How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

[sunshine75]

I've read some pretty horrific things lately about boarding schools and the damage they can cause. See this article from the Guardian.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jul/20/damage-boarding-school-sexual-abuse-children

However, I have no personal experience of one and have no close friends who went to one. Therefore, I don't want to be hasty in forming a negative opinion about them.

So, if you chose to send your child to a boarding school then I'm curious as to why you chose to? For example, why did you chose boarding over a really good day school? Is there anyone who chose a boarding school for a much younger child and was this a really hard thing to do?

It's the complete lack of supervision in the evening/over bedtime at Hogwarts that's always amazed me. I mean they got a bit carried away after a quidditch match once and a teacher came to tell them to go to bed. Every other night they just took themselves off to bed when they were tired?

Yeah right. Obviously never worked in boarding JK Rowling

"Without exception the parents I know who have sent children to birding school have done it for snob value"
I've no doubt there is some of that out there especially for one some schools which I won't name. Although these kind of schools are usually over subscribed but I think this is a small minority at least it us amongst our friends.
You've got to be pretty committed to being a snob to cheerfully stump up virtually double the fees. Realistically boarding especially for those with more than 1 DC is outside of the financial reach of most people.

Some people are committed to being a snob like that happy...

When my DC's prep school cohort were in the process of deciding on secondary school, there was a minority who absolutely were choosing termly boarding schools based on what they perceieved as some sort of hierarchy.

They would wander around, chests puffed out, speaking in de sotto tones about how X school ranks above Y school. Expecting everyone to be super impressed by the mention of Oundle or Harrow or wherever. Never once mentioning the issue of whether termly boarding is right for a girl/boy of 11 or 13.

Fortunately, such people are on the wane.

Both my DC's secondary schools offer weekly boarding. Full boarding is really reserved for foreign students (usually Chinese).

For some DC it's much more practical. DS school in particular, attracts boys from a very large catchment, so it would be horrendous/impossible for them to try to do a school run each day.

DD's school also offers flexi boarding and some girls do two/three days a week. You can also get ad hoc places (if there are beds). This is super helpful to parents whose schedules might clash only occasionally. Or during periods when girls might be at school extremely late.

That kind of snobbery where it's all about what looks best, rather than what is right for the child is one of those things that stuffs up children in boarding school.

Everyone else, including posters on here who obviously care, will be on the look out for signs of the child's unhappiness.

My DD attends an independent girls' day school fairly close to home. She is in her second year of secondary school and she bloody loves it. She seems to have some sort of sport or choir or band or school event on most nights, and is at the river near school for rowing training four mornings a week at 6 am.

Frankly, if Monday-Friday boarding were on offer she would be desperate to go, and it would make my life (full-time working in fairly senior & demanding job) a whole lot easier. I'd jump at the chance.

I can totally see the benefit in boarding for some kids.

Teacherwithtwo I had siblings who boarded, generally positively but like you I would n't have been persuaded that the advantages of boarding in our case outweighed daily family life. Ditto my DH. We ended up sending one DC boarding because of his desire (yes his desire) to go to a better school than was locally available for him age 10. It was a brave decision on his part (and a difficult one for us) especially as he was initially homesick. Several years on it is increasingly clear of the benefits he has reaped, not just from the day education but the boarding aspect. and how very happy and fulfilled he is. It has also become clear to us how different boarding is particularly boys' boarding from the experience of our generation. There seems much more emotional warmth in the schools we have experienced and encouragement of diversity. There is also easy easy communication.

I know boarding schools have changed - and I actually quite liked my school and so did dh, but no matter how amazing the pastoral care it can't substitute in most cases for being at home with a loving parent. The advantage of bs, in my case, was it made me really appreciate my parents and home. But that's a warped reason to send a child.

And yes, the snobby parents are on the wane, but they still form a large chunk. I'd argue the Kazakhs, Nigerians etc who send their kids to British bs are displaying the same snob values, it's just they have the money now.

Actually Saganoren the loving parenting does n't stop because they are physically away from you just as it does n't when they are at school during the day or at activities in the evening or weekend or away for other reasons; the parental micromanagement which is more prevalent now does stop. I think some parents find the latter harder than others.
I think the openness in communication (which I was worried about) much more depends on how family relationships are and teenager development. Sometimes strangely they can be more open when not face to face.
It is hard as a parent though not being physically with them but then I found it hard when they went to school and will find it hard at the next phase.

summer making your kids their tea, chatting to them about their day/successes/problems, watching an episode of Death in Paradise together and kissing them good night is NOT micromanaging!

Of course parents who send their children to baording school love their children. In my opinion, however, children are usually better off living with their parents - especially under 13s, the older a child the less of a problem I have with him/her boarding. That is my opinion and I understand other people think differently and are free to make their own decisions wrt their children's lives.

"the parental micromanagement which is more prevalent now does stop."

Since when has a family dinner and watching Bake Off together been "micromanaging"??????????!

I do find the use of the word "independent" to mean "isn't homesick" a bit strange. Many of the things which I think make a child independent are not possible at boarding school.

See my dd never had that anyway

It was pick her up from school, drop her off at dance with a packed tea. Struggle to try & fit in time to do homework in the car. Get back just before bedtime & straight off for a shower.

What do the people on here who have a problem with boarding think of those parents in places such as the smaller Scottish Islands who have no real choice other than to send their children to boarding?

"Most of the children we are talking about are teenagers. Many, even when at a day school, will have activities/interests such that chatting during mealtimes and watching tv together is not a compulsory every day activity."

Most families do chat over mealtimes most days don't they? I have two busy teenagers- but they still have to eat!

No Halliburton, I'm afraid we don't.

I get home with ds around 5pm. He is starving so unless he has an activity he has a sandwich type tea then

I can't eat that early so eat later.

Dh & dd arrive home at 7.30pm. She has eaten at school so gets in & straight on to homework. Dh eats then

Ds by that time is playing in his computer

Prior to dd starting the school she is now at as I said she ate on the hoof at the dance school.

TV tends not to be switched on until after they have gone to bed though ds does watch cartoons earlier before dh gets home.

Chatty communal meals are a big part of boarding. I don't think you need to experience these with a parent every day to get the benefit of them. Parents can't magically do dinner conversation better than anyone else.

Parents can still provide love and support in other ways.

Often boarders have more time for nice things like this when you cut out the travelling and the consideration for others timetables that inevitably has to happen in family life.

Maryz I agree with the levelling thing. One of the things I have been doing while looking round schools with DS is to ask (separately) housemasters and boys how much pocket money they have/ is the norm and I was pleasantly surprised how low the numbers were - seems like no one really has cash to flash around at school and no one much cares (a couple of HM's did mention that some parents insist on giving their DC debit/credit cards but that the school doesn't approve, but we never came across a boy who thought that was normal/ expected/ desirable). In a day school environment I think the material differences would be a lot more evident.

I can see how the micro managing their lives would stop.
Some dc are chauffered around from one activity to another, their every minute spoken for.
I know some dc who ever have 5 mins to themselves, their day starting at 7ish being taken to wraparound care, collected, taken to school, picked up, ferried somewhere else, it never stops.
Some people do this out of necessity others out of preference.
The fact remains their time ismicro managed.
Not all dc do get to eat with parents, watch tv together, some hardly see parents and are not at boarding school.
I can see how boarding school would be a ood solution for families like this who hardly see their kids anyway.
This isn't a slur btw, our life was similar to this before e started H.ed and still is to a certain extent, I just happen to be experiencing the micro management too