Waaaaa, nasty teacher was mean to my PFB!!! :)

[LucasNorthCanSpookMeAnytime]

DD has just started and is terribly nervous - which this particular teacher knows. She arrived at school early this morning but then had a problem with something which was absolutely not her fault and which would cause her to be 5 mins late for her first lesson. A member of staff who helped her said it was fine and to explain to her teacher what had happened. DD did this but the teacher was really cross with her anyway for being late and said she didn't care what the reason was and threatened her with detention and now DD is really upset. I guess they are just trying to get them used to the idea that they must be on time but the way the teacher dealt with this was just so unneccessary and has gone a long way to spoiling DD's good first few days :(

So what do I say to DD about things like this? (as this sort of thing is obviously going to happen again). I've told her that maybe it's just a lesson in knowing that some things in life are going to be unfair and that you have to learn to let it things go and move on. But then I don't want to teach her to just accept unfairness without querying it or standing up for herself!

Difficult one. My ds got totally bawled out by the games teacher for literally being 2 minutes late, because the headmaster wanted to talk to my ds! They do have to reinforce that lateness isn't acceptable as they do get students who start to wander in late with no valid reason, but I do think sometimes the other teachers need to weigh up the validity of the excuse before threatening detentions etc
Think the way to deal with it is tell your dd to acknowledge she was late, and perhaps in a quieter moment explain the reasons (not easy I know) and also that some teachers are unfortunately made that way where they shout first and ask questions later. Keep an eye on it and if it becomes more than a one of ask to have a chat with the teacher

In similar situations, I've told ds that - like anyone - teachers can be unreasonable and that, as a rule, it's not worth kicking up a fuss because it generally makes things worse.

I know it sounds terribly pfb, but given your daughter is so new perhaps drop a non- confrontational, non-whinging email to her form tutor asking if she'd have a word with your dd.

You say nothing and I certainly wouldn't bother dropping an email to the form tutor.

Secondary school teacher here who has made this gaffe a few times. Please tell your DD not to take it too personally (difficult I know) but we are trying to drum punctuality into students and discourage long-winded excuses taking up the first half of the lesson. For the future, tell her to ask the teacher who holds her back to give her a note and tell her just to hand that over and sit down. And ask her tutor to have a chat to make her feel better. I hope she gets over it soon.

Thanks, both of you. I really want to email the teacher but I already emailed her with a question yesterday so I don't want to be THAT parent. Pehaps I'll see how DD is about it in the morning and see if she's forgotten it. Just so bloody unecessary All it needed was a kind, quiet word to explain about lateness...

It's character building. All through life she's going to come up against unreasonable and aggressive people, it's best she starts learning to cope with them now. When they are in a position of authority like this and she is technically in the wrong then suck it up. Same will stand with traffic wardens, local council planning officers and any other jobsworths with an ounce of power.

Horrible for your DD. Teacher's out of order. I'm sure you've explained to your DD that, as is the case with all groups of people, some teachers will be unreasonable and some downright horrible.

Agree with champagne that in future get a note from teacher who made her late, knock, enter, apologise for being late, hand over note and sit down.

I have taught my DS to pick his battles. I do the same.....

Oh and it's not "character building" madam. It can be character crushing.

It's unkind and unreasonable to react this way to a y7 child being unavoidably late.

Bit of an absence of kindness in too many schools in my opinion.

And it is worth being aware that sometimes children can be overly sensitive think they have had a good telling off, is a rather extreme interpretation of what has happened. I would play it down,when discussing it with her, rather than being outraged by the treatment she has received. If you react in an outraged way, she is more likely to feel aggrieved and be overly sensitive to the way she is treated.
I definitely wouldn't be emailing or phoning after one or two incidents, so early in the term. Wait and see. Listen to see if your DD regularly complains about a similar thing.....don't ask if the teacher has been mean, as this will just encourage negative reports. Don't just accept what is said at face value, but dig a bit deeper about the circumstances. And accept to some extent, your DD needs to be a it more thick skinned and learn to cope. She will encounter many teachers with different personalities, and will have to learn to manage.
In This situation, I would be looking to help my child find ways to avoid it in future....how to be more prompt etc, rather than dwelling on this specific incident and to aportion blame to someone else.

Why was she late?
I had a couple of Y7s late yest because they'd forgotten their planners and went to Reception to look up what they had. That wasn't acceptable. Also another took himself off to the toilet, again, they should have come to me and asked first.
Conversely, had a girl whose shoe buckle had broken. She couldn't walk in her shoe and had to get it sorted (wait while someone called home to bring in other shoes). She was excused for that as it was genuine.

And I think it is interesting that some posters are quickly jumping to the defence of the girl and calling the teacher unkind and unreasonable.

Whilst some teachers might be unkind and unreasonable, there are far more children who will report that they are. I am not saying DD is lying at all, but the 12 year olds perception of events, can be rather hmmm....narrow and one-sided. So often a child reports that the teacher told them off because they were late and mentions another teacher holding them back....but forgets to mention that they also then went via their locker to the lesson,mor some other crucial detail.

In these kind of situations, there is often more to the situation than is reported. I am not saying we should think our children are lying, but just appreciate that we don't always get the full picture...so we should be slow to jump to conclusions and judgements.

I think in the first few weeks the teachers are trying to assert their authority and act much stricter than they actually are. I can understand why your DD was upset. I agree your should not label yourself as the-parent-from-hell this early on. I am that parent unfortunately, though to be honest few things bother DD or me anymore.

Yes chocolate I said it was unkind and unreasonable.

It's week 2. They are finding their feet. They are young (in my DS's case he turned 11 only ten days ago!) If it was week 6 I would say she should know better.

I did also say one should pick one's battles and I teach my DS to do the same. It's not worth contacting school at this point.

I also went to school. The vast majority of teachers were fantastic, dedicated individuals. Some though were awful, shouty and aggressive. They were unkind and unreasonable.

Thanks for continued thoughts, everyone. Wombat, that's a very good point about DD's interpretation of it being different to what actually happened. The language the teacher used isn't open to interpretation but the tone of voice could be. And yes, I had said to DD that the teacher was probably trying to assert authority early on.

She was late because her locker key wouldn't work. She actually went in early so that she had time to sort the locker out but in the end she had to get a caretaker to open it for her as it was impossible - she asked other children to help and they couldn't do it either so it's definitely not just her. It's not even week 2 for her, it's only her 3rd day!! :(

I think I am struggling with this more than DD :)

The teacher may have said that if she continues to be late then a detention was on the cards, in a sort of way explaining to the whole class the rules. You child didn't get a detention, just a warning.

Six years ago I issued a DT to a year 7 who was 10 minutes late to my lesson. She had gone to the loo. Last year she left with 11A* and as Head Girl. I taught her English for all five years. For five years she reminded me of my 'evil' deed! I say it made her the wonderful young woman she is now! Good habits are established early just tell your DD that in future go to the class, explain and it will be fine.

Sounds like a reasonable excuse/reason then.
I explain to Year 7 early on that if they need to do something terribly important for any reason then to come and see me first, get their mark and 9 times out of 10 I'll let them quickly go on their errand.

Do report faulty locker to the school if it hasn't been already - site team should be able to get that sorted quickly and all maintenance issues should be logged anyway.

I think I am struggling with this more than DD

Is this the nub of it? Part of the Y7 experience, as a parent, is adjusting to the very different relationship that exists between parent and school.

just tell your DD that in future go to the class, explain and it will be fine.

But it won't be fine, if this teacher is anything to go by.

I explain to Year 7 early on that if they need to do something terribly important for any reason then to come and see me first, get their mark and 9 times out of 10 I'll let them quickly go on their errand.

Thanks. In hindsight I think she should have done this but, annoyingly, another teacher had already told her to go to the locker first!

Is this the nub of it?

Not at all. The nub of it is that my DD (who has a long history of school phobia/refusal) just had her good start spoiled by something that could easily have been avoided and has made since her decide she's cared of this teacher. And once she gets an idea into her head it is VERY difficult to talk her out of it. I'm just angry on her behalf.

Maud! Sorry, I didn't noticed it was you! Sorry, I don't tend to look at posters names

Maudant, you are so right about how different the relationships are at secondary v primary. That's been the biggest 'shock' for me since my

pfb Ds started Y7 last week.

There have already been a few detentions doled out for late-to-lesson or forgetting equipment / books to students in his tutor. My heart bleeds as these little 11 year olds have no idea what's hit them! But I think its important they start the way they mean to go on and encorage the new students to take responsibility for timekeeping and all their stuff.

Its great some teachers have put their side forward on this thread.

VonHerrBurton - Yup. I went through all of this a year ago, when my PFB moved up to secondary school.

Spooky - There's been plenty of sound suggestions here already. It was our experience that, in the first couple of weeks, teachers were ultra-strict about all aspects of the school rules. Being prompt for lessons was one of those rules. Things then became a little more relaxed.

I understand that your dd feels a sense of injustice that her reasons for being late weren't listened to, but this was (I assume) one small part of an otherwise happy and successful day for her.

I wouldn't fret. Teacher will have forgotten about it and so should your Dd you
And Yy to coolas. They are very twittery ATM.

That's true Coolas, yesterday I had Y13 followed by Y7. Chalk and cheese.