Pros and cons of boarding vs day?

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DDs are only 3 and 1 so a bit daft to be thinking about secondary, but we are thinking about primary/prep schools (private) for them and some are more boarding focused whereas others are more day school focused. So it would be helpful to have an idea which is likely to be our preference. DH boarded, I didn't, we both enjoyed our experience. We can afford either.

So far I can think of the following pros and cons of boarding vs day - but am aware some of these may be misapprehensions. Also some may be"fixed" if we did weekly boarding?:

Pros

• Saves the commute. We are London based and any secondary will involve at least 45 mins each way. So less tiring (DD gets tired easily) and allows more time for homework, extra curricular etc

• More choice. There aren't many day schools near us, DDs may not get in to the super selective ones, the ones they get into may not fit well etc. This is a biggie.

• Less arguing/nagging over homework and revision (I hope?)

Cons:

• Less visibility of what your child is doing - eg if they are unhappy in some way or not doing their work properly you might not know if the school doesn't pick it up. I would struggle with this I think

• Less chance to have out of school friends/activities, which I think can be helpful in times of school friendship difficulties

• Perhaps less close to your child in the end? (controversial!) less influence over how they grow up? (equally controversial!)

• Perhaps a more traditional ethos which we wouldn't fit with (we are not religious, I am a WOHM and feminist, we don't follow many traditions) but guess this depends on the particular school

Can anyone add to this list or disagree with any of my list...?

Thanks

Creme glad your DD is happy and I do think weekly/flexi boarding and modern technology must make a huge difference to the boarding experience. In fact I slightly wonder if today's DC are more likely to talk to their parents if it is via text or Facetime rather than old fashioned face to face

Another pro cane when we started uni.

Anyone complaining of being 'homesick' was invariably an ex-day pupil. Pah.

I would just pitch in to say that 3 and 1 is far too early to say whether they would suit boarding or day unless you have already made up your mind.

It is not true to say there are no pros for boarding. Equally it isn't for everyone.

At their age I would be looking for a school which you are confident can give them a good shot at any school (i.e. as a pp said a wide range of options) I would say boarding works out well for the DCs who choose it , or for whom the school was an obvious fit, not because it was convenient.

Agree with GetofftheSofa and other similar previous posts. Choose a school that keeps options open as it would be sad if your DDs felt that boarding was inevitable rather than an active choice by them with you when you / they look round schools.
If a DC has the personality to enjoy boarding (sociable, likes being active etc) then the major con of boarding as far as I am concerned is the parents missing the DCs.

Some people can be damaged by boarding

Some people who are currently in the public eye who I would not want my children to grow up to be like were boarding (e.g. Jeremy Clarkson, Boris Johnson, George Osbourne etc.)

Boarding for the right girl at the right school is probably the best gift you can give your daughter during her teens years. If she is shy lacked confidence ( mine was not only bullied by some of her class but also her form tutor in primary). If it is the right school they can rebuild her confidence. She is with her friends which she loves. When she comes back to HK (At least 3 times a year plus the odd half term) the atmosphere is less tense. She is happy. I can't see where people can get on their high horse and say we as parents are not involved. The use of facetime is not only used to talk face to face with my daughter at weekends but also to talk with teachers and boarding staff.

The cons ...she does have wobbles here and there.

eyebrowse - Not sure George Osborne would have boarded - possibly the odd flexi day but - AFAIK he was St Paul's. .

SPS used to have over 180 boarders when George was there, so he might have boarded. There are plenty of prats in the public eye who no one would want their DC's to emulate who've never set a foot in a boarding school.

My sister was a boarder she said the feeling of rejection was unforgivable

There are no pro's for children

Don't do it

People who hated boarding school are less likely to talk about it - especially as they tend to be deeply emotional about it. And even more so if they are in "pro-boarding" company.
I wouldn't talk about being bullied lightly in conversation.

If your children board you will know less about what is going on in their lives.

Your children are far too young for you to have a clue what kinds of people they will be. You can move prep school if you change your mind. You can also move house if distance really is an issue. Nothing about school is as set in stone as it can sometimes seem.

We seriously considered boarding for our DC.

The pros for us would have been more choice, no travelling to school, easy access to extra curricular.

However the cons were just too great for us.

The obvious one is being apart. Trust me, this comes soon enough. Mine have almost finished lower sixth. They'll go to university in October 2017.

It is especially important to watch teens during those years. They're very vulnerable. As a parent I want to see for myself what's going on with them.

Another con for me is the lack of flexibility. Even worse in full boarding schools. Kind of the opposite of real life. Spending more time within an institution than without seems to me the wrong environment for humans.

I am another of the instinctively anti boarding camp, but I'll try to present a few rational points based on experience rather than rant.

Firstly, I didn't board but I was the sibling of boarders (I was five when my elder brother went). There's the fact that both my brothers are deeply scared by it, have seen therapists for this reason, have a damaged relationship with our parents (to the extent of moving abroad) and now feel no obligations to them in their old age (with the argument that they were packed off to a horrible institution with terrible food, so what's wrong with a old people's home?). However, my point isn't that, it's that the siblings that are left behind don't ever seem to get talked about when discussing this. It's really horrible suddenly being on your own at home during term time. It felt like an abandonment for me as well as for him.

Secondly, I have a child who's in y7. A few days ago he came home upset that he hadn't been invited to another child's party. We talked about it, I gave him a hug, and he understood that these things happen and not to take it too personally. It's a small example of the sort of daily support that we give him that he needs just as much, if not more, now he's in secondary.

Lastly, while 45 minutes isn't an enormous commute, I can't believe that in London there wouldn't be a nearer school. We're in a bit of London with no private schools and yet it's still a quicker journey than that to get to his secondary. The traffic is an irrelevance as they travel on their own (in general). To my surprise, he loves his train journey.

I was a day pupil at a boarding school and most weekends I took quite a few friends home with me who would otherwise have been left there. My parents were happy to have a houseful so it was fine. I am still in touch with quite a few people from those days and most of them have " issues" around relationships, although most are also quite successful as well.
I also have a friend with a son at boarding school who was supposed to be a weekly boarder but doesn't want to come home. For many children they see it as abandonment so don't be surprised if they choose to " abandon" the parents too.
It's not something I could ever do, although I appreciate that in a VERY few circumstances it's the right thing for the child, for example one of my friends parents were military and moved several times a year so major disruption to a child's education and another friends parents lived somewhere unsafe. However, in those circumstances I would change whatever I needed to to keep my children with me. And if a child of mine asked to go to boarding school I would be asking where I had gone wrong
Obviously there are benefits for the parents but not really in my opinion for the child.

The only pupils left at boarding schools now are the overseas ones. Keeping my children with me 24/7 was not a need for me. I wanted to do what was right for them and my needs were secondary. I did not want to helicopter their every move. Nothing has gone wrong necessarily with children who want to board. They are often adventurous, want loads of activities and are gregarious. I looked at my children, not at myself.

No boarder these days thinks they have abandoned. That is totally outdated. Flexi boarding is just sleeping in a different bed for 4 nights a week. It really is no big deal and lots of people comment who have no idea about boarding in the 21st century.

Very few children board, so it clearly does not suit the majority but it suits some. My older child did not necessarily want to come home all the time. School had great things on offer and she loved it. Why does that make us failures? She is not remotely scarred by boarding. She enjoyed it and has a huge number of lifelong friends. Only last night we were looing through her old school magazines and laughing at her articles and pictures. It is only parents on MN who judge other parents so harshly.

bojo your generalisations are silly.

Of course there are DC who feel abandoned. Frankly some of them are correct to feel that way. I know some parents who couldn't wait to be shot if their DC.

And if course there are more than just overseas students who full board. Not every boarding school offers flexi boarding. Many are still full boarding, more still are weekly up to Saturday afternoon so only Saturday night is spent at home.

Keeping my children with me 24/7 was not a need for me. I wanted to do what was right for them and my needs were secondary. I did not want to helicopter their every move.

They won't be with the parents 24/7 having their every move helicoptered in a day school either.

"Keeping my children with me 24/7 was not a need for me. I wanted to do what was right for them and my needs were secondary. I did not want to helicopter their every move."

Nope. Not a need for me, either. And neither did I.

".It is only parents on MN who judge other parents so harshly."

Says the woman who posted about "helicopter parents"!

Outside of MN it's more controversial. My DCs have three cousins at BS and 2/3 of my dcs have had stints boarding, one unsuccessfully. I'm not generally a fan and always prefaced my dcs going there with explanations and always got a grilling.

"The only pupils left at boarding schools now are overseas ones"
At DS's school where all 700 full board less than 20% are from "overseas" I suspect it's a similar figure for similar big name boys boarding schools.
"I would change whatever I needed too"
This is not possible for a start I don't believe that any parent however dedicated can offer the opportunities that some boarding schools offer. Secondly DS2's school is pretty unique in many ways, boarding is one of the things that contributes to this uniqueness.
"And if a child of mine asked to go to a boarding school I would ask where I'd gone wrong"
My DS asked to go. I work with children and see many children where sadly their relationship with their parents has "gone very wrong" (nearly all are at day school), as my DS approached his final days at his boarding school I am very proud that I can say with utmost certainty that the relationship we as parents have with him has not "gone wrong" in fact the complete opposite, am delighted to say that it has gone very right.
Coffee I sadly see quite a few "deeply scarred children in "therapy", their problems do stem from their parents behaviour but none have boarded, we have quite a friends who've boarded, now middle aged, none are deeply scarred they are just like you and I they have their faults and their strengths but none are deeply scarred. A couple friends who are deeply scarred by the childhood never set foot in a boarding school.
Don't get me wrong I'm not saying some children aren't deeply scarred by boarding but many are not, boarding is an easy hook to hang your hat on when it comes to looking for explanations for dysfunctional emotions and behaviours.
In my now very extensive professional experience children who are secure and are part of a well adjusted happy loving families who are also happy at their boarding schools and feel cared for do not find boarding scarring.
I'm going to try and not contribute any more to this pointless debate because it doesn't matter what I say and even if I could produce data showing that hundreds of children thrive in boarding schools in the 21st century and have excellent relationships with their parents many in here will not have it.

Yes the idea that it's boarding school versus 24/7 supervision makes me .

As if 99% of parents helicopter their DC and the only antidote is not to sleep in the same house as them .

Bertrand IME most parents what to do "what's right" for their children, I listened to four sets of parents yesterday who were desperate to do the "right" thing, all were approaching things differently, but what right and works for one may not be right and work for another but this doesn't mean that one is wrong and one is right.

Thanks everyone, more interesting reading. It's good to get some reasoned views.

GetaHaircut I think you have summed up my current feelings (your 09.23 post).

Coffee yes there are nearer secondary schools. But I wouldn't want to have to choose a school for the DDs just because it was the closest, iyswim.

Again, I think the conclusion is that we will go for the prep school we like most - the one which sends 95% to day schools - and revisit the situation when DD is 8 or 9. Which was, with hindsight, the sensible answer from the start..

I'm going to try and not contribute any more to this pointless debate because it doesn't matter what I say and even if I could produce data showing that hundreds of children thrive in boarding schools in the 21st century and have excellent relationships with their parents many in here will not have it.

Will you be hiding the entire Education topic in a week and a half HG?

happy you say many 'on here' as if MN were a weird subset of society.

The truth is that the vast majority of parents consider boarding school something that they positively do not want for their DC.

And some of those who do end up choosing it for their DC admit that it is an imperfect solution to their educational needs.

Heaven save us from those ( frankly few) parents who refuse to even engage with the very idea that it might not be ideal. I suspect some of those parents wouldn't spot a problem if it came and bit them on the arse.

FWIW I'm not rabidly anti boarding. Indeed we considered it. But the OP asked for pros and cons. And for us, the pro of what was on offer at the school did not outweigh the con of the effect on family life ( as we wish it to be).