University open days and parents.

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

Having been to one by herself and one with me (engineering works ruining the train).

We would both love to know,

1. Why everyone seems to take a parent. (And even a very good, but bored sick 8y sibling)
   
   And especially
   
   Why do 16/17/18 year olds sit there letting their parents do the talking!

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

I really didn't think this topic would stir up such a bun fight.

I think I've touched a raw nerve, and perhaps, I'm not the only person who wonders exactly when is the right time to let go.

[Bonsoir]

They let you know when they are ready to be let go! They stop asking your opinion!

[tallulah]

I really didn't think this topic would stir up such a bun fight.

You didn't? Even when it comes up regularly and always has the same responses?

Back in the olden days when students got grants everyone went by themselves. Now that university represents a massive outlay, including a huge contribution from parents, parents quite naturally want some involvement.

Also, as parents we are supposed to be engaged in and involved with our children's education. My parents didn't know who my teachers were, whether or not I was doing homework etc. Now we are held responsible for everything to do with education from age 4 until 18. So to just drop those reins at 18 and say "you are on your own" isn't going to happen.

[Notinaminutenow]

Well said tallulah

[SauvignonBlanche]

I really didn't think this topic would stir up such a bun fight.

I don't think it's the topic so much as the criticism of children who are not as confident as yours that was likely to cause offence.

The other DCs just walked around more like shy 10 year olds than young adults about to live on their own.

[Bowlersarm]

I really didn't think this topic would stir up such a bunfight

Then your tone should have been slightly less condescending, especially in your opening post.

[MrSheen]

If you don't want to stir up a bunfight then don't be so bloody rude. Even now you are wittering on about how people simply don't know how to let go, the poor dears. My Mum came to one of mine in the '90s. She was given a pack of info especially for parents, and while we were a bit about it, it is proof that it most definitely was done even back then. it wasn't because I was a 'shy 10 year old' although I've never done the bounding/chatty thing either. It was because the train was too expensive and as I had already been working for 3 years, getting myself to school and back in a different city for 7 years, had travelled extensively in Britain without parents and had backpacked around Western Europe we didn't have to prove some sort of ridiculous point about me being able to cope with a well structured day with hundreds of people there specifically to make sure I didn't get lost. It didn't occur to me to try to prove independence because I already was independent.

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

Why do Y12/13 let their parents speak for them at university open days? Is condescending!

Teachers expect DCs far younger than that to speak up in lessons.

Y10/11s are expected to walk into local businesses and cold call for works experience (very bad form to get mum to phone).

DD1's Doctor expects her to go in on her own. (Even when she stated very clearly she wanted me to stay.)

But somehow, it's wrong to think DCs shouldn't ask their own questions about what they will study for the next three+ years and be paying for for the next 20.

[secretsquirrels]

Tallulah Well put. Being shy /introverted isn't a matter of bad parenting. Just as being uber confidant and assertive isn't down to good parenting. It's mostly in the genes.

As for letting go the apron strings. My parents let go rather too soon, around 13 I recall. Didn't know what homework was, didn't notice. That's why I left school at 16.
My relationship with my DC is so far removed from that it's hard to believe.

[Bowlersarm]

Why do Y12/13 let their parents speak for them at university open days?

Because they want them to? And what the bloody hell has it got to do with you? Fuck all?

[Notinaminutenow]

Go MrSheen!

As someone whose mother lost interest in my education when I was about 14, I would have loved for someone to be with me at my open days. Independence at this age is overrated.

And before you feel inclined to condescend Elephants, I was just fine. My independent thinking DS knows however that I am here, not letting go, for as long as he needs and wants. He doesn't have to prove anything to anyone and certainly wandering around a uni campus alone is no test of independence.

Different strokes Elephants, different strokes.

[MrSheen]

Why do Y12/13 let their parents speak for them at university open days? Is condescending!

Maybe because they have enough social skills know it's fucking rude to tell another adult that they aren't allowed to ask questions at an information event. Maybe they are past the 'Muuuuummmmm your sooooooo embarassssiingggg' stage. The students may have researched the course a hell of a lot more than the parents and may not feel it's necessary to ask questions. There may be dozens of reasons, non of which relate to everyone else being a pathetic loser when held up to the shining light of your dd.

[Notinaminutenow]

DD1's Doctor expects her to go in on her own. (Even when she stated very clearly she wanted me to stay.)

Really?!

My GP niece says she would never insist that a person comes in to see her alone. She would always encourage someone to accompany them if that made them more comfortable.

Perhaps you should spend less time worrying about the perceived failings of our young people and take the time to find a new GP.

[boys3]

elephant I do fear that you are massively over generalising. Neither do I think a school lesson has a remotely similar purpose to a university open day.

Yes some parents are overly pushy, and I can recollect a couple of cringe inducing questions at the Open Days I had the temerity to attend with DS1 when he was going through the application process. However in the main they, parent(s), are there to listen, act as sounding boards - presumably you wouldn't question the value of mentoring and coaching in the business world. Largely, rather like Victorian school children, parents should perhaps be seen but not heard at open days. I would argue that on accommodation, usually informal tours, parents do often have valid questions to ask that their DC often would not even thought about. And having a younger DC available can be useful to demonstrate how tiny and of limited use some en-suites in Uni halls are :)

[SauvignonBlanche]

Why do Y12/13 let their parents speak for them at university open days? Is condescending

I have already explained in a previous post that in my personal situation, DS will ask me to speak for him in new social situations as he has AS.

Once he gets to know the lecturer they'll be begging him to shut up! As I also said earlier, he hadn't attended any open days as I was hospitalised all summer. I'm trying to encourage him to go on some visits but he's reluctant to go with me, never mind without me. I've booked one visit myself, yes he should be doing this, but not all students are the same.

I realise that not all teenagers are like my DS, it's a shame that other people cannot understand that not children are like theirs.

[Anthracite]

My DD went to an open day on Saturday. I said I'd drop her off and she looked at me in horror.

I accompanied her but she took the lead. We had a good talk about it afterwards. I can't see the problem. I guess my DD is a weakling.

[Bowlersarm]

Your DC, and a lot of the other DC's on MN it seems, Anthracite. (Oh, except the ops of course)

[titchy]

OP you clearly went to an open day with your dd - why?

And yes change your GP - any patient should be able to bring someone into the consulting room if they choose, and especially so if the patient is a child, or very young adult.

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

Some spectacular point missing here.

Of course I know some DCs are far shyer than others. I just strongly suspect that many wouldn't be quite so shy if their parents weren't there.

Although DD1 says she thinks some of them would, given her teachers having to threaten extra HW before her class will actually speak.

DDs GP was just someone in their mid 50's trying to do the right thing faced with a just 16y and judging it slightly wrong.
(DD won't see the best GP in the practice, because she knows him out of work).

[SauvignonBlanche]

Some spectacular point missing here

I agree

[Anthracite]

OP, we are social people. We like to do things with other people, even the alien species known as parents. I think empathetic DCs also realise that parents would like to have a glimpse into their offsprings' future lives. It's called being sociable.

[MrSheen]

Some spectacular point missing here

Yes, isn't there

[Beingfrank]

We have done a mixture of her going with friends and being accompanied by a parent. In fact had a lovely day yesterday at my old uni, accompanied by dd and her 14 year old brother. Why did we take him as well? Why not? It is half term, he had nothing better to do, and I thought it might inspire him - which it did.

[skylark2]

Not getting into the bunfight...

DD didn't particularly want to go to open days with me, however she did want to not go to them alone.

A couple she went to with friends on the train.
A couple she went to with a friend + the friend's parent
One I was going to take her and a friend to, but they both decided the day before that actually they weren't interested in applying there so we didn't go.
One she went to with me, because none of her friends were interested in going there.

That's where she's ended up, but I don't think the fact it was the one I went to had anything to do with it.

[BackforGood]

My ds presents as being one of those very confident ones. Yes, he asked questions when we went, yes he talked to people showing us round etc., but he also liked the fact that afterwards he was able to mull over the pros and cone with someone else who had also been there.
I don't see that as odd. I see that as pretty normal for sociable people about to make a fairly impotant decison in their life. We didn't try to persuade him to go anywhere, but we were able to ask more informed questions for him to think about.