AIBU to be pissed off at ds's sports day allocation?

[basildonbond]

Ds is in Y10 he has ASD, dyspraxia and low muscle tone. He is 6'3" with a 24" waist and his arms and legs look like twiglets - he has an air of fragility as if a gust of wind could carry him away.

His school has sports day next week and the children are allocated an event - they can't choose. Ds has been put down for the shot put. Yes, really ...

Dh thinks someone in the PE department is deliberately taking the piss and wants me to go in all guns blazing. I have no intention of letting ds be utterly humiliated so am going to keep him off school on Monday. WWYD?

School, by law, have to make reasonable adjustments on account of a child's ASD. Dd has all manner of reasonable adjustments made that the school openly admit they have never made for other children. I don't doubt that the adjustments haven't been needed previously.
I daresay that some perceive that dd is "spoilt" because of extra allowances, rules that are bent and waived because I have demanded that the school meet her needs. So long as they continue to meet her needs and make the adjustments that are required they can think what they like tbh. I doubt very much that anyone would say that she is spoilt to my face anyway.

Well done reallytired for your dignified reply.
I'm saddened at the level of vitriol on this thread. It is supposed to be a discusson forum.
It's quite ironic that, on a thread where we are discussing victimisation (or not) and lack of empathy, that some posters feel it is ok to be so nasty to someone who dares to offer a different opinion in a discussion.

I'd just give him the day off, not going to harm his education unless he wants to be a professional shot putter.
My ds's schools had the best idea, don't bother coming in if you aren't bothered.

We have 240 kids in each yr group, that's over 900 kids (yr 11's are gone by then). The PE dept have to mak sure each of those 900 kids takes part in some part of the day. That's a huge undertaking.

Half of each form does a team sport like netball and the other half will do field and track events. The kids hav to choose who does what during form time. Obv the ones with talent will choose the ones that suit them and the form will know who is good at what from PEnsonthey might say 'Sarah you're really good at running you definitely do the 800m' but 80% of the class are probably a bit crap at sport and so just plonk themselves anywhere on the two teams. It's no big deal.

All the events take place at the local park which has a track and field and enclosures for sports.

Nobody is really watching anyone because they're all busy doing the events and/or the seating area is so far away plus teenage girls are too busy chatting and taking selfies.

The only time the eye is on the kids is during the finals of the track events which are populated by the winners of the heats so all reasonably capable kids.

Oh and no parents.

I always find these threads a surprise (maybe because we are secondary) because the way posters describe it it really does sound horrible. But our sports days are just kids mooching around, failing epically at the long jump etc and not really caring, taking selfies and cheering at th teacher races. It's all very relaxed

BackforGood some of us have been "nasty" because referring to children with ASDs as spoilt and shouting down people's experiences is very rude

There are only about 30 kids of the entire school who are fantastic at sport by the way. The girls who represent the school at borough events etc. Obv these kids win the big track events. Is that a bad thing?

Also
Points are awarded for sportsmanship etc for forms as opposed to individuals so the biggest awards are the form and year ones at the end

Keep him at home OP, some battles are not worth fighting; in the scheme of things sports day is really irrelevant.

My own experience of PE teachers and their attitudes to disabled children is fairly poor.

Personally I had the Kes type ones in the 70s and 80s.

For my own daughter, well we have written the letters and filled in the forms and had the meetings. They don't listen, they smile and nod and make absolutely no adjustments for your disabled child.

My DD was a toughy though and had no intention of allowing herself to be humiliated. She simply said "Well I'm not doing that," and left the teachers to do their worst. Most of the time they just sighed and backed off and left her to it.

She is 19 now and very fit. Most PE teachers don't have a fucking clue.

I have not read the whole thread, but I would be inclined to keep him off if he does not want to do it. If he does not have any worries about doing it, then neither should you. I would let him call this one.

However, I would also try not to give him the impression that he should not value keeping fit. There is too much emphasis on sport being about watching top athletes compete. It should be more about everyone getting involved and getting fit. The mind set of it being only for the top few begins at school. Try and find something he likes doing sports wise and encourage him in that.

We do very much value keeping fit - we are a very active family. However he cannot see the point of competitive sport - it just baffles him.

Last year we asked him to commit to one physical activity and do it regularly - he chose running as it's something he can do on his own terms and by himself.

He's been running 3 times a week for the last year so ironically he probably wouldn't do too badly in a longer-distance race - but the idea of competing in anything is complete anaethema to him ...

In that case I definitely cannot see what throwing a metal ball baddly on one day would add to his sporting achievements.

Basildon, I echo what other say in that Shot is a low profile event that your DS could be okish at with his physical build, worst case he may do three no throws out of the area but as I assume none of the boys will have practiced none will really care.
I would not contact the PE dept as there only real option would be to change his event from a throw to a more public sprint or jump.
Just keep him off or let him do it if he is ok with it.

I am speaking as the mum of a year 11 dyslexic athlete (ranked 14th in the UK) and basing my advice on the sadistic PE teachers we have encountered, plenty of other lovely ones though.
No problems here keeping DD off when she has been forced to read in public.

IME sports teachers become sports teachers because they were very good at sports at school - and often find it almost impossible to grasp the idea that lots of people have a real problem with school sport

OP - all teachers are specialists in their own subjects, they are trained to differentiate and fully understand that students do not have a natural ability in the subject they teach; this includes PE teachers.

You have been told by many posters that sports day in most schools requires all students to participate and that field events are out of the way, not watched so it is the ideal sport for your DS to take part in. I would like to add, before the many posters decide that as I do not agree with the op's stance I should be vilified; my DS has MLD, ASD and has fine motor skill delays - this has not excluded him from sports (despite the fact he can't even run in a straight line!).

Good to hear your son can cope. But that's just your son. And doesn't mean all autistic children could.

You may notice too, that no one has been unpleasant because people disagreed, only when he was referred to as a spoiled brat and asked the OP if she was worried about herself rather than her sons ability to cope.

"BackforGood some of us have been "nasty" because referring to children with ASDs as spoilt and shouting down people's experiences is very rude"

My experiences of PE teachers in 2015 are as valid as anyone's.
I met PE teachers (in several schools both as a parent and working there) are they professional people. If you act like an adult towards them, then they act like an adult back. Most schools are more than happy to make reasonable adjustments for disablities, but it is up to parents to notify the school that there might be a problem with an activity in good time. Parents need to work with the school rather than barging in and telling teachers how to their jobs.
If you want a school to make reasonable adjustments then you actually have to request adjustments.

I never said that children with ASD are spoilt brats. That is far too general. The majority of children with ASD take part in school sports without too much fuss. if they need support then it is arranged in good time.

Allowing a child to skip school because they don't want to do sports day is indulgent. Are you going to allow your child the day off because they don't want the trauma of failing their French test? What about if they hate Art, Music or Mrs Bloggs the English teacher? Where do you draw the line and tell the child that school is complusory.

PyjamasLlamas Don't think you are my son's long suffering PE teacher because your school is too large. However you do sound lovely and I wonder if you trained at the same place as my son's teacher.

Incidently not all chidlren with autism are bad at sport. I worked at a school with a young lad had severe autism and he got a very respectable in the district cross country. The school had to provide someone to run with him and it was a struggle to find someone who was capable of keeping up.

ReallyTired you didn't respond to me saying that you don't do a French test in front of an audience and get mocked if you're crap

Shall we make kids in wheelchairs do the sprint while we're at it? It would be self indulgent otherwise...

ReallyTired, you're confusing ASD with dyspraxia and sensory processing issues. They're very different. But then I find the other filthy ignorance of your posts breathtakingly offensive and stupid too.

Google is your friend. First search - "empathy".

Have a big packet of

Is there much of an audience? Does the whole school sit and watch each child do each event? I don't know how it works at primary level but definitely at secondary the other kids are too busy doing their own event to watch. Except at the end with the finalists...someone has to come last in that

"ReallyTired, you're confusing ASD with dyspraxia and sensory processing issues. They're very different. But then I find the other filthy ignorance of your posts breathtakingly offensive and stupid too."

You just can't stand someone having a different view to you.

Children with those labels can and should take part in sports day with reasonable planning and adjustments. None of those labels are a reason to be excused sports day. Potentially coming last in an event is not a reason not to take part.

What sporting event would be deemed acceptable on sports day? Or would you expect the PE department to rig sports day so that your precious child wins? Would you want him to be given a head start? Or made to race against the child with cerabral palsy. (Ofcourse the feelings of such a child are irrelevent, even if they too have special needs.) Are PE teachers fundermentally evil and whatever they do is wrong?

I think that some of this thread is maternal anxiety rather than a problem with the child. People are magnifying the consequences of coming last in shot put. There is a lot of negative assumptive thinking. Is it really so bad to come last in an event. Some children enjoy having the opportunity trying something that they never done before. Is coming last really such a bad thing?

Do they seriously think that 900 children are that interested in little Johnny coming last in shot put? Why do you think a child would be mocked for coming last in an event that no one is interested in? Do you think that maternal anxiety is robbing your child of an educational opportunity? Its quite likely that they wouldn't have cared if the parents hadn't kicked up an awful fuss.

In sport there will always be people who are better than you and people who are worse than you. PyjamasLlamas makes the point that there are only 30 children in her school who are good at sport, ie represent the school at district level. I expect that when you go to a district level event the standard of competition is higher again. The best athletes will represent county. A gifted ex county runner might come last in a qualifying heat for the olympics.

Unless you take risks of failure you never know what you are capable of. Those lessons extend to all kind of areas of life beyond the sports track. Learning not to fear failure is an important life lesson.

ReallyTired

how many times do people have to tell you it's not about coming last? It's about being mocked and humiliated (bolded for you as you seem to repeatedly miss that bit).

I've never said I"m worried about him coming last - he has no conception of competition so couldn't care less where he comes

I'm also not disputing the fact that children of all abilities and none should be able to take part in sports days, given the right adjustments

I'm just pissed off that the PE dept wants a child who has virtually no upper body strength, who has low muscle tone and for whom co-ordination causes massive problems to pick up and throw a heavy metal ball when there are plenty of other activities in which he would be able to take part but he wasn't given any choice

It's also obvious that many of you have no conception of what it's like to be an ASD child surrounded by NT teenagers, especially on a day like sports day when the usual routines are suspended. Ds wouldn't be 'mooching around with his friends taking selfies', he'd be sitting by himself feeling immensely uncomfortable which would probably make him flap and given that he already looks 'different' this compounds his problems. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of children in his year and especially his form who are very protective of him and who would never bully him. However there are many others, particularly girls I'm afraid, who don't know him and see him as a figure of ridicule and who point him out to their friends, snigger and laugh. Please tell me how that is supposed to be character-building...

Basildon you've been so patient on this thread, explaining over and over again, I really respect you for it. I could never have been polite as you have been.

Your ds sounds very much like my ds so I really relate to your concerns and as a person who is "on the ground" with you so to speak I think keeping him off would the absolute right thing to do.

I'm sorry reallytired but you haven't got a clue about this, you really haven't. Whatever your personal experience is, and I know you must have some or you wouldn't be so sure that you're right, it just doesn't apply here and certainly wouldn't apply to my ds. Are you a teacher? Sorry if you've already said. It's just your attitude is very reminiscent to me of a large number of professionals who honestly believed they knew better than me and my ds about what was good for him. That resulted in a cut and bruised (from restraint alone), a near catatonic child who was punching and biting himself because he was "useless" and "bad" and "can't do what the others do". But you just keep dishing out your worthless advice if you have time to do so. I wish you'd realise though that for some autistic children, the adults around them following your advice, could lead to catastrophic consequences.

I find this thread so upsetting. I'm constantly hearing about how awareness of ASDs is so much better these days and how people are so much more understanding of the difficulties I face every day and how far we've come. Then I read posts like those by ReallyTired which completely minimise my disability and it beaks my heart because it really brings it home that we haven't come far, we've come nowhere and are still mired in ignorance.

Unless you take risks of failure you never know what you are capable of.

Indeed. I learnt I was capable of cutting my wrists, capable of overdosing on paracetamol, capable of walking out in front of a moving vehicle and eventually capable of 'falling' from high enough to break my back. I'd have risked anything and everything to get away from the shame of sports day. You don't have a fucking clue. You really don't.

Exactly hedgehog, however we're apparently the horrible ones for "not accepting their opinion"...

There are plenty of teens up and down the country who have autism. One in 60 people have autism. It's understandable that the change in routine is unsettling, however that would happen whatever event a child is down for. A child who really struggles with change could either be given extra ta support, or allowed to just turn up for their event, go home and not have to stay for the whole of sports day. These are all reasonable adaptation and most secondary schools will allow this with due notice.

My son's school has a base for children with social/ communication difficulties. The staff in the base are heavily involved with activities week to ensure that the child take part as far as possible. Sometimes a child is dis applied from an activity if it is really felt they cannot cope. For example one of my son's friends did not go on the day trip to France, but his parents have agreed to take him to France in the holidays.

Deciding in advance and in consultation with teachers that an activity is unsuitable for a child is different just allowing a child to bunk school. Education should be a partnership between parents and the school.

have you kept him off today? It's raining here, I wondered if it would be cancelled anyway where you are?