Ds (16) started boarding 2 weeks ago, begging to come back. WTF do we do?

[ErnesttheBavarian]

He was miserable at his school. Talking a lot of dropping out altogether before he has ANY qualifications. This year he will do his GCSE equivalent. Then has 2 more years to do his A Level equivalent.

He was so miserable I suggested we look at alternatives. He rejected the idea of another school in nearby town (20 minute train ride)

We visited 3 boarding schools. He liked 1 best. We left him to choose. He spent 2 weeks deciding, so not rushed decision. He chose the 1st boarding school.

(He unfortunately was told that if it goes tits up, ha can always return to his old school - gah)

So day 2 he texts dh, he hates it, he wants to come home. DAY 2 !!!

We contact the head of the boarding and also his 'Adult who looks after him', lets call him Bob. Ist weekend back he says he hates it and cannot return. We tell him he has to try fgs, and also school and studying and clubs not kicked in, nd next week will be v. different etc.

This week Bob emails us and says he thinks he'll be ok. He's joined in and done loads of stuff. He's just very shy and reserved but it'll be ok. We think phew, it's getting better. He comes home Friday and insists he will not go back and wants to return to his old school, which now he realises, is brilliant. Or at least, if he has a shit day he can come home and be happy here.

I really don't know what to do or how to handle it. Part of me - don't want son to be unhappy. Other part of me, v disappointed he chucks in the towel after 2 days and has no persistence and wants to chop and change in an important school year.

Phew lots of thoughts!

He left the UK when he was 16 months, so he hasn't been ripped from his English culture. He has no memory of living in the UK. I couldn't move him back as there is no 'back' to move to.

We have lived in Germany since 2008 (Switzerland before that). He is fluent, bilingual if you like in German, but as we never talk in German at home and he will not read any German books nor watch German TV, has no conversations with adults - his German is perfectly that of a 16 year old boy. So his vocabulary etc is limited to that of your average teen. This is impacting, according to his teachers, on his abilities to express himself in a more and advanced way in his written work. He reads widely in English and I see the positive impact on his vocabulary development, he lacks this in German.

I absolutely never told him he could come back home ! This is the frustration. The teachers at his old school told him that even before he left. And dh, on the 2nd day when he was moaning about how shit it was, dh was comforting him and told him it would be a possibility (dunno if ds asked directly - would it be possible, yes son it would..) not sure how the conversation went exactly, but the bottom line is that ds was told explicitly that theoretically he could... then dh goes on to tell him see what it's like next week - translated into ds brain means I only have to be here 1 more week and then I can go back to my old school.

When he ran away to went to a canal where he hangs out with his friend. It was a pretty cold night (sub zero). He came back in the early hours, I was seriously worried he would have died from hypothermia.

We did give him the choice to stay or change, and we did give him the choice of which school to change to. I thought it was important he thought it through and 'owned' the choice - that he couldn't turn around and say you sent me away or you made me go to BS: He had to choose it. I didn't give him the choice to come back whenever he fancied.

He is so stubborn though. I'm sure, now he has decided he doesn't like it, he will never give in, and never try to like it. He has just told me he will not go back next week. God he stresses me out so much. Nothing is right for him.

I can see why you have him the choice. But since it was a choice given because he promised to change if he was allowed to go, then he needs to go back.

It really could be a mental health issue or just a superiority complex.

The problem here is your dh. You are not United front at all. Your dh should not have been telling him that coming home was an option.

You need to speak with your dh.

I suspect the school knew what would happen and was trying to leave. Pot open for a troubled young man. But they haven't help either.

So he couldn't hack it when he ran away and came home? I am glad he did by the way. But he isn't the person he imagines he is in head. It's very worrying.

Personally I would send him back. But I appreciate you may not be able to physically do that

I thought Swiss German & German German were quite different, too.

they are. but he was just learning high german in school and seemed to pick it up really quickly when we moved here. He is totally fluent, but with a teen-limited range of vocal. He doesn't hear a wide range of language, tenses, etc he speaks brilliant teenage german, not adult sophisticated German. can't articulate himself so well. Limits his ability in e.g. Physics etc

There is no way it can be right to send this boy back. Let him come home.

It really does sum up how awful bnoarding schools aer that a teacher would say to a parent that any child told they have the option of going home would leave the school! No wonder boarding has reduced so much.

If he likes English very much would he he suit an English boarding school. I know someone who moved to Germany and at 16 all the children came back to England to do A levels and go on to English universities. but only consider this IF he would want that.
I would imagine he would prefer to be back at home and that will be the best place for him.
Is he doing some German exams then the equivalent of GCSE and is redoing his last year of those because of failures last year?

Put him in the army

ernest - do you think he might have MH issues?

I too read OP's posts and felt this was a very very troubled young man with mental health issues or some sort of psychological disorder - forget the school issues, get him a psychiatric evaluation as a matter of urgency.

Several posters have expressed similar views, OP hasn't responded to these - is there a reason why?

I had considered boarding in UK but the systems atm are incompatible. Once he completes year 10 here, he could move across to the English system for A Levels, but right now it wouldn't work. I told him if he sticks out the year he has more options (i.e. also England) than he has now, but he can't be chopping and changing and chucking in the towel after a week.

Again though Grazie, UK isn't 'home' to him. He doesn't consider it to be either. He has talked in the past about uni. In Germany. It's somewhere that he visits a couple of times a year, where he can speak the language and he has some (not much) family. He has no memory of living there and none of his siblings were born there.

If he were to move to the UK he could only go to a boarding school. And that hasn't worked out so well so far....

MH issues. Don't think so tbh, just difficult teen. Think dh was worse.

He had to do work experience recently. He didn't get off his backside to apply for various things, so got at very last minute a place in a mechanics close by. He was given loads of really menial jobs to do (holding lumps of metal while someone hit it with a hammer, weeding in the blazing heat etc) and I was actually really impressed that he stuck it out and did a great job even though for him it was mind numbingly boring and very physically demanding. So I guess he can stick to some things....

I went to boarding school in the Uk and agree with a lot you said. I felt homesick at first but by half term, I realised that I had settled. In the case on your son, as he is returning so often I think it would take longer (Xmas) to give him a chance to settle.
If he returns (your h must be kicking himself for dooming things), you need to set strict conditions because he'll just go back to old patterns of behaviour. I certainly wouldn't go back to the 8 hours of free time a day. It sounds like he might benefit from a tutor or you creating a more "formal German"atmosphere. Watch documentaries, have the radio on )in German) How's your formal German? It sounds like your son would be hard to engage but I would be insisting on this should he return.
I'm a Brit who lived in Germany and my son picked up German at Kindergarten and by watching German TV (especially SpongeBob Schwamkopf and car programmes)

He sounds very isolated, and the running away and being self sufficient, sounds like he just doesn't want to deal with his complicated life. He was brought up in Switzerland but had an English home life, then you've moved to Germany and still kept your English home life. But he's had to re-adjust to another culture and throughout his teen years, he can't speak more then teen German, his peers probably watch German tv and the lastest German teen fads, which because you have kept everything English at home he is cut off from real socialising with his friends. He does not 'fit' anywhere. I see why he just wants to be on his own, he wants it so he can 'fit' somewhere and feel like he belongs.

He sounds very depressed and I would definitely get him to the doctors.

OP do you know the term 'third culture kids'?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_culture_kid

I'm not sure if it precisely applies to your DS, but the general point that children growing up between cultures often struggle psychologically seems very relevant. You mention that your DS functions at a much more sophisticated level in english and that his only real friend is english. Do you think that being caught between languages / cultures is a least part of the problem?

I also echo the poster (whoever it was - sorry) who said that grandiosity is often the flip side of depression.

Have you considered an english speaking environment - maybe an international school where there will be other children in the same situation? Also what about an outward bound holiday or something like that over the summer that will let him put his camping gear to practical use.

i read a book about Anders Breivik and whilst not wanting to equate, he too was a loner who saw himself as superior whilst playing war games and isolating himself

OP seems to not see this

Is there nowhere he could study the International Bacc in English? I do think his lack of fluency in formal German is probably a big (and increasing) barrier for him that he doesn't really want to overcome. I get the feeling the crises are probably going to escalate as he gets closer to this exam milestone, is it worth taking the hit of restarting at Year 10 (assuming that's the first year of GCSE study) in the UK?

Interesting that he stuck it out on his work experience, it sounds bloody awful. Some of that I suspect was expectations - he was expected to turn up, muck in, no pissing about and no opportunity to bail out if he didn't like it. His teachers' comments just meant "you'll always be welcome here", it didn't mean "we're holding a place open for you", that isn't their decision.

His whole 'go and live in the jungle' thing just sounds like a way of avoiding any kind of responsibility. Again, perhaps a UK boarding school where he could do Duke of Edinburgh would be an improvement for him?

You know, I think you are doing exactly what you should (but don't give him the choice of English A levels, he has far too many options already). I would say that a bit of regimentation would make wonders both in terms of getting him out of his comfort zone and to force him to interact more with people. Your life is much richer when it expands beyond your bedroom.

Personally, I don't think that, from the point of view what the OP has said, the boy has mental health issues. He is just a teenager pushing the boundaries as they are expected to do, is part of their development, they all do in different degrees, and if he is spending so much time on his own by choosing to stay in his bedroom, it is not surprising he is a bit dosconnected from the world, he is missing on the grounding people his own age provide (yes, as strange as it sounds, at that time, they tend to trust their friends' judgement more than their parents', so a friend jokingly telling him that he couldn't do something, might have far more effect than the repetitive comments of a parent).

I think running away from home is a pretty big cry for help.

"i read a book about Anders Breivik and whilst not wanting to equate, he too was a loner who saw himself as superior whilst playing war games and isolating himself"

The world is full of loners, they are called introverts. Go into a game shop and try to find a game, that doesn't involve warfare, for teenagers, and I'm pretty sure you are not going to find much more than Minecraft. Many teens saw themselves as superior, if they are not the best in football, rugby or science, they are the best in maths, climbing, or pulling girls.

If all the loners, who play war games and see themselves as superior were meant to be as A Breivik, the human race would have ceased to exist millions of years ago.

I can't really comment on the possibility of MH issues, but it sounds to me like boarding school will be good for him for all the reasons you suggest - structure, having to study, having to interact more in German.

I wouldn't give him the option of coming home, certainly not before Christmas. Of course he is objecting to having lots of structured time and having to work if he is used to 8 hours a day free time to sit on his computer.

TheTigerIsOut There is a big difference between introverted teens who play games and have a slightly egocentrical view, and a teen who is so convinced that he is superior that he is buying equipment and planning military schemes in great detail. Who seems to be actively planning to go "off-grid".

Whilst hopefully this will be nothing, if OP's DS did go on to commit a crime, there may well be high-profile questions asked about why nobody did anything about this. It would be very easy to make it seem that her DS has been upfront and honest about his plans to exert his superiority through violence, and then "escape" into the wilderness to live off-grid and undetected.

His mental health issues need to be looked at. If his thoughts are dangerous or damaging, sorting them could help him to sort the rest of his life.

His schooling is separate but there is no doubting that he will be unhappy at either school. Infact, it'd be an easy jump to say he probably dislikes school because he dislikes authority - it would fit perfectly with his other thinkings. Having to integrate more and make an effort at boarding school, even if he feels he has to because he has no choice, could help him to start accepting school and building a future that isn't designed around his current thought patterns.

The world is full of loners, they are called introverts.

No they are not. Introverts draw their energy from being alone, but they are not loners.

I did say that mass murder was worst case scenario.

It's still apparent that he is unhappy and what the op described doesn't seem healthy to me.
Which is why he should be assessed by professionals with full knowledge about what he said to his mother.

In any case the outcome would be a happier boy and parents.

Poor OP, I can really sympathise with your dilemma.

For what it's worth, I think the school issue is a symptom of the real problem. My feeling is that the PP who posted this:

Do you think that being caught between languages / cultures is a least part of the problem?

is onto something.

He has lived in Germany from 8, half his life, and yet does not engage in German culture. Why? That strikes me as very strange.

I was talking to my cousin this summer, who has brought up her children in France. She is finding that even though they speak English fluently and spend lots of time with English cousins, they don't really get 'Britishness'.

He may not even be aware of this himself, but it may explain his inability to settle or focus on things. Perhaps he isn't sure where his future lies?
Maybe a discussion with him about this may help all of you clear up some issues.

I think his survival obsession is a bit odd too tbh I think might be anidea to see your Gp or speak to Bob about it. I would suggest he sticks school out till christmas and then you can see

Gosh, I think it's normal. My best present as a child was my pen knife. I have taken my teenage boys to survive on an island. Why can't teenage girls and boys do that kind of thing if they want to? Just tell him if he wants that kind of hobby then he needs some money to fund it and passing some exams is a good way to achieve that. I wouldn't force him to be at a boarding school he doesn't like.

Gosh I think some people are being a tad dramatic. He does sound like he is unhappy but to say he's may go on to commit mass murder is taking things rather too far.

He does have friends so he isn't a loner.
He worked hard at his work experience.
So he's not all bad!

I would let him come home OP. I really wouldn't like my dc hating being somewhere and having 8 hours a day free time.
Experiencing ehis may make him really appreciate his old school.

Ernest it does sound rather more complicated for him and you than just being disaffected with school and homesick because of boarding.
Counselling as a condition of him coming back would be worthwhile to tackle his isolation . However it sounds as though that should be in English, his most 'natural' language which may be difficult to arrange.

It is odd that English should dominate even with the move from Switzerland to Germany in 2008. For all DCs I know who are bilingual with a home language and a peer / school language the latter takes over. Why does he refuse to read German let alone watch German TV? Possibly he would be more comfortable in a English / German bilingual IB international school?