Pros and cons of boarding vs day?

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DDs are only 3 and 1 so a bit daft to be thinking about secondary, but we are thinking about primary/prep schools (private) for them and some are more boarding focused whereas others are more day school focused. So it would be helpful to have an idea which is likely to be our preference. DH boarded, I didn't, we both enjoyed our experience. We can afford either.

So far I can think of the following pros and cons of boarding vs day - but am aware some of these may be misapprehensions. Also some may be"fixed" if we did weekly boarding?:

Pros

• Saves the commute. We are London based and any secondary will involve at least 45 mins each way. So less tiring (DD gets tired easily) and allows more time for homework, extra curricular etc

• More choice. There aren't many day schools near us, DDs may not get in to the super selective ones, the ones they get into may not fit well etc. This is a biggie.

• Less arguing/nagging over homework and revision (I hope?)

Cons:

• Less visibility of what your child is doing - eg if they are unhappy in some way or not doing their work properly you might not know if the school doesn't pick it up. I would struggle with this I think

• Less chance to have out of school friends/activities, which I think can be helpful in times of school friendship difficulties

• Perhaps less close to your child in the end? (controversial!) less influence over how they grow up? (equally controversial!)

• Perhaps a more traditional ethos which we wouldn't fit with (we are not religious, I am a WOHM and feminist, we don't follow many traditions) but guess this depends on the particular school

Can anyone add to this list or disagree with any of my list...?

I'm not looking at it!
As far as Im concerned there is not thread about boarding.
How are you Gruach? What the weather like where you are? It's shit here, raining and raining and raining.
Boys break up in less 11 days it's exciting isn't it? My DS has 11 days of school life left to go, he's currently wondering around a bit lost with nothing to do and not sure what to do with himself now his exams are over.

Then why bother?

Why not just PM the OP or ignore the thread altogether? Why join then try to derail ?

I am somebody who tends to look on the bright side of life and assume that things will work out, so if the subject of boarding came up and was relevant I probably wouldn't rush to thinking about terrible emotional damage. Here are a couple of more low key reasons why I would still go for day school:

The helicopter 24/7 argument works equally well both ways: that could also be said of a boarding school, that you are under the influence of the same people 24/7. The reason I like day school is that dc get a balance between us, teachers and friends; and I like to think we are sufficiently different to provide alternative ways of looking at life. Not the only way of doing it, but one that works for us.

I think it is useful to see how a household works on a daily basis, the little discussions had about finances and catering and who does the washing up.

Ditto to see how a marriage works close up, how we resolve our difficulties on a day to day basis, when we are not trying to be extra nice because it is the holidays. But then we have a happy marriage, might well feel different otherwise.

Dh and I have some skills which we are quite eager to pass on and which would be harder to cram into the holidays. I benefitted enormously from the discussions had around my own family table as a child, really would not have wanted to miss out on that.

More seriously, when dc have developed problems we have been there on the spot and been able to react very quickly/work with them close at hand. Also, when family trouble has struck, we have all been there to meet it together rather than having to relay information over the phone. Again, not saying it is the only way, but I think it has been beneficial for us.

I know someone who currently teaches in a well regarded boarding school and I've chatted with her about this several times as I work in the state education sector and it's an interesting debate.

She says that although the pastoral care is very very good for most boarders, in no way shape or form does it make up for children being away from their families. Even when parents work very long hours in demanding professional jobs their children still benefit from seeing their parents and interacting with them every day even if it's just for a short time before bedtime.

Sincerely hope our particular teen isn't wandering around with nothing to do HG - exams within spitting distance.

I swore I wouldn't get involved (just snipe from the sidelines) but cory! You're not honestly trying to tell people that a teenager who has grown up at home and is back and forth from home all the time even when boarding has no idea how a household works on a daily basis ...? I'm not sure a comment holds more water merely because you declare it to be low key. (And I can assure you that not a single one of my family is capable of being extra nice because it is the holidays. )

Im sorry but I really struggle to believe that there is nothing wrong with your relationship with your child if they would rather not live with you.
My dc get all the opportunities they would at boarding school and they get to live with their family too!
I've seen the disconnect between boarders and their families, it's just not the same as living at home and a I said I still have friends who were boarders at our school who have relationship issues that I ( and they) believe we're down to being sent away to school, we are all now in our 40,s. Many of the kids who didn't get to go home at weekends would beg to come home with me instead, which my mum was happy for them to do. I also have family members who boarded almost 60 years ago and they still talk about being " sent away" in a very negative way. DH's cousins daughter boards ( for no good reason other than tricky childcare issues) and she facetimes DD constantly asking if she can come here for weekends and the begs us not to send her back.
Were the boarders army school unhappy all the time? No
Did they have lots of fun with their friends? Yes
Would most of them rather have lived with their parents? Definately

I think it will depend on child's personality and age. I started weekly boarding when I was 14, I really enjoyed, made lifelong friends. And I feel I formed a kind of equal friendship with my mum after that, weekly boarding was quite a good distance between me and DM at that stag, which I would like to be more independant. Some of my friends did find termly boarding hard though.

ok, Gruach, I will put my hands up and admit that I missed the bit about boarding being only from secondary. I do think there are lots of things about running a household and negotiating as a couple which you can't really understand before you get to a certain age yourself, but secondary age is easier than primary

I was very much aware when I spent my uni holidays with my family how the dynamics had changed and that there was a kind of holiday spirit in the air which was different from the grind of daily life- but perhaps that was just my family

Plenty of pro's for parents if they want rid of their children.

No pro's for kids only cons.

Be prepared to lose your kids though. My sister never wanted to come after a while, it was a common theme with her friends. They felt rejected and distanced themselves from home.

She is 10 years older than me , went to boarding school when I was 3 years old she was 13 I never seen her again untill I was a teenager

I've no memories of my sister untill I was about 13 years old.

An aspect that OP might like to think about, which I don't think has been discussed yet amidst all the usual how-could-you-ing, is the difference it makes to have your children in a prep school that has boarders. This makes a big, and in my experience very positive, difference even if your children do not board. YMMV and obviously you have to look carefully at the individual schools, but based on my first hand and second hand experience:

• The day is usually longer. In the preprep (up to age 7 or 8) our boarding prep school has normal primary school hours, 8.45-3pmish, but for the older children it's 8.30am-6pm, followed by supper for boarders and anyone staying for a late club. Clubs are open to day children as well as boarders and finish at 8pm.

• A school day that goes to 6pm for 8yos initially sounded to us like a potential problem, but actually it's been a huge advantage. The school day includes several decent length breaks (a lunch break separate from a clubs break, for example), with a good choice of clubs and free play, and the school frequently has things going on inside the school day that would be extra-curriculars elsewhere - there's a sense of it being no problem to make time for things. My children would have had to be in after-school club or at a childminder's or something from 3-6pm anyway, so in effect they're getting that free time/extras time spread out inside the school day, with their friends.

• Because the school has boarders, it's set up to be able to care for children at all times. This shows up in a number of differences. In the preprep there was an afterschool club (until 6pm, the prep school's finishing time) that you didn't have to book, for example: you could just say in the morning that you wanted your child to stay that afternoon. I suppose this works because, with the prep school in full flow, there are other staff they can call on if they unexpectedly have more children than usual - in principle I think they reserve the right to say they have no space, but I never knew it happen.

• Similarly, suppose a parent is, because of some emergency, unable to make pickup at 6pm. No drama: you just ring up and ask for your child to be sent to supper with all those who are boarding or staying for clubs. There's no question of you having kept some member of staff away from their own children.

• There's been absolutely none of that pointless parent-homework, and no last-minute compulsory dress-up days. I've always assumed this is because no teacher would do this twice, after they'd heard from the boarding staff who had to make it work for the boarding children!

• Flexiboarding can be fun for children who are suited to it, and convenient to parents, whether or not there's more serious boarding in the future, and gives you all an opportunity to think about boarding from a position of a bit more knowledge, even though it's never going to be the same as full boarding. I did not expect to be what my username suggests when my children were the ages of yours, OP, but am very happy with the plan now. And yes, our family is quite functional, thank you all for your concern :-)

With boarding you tend to pay more to ensure your child runs a high risk of emotional damage, worse exam results and you lose the pleasure of their company. I can't see the point and we could afford either and the children were given a choice - they chose private selective day schools within the M25.

However some children at 13+ don't mind boarding. I used to go every year a a dinner at a leading boarding school and ask the sixth formers if they would send their children. They tended to use phrases like it did me no harm, I survived it... and the children would be allowed out for a smoke after pudding (you just lose your influence as a parent if they are not living with you even though teenagers dont' always speak much to you). You increase the peer influence. Now if you aren't up to much as a parent which is true for many a parent of course, then sending the child away may well be the better choice....

"Im sorry but I really struggle to believe that there is nothing wrong with your relationship with your child if they would rather not live with you."
Hopping as you don't know me or my DS you are in no position to comment in any shape or form on the relationship that I have with my DS.
I on the other hand am able to comment on it. Having worked with children for much of my working like I know better than most what a excellent good, average and poor relationships between parents and children looks like, when you see how wrong things can go its inevitable that you look for any worrying signs in your relationship but Im pretty confident in saying I see nothing of any concern my DS and I are exceedingly close.
Luckily for me I don't just have to rely on my own opinion, over the years many professionals who work in similar field to me, teachers, other parents (many who know nothing about boarding) and their children and once even a stranger on a train who felt she wanted to say something, have regularly comment with great admiration, and on how amazing the relationship is between me and my DS and how as a family how happy we all seem to be together.
I accept that for some children and their families boarding is a crap idea, but I don't accept that we are the exception that proves the rule, many children boards and have excellent happy relationships with their parents.
"My dc get all the opportunities they would at boarding school and they get to live with their family too!"
That's great for your children but it would happen for DS. Why you struggle to accept this is beyond my comprehension.
As I've repeatedly said on these boards we often want something different out of education, we want different opportunities and experiences, no school can offer exactly the same thing, what works for one doesn't work for another. What DS2's school offer is perfect for us, he gets opportunities that I cant offer him in a million years and he's thriving both academically and personally and most importantly of all he's happy at school and also happy at home that's good enough for me. .

I went to a well-known girls boarding school in the 80s. My sister, who is two years younger than me, went to a day school.

Without a doubt, my sister has a much better relationship with my parents than I do. She phones them regularly, they give her money, they give her children money, they help her decorate, etc etc. I do not phone them regularly (what on earth would I talk to them about??!) and they certainly don't give me or my children any money, or help me decorate. And I would not ask. We are just not that close. Oh, don't get me wrong, my manners are impeccable, and to the untrained eye, if you saw us together, you would not notice, but there is undoubtedly an invisible force-field there keeping us at arm's length.

It has also spoiled my relationship with my sister. She was envious that I got to go to this great big public school, and every time I came home for a weekend exeat, I felt like an intruder, particularly in the relationship between my mother and my sister.

As a boarder, you become expert in not telling your parents when you're upset (because you don't want to worry them) and then of course, you start not telling them the good stuff either because you've just got out of the habit of sharing anything with them.

Possibly very different now with email and mobile phones, but still very easy for a child to hide behind.

I was perfectly happy at school however, so if you think you can compensate for the inevitable emotional distance that will come with the physical, then that's your choice. Personally I enjoy my children and love every tiring minute of them.

What I find frustrating about these discussions is that for some posters any negative personality traits, relationship problems or mental health problems such as depression that a teenager or young adult may develop get attributed to boarding if they boarded but never get attributed to having lived at home or attending a day school for those who did n't board. Actually even for boarders, since they spend just under half of their year at home any issues could just as well be attributed to time spent at home rather than the influence of being away at school. As has been often repeated, communication between parents and DCs at boarding school is easy and as frequent as wanted, just as teenagers at day schools keep an easy semi-permanent contact with their friends in the evenings by social media and phone even when they are not physically with them.
I have a DC who boards and one who does n't, our relationship is as strong with both -(and no we are n't just kidding ourselves)- The DC who boards wanted the package that particular boarding schools offered, the other did n't because of different options, interests.
I will say that we particularly look forward to and appreciate the times together as a family but that feeling will go on even when they have properly left home.

OH boarded, he asked to board despite school only being 20 mins from home. It depends totally on the school and the child.

We will ask our child their opinion, I wouldn't force a child to board who didn't want to and at 1 and 3 you can't make that call just yet.

Even further in the future but DD2 is boarding for sixth form and is absolutely loving it. She has made extraordinary friendships and had great opportunities that she would never have had in her day school.
I wasn't keen for her to go, I couldn't bear not to see her but she was very keen. Her older sister was dissatisfied in her day sixth form, she did well academically but I think she wanted more in some way, it may have influenced DD2.
I do miss her terribly but love that she is so happy, she is home lots and spends less time in her bedroom/on her laptop when she is with us. It has been a good steeping stone to university I think.
I don't think every child feels rejected, although I recognise that at16/17 it's a little different.

I mostly agree with what you say, happygardening, but girls' schools are often more inclined to be flexi boarding or weekly boarding than the traditional boys' schools and you are probably more familiar with the latter, me the former. The children that have guardians are more likely to stay in at weekends and these are more likely to be international students. It is just what happens in some schools. They also fly home at the end of term and often not at half term. Therefore, schools are different and so are the pupils and their needs.

As an international boarder parent. I don't actually see the difference. My DD has made good friendships with local and overseas girls. There are the odd wobble here and there but overall it has been quite good. In this day and age of internet access it really isn't a major problem. She does do weekends at her local friends house and we have welcomed them to HK. If we believe the naysayers I must be the parent from hell. I have sent my daughter half way around the globe to a full boarding school. This is regardless that she is doing well academically and socially or that she is enjoying herself. Yes she is independent she flies back by herself and does not require to be mollycuddled. Does she talk with us ? Yes every weekend if she is not busy. Do we miss her ? Yes we do.

TBH Boarding is not for everybody. We know our DD has seen them come and go. Yet those of us who do board hold no grudge towards those who do not.

Hi OP

I can see that people feel quite passionately about this. Realistically, you will have until year 4 or 5 to apply for senior schools (caveat: check this is correct with the schools that you think you may want), whether day or boarding.

The prep school should have an opinion on which school (boarding or day) they think will suit your child. It is unlikely that anyone will be able to form an opinion until your child is quite a bit older than they are now.

My own opinion? I think I would hate to have my children board BUT a friend boarded and loved it (although her Dad was in the Forces and moved every 18 months). I think that girls who stay in their prep schools until 13 are usually the ones who will board while the ones who leave at 11 are usually going to day schools.

As a former boarder, but not someone currently weighing up secondary school options, my list would be:
Pros - ability to do a lot more sports/activities/clubs without having to juggle timetables with siblings. For someone wanting to do a sport or instrument at a high level, this was a big plus
Peer support system and incredibly close friendships. House/dorm mate relationships tended to be more like siblings than friends and while class friendship groups had the usual fallouts, the house ones were much less volatile and more supportive
Structure and routine. Coming from a large family where things were noisy and chaotic, it was nice to have the routine and calm of house life, with rules about respecting peoples' space and things in a way that siblings don't always

Cons:
Missing out of bits of home life and daily goings on. I remember our neighbours cat having kittens and being insanely jealous that my younger siblings got to see and play with them but I had to wait 2 weeks
Homesickness, although it passed quickly

Thanks everyone, still reading and considering

Just, for goodness sake, bear in mind that nothing you read or hear about boarding in the 15th or 18th or 20th century has anything to do with the best that you might expect from a boarding experience in the next decade.

And, of course, be guided by your children. You get to make the decision - but no decent school will take a reluctant pupil and no child can thrive unless they themselves really, really want to be there.

of course Gruach

I think sparechange's list is a good one. Nowadays Facetime etc means that even the dog / cat etc can participate in catch-up chats and ours frequently does. However there will be some missed well-timed cuddles or hugs just as happens when DCs are away for other reasons.
I think the decision of boarding versus day becomes pertinent when choosing between an OK but fairly uninspiring day school life (for the particular needs of the DC) versus an excellent boarding school which makes a DC feel that they are not just marking time and stimulation with opportunities are there for the taking.
Parents can compensate to various degrees for the former type of school but that usually entails some dissatisfaction especially for the DC if their social life is not easy. Boredom and home routines are important but there is plenty of time for both those in the holidays and exeats etc.

I think the decision of boarding versus day becomes pertinent when choosing between an OK but fairly uninspiring day school life (for the particular needs of the DC) versus an excellent boarding school

Yes, this is the scenario I have in mind sendsummer. I understand that some people on this thread would never send their DC away even if that means sending them to a less good school. However I would want to find the best school we can - even if it's boarding (assuming, of course, DC are happy to board).

Actually this is what my parents did - I was a day school pupil but my sister (who was not a good fit with the local day schools) boarded. She was on the phone every evening and often home or visited at weekends - I think she spoke to my parents more than I did! We were both happy at our schools.