Pros and cons of boarding vs day?

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DDs are only 3 and 1 so a bit daft to be thinking about secondary, but we are thinking about primary/prep schools (private) for them and some are more boarding focused whereas others are more day school focused. So it would be helpful to have an idea which is likely to be our preference. DH boarded, I didn't, we both enjoyed our experience. We can afford either.

So far I can think of the following pros and cons of boarding vs day - but am aware some of these may be misapprehensions. Also some may be"fixed" if we did weekly boarding?:

Pros

• Saves the commute. We are London based and any secondary will involve at least 45 mins each way. So less tiring (DD gets tired easily) and allows more time for homework, extra curricular etc

• More choice. There aren't many day schools near us, DDs may not get in to the super selective ones, the ones they get into may not fit well etc. This is a biggie.

• Less arguing/nagging over homework and revision (I hope?)

Cons:

• Less visibility of what your child is doing - eg if they are unhappy in some way or not doing their work properly you might not know if the school doesn't pick it up. I would struggle with this I think

• Less chance to have out of school friends/activities, which I think can be helpful in times of school friendship difficulties

• Perhaps less close to your child in the end? (controversial!) less influence over how they grow up? (equally controversial!)

• Perhaps a more traditional ethos which we wouldn't fit with (we are not religious, I am a WOHM and feminist, we don't follow many traditions) but guess this depends on the particular school

Can anyone add to this list or disagree with any of my list...?

But, if you're going by numbers, surely day pupils outnumber boarders substantially across the private sector, so selecting a school that is chiefly a feeder to day schools is the statistically wise thing and isn't actually closing any doors anyway?

I just find it astounding that someone would choose a primary school for a toddler based on whether they send more to boarding or day schools afterwards. That's bonkers. The child at 11 could be outoing or painfully shy. They could be top of the class or have been diagnosed with dyslexia or a severe learning difficulty. They could be stroppy and withdrawn at home or loving and caring. They could be fit and healthy or ill in some form or another. They could have had lots of friends throughout primary school or have been severely bullied. All these things would influence where you sent them for their teenage years.

I agree, choose a good school that keeps their options open then decide which secondary school they would be happiest in in year 5.

schbittery thank you. I only know ex-boarders who enjoyed it, so it's good to have reminders that many hate it.

Desmondo and schbittery the only reason we're thinking about it now is because, as I say in my OP, we need to decide on primary schools later this year, and they seem to go one way or the other. So it's worth trying to work out if we have a strong view one way or the other. I'd much rather not have to think about it for years.

Primal I don't give a monkeys if people judge me, least of all people on MN! I'm disappointed in the replies because they aren't offering any new information or views, not because they are critical of boarding or of me.

sleep I get that. I'm just not sure why those who have such a visceral/one sided reaction bother to post on these threads. I wonder if they feel the same about parents who use childcare, especially if they don't financially need to work...probably. Thanks for your circumstances input - we do both work long hours, so that is a consideration, though still home for bedtime.

Where do you live in London that's 45 minutes away from Senior Schools
Is it Barking?

Gruach I honestly didn't foresee the bloodbath - despite many years on MN. I thought the only people who'd reply were people who had considered the same question themselves and had something useful to contribute. I now realise that was daft.

Apocalypse we live somewhere with horrendous traffic.

Yes, ok, I will pick the primary school we like best, regardless of where it "feeds" and reconsider destinations at age 8 or so. Just hate the idea of having to move schools at that point.

There is no prep school in the country that stops you applying to send your child to any type of secondary school. Entrance to most selective secondary schools, boarding, day or grammar, comes by dint of the parents support, encouragment and attitude toward paying on top for tutoring. The prep school has surprisingly little to do with it ime, other than being able to argue the toss a little bit in borderline cases if they know the secondary head - less relevant nowadays with current levels of competition for places. Equally, children at state primaries can apply and go to Eton if they want to. You will find all this out once your chidren start school.

I work full time and was/am happy to use fulltime childcare (nursery and childminders). I wouldn't consider boarding unless/until my teenager wanted it, as others have said. My 11 year old ds would be heartbroken if we suggested it.

schbittery thanks. I had got the impression the prep school was vital in terms of guidance on which school would fit, prep for any assessment, contacts, etc. Good to know it doesn't matter that much.

Agree of course I wouldn't consider it unless the child wanted it - but doesn't this depend on prep school choice, in that if you send your child to a boarding focused prep school they are quite likely to want to board in the end, just because that's what is seen as normal? And the reverse too.

Thanks for the helpful replies.

Children make their own way to senior schools in London, so distance is less of an issue. But I bet wherever you are there are excellent schools nearer.

Mine boarded from yr 2.
Pros: a myriad opportunities that I couldn't ever provide in a million years, essential life skills learnt through living alongside others some who you like, some you do, some are tidy, some messy, etc. boarding also makes you adaptable tolerant good at reading situations. You and your child value the time you have together, I have an outstanding relationship with my DS2 who's boarding since yr 2 (he has 1 1/2 weeks to go) we are incredibly close, nearly all the boarders we know (we're talking loads) also have great and very strong relationship with their families. No rushing around before or after school. Different more informal relationship with teachers etc, your child gets carried along with anything going on, e.g. if his friends are practicing the piano yourmore likely too, if everyone is doing prep your child is more likely to. Contrary to what many say most boarders are very happy and thriving (I'm talking from professional knowledge and personal.
Cons: cost, you can end up spending your weekends driving back and forth to school, you are not in control of what you DC does at school (this is a pro for me), no nagging your child to practice you euphonium, or revise for their exams. you don't know what's going on on a day to day basis (again a pro for me), you are trusting someone else to look after and guide you DC, your child will have to be a bit of a self starter and they will be expected to shift for themselves, so not great for a child that needs his hand held all the time. Your child needs to be fairly robust, boys in particular are not usually delivrarelt unkind. but they do banter a lot when they live together and roll on each other etc so not great for the very sensitive. Little or no privacy. You'll be openly criticised by people who know nothing about you your family your chosen boarding school and your situation, and who are full of uninformed outdated incorrect ideas about boarding as they know no more about boarding in 2016 than I know about quantum physics but still feel that they know best and that we as parents of boarders either dislike our children so much that we choose to "send them away" or are completely unable to see that are children are suffering terribly (even though it's pretty obvious to anyone that they're not).
It's not for everyone either parent or child, but for those it works for its a fabulous opportunity.

Given the relative minority of DC's going to boarding school, I think you would struggle to find a prep school that was mostly focused on boarding at secondary level tbh... do you have much evidence for this idea?

Ok. You don't want one thread. You need to either scroll through the last few pages of "Education" or "Secondary Education" in topics or simply Search the names of possible schools. After reading about half a dozen of these advance search the tiny number of posters who appear to have current experience and who you feel are talking sense. Then read all the relevant school threads they're on.

This works.

When we were looking I read pretty much every relevant thread from the past 5/6 years - without posting a word myself. Most of what you find will be sheer rubbish - much of it peppered with abuse too. Amongst the rubbish there will be snippets of pure gold that could really focus and clarify your own thoughts.

I'd suggest enjoying your babies rather than thinking about sending them away (however far in the future it is!)
If childcare/time with dh is such a big deal that the kids can't live at home maybe you should of waited to have them? It just seems so sad to me.
I'm really close to my son and flexi school ready to homeschool so complete opposites really!

Maybe there is something in that - they are more likely to grow up like their peers, but the prep schools I have experience of have leavers that go all over the place - day, boarding, grammar, state. Equally the kids that will go to the selective independent with my son in September will be coming from both prep and state primaries. I think it is much less black and white nowadays than in your husband's day. We are outside London though (although the secondary school is in London) so maybe it is different in London prep schools. I still think that natural ability and parental support matter more than the school on balance, assuming the school is not awful. Many non-academically able kids will have been "managed out" before the 11+ entrance exams remember so leavers destnations are not always a good reflection on how good the school was at actually preparing them.

However, if you want your children to go to school all the way through and think you won't want to change at 11 (many people think this then find the kid is sick of the school and the other 19 kids they've been with for 7 years), then there is still a lot of choice - eg a school that has a prep school and a secondary with day and boarding pupils (though many/most still don't guarantee entry to the secondary school and you still have to meet a certain academic standard at 11)

It's admirable to plan ahead, but your post came across as a bit cold I think which is why people were a bit snarky maybe. I'm sure you didn't mean it like that. My considered opinion a bit further down the road is that you cant really plan that far ahead with children so you should concentrate on keeping as many options open as possible.

There are some preps like this one which will send most of their pupils to boarding schools but the majority send pupils to a mixture of day and boarding. The 13+ preps especially boys and outside of London are more likely to send their pupils to boarding schools,

I had a thread a few weeks ago about boarding positive and negative which went CRAZY ! Very entertaining hmmm but what I got from it was some very positive notes from boarding parents as neither my sons father or myself boarded and my son is very keen to. This week he did his 24 hours over night to meet some boys he will be with and he took to it like I couldn't believe - he can't wait to go. For some kids it's great for some not so much - good luck op you'll know whether it's right for your two soon enough .

More pros: you don't have to stand at the school gate twice a day with other hideous parents, lovely long holidays, boarding can be great if you work long hours or odd shifts patterns, your child is being cared for by experience trained capable individuals rather than say an au pair with limited English training knowledge of children (of course the very long holidays are difficult if you work), lots of outside space, our prep was set in 30 acres and was two minutes from the beach it has a swimming pool outdoor play area, trees to climb etc, staff are available to help every evening, great for the sporty, most schools do games at least three times a week often more so plenty of time to practice, the day is more broken up so might feel less intense.
More cons: you have to pick them up at times which might not suit you e.g. Friday lunch time on an exeat. HM's are usually key figures in a boarding child's life this can be difficult if your DC doesn't get on with them, boarders do get very tired, around exam time it can get very intense and claustrophobic, (speaking from personal experience here) flu D and V etc goes round lots very quickly, even if the meals are great it's still mass catering.

Thanks

The 3 prep schools nearest us are really quite defined in terms of their destination schools - one is 90% boarding, one is 95% day (the one we like most) and one is a proper mix (but I don't think its culture would suit DD).

Gruach thank you. I will definitely do that - when I get time!

happy thanks. I think I would really struggle with not knowing what DD is up to day to day. However DD might prefer it!

schbittery fair enough, I've been accused of sounding cold on MN before - I find it hard to switch out of lawyer mode especially as I'm posting at work

The prep my DD went to very much focuses on boarding schools -and most parents selected it for that reason. Other Preps had a different focus - the 11 plus. If you want Eton - some Preps would barely know where to start and only go up to 11. So, yes it does matter which you choose. The personality of your DDs will guide you and how you develop a relationship with them over the years to come. Is it dependent upon you seeing them every day?

You have time on your side. All
Prep schools have children that leave and go as day pupils. Lots of boarding schools take day pupils. A good prep will guide you and you will know, in the end, what will work for your family,

The only thing I would say though, is that if you are somewhat non conformist in your ethos and beliefs, be wary of very conformist schools. Neither you or your DDs will fit in. You have to go along with the views of the school or you will be unhappy. Boarding schools attract quite similar people who ultimately expect their children to go along with the ethos of the school and schools never waver so do your homework when you finally come to choose.

You cannot be an over controlling helicopter parent if your child is at boarding school. You have to trust others to do a good job.
I'm a slack parent do it suits me but it's not for everyone.

Sadly most boarding schools when you strip away the surface veneer are very conformist in their ethos so bojorojo is right do your homework carefully and try and find one that suits you're ethos what ever it might be.

Boarding school wasn't on our radar at all until our eldest was 8 and we were forced to look at choirschools :) She is about to change to senior school and has insisted on continuing boarding.

Her brother is at a day school that sends to a wide variety - like so many areas outside London there are a small number of local senior school choices and a significant number of good boarding options within easy driving distance. At almost 11 we are in the midst of senior school choices, but it is still difficult to assess day or boarding for him and I wish we could put it all on hold for another year! If it wasn't for his sister boarding we probably wouldn't have considered it for him though.

I think you need to feel comfortable with your prep school first and foremost. Moving once during prep isn't silly if it becomes appropriate - we really don't know that much about how our children will turn out when deciding where they will start school!!

Being at school "7:30-18:00" and then having to get home, is exactly what makes me like the sound of boarding to be honest!

Thanks again, I am reading and absorbing

"7:30-18:00" was door to door in our case. i.e my ds will leave the house with us in the morning (same time as now to get to primary school) and be home on average by 18:00 if he has an aftershcool club which, knowing him, he will do every day, earlier if not. By the time he gets home he will have done his homework, hopefully, and can spend the evening relaxing with us or socialising with siblings or friends. That's what works for us as a working family as I don't want to see him for just a few hours at the weekend (plays sports weekend mornings) - all details that will become apparent as they get older.

My DD chose to become a flexible/weekly boarder when she moved from prep to secondary school. It's not for everyone but she wanted to go this school and a weekly boarding place was the only option. She goes to school on Monday morning, comes home on Weds evening, back to school on Thursday and then home again Sat lunchtime. It works for us.

I was a day pupil at a boarding school in the 70/80s and I having seen that harsh, unforgiving environment at work, I had sworn I wouldn't send my children boarding. Can I just stress the boarding in 2016 is nothing like my prior experiences!!

DD is now in Y8 and is in the junior girls boarding house. She shares a room with 1 other girl. The boarding house is well appointed, the girls gave a large common room, basic kitchen facilities (making toasties is a favourite) and there a great sense if camaraderie amongst the girls.

She has access to a host of after school activities, sports sessions, music ensembles, choir, debating club etc and there a one hour supervised prep session every weekday evening. Friday nights are special - a movie night in the common room or a trip out to the cinema and are much enjoyed by all.

She's very happy - of course she loves coming home but she's also happy at school. We text every day & we get calls or FaceTime if she's not too busy.

Good pastoral care and communication with home is key. Last year there were a few friendship wobbles (common for Y7 girls) but this was managed very well - DD had school support as well as our support at home. We certainly haven't outsourced our parenting!