Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Ds (16) started boarding 2 weeks ago, begging to come back. WTF do we do?

91 replies

ErnesttheBavarian · 27/09/2015 07:54

He was miserable at his school. Talking a lot of dropping out altogether before he has ANY qualifications. This year he will do his GCSE equivalent. Then has 2 more years to do his A Level equivalent.

He was so miserable I suggested we look at alternatives. He rejected the idea of another school in nearby town (20 minute train ride)

We visited 3 boarding schools. He liked 1 best. We left him to choose. He spent 2 weeks deciding, so not rushed decision. He chose the 1st boarding school.

(He unfortunately was told that if it goes tits up, ha can always return to his old school - gah)

So day 2 he texts dh, he hates it, he wants to come home. DAY 2 !!!

We contact the head of the boarding and also his 'Adult who looks after him', lets call him Bob. Ist weekend back he says he hates it and cannot return. We tell him he has to try fgs, and also school and studying and clubs not kicked in, nd next week will be v. different etc.

This week Bob emails us and says he thinks he'll be ok. He's joined in and done loads of stuff. He's just very shy and reserved but it'll be ok. We think phew, it's getting better. He comes home Friday and insists he will not go back and wants to return to his old school, which now he realises, is brilliant. Or at least, if he has a shit day he can come home and be happy here.

I really don't know what to do or how to handle it. Part of me - don't want son to be unhappy. Other part of me, v disappointed he chucks in the towel after 2 days and has no persistence and wants to chop and change in an important school year.

OP posts:

BrendaandEddie · 27/09/2015 07:55

Why is he boarding ?!

DylanNells · 27/09/2015 07:56

Yes what is it he doesn't like? The lessons or the boarding?

Lweji · 27/09/2015 07:58

I'd insist he keeps at it at least until Christmas.

It sounds to me, though, that schooling is his problem, as he wanted to drop out and dragged his feet regarding school.
He needs motivation.

BrendaandEddie · 27/09/2015 07:58

Boarding is miserable. Get him back

AngelaRipp0n · 27/09/2015 08:03

What made you thinking that a child who is reserved and miserable at school would find boarding anything other than much worse? My eldest has always found it hard to fit in and is only now enjoying school at 16. Home has been her sanctuary, but your ds hasn't got that, I think you've mad a big mistake although I'm sure you thought it was he right thing.

Maybe he just needs to off load how he feels and might be more able to get on with it if he feels listened to, it doesn't sound like you've been that sympathetic.

Gruach · 27/09/2015 08:05

He unfortunately was told that if it goes tits up, ha can always return to his old school - gah) Yeah ...

What are his concrete reasons? Other than "hates it"?

What made him miserable at his previous school? Is he going to be unhappy in any school?

Yellowpansies · 27/09/2015 08:06

If he has GCSE equivalent this year, does that mean he's half way through a 2 year course? If so, it might be easier academically at least to move him back now to the old school. At least he'll have been studying the same courses. If he's had to switch into different syllabuses I'd have thought that would be hard in some subjects.

And if he's a shy child who doesn't much like any school a boarding school's going to be tough. What is it be doesn't like? The other kids or the learning?

Original poster

ErnesttheBavarian · 27/09/2015 08:08

He was miserable in his old school. Shit grades. Doing no work. He ran away once and tried to run away a second time soon after. He wanted to drop school altogether. We spoke about various solutions. He wanted to try boarding. Get away from home and mum and dad, have a adventure etc etc. He reckons he has loads of friends but he only ever hangs out with the one that lives close by. It's only become very apparent he is so withdrawn now based on this. He would deny it but clearly it's been a problem.

I think dh thinks it won't get better, let him come home now. I think he needs to try.

His old school wasn't working for him. So will it continue to not work, or will this experience make him realise it's not so bad after all.

His new school seems to be OK: He's complaining that he's bored and there's nothing to do. At the same time as complaining he has no free time. He doesn't like the people. They are all idiots. Apparently.

OP posts:

Original poster

ErnesttheBavarian · 27/09/2015 08:11

He's not half way through a 2 year course and his new school has exactly the same curriculum and everything. That seems to be interchangeable. I think I have been sympathetic. Dh has been even more so, but basically dh sympathy has given him the idea that he can just come straight back, which I think has compounded the problem, inasmuch as he thinks he doesn't need to and therefore isn't trying.

OP posts:

Gruach · 27/09/2015 08:12

Shit grades. Doing no work.

Why?

Spartans · 27/09/2015 08:13

Do you think he hasn't really given it a try? Is that the issue?

How you handle it depends on what you think the issue is. What made him miserable at the old school? Do you think he really doesn't like it, he is likely to be 'hating' the old school again if he goes back there with a week?

Is he a 'grass is greener' type person?

If so I would set a time scale and tell him he needs to attend until that date and then decide.

He really can't just keep chopping and changing schools on a whim.

Spartans · 27/09/2015 08:15

What's your ds' solution?

He says he isn't going back, so what is he suggesting that he does instead? A new school or the old one?

Lweji · 27/09/2015 08:15

Have you talked to the gp, get counselling?
It seems a problem beyond what school he is in.

Gruach · 27/09/2015 08:19

As Lweji says, there must be a reason for his disaffection.

Sex, drugs, thinks he should be a rock n roll star? What's going on in his head?

tribpot · 27/09/2015 08:22

Yes, I agree with Lweji, school doesn't seem to be the cause of the problem but a symptom. If he wants to drop out with no qualifications, it doesn't seem to be because he has a burning ambition to pursue, is he afraid to fail? Is he actually have problems doing the school work or just applying himself? Would he be better off being tutored so you can find out exactly what the problem with school work is?

His boarding school should have seen children before who have a hard time settling in, what do they suggest?

viewwater · 27/09/2015 08:23

I would suggest to him that he needs to think of what he will change to make his old school work and also research other alternatives such as college and courses. You will then discuss over the halfterm holiday and reach a decision. Let him know that he can't base his alternatives on comparing negatives but needs to think of what he wants from the next couple of years. At the moment it sounds as though the boarding school routine of making him participate is uncomfortable for him but may be beneficial even if just for the short term. .

Original poster

ErnesttheBavarian · 27/09/2015 08:33

Head of boarding says in his many years experience, as soon as they think/know they can just go back the it never works and there is no hope ! But Bob says he thinks it will be ok (before ds comes back resolute he will not return.

His main ambition seems to be to rule the world, and talks in detail of his military campaign. He has talked about joining the army, but if a relatively comfortable boarding school is too much for him I can't see how that will work out....

I think he lacks motivations and self discipline. I mean he's 16. I don't blame him for that. But the fixed and supervised study time was going to help with that. He is clever but never comes remotely close to his potential . the teacher's a idiot, the lessons are boring, he hands in work done at 11 pm too late etc etc. The boarding option was supposed to 'fix' a lot of the problems. It has not/is not working, so he wants to go back, but I just see the same old problems and no solutions.

OP posts:

BrendaandEddie · 27/09/2015 08:35

Ernest - is he ok? The military campaign sounds a bit.. odd

Do you think you should get him checked over?

BrendaandEddie · 27/09/2015 08:36

his kind of depression/superiority thing is worthy of attention

Sorry, I don't know him OBV but I would seek help if I did know you and you told me that

NorksAreMessy · 27/09/2015 08:39

DS lasted precisely one week at boarding school.
It was something he really wanted to do, he is a motivated and hard worker but and grown disenchanted with his school and wanted a sort of transition towards living more independently.
But he really really hated it.
Because it was only a week, he managed to slot back into his old school with a renewed enthusiasm and appreciation of what he had. Despite the lost cost (!) I still think it was actually a brilliant thing to have happened to him.mit shook him out of his complacency and made him more determined to work hard.

But, that was my DS, not yours.
What does your DS think the solution to his problems is?

HeteronormativeHaybales · 27/09/2015 08:39

This is Germany, right? So he's y11 now (not sure whether you have G8 or 9 in Bavaria)?

Boarding schools in Germany (again, if this is Germany - I am just assuming it is this or a similar system) are quite strongly associated with pursuing an 'alternative' educational path in some way - either in terms of the ethos of the school, for specialisation, or for students disaffected or turned off by the mainstream system in some way. So they are usually (or should be) quite good at coping with settling-in troubles and pupils who don't know what they want. Are you happy with the support Bob is giving him?

I do think there may be something in what viewwater says, that the enforced participation of boarding school life may be making him unhappy. But the increased support and supervision may be preferable, for him in his current state of seemingly not having much in the way of intrinsic motivation, to the rather sink-or-swim experience of a mainstream Gymnasium.

I might agree with BrendaandEddie, tbh, if his experience of his other school hadn't been so negative and all-wrong - but in the context I think he does need to try, at least for a bit. A return to the old school would need to be accompanied by a careful plan on his part (initiated by him) to make the most of his education there.

What are his aptitudes/abilities in general? Is he academic, or might he be interested in leaving after y11 and finding an apprenticeship (which certainly wouldn't bar the path to university in the medium to long term - some of my best students when I taught in HE were those who had had vocational training and worked for a while first)?

LIZS · 27/09/2015 08:40

Is this outside UK still? Does he have to come home every weekend , are there activities over the weekend which would help him settle. IMHO he is finding it hard to integrate and using excuses to avoid admitting it. As to work he needs to learn by making mistakes, are the staff sanctioning late homework etc.

Original poster

ErnesttheBavarian · 27/09/2015 08:42

I started a thread about him when he ran away as I was so worried. I was asked then about his dreams etc.

I mentioned that he was a fantasist and the military campaign and him wanting to live in a jungle, no needed any money (and therefore qualifications, foraging for food etc) When I said he was a fantasist I was shot down for basically ridiculing his dreams, no being supportive, not encouraging his ambitions etc.

What goes on in his head is a mystery to me. He ha an sas book on survival, loads of camping equipment he has bought. I worry about him running off again. He just seems so unsettled. He thought the boarding school would be a new adventure. But it's just boring.

His best f goes to a rangers/scouts type thing but it's quite evangelical Christian so he won't go there, but otherwise seems to be exactly what he would enjoy. Can't see anything else like it.

OP posts:

BrendaandEddie · 27/09/2015 08:43

this just sounds a bit odd Ernest. I would go to the Doctor. I might be alone in this idea.

MajesticWhine · 27/09/2015 08:43

Don't let him leave, not yet. Back track on the he can return to his old school idea. He was unhappy in the last school, so that's not really a solution. I think settling into a school can take up to a year. So chopping and changing so quickly is not giving him a chance, also it sends him a message that he can't cope with new things.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread