Ds (16) started boarding 2 weeks ago, begging to come back. WTF do we do?

[ErnesttheBavarian]

He was miserable at his school. Talking a lot of dropping out altogether before he has ANY qualifications. This year he will do his GCSE equivalent. Then has 2 more years to do his A Level equivalent.

He was so miserable I suggested we look at alternatives. He rejected the idea of another school in nearby town (20 minute train ride)

We visited 3 boarding schools. He liked 1 best. We left him to choose. He spent 2 weeks deciding, so not rushed decision. He chose the 1st boarding school.

(He unfortunately was told that if it goes tits up, ha can always return to his old school - gah)

So day 2 he texts dh, he hates it, he wants to come home. DAY 2 !!!

We contact the head of the boarding and also his 'Adult who looks after him', lets call him Bob. Ist weekend back he says he hates it and cannot return. We tell him he has to try fgs, and also school and studying and clubs not kicked in, nd next week will be v. different etc.

This week Bob emails us and says he thinks he'll be ok. He's joined in and done loads of stuff. He's just very shy and reserved but it'll be ok. We think phew, it's getting better. He comes home Friday and insists he will not go back and wants to return to his old school, which now he realises, is brilliant. Or at least, if he has a shit day he can come home and be happy here.

I really don't know what to do or how to handle it. Part of me - don't want son to be unhappy. Other part of me, v disappointed he chucks in the towel after 2 days and has no persistence and wants to chop and change in an important school year.

Had yet another long talk. Dh seems to empathise totally with him on the feeling uncomfortable in BS (dh won't get an au pair cos he hates the idea of someone being in our house & dh hates talking to people he doesn't feel comfortable with) so the bottom line is ds has insisted he will not stay there. Dh has agreed.

We have not agreed to him automatically returning to his old school. There is an IS here, but it is super expensive and a long journey, and not got great reputation. there is a bi-lingual school, also expensive, he isn't keen but we will look into it.

We have said if he goes back to old school he has to have German tutoring and enrol in at least 1 sports club. And dh can phone the old school. I'm not doing it. Am super pissed off.

I do think the 3rd culture kid thing makes a lot of sense. But I think we've done a reasonable job of making him feel British. We go there school holidays (though the last couple of times he has chosen to stay at home rather than come). Interesting about the german culture. maybe we need to encourage that more. I might even encourage him to get a job or something where he has contact with people. I never made an effort with that as I thought it would come naturally being in a German school with German kids iyswim.

I really don't think he is depressed and I see no hint that he is gong to turn into a mass murderer just cos he's too lazy to get off his arse to get the bus to the next village where most of his classmates live. I don't think his interest in SAS survival stuff is unhealthy or weird either. How many people watch Bear Gryllis (God knows why) and similar crap? They are not all mass murderers in the making. He's a bored fickle stroppy teen on the cusp of adulthood but restrained by school and circumstance.

Annoying yes. Depressed mass murdering lunatic, no.

So your ds and your dh made the decision then? Together...without you?

Yes, the dynamics of this family decision making seem all wrong. I'm surprised that the boarding school didn't prepare you better, particularly (I would have thought) for the need for the parents to present a united front in the face of settling in wobbles. Your DH was clearly never that supportive of the plan and has caved at the first hint of trouble.

It sounds as if introversion runs in the family. A boarding school was unlikely to be an environment he could settle into comfortably.

Why is he not keen on the international school? Let's face it, he's not keen on anything. If he's going to sabotage anywhere you send him, what's the solution? What about the army, as suggested up thread?

Why would he be forced to do a sport? That sounds almost Victorian. I let the children choose what if any clubs they want to do. Some do none at all which is fine (as time alone thinking is as good for many teenagers as time being a rugger bugger) and others do a lot. Why force this boy into a mould which is not him?

He isn't keen on IS because it's also an unknown and he would again be new buoyant have difficulty making friends, and because all he wants to do is go back to the old school.

I want him to choose a sports club because he is quite active and I want him to have contact with German kids. If I leave him to choose his own free time activities it means sitting in his room watching bloody netflicks for 8 hours if his english friend is not available. He might be 16, but I'm still his mum, and for me that's not ok.

Presumably you've reminded him that He was miserable in his old school. Shit grades. Doing no work. He ran away once and tried to run away a second time soon after. He wanted to drop school altogether.

Something's got to change and I think you're right to want to be stricter with him in terms of integrating with the German kids and watching some German TV etc. However, this is doomed to failure again if your DH is not on the same page. He seems to just go along with whatever ds is saying he wants at a given moment? And then you're left picking up the pieces of whatever new agreement they've come to without consulting you.

Ernest you sound as though you are being frustrated in your attempts to doing your best to be a supportive mother at this difficult time for your DS Your DH needs to realise that your DS has the opportunity to learn better strategies for integration and enjoying life. That would be true whatever the reason for his present angst including if he has tendencies to ASD-like social inhibitions He will be taken out of his comfort zone but your DH should follow-through plans that the two of you agree and be firm since the potential rewards for your DS would be worth it.

You sound a bit railroaded, Ernest, by your ds and dh. I also thought it was interesting that your ds has chosen to not go on your UK holiday with you the last couple of times - so, assuming you go annually, since he was 14? That's a lot of choice for a young boy, and I am beginning to wonder whether he has had too much choice altogether iyswim. In this case my instinct would be to put my foot down all the more to insist he stays put for now. It's not going to be easier to regulate his life when he is coming home at 1pm (find it a bit odd that he only had one longer day a week - my y5 Gymnasium already has 5 days until 1pm and AIUI the timetable increases every year from there on in) and it may be hard to achieve compliance with attending that sports club (and what would be the consequence if he doesn't go? You can hardly then send him back to the BS). At least if it's Bob/the BS environment forcing him to join in stuff, you are out of the position of being bad cop/enemy.

Is he 16 going on 17 or just 16? If the former, he must have repeated a year at some point (?) Might that be contributing to the friends situation?

'Running away' is, I think, a factor here in more ways than one. If he'd gone to BS as a positive choice, because you or he were interested in the school's ethos or specialism or whatever, and he was miserable I might well be saying oh yes, pull him out. But going there was an escape, a 'running away' from his life as it was (and, of course, a hope for positive change), and I can't help thinking that leaving would be 'running away' again - perpetuating the pattern he's got stuck in, and chiming with the theme set by his survival ideas (and I agree that leaping to 'potential mass murderer', as some posters have been doing, is a bit extreme, but I also see where those views are coming from iyswim). It seems that overall he has got into a very avoidant pattern of living and doing (or not doing) things, and it's that which needs to be broken through more than anything else. I would be insisting he stays put, seeking psychological assessment asap (can happen in the half term break perhaps) and looking into arranging ongoing support/counselling for him there.

I'd say he'd benefit from some counselling, as someone who benefits from counselling myself. I often struggle socially - we suspect our whole family has AS, to be honest - and if he is anything like me, I can imagine boarding school is relentless. But part of being a teenager is having your lazy arse kicked, because you need it a bit. Some comes from parents, some comes from the school. Your DH sees himself in your son, which is a mixed blessing, I'd say.

Can you arrange a meeting with your son at his current school before you do more, so it's all in place rather than by phone, arranged with Dad? So all three of you meet in a room and discuss a plan of action. Home, with counselling, sports clubs, other chances to pursue interests and minimal vegging would be my choice. But whatever happens, you and DH have to have worked out what the options are rather than having it dictated by your son, because I'm not sure he's in the healthiest place at the moment, from the sound of things. I don't think that means he's going to turn into a mass murderer, I think it's likely to lead him to dissatisfaction and underachievement.

He needs someone on his side, outside the family, to speak to (counsellor, not teacher). He needs as many chances as possible to feel better about himself and engage positively with other young people. How about horse riding? It's outdoorsy, it looks initially as if you just sit there and he'll end up speaking to people but not showering with the team or anything unconscionable...

We go to UK most (not all) school holidays, so maybe 4 times a year (never really added it up). last time we went we'd had a 3 week summer holiday elsewhere and we were flying there from Germany via London. So we just broke our return journey in London. Ds said he's already been away from home for 3 weeks and didn't want to be away for longer so asked not to come, so he flew directly back with dh (who had to get back to work). I thought it was a reasonable request. He did similar last year. Again, I think ok. He has just turned 16.

Last year he only had 1 pm school pw. This year it's probably 2. (It is 2 in his current school).

Dh felt that when he is so vehemently against it, there was no chance of it succeeding, and tbh, I agree with that. He is such a mule. And I'd agree with the ASD type behaviour, which I think is also very dh, and dh felt very strongly (only once he was in situ and complaining mind). Maybe the reality of other people hadn't really occurred to either of them before that? I am therefore thinking that the only chance of success is returning him to his old school, with strict agreements (tutoring etc for German and sports club) so he doesn't go back to the same situation exactly.

I feel yes pretty angry and frustrated by the whole thing. But hopeful that maybe he, like a couple of others have said on this thread, comes back and realises it wasn't so bad now he's seen the alternative, and buckles down and gets on with it.

The German system has a lot of positives, but, unless you are home full time, speak perfect German and love tutoring your own child it's bloody difficult.

Mind you, I was a difficult teen, dh was a nightmare, and we have both survived and done ok, so I'll hold onto that

I'm making dh do the calls though.

It sounds as if your DS doesn't fit in anywhere at present and has lost any faith in his ability to belong to a group/culture/society.

Your last post sounds sensible and as you say you and your husband turned out all right. Preserving a relationship with your son for life is probably a better result than alienating him and forcing him to stay at boarding school, even if his grades end up a bit worse. A lot of teenagers are like your son. It is just a phase and they come out of it the other end when they go to university (or start work).

Op if your ds was my son I would be looking at an asd assessment , private if necessary to speed it up.

I have long since thought my 3rd son has aspergers or similar. They both have AD(H)D, but I think that now that this dx has been made, that's it, case closed. Plus both are high functioning I guess, and don't tick every box, so my concerns have been poo pooed. Anyway, I'll speak to the school social person once he's been re-enrolled (assuming that won't be a problem...)

You've got me thinking maybe I should try again. TBH only really thought of this re ds2 not ds1 but in view of this It's something to consider. Thanks.

God, I can sing a song (as they say here) about the bloody German system, and I WFH, do speak perfect German (got a doctorate in it) and, while 'love' is a bit extreme, am perfectly happy with tutoring my child. It's still been pretty much my nemesis at times. Have negotiated with aplomb dealings with the Finanzamt, various employers, the police (as the victim of crime, I hasten to stress!), goodness knows what other Ämter and authorities, but school, I really have to pull myself together to deal with. So empathy in spades

Good luck with it all - has ds been told yet?

Hope your ds gets the support he needs to finish his education Ernest. I am not a doctor and obviously you cannot diagnose someone from
snippets online. However from what you post, your ds reminds me very much of my teenage dd who has asd. She is very high functioning and her asd was not picked up until she was 15.