How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

[sunshine75]

I've read some pretty horrific things lately about boarding schools and the damage they can cause. See this article from the Guardian.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jul/20/damage-boarding-school-sexual-abuse-children

However, I have no personal experience of one and have no close friends who went to one. Therefore, I don't want to be hasty in forming a negative opinion about them.

So, if you chose to send your child to a boarding school then I'm curious as to why you chose to? For example, why did you chose boarding over a really good day school? Is there anyone who chose a boarding school for a much younger child and was this a really hard thing to do?

happy you sound a hundred year's old ...oh these young people today...

My Grandad used to come out with shizzle like that!!!

Seriously, if I lived in the arse end of nowhere, I'd probably send my DC boarding.

If I couldn't access the right education other than boarding, I'd probably do it.

If I had to work every hour God sends and could only manage to throw an occasional sandwich at my DC, I'd probably send them boarding.

But it would be a pragmatic decision, based on pros and cons. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't beat myself up about it once the decision was made on, but nor would I go around trying to convince myself and anyone else prepared to listen that it was The Best Way to raise children. That all children except boarders are going to hell in a ahand cart.

Because I'd know that that made me sound very very silly ...

I don't think you can ever justify it for a pre-teen.

Although you can see on this thread the amount of folk who are turning themselves inside out trying to do that.

There isn't a better environment for a young child than to live with its family group, in a home. No learning experiences relating to independence, sport, or a good academic education can override the loss of that secure, personal home environment from which they learn about themselves, other people, and the world.

I find it incredible that people would voluntarily put their child in the care of a public institution at a young age, day after day and night after night. Because that's what it is, no matter how 'good' the quality of care. They have lost the everyday experience of living in a nuclear family through crucial formative years.

I went to a boarding school from the age of 8 and absolutely loved it. I went to three different schools from 8-18 and for me boarding was excellent. My relationship with my parents I think is stronger as I didn't spend the tricky teenage years at home. My parents didn't work abroad or anything just decided (with our input) that boarding was the right thing. My brother went when he was 8 (I was 6 at the time) and I begged to be allowed to go too.

Don't knock it if you don't have experience of it! Sure it's not for everyone but that's up to the parents to choose the right school and what's best for their child. Loads of people just send all their kids to the same school for ease when they may not be suited to it.

Just thinking of all the things my children can do/have to do because they are at day school.
Deal with public transport, take responsibility for pets,cook, remember all their stuff for school, practise instruments, time manage, housework...... the list is endless. And that is as well as making sure they don't run out of hair gel..........

I really wish I had been sent to (obviously a good and not a dysfunctional) boarding school. Getting away from the toxic family dynamic I grew up in would have done me the world of good, as would being able to develop my own sense of self, independence and self sufficiency.

Clearly, I am looking at things through rose tinted glasses, but applying the pros that I see listed by those who have had positive experiences of boarding school to my own life, I can see what a big and positive difference it could have made to my life.

Happy my daughter had the same experience as she navigates through Heathrow for her flight back to HK and vice versa. Obviously her Uncle takes her to the airport and asked if she wants a chaperone. Which she always declined even at the tender age of 11. The look on her face....She was quite annoyed to be disturbed every 30 mins on a 12 hr flight by the air stewardess.

Yet when she is at home she can still play very childish games with her father.. Who seems to relish the oppurtunity.

So does boarding mean no home life? I would say no. We just pack i as much as we can when she is with us.

The alternative is a life of tutoring to keep up with her peers at school...

So I prefer boarding for my DD...She loves it...

I'm wasn't aware word that I'm sounding silly in which case I'll shut up and walk the dog.
haculyt et al (the anti boarding brigade) it doesn't matter what we say you won't even remotely concede that in our situations and for our children it works well, despite many of us telling why we do it and what makes it fine and also what advantages it brings. But actually it doesnt matter what one jot what any of you think because we know it's a positive life changing experience, we know that many of our children are receiving a fantastic education and having opportunities and experiences that many your DC's can only dream of and thus for us it's the absolute best choice.
Finally as word said I may sound like an old women but my experience at university was genuine a few children maybe learn all the skills I listed at a good school/home/sport but I can tell you from my work experience and my recent Uni experience many many sadly aren't.

Nice happy. Remember, it is your wealth that is providing your children with "opportunities and experiences that many your DC's can only dream of". Regardless of how irritated you may be at being criticised for your decisions, it behoves you and all those wealthy enough to have the choice to make a decision as to whether or not to send their children to exclusive boarding schools to remember that not everyone is so fortunate as to have that choice.

And I do realise that some parents have to scrimp and save to do so, but they are still able to afford the fees by scrimping and saving. Many people couldn't even dream of doing that.

The thing is, happygardening, that you seem to refuse to accept that there is anything negative about boarding. Nobody's sad, or homesick, or misses their dog, or is ever desperate for a cuddle.. It's all wonderful, the teachers love the kids, the kids never miss out on family life because they can pack an entire year's worth into 19 weeks.........

Equally Hakluyt you refuse to accept there are any positives!

IMO there are obvious advantages and disadvantages to both boarding and day schools. Some children will thrive in one or the other, some would do equally well in both.

The 'pro' boarders on this thread would never start a thread saying 'anyone who sends their kids to day school is making the wrong choice'. It's just astonishingly rude and ignorant to attach the perfectly valid choices boarding parents make.

Or attack even

I have to say I don't think that boarding-school is the only way for young people to become independent or use public transport or sort out their own conditioner.

I am acutely aware of my own failings as a parent, but my lovely daughters are quite good at running their own lives.

'Boarding school' could not have been as my 'Secondary Modern school'.

I wish I had the money to have sent DD1 to boarding school, when she failed her 11+ (or to any private school). My 2nd niece attends boarding school and loves it , she has been boarding since the age of 11 for 3 years.
DD2 would have loved to have joined her and is quite 'envious' .

The point is there all kind of problems at all types of schools, look at the story from Robert Peston in the Times about is time at school. Schools that are good and suitable including boarding schools create a caring and the right atmosphere for the child to excel academically as well emotionally.

Boarding school could not have been as bad as my Secondary Modern.

Not to persuade or justify but again personal experience to share with those who are interested. One previous comment highlighted the positives of different friendship groups for different activities when doing these as outside school activities. We also thought that. My non boarding DC does a huge amount of mixed outside school stuff and appears to make good friendships easily but has recently commented that this diverse mixing together with shorter school days makes piecemeal more superficial friendships and is actually contemplating boarding for the perceived fun of shared activities enhancing stronger friendships (as experienced by my DS). Again that viewpoint would not apply to all DC.
Obviously in a boarding school extracurricular activities also broaden friendships with different types of people although not always socioeconomically .

Dreamgirls - I think I acknowledged that some parents had to scrimp and save. Nevertheless, it is a fact that even with help from charities etc (and I don't know how many of those don't require some sort of specific qualification from the child or parent, whether that is a particualr talent or level of intelligence or whatever), there are still many many parents who would not be able to afford the extra fees they still have to pay. Therefore happygardening's rather smug comment about opportunities was somewheat insensitive.

I am not against boarding, by the way. I can appreciate it is right for some children and not for others. Personally, I think it is far less likely to be right at 8 than it would be at 13, but I can also appreciate that there will be exceptions to this too.

And I am with those who think that there are more ways to teach your children independnece than sending them to boarding school. I think the problem nowadays is the terror of stranger danger which makes parents scared to let their children out of their sight. The experience of boarding school probably lessens this terror, but an ability to properly weigh up risk would do the same. My DD is only 4 but I very much hope DH and I will be able to foster a sense of independence in her without the need to send her away to school (unless she makes that choice herself at an appropriate age, of course).

I work in a boarding school and have worked in boarding schools for over 5 years. We have about 700 children 600 of whom full board the rest are day children. The vast majority from happy well adjusted families in my experience love boarding, they thrive, boarding is an add on to their already well adjusted happy family lives, those who are from unhappy families often arriving with various problems can also settle some sadly then don't want to go home in their holidays etc, others of course don't but it's not usually the actual boarding that's causing the problem, then we have a small group who arrive with significant mental health problems or other problems we are very proud of our success with them, we are often their advocate, speaking on their behalf to their parents, teachers, doctors etc. in many cases we are their port in the storm. Of course every year a small % never settle and our advise and that given by the house staff is always that they would be better of at a day school. Our day children frequently want to change to boarding but we often don't have sufficient beds.
I just don't recognise the problems described by those who oppose boarding so vociferously. We are bound by a legally binding code of conduct, it is our obligation to speak out if we feel that those in our care are being damaged or traumatised in any way, I wouldn't continue working in an environment if it was as awful as many who have posted on this thread seem to think it is.

Also, you don't have to justify your decisions to the people on here. Whilst very different topics in themselves, the BF/FF, SAHM/WOHM, pro-/anti-nursery debates are all the same on MN. People have totally entrenched viewpoints either way and you can turn yourself inside out putting your own views and experiences across but you are never going to change anyone's minds. All you can do is view it as an amusing bit of time-wasting or take yourself off to a nicer part of Mumsnet (the Camping board is very friendly, for instance).

Of course kids are happy at boarding school. And of course there are good things about it for individuals. I am not talking about individuals. I am talking about boarding as a concept.

"they learn dad more skills then a day pupil would and it equips them for life better."
Dreamgirls- this is what I really don't get. What skills and how does it equip them for life better?

Hacluyt I think you need to have your eyes tested I have repeatedly said that boarding is not right for all, that some are unhappy ok I haven't actually said that their missing the dog, cat goat, mum or pet elephant or are desperate for a cuddle or homesick or anything else but I always stated that boarding is not right for all and I accept that some children emerge traumatised but then some children emerge very traumatised even from the oh so wonderful state day sector. I notice most of those who post on here who have school refusers aren't at boarding school they mainly seem to be in state day schools. Neither are mist of the school refusers I meet at work, in fact. But by acknowledging boarding is not right for some this does not mean that boarding is not right for anyone.

You notice I have never used the word "traumatised"..........

I'm confused you accept that kids are happy at boarding school and there are good things about it but you don't agree with the "concept" . But those children who are happy and are experiencing good things are having all of this because of "boarding as a concept".
We tell you what the benefits are, you tell us day children get all of this, I then tell you this is not always my experience you don't accept this. You can't see any advantages from living communally with all the things learn, you describe it as a "niche skill, I frankly think it's a very useful skill particularly in the work place, least it would be in mine. It's a pointless argument.

I hope you've noticed that Ive never said boarding is right for all.