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Original poster

Do you agree the school completely messed up ?

133 replies

Alonggoesthetit · 19/04/2017 15:19

On Mother's Day, we were told that my fil was terminally ill and only had weeks to live. One of his last wishes was to see the kids (13 and 10) before he got too ill. We have organised to go on the Tuesday and to come back on the Thursday. Eldest 's school is very strict about absence so I called the attendance officer and explained that my father in law was dying that he wanted to see his grand kids a last time before things got really bad. It's relevant to say that ds had 100 % attendance, he never missed a day at school even when ill.

I was confident that this 2 days and a half absence was going to be accepted. I picked ds up at lunchtime on the Tuesday. I saw him and he still didn't have the authorisation. He got told by the secretary that if he couldn't find his head of year, he had to get his authorisation from the deputy head.

He did that but got told no I won't sign that. Ds was tearful, I was completely stunned. He invited to the conference room to talk. I explained that ds's grand dad was dying and that we all needed to go to spend some time with him. It was one of his last wishes. The deputy head refused to authorise the Wednesday and Thursday off...he only authorised the Tuesday afternoon, suggested we go then come back in the evening (it's in Devon)... He said that if ds didn't come back, he will be given 15 hours after school, we will be fined, he will be considered a truant.

At that point, ds was really upset and I was shocked. We went to meet dh then we left for Devon. All we talked about was the situation at school when we should have been trying to spend quality time with my fil. My father in law was to ds, don't worry go back to school, it's shocking but I don't want you to be in trouble because of me. Ds was also adamant he was going back to school as he didn't want to be in trouble.

So we went, we caught an early train and ds was back at school on time. I left my dh and my other ds there.

Things went from bad to worst for my fil and he passed away in the night Thursday to Friday..2 days after we last saw him.

I complaint to the school and we are going to meet with the school this week. I don't know what I want from this thread just acknowledgment of our treatment. We have been treated dreadfully ? We had the right to make my ds miss school isn't it ?

OP posts:
Rudi44 · 19/04/2017 18:49

Wow, can't believe how you have been treated. On top of everything you are going through now having to deal with this on top. I would wonder if in a similar situation himself, would the deputy head still turn up for work? You would have been well within your rights to call them in dick because they were too upset to attend school but you wanted to play by the rules and trusted the school to behave sensibly and they let you down badly.

Rudi44 · 19/04/2017 18:49

Dur sick sorry

offblackeggshell · 19/04/2017 18:53

Your situation is the very definition of an exceptional circumstance. The school really need to recognise that.

cansu · 19/04/2017 18:56

I would write to the governors if I was you. The head will probably support the deputy's decision even if it is completely ridiculous. The governors are just ordinary people who will think that the school have been awful. Address letter to chair of governors and copy in other governors listed on website. I am a teacher. There is no way our headteacher would have done this.

2014newme · 19/04/2017 18:57

Sorry for your loss.
You won't be fined for two days. I wouldn't bother meeting with them. You needed tge time off, you took it, done.

SnugglyBedSocks · 19/04/2017 19:01

I wouldn't guarantee that with the governors. Our govenors support the head no matter what.

Chilver · 19/04/2017 19:07

Insist on getting the staff leave policy. The fact that is different is entirely the point! Compassion shouldn't be just for the staff and not the students who are vulnerable purely due to their age.

I would go in with clear expectations in your mind of what you want out of the meeting otherwise they may talk rings around you.
e.g a written apology, a written assurance and detail of how they will manage your DS's grief compassionately, grief counselling as a pp suggested etc

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/04/2017 19:09

I think it is time to move schools and re educate your ds that school is school and not the be all and end all of everything.

I personally would have pulled him out and ignored a person who seems to think they can throw their weight around.
Family comes first especially in these circumstances

Devilishpyjamas · 19/04/2017 19:14

Appalling and I would be kicking off.

However, I would also have told the school that we would not be coming back early and that was the end of it. Then sorted it out once back. Have been in the school game too long to be bossed around when they are being unreasonable. (And in this case they were so clearly being unreasonable).

Do take it to the head and governors and maybe copy he LA so they can see how rules are being applied. Not sure how complaining about academies works if its one of those

ASDismynormality · 19/04/2017 19:17

Sorry for your loss.

The school showed no compassion, a really awful way to treat its students and family.

LornaD40 · 19/04/2017 19:20

My bet would be that this deputy head doesn't generally have responsibility for making such decisions and therefore made a wild guess on procedures (or didn't want to agree to an absence he wasn't sure on and has no common sense) and will get a bollocking from higher management. I doubt that is the schools policy and it would probably be counted as 'exceptional' and they could C code it.

Amammi · 19/04/2017 19:21

I don't want to say this the wrong way as I understand that you are all in grief but I don't understand the initial process - is it the child that has to apply for the days off or the parents on their behalf?

To be honest I would not have put my child in the original situation of applying directly to the head for the days off. That's too far up the food chain for them to be dealing with face to face.
In my opinion from what you have described It was this that then caused the problem. When the head was involved it should have been just a discussion adult to adult with the pupil present imho.

I reckon the Head made a bad call on the fly as they were without any teacher input.

I'm sorry it worked out so badly and hugs to you all.

Amammi · 19/04/2017 19:22

without the pupil present

soapboxqueen · 19/04/2017 19:25

I'll start off by saying you are right to take your children to see their grandfather. It was absolutely right that they saw him.

I suspect the school could have been more sensitive in their dealings with you and your ds. If nothing else an expedited method for reporting or requiring absence in such cases.

However, schools are very limited in what they can authorise. What you or I may see as exceptional may be very different from a school or LEA. The likelihood of an LEA fine and pressure on a school can influence what they do and do not authorise.

I would make a complaint to the Head because if nothing else you need an explanation of why it wasn't granted and for them to understand how they dealt with you affected your ds.

Seeking out the staff leave policy is pointless as the law for students does not impact staff employment contracts. Though in all fairness some heads wouldn't have granted 2.5 days leave or would have granted it at no pay. Reasons for granting absence for staff in term time are understandably limited.

Oly5 · 19/04/2017 19:30

I would write to the headteacher and the head of governors with a formal complaint. I would expect an apology.
Absolutely stand your ground on this one, they've behaved terribly.
I also agree on asking what the compassionate leave entitlement is for staff

Original poster
Alonggoesthetit · 19/04/2017 20:06

Thank you all. I feel like a massive failure. I should have kept ds and not let the school decides for us.

OP posts:
1bighappyfamily · 19/04/2017 20:09

That is so callous. Absolutely dreadful and they ought to be ashamed of themselves. I agree with you - fight that one OP.

Am so sorry for you and your family's loss but so glad that your DS got to see him, if only briefly.

gluteustothemaximus · 19/04/2017 20:14

Awful lack of compassion from the school Sad

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Would definitely complain. Take it as high as you can

Original poster
Alonggoesthetit · 19/04/2017 20:21

The appointment is on Monday. Thank you for your support !

OP posts:
Buck3t · 19/04/2017 20:40

Along I don't know how to do flowers. But very sorry for your loss.

I want you to know we were very much in this position 18 months ago and I can assure you what you experienced from the school didn't happen. It is not normal and you should definitely complain. I think the one difference is that my DH didn't give them an option when his DF died.

It was a case of this is how it was going to be. The school should definitely not have been in communication with your DS about it. It should have been between parents and school.

It's okay in hindsight and I hope the meeting will be very therapeutic. Additionally, I see no reason why they would have a problem with your DS being removed from school for the funeral.

Oh and telling you that the compassionate leave is different staff is the point as to why you want to see it, so please do insist.

Buck3t

Original poster
Alonggoesthetit · 19/04/2017 20:54

See Buck - all the conversation happened in front of ds : he will be considered a truant, you will be fined, he will get get 15 hours of detention...I was shocked, I called him Inhumane. The deputy head wouldn't budge and said it was illegal to authorise such absence. I told him : do you understand that fil is dying ? He wants his family around us. I explained that ds had 100 % attendance, that even when ill he dragged himself to school. In almost 2 years, ds missed one day of school : to go his aunt's funeral. Dh also lost his dsis to cancer almost a year before fil. We have been thought really shit time.

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 19/04/2017 21:00

So there you go. Why t is there different rules for children with dying relatives than for the staff? That's what you need to ask - then sit in complete silence whilst they find an answer! Then write down what they say and later email to confirm that's what they said.

youarenotkiddingme · 19/04/2017 21:03

And along I know we've all questioned why you didn't just keep ds off.

But I think the fact he left his dying grandad at 5.30am to get a train back to show shows just how aggressive and uncompassionate the school were to put such fear into a child that he felt school was more important and the punishment he'd receive for seeing his grandad would be greater than him dying without spending time with him.

These are all things I would be saying. Make the statements and then sit in silence to see what they have to say.

HuckleberryGin · 19/04/2017 21:06

It's possible that the staff policy isn't up to much. I work for a teaching union and you'd be surprised how heartless schools can be towards their staff too. I've heard of no authorised compassionate leave for staff who's partners are terminally ill.

But you should definitely complain. Is it an academy or local authority school. If you get no luck from the Governors you could go to the local authority.

greathat · 19/04/2017 21:08

That is terrible. Sorry for your loss

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