University open days and parents.

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

Having been to one by herself and one with me (engineering works ruining the train).

We would both love to know,

1. Why everyone seems to take a parent. (And even a very good, but bored sick 8y sibling)

And especially

Why do 16/17/18 year olds sit there letting their parents do the talking!

I really am genuinely puzzled by modern teens. They are incredibly hard working, but all the concentration on grades seems to have taken the spark out of some of them.

"They" are not a homogenous group!

I went to all the open days with my DD. She said me being there was invaluable as I could discuss the various places afterwards with her which helped her to weigh up the pros and cons. I tended to remember stuff that she didn't and I asked questions that she said she hadn't thought of at the time.

She was still 16 and then a young 17 when she looked and being quite impulsive and easily persuaded having me there helped her to remain grounded.

She did however go to all the interviews (design subject so portfolio and tasks were part of the selection process) on her own including all of the travelling. She did make the comment that she was one of the only ones without a parent there at the applicant days and that she wouldn't have wanted me there at that stage.

Oh yes, I'd forgotten that- on the day that I did attend, most of it was set aside to be student-only. The bit where parents/chaperones/accompanying others had any opportunity to talk with tutors was just a meet and greet over coffee at the beginning. So it wasn't like the day was given over to non-students muscling in.

The open days should be geared towards the students, in the main, but it's nice that they welcome all attendees.

It really is insult Elephant's DD on this thread isn't it.

Fortunately she is a far more kind hearted, hard working and generous charecter than some posters here.

All the sitting quietly and all the studying in the world, will not give her a cat in hells chance of an A* her writing simply isn't good enough.

She could well qualify for a scribe, but I strongly suspect she will refuse. She wants to do her best, herself, despite it being twice the effort it is for DD2

The course has to engage DD not me (I'm a slightly different sort of scientist), so I've spent many hours inside very similar labs and living in very similar halls. They are all fairly alike.

For me the town was the interesting bit, because I knew DD hated her first visits location with a passion because it was unbelievably noisy.

The student room has lots of grumbles about the one we went to together because of the hill. Would drive me nuts. I'm a lazy fat lump. Won't bother DD.

Unlike Bath, where the hill drives everyone insane and in DHs time killed students cycling down it

I really am genuinely puzzled by modern teens. They are incredibly hard working, but all the concentration on grades seems to have taken the spark out of some of them this is true of some of our students, they really say little in class, have to have discussion dragged out of them, and make one comment then sit back happy they have done their bit. I find it very wearing- pulling them towards independence, I don't think A levels are a great preparation any more for independent study and even by the second year here some are still wondering why copying out the lecture notes neatly isn't enough to secure a good grade.

Do you think your way of doing things is the right way op? Why are your reasons for going with your dd on the second visit any more valid than anyone else's?

Personally I think A* at GCSE has a lot to answer for. As soon as exam boards had to set papers where every mark up to 100% had to be justifiable and possible to get, learning the revision textbook from cover to cover took over from thinking.

She hears some one rehearsing and shoots into the music dept. to ask about choirs
This phrase alone describes an exceptionally confidant young woman.

I have an 18 year old DS and among all the 18 year olds I know I can think of perhaps two who might be able to do that.

I have a friend with 3DC. Her eldest sounds like yours. Head girl, leadership shines from her. After a uni visit she was on e mailing with the professor. My friend takes no credit for this because her other DC are most definitely not like that.

No way would DD2 do anything like that either and DD1 might not have done if she was with her dad (DH embarrasses far more easily than I do).

No way would DD1 be head girl or anything like that, she's far more confident with adults (and gradually now with older teens) than she ever was with DCs her own age.

My husband or I took our elder DC to every open day. But we dropped him off and took our couple of years younger DC round the departments we thought might interest him. It may have looked like we were over involved parents(we didn't ask questions though) but you'd have been wrong to think that. Our younger DC didn't go to any open days, he found his ideal course whilst on his brother's ones.

is this a new thing?
in the 1990's i went to every university open day alone or with a group from school with a teacher in tow (Oxford etc.).

I went to the interviews alone, stayed overnight for some of them, alone. No one had a parent !
is this really the norm now?
Why?

But we are getting side tracked.
The question I guess I was really asking is, "is it a good thing to go with your DCs to university open days or not?"

Do parents subdue the interactions between everyone present?

Personally I feel we get in the way and don't learn much that isn't available on the web.

Xpost, yes it does seem to be the norm. A far cry from late 80's early 90's when I was a student.

DDad dropped me off at some, he managed to organise sales calls for my two South Eastern ones, or I would have had to stay overnight and no way could my parents of afforded that.

No parents stepped foot on campus. We had an utter ball, at Birmingham, the student guides had us messing about going over the top on the paternoster lifts. (Long gone with the joys of HS, but immortalised in David Lodges, Changing Places).

Groups of us wandered into the Guild for lunch. Quite different sharing lunch with someone who shares your passion for 'medieval History' than yet another sand which with boring old mum.

By the time DD1 finishes her four year course she will have borrowed £50k. DH and I will have given her at least £16k towards her expenses. She will have worked in holidays to supplement her expenses too. This represents a huge financial committment.
She wanted me to come with her so that she could discuss her options with me. I think that shows a certain amount of maturity. When I was her age I was a bit like Kevin and only communicated with my parents by grunting occasionally.
I don't understand why you think students can learn from an open day but parents can glean all the information they need online.

As it happens DS went to most open days on his own or with a friend. This includes some with overnight stay. This was because I believed all the MNers who disapproved of parents going thought he should be treated as an adult.
I did go to a couple and wished I had been to them all because I would have been looking at entirely different things. He is painfully shy and would no more ask a question than fly to the moon. Also his priorities did not include looking at accommodation .

DS2 will have me along next year, I won't make the same mistake twice..

The feeling of whether they will be happy living there.

I walked into the campus at Birmingham and instantly felt at home. I stepped of the tube in the Mile End Rd. (Queen Mary's, in London) and nearly turned round and went home. I instantly hated it.

Parents don't alter those gut reactions. Their trying to convince you to go there because it's a brilliant course, you'll get a better job, etc etc can be positively disastrous.

By the time you get to actually choosing exact courses and places to study, the money is irrelevant. It has to be the DCs choice.

The time for parental, and school, guidance is earlier, in ensuring DCs think really hard about GCSE and A level choices and do the right facilitating subjects to keep their options open, in terms of course and/or institution.

Yes, it was useful to have me there for dd1, because as I said, she likes to do her thinking out loud. So to have a listener good for her, and I expect she noticed things and thought about stuff when she was with me or dd2 that she didn't when at Bristol by herself. Most people are accompanied by at least one parent. Which means there's no one to talk to if you're by yourself. Whether this is a good or a bad thing seems pointless, even upsetting, to argue about - it's not really changeable. I find it hard to see though how parents being more interested and more involved in uni applications is a bad thing.

No one's said anything about trying to convince their kids to go anywhere!

God, I don't know why I got sucked into this thread. The last one pissed me off enough.

Parents, don't go clothes shopping with your child! Don't go with them if they're trying to buy a car! Definitely don't look at wedding venues with them! Basically avoid being involved in any decision they might make! Otherwise you're interfering, and they're pathetic.

Meanwhile, on another thread I'm on, don't let them go fifty yards to the corner shop when they're 9. Now go away and reconcile the two.

I would never have dreamed of trying to talk DD into a course or a university choice. I was there as a sounding board. Not something I feel I would have been any good at if I had not seen the university for myself.
I don't think I'd ever describe an investment of that size irrelevant. It really is relevant and the student needs to understand it's a lot of money to pay for something if it's not what they really want.
Anyway OP, you seem sure that your way is the right way so there's not a great deal more to say.

I'm absolutely not saying my way is right or wrong, it just feels so very very different to way it was when I was 18.

I felt a bit of a spare part going with her, an interloper in a dream, a choice, a future that is hers, not mine.

I know she'll make the right choice for her (she always does), but I strongly suspect it won't be the choice I, or especially DH, will be happiest with.

We live in the sticks and DD1 isn't a great one for peer group friends. So it's not that we are uninvolved parents, quite the reverse, she spends a great deal of time with us. We shop together, chatter in the car and in an evening. DH and her disappear to do their hobby together for whole weekends.

I'd love her to go somewhere in the south of England, where we might see her at least once in term time, but it's not my choice. If she ends up in Scotland, I have to accept it.

However, much I believe in roots and wings, I don't want to let my PFB go.

It really is insult Elephant's DD on this thread isn't it.
Fortunately she is a far more kind hearted, hard working and generous charecter than some posters here.

Clearly in your case the apple did fall far from the tree then!

No one has insulted your DD.

Your OP and subsequent posts on the other hand infer that there is something wrong, something deficient with DC, like mine, who are accompanied on uni open days. So who is insulting whom?

My DS is not an adult and if he asks me to accompany him to Open Days to act as a sounding board, or just for support, then that is what I will do. Frankly I do not give a flying fig how that looks to anyone. They are not my concern - my DS is.

It really is insult Elephant's DD on this thread isn't it. Fortunately she is a far more kind hearted, hard working and generous charecter than some posters here.

Clearly in your case the apple did fall far from the tree then!

No one has insulted your DD.

Your OP and subsequent posts on the other hand infer that there is something wrong, something deficient with DC, like mine, who are accompanied on uni open days. So who is insulting whom?

My DS is not an adult and if he asks me to accompany him to Open Days to act as a sounding board, or just for support, then that is what I will do. Frankly I do not give a flying fig how that looks to anyone. They are not my concern - my DS is.

If you think going to an open day makes you an interloper in a dream then it's possible that you are overthinking it slightly.

I think you should read up on introverts, so then you could recognise our many excellent qualities rather than thinking it's such a pity we aren't all racing about being 'chatty'.