but I would probably send an email saying how unhappy I was with their attitude (but I'm very non-confrontational Grin)

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

Traalaa · 20/04/2017 08:46

What sort of school is it? It all sounds so OTT. A fair few by us are quite draconian - they're mostly Academies with a lot to prove. They're all so fixated on their rules and getting results that they seem to forget compassion.

Original poster
Alonggoesthetit · 20/04/2017 09:04

Yes it's an academy.

OP posts:
honeysucklejasmine · 20/04/2017 09:09

Bastards. I'm so sorry OP that's awful.

Astro55 · 20/04/2017 09:16

I'd ask for their policy
I'd want to know how they intend to handle things in future
I'd complain to the governors
I'd put it all in writing

That's heartless

Astro55 · 20/04/2017 09:17

OH and you can say no to detentions - not so much the fine - but you could've appealed it

youarenotkiddingme · 20/04/2017 09:29

I'd wondered if it was an academy too!

We have 2 near me. One have my ds a breakdown which he's receiving counselling for (long story!) and the other is locally known as "the demon headmistress!" After the well known book/film. (See my current thread in sec Ed)

Neither show any compassion towards students - just stick to rules and image.

I will also advise academies are VERY hard to complain to and about. Consider what you want and how far you want this to go.

I complained because my ds was referred to Camhs and dx with anxiety that the school refused to acknowledge. The suggested I move ds when I complained about a child continuously bullying him. That student pulled a knife on ds 2 weeks later. School rang and told me and logged it on e portal page. They then refused to meet with me after ds wanted to take his own life rather than attend school again.
I complained - their solution was that the incident never happened - it was a mistake to tell me that. They have got away with it and I ds and I had to had to suck up financial costs of him moving to a school miles away.

I don't want to derail or hijack thread but please be aware fighting the school affected my MH more than having to deal with a damaged ds.

That's why I gave the advice above about asking a simple direct question and then saying nothing. Ds school managed to answer a 1 line sentence asking for his result in a test with 129 words of great language - not one of the words said "X%" for example.
Why? Because ds was failing the subject and they wouldn't admit that as they would have to put back on the support his previous school had in place.

You are going through enough right now - beware of you MH as you go through this.

RaspberryIce · 20/04/2017 09:31

I don't think you can say no to detentions. There was some rule passed in about 2012 i think.

Traalaa · 20/04/2017 09:35

Ah, sad to say I'm not at all surprised it's an Academy either. I worry about some of the teacher's mental health at the one near us. It's run like a military school and the stress levels on teachers is huge. That's not me dismissing what that teacher said to you as it was horribly wrong, but it's so extreme it sounds like that teacher's caving in to me.

youarenotkiddingme · 20/04/2017 09:36

No you can't. And academies can set their own day times and term times etc so I'm not sure that the la can do much to intervene.

Or certainly ime it seems they don't want to intervene when it comes to academies.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 20/04/2017 09:37

Education Funding Agency will investigate complaints about academies if they don't use their own procedure effectively

MaisyPops · 20/04/2017 09:37

Astro55
By law schools do not need parental consent for detentions.

Most will seek it through letters etc but it's courtesy. And I can imagine if a school has lots of parents who refuse to back school discipline (say struggling schools) they may just do away with it altogether.