Ds (16) started boarding 2 weeks ago, begging to come back. WTF do we do?

[ErnesttheBavarian]

He was miserable at his school. Talking a lot of dropping out altogether before he has ANY qualifications. This year he will do his GCSE equivalent. Then has 2 more years to do his A Level equivalent.

He was so miserable I suggested we look at alternatives. He rejected the idea of another school in nearby town (20 minute train ride)

We visited 3 boarding schools. He liked 1 best. We left him to choose. He spent 2 weeks deciding, so not rushed decision. He chose the 1st boarding school.

(He unfortunately was told that if it goes tits up, ha can always return to his old school - gah)

So day 2 he texts dh, he hates it, he wants to come home. DAY 2 !!!

We contact the head of the boarding and also his 'Adult who looks after him', lets call him Bob. Ist weekend back he says he hates it and cannot return. We tell him he has to try fgs, and also school and studying and clubs not kicked in, nd next week will be v. different etc.

This week Bob emails us and says he thinks he'll be ok. He's joined in and done loads of stuff. He's just very shy and reserved but it'll be ok. We think phew, it's getting better. He comes home Friday and insists he will not go back and wants to return to his old school, which now he realises, is brilliant. Or at least, if he has a shit day he can come home and be happy here.

I really don't know what to do or how to handle it. Part of me - don't want son to be unhappy. Other part of me, v disappointed he chucks in the towel after 2 days and has no persistence and wants to chop and change in an important school year.

X posts. I agree with BrendaandEddie. The military thing - essentially wanting power and glory in an aggressive way without wanting to graft for it - is a bit worrying IMO. My 10yo approaches things a bit like this (comment on any conflict/war: 'why don't/didn't the powerful countries just send in their armies?'). But he's 10. It sounds as if there may be more going on here for your ds.

Can only tell my own experience, but as my mother moved (yet again) to a town miles away, I decided that I didn't want to go and so agreed on me going to boarding school in the town I was in. It felt at the time that it was my decision and I was happy with. I went there fully determined to make it work.

I hated it after only 3 days. It was extremely regimented whereas I was used to a school where they encouraged teenagers to take responsibility for themselves on the basis of a certain level of trust. I felt like I was back to being 5, scared to breath.

In addition, it turned out to be quite a posh school, with most kids being from rich families, and immediately I felt judged for my way of dressing, talking etc... I wasn't very confident in my boots, and being there made me feel even more inadequate. I felt absolutely miserable. My parents told me to give it more time, but one afternoon after about 2 weeks, I couldn't take it any longer and just had to go. I didn't know where to go and ended up at friends of my parents.

Thankfully, my parents didn't doubt my feelings for a second and right away told me I wouldn't have to go back. I still, 30 years later, remember the utter feeling of relief. In the end, they found a boarding school that took on pupils from different schools and my old school agreed to take me back. It was a difficult year, but I did ok in the end and certainly was much happier than I would have been staying at that school.

Looking back, I can say that I still feel thankful that my parents didn't force me to go back. Saying that, in my case, it is because deep inside, they agreed with my reasons and they themselves could imagine me really fitting in and went along with it in the first place because it suited everyone and because I seemed so determined.

From what you say, I'd be very concerned about him. And when. I say very, in a worst case scenario mass killing spree concerned. More realistically, not sure, but certainly worrying.
Has he been psychologically evaluated?

I think he should stick it out until Christmas , he won't have made friends yet and at that age friends are everything. School will help with routine, sleep and exercise which can be crucial.

Unless he is depressed, in which case he needs medication.

He's in year 10.

Norks that's interesting....

Problem is he finished school at 1 (had lessons till 3 1 or 2 days pw). He had basically 8 hours of free time every day (in his old school, in most schools) that he just wasted sitting in his room, not participating in clubs, sports etc. The boarding school was to give him structure, contact with others, activities, homework help, help his with his German as he only speaks English at home and his good but not quite good enough German was affecting his performance across the board. We tried to get him to hang out with these friends he says he has but never sees. The 1 friend he sees is also English. He never reads german, or watches German TV. The BS would also be a change from the school and boring home life he was so unhappy with. It seemed to 'tick all the boxes' so I am gutted and disappointed he hates it, especially when it's an opinion formed in the 1st week before the school work, sports clubs, activities etc started. He wrote it off in his head before it even began.

Yes, it's in Germany. He has to come home every alternate weekend. The other weekend he can choose to come home or stay in the school.

I agree that this sounds to be some mental health issues, it's nothing to do with the schools and I think you should urgently get him assessed

Could his interests be channelled into more 'outward bound' activities? Do you live near any activity centres?

(Not discounting the other issues - it's just that I live in UK countryside and every weekend the place is crawling with teenagers doing D of E type training).

I'd be seriously concerned if my son expressed such extreme thoughts, he sounds like an extremeist's candidate. I think this would worry me more than his schooling as it's probably dictating what he thinks about school and education- little point if he's going to rule the world anyway through agression.
Where did he get this from?

Plus isolating self in bedroom.

Sorry Ernest.

Agree with Brenda, this would ring alarm bells for me if a parent came to me in school with similar

Tbh I think he needs some help. Not saying he is odd or needs medical help.

But you have described someone who is isolated and has quite odd ideas about himself and imagines himself as better than those around him. I would be concerned. I am also concerned about his claim that he has loads of friends but doesn't. Up until the last few posts I thought it might just be teenage blustering. But I am not so sure.

If he can't manage boarding school he won't make it in the military. Even if he did, I doubt it's how he imagines it. There won't be a military campaign that is 'his'.

How is he going to take being told what to do in the army? What will he do when he thinks his superiors are 'idiots' and 'thick'? Do they accept absconding in the army? Honestly at best you have a child who will try and fail at most things, because he thinks he know better. At worst he could have some real issues.

I really don't know what to suggest. Half of me thinks you should force him to see it through. Make him stick at something until it's done and hope he sees the light. If he comes home within weeks he will be running away from the school, if he returns to the old one.

The other half thinks he really needs to be at home so you can work in his problems as a family.

What's he doing or watching when he's sitting in his room? I presume he can't do this at BS, is that why he wants out?

I'd use the school issue to get him seen by a professional.
But have a quiet word with said professional about your concerns. It's good that he's been able to talk to you about his feelings and thoughts, but that may mean that there's a lot deeper down that you don't know about.
Keep his trust and keep talking to him, but I would also take it very seriously.

Op when did you move to Germany?

I had a boy Tutee like yours. Failed everything, quit school, overweight, depressed, anxious. Did one to one tutoring with him and he got two Bs and an A. Much improved behaviour and attitude to learning. Got fitter, got happier. Started volunteering with guide dogs for the deaf and is going to uni.

Fascinating issues arise here. Having spare time in my view is essential and wonderful for teejnagers. It is how they become the adult they should be. Filling in every hour is torture and bad in my view certanily for quiet thinkers like he is (and boarding school is the worst place on the planet for quiet thinkers).

I would say he can come home as that was the deal you promised him - if you start breaking promises to teenagers you lose all trust. Then make it clear he must stick at and work hard for GCSEs back at his old school

Ah do I see a reference to Germany? Why not move back to the UK which presumably was his home. Surely the error here was removing him from his English culture.

I have a (lazy feckless) 15yo who think he's going to become a Royal Marine.
I vote go tough: the lad needs to tough it out. The lad won't wilt or melt if he sticks out a full term. Review the decision at Xmas.

When your lad ran away, OP, where did he go?

The head of boarding was right. You fatally wounded any chance of success when you gave him the option to bail.

He needs urgent medical help for his thoughts. Work on getting an assessment ASAP. Be very honest about his delusions.

Tell him he stays at the school and tries to make it work. He's 16. He won't be able to jump around jobs and then choose to go back to the old one. Work with the school to get him involved but stop giving him an easy way to bail and avoid effort or work.

He chose this. It's done. He can't overthink the same decision, once it's chosen, it's finished.

Actually I am quite interested in what happened when he ran away.

Where did he go, how long was he gone, was he found or did he come home through choice?

I don't think your dh is actually helping here. He seems to be pandering to him quite a lot. Is he concerned at all?

I think you have lived in Germany for many years OP? Why do you think his German is still not fluent? I ask because most immigrant children I come across in the UK are fluent within a year or so.
Re the friends thing, it's not unusual for boys of that age to spend all their free time at home on a computer. Not desirable but very normal. My ds (14) never sees his "friends" outside school but frequently plays games online with them.

Only you can decide if he should change schools again. However, ime when children don't settle after trying more than one school, the issue is usually with the child, not the schooling.

You need to have a frank discussion with him. He has to suck it up and either come back and make 100% improvement or stay til Christmas.

Sorry, but I couldn't help but noticing that:

• He was talking about dropping out, so you gave him the choice to look at other schools
• you then let him choose whether he wanted to stay or not
• Then he was given 2 weeks to choose the school of his liking
• He vhoose the school but you gave him the option to go back to the old school if he didn't like the new one, BEFORE he even started.

The first few weeks on any school are always difficult, he needs to get used to the new rules and break into established friendship groups. It is natural he feels frustrated, so now, before trying further he wants to go back to the old one, he also wants to live in the jungle where no qualifications are needed (or warm dry beds) but you, terrible mum, are taking the CHOICE from him.

Frankly, I think this a problem you made yourself, if he has such freedom of choice, what makes you think he is not going to try to exercise it?

If I were you, I would let him deal with the consequences of his own choices and leave him at the new school, at least until the end of the term. Yes, it will be horrible, because ror the first time it won't be his choice, but if you agree to let him move now, you are only making his lack of interest in school much worse.

And no, I wouldn't believe any promise that he will try harder at the old school, if you continue to reinforce the message that when it comes to his schooling, he ultimately has the choice of doing whatever he chooses to do, as long as he push you enough.

Oh, the German thing is hard. (Not something we've had to deal with with ours as we have binational OPOL set-up and if anything their English is weaker than their German). I think that's another reason to keep him there - for necessary immersion in the language and (for want of a better expression) youth culture.

Does Bob/the support team know about his ideas, his military interest, the running away? I think they probably should, and I agree you should be pursuing an assessment for him (depending on how rurally you live there might be quite a wait for an appt). What's the school's general ethos?