How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

[sunshine75]

I've read some pretty horrific things lately about boarding schools and the damage they can cause. See this article from the Guardian.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jul/20/damage-boarding-school-sexual-abuse-children

However, I have no personal experience of one and have no close friends who went to one. Therefore, I don't want to be hasty in forming a negative opinion about them.

So, if you chose to send your child to a boarding school then I'm curious as to why you chose to? For example, why did you chose boarding over a really good day school? Is there anyone who chose a boarding school for a much younger child and was this a really hard thing to do?

[happygardening]

"All the family glue"
I have no desire to go into my personal life but my family nearly did become unstuck, (pre boarding days), I've looked straight into the abyss and know what hell looks like. We very nearly became that unstuck family so for us the "glue" is particularly important. Anyone meeting us know who doesn't know what happened see's a happy caring well adjusted be it eccentric family. For us it's not the seeing each other every day that glues us together, it's what we get from the periods we spend together, how we communicate with each other, respect each other, listen to each other, laugh with and at each other, tease each other, cry, discuss, analyse, argue, our obvious love for each other, that's the "glue" that has enabled us to survive a major trauma and come out stronger than before. Maybe you have to nearly loose everything to know how important that family glue is and that it's not about quantity but quality.
It's so easy to judge other parents or other people in general, so many told me what to do when it's was all going wrong and then turned away or criticised me when I wouldn't do what they suggested, to make assumptions, and say my way is the best way or the only way, to feel threatened by those who don't or can't conform to the accepted norm of your circle of friends but we all do what it right for us in our individual circumstances. That's a lesson I learnt from my time looking into the abyss.

[motherinferior]

OK, it was just the day-to-day stuff I was wondering about. I know DP didn't, but that was a hell of a long time ago. I do think it's important to get out of school and do things with non-school people, so you've answered my question.

And as I say, my own parents - one of whom had allegedly been traumatised by his experience of boarding and didn't half go on about it and how important it was to be Together as a Family - made the most appalling fist of parenting us and frankly getting away would have been a bloody good thing. I still won't use the word 'family' if I can possibly help it.

[Lottiedoubtie]

I've been out for a few hours and the discussions moved on a bit since I last contributed.

But I'd just like to say, 'what Maryz said' all of it.

Boarding isn't one size fits all, or even one school fits all. It is a varied, flexible and ever changing lifestyle which differs hugely school to school.

It is simply shortsighted to make sweeping generalisations about whether or not sending a child can be morally defensible. Depends on the family, depends on the school and mostly depends on the child.

In some cases it's wonderful, in others not so much, why is that so difficult for some people to grasp?

[morethanpotatoprints]

We haven't even decided about allowing dd to board but I appreciate all the experiences shared by parents of boarders.
I find it very sad that once again the unknown (to some) can bring out such criticism, and fail to undertand how people who haven't experienced something can make such sweeping generalisations.
to happyGardening Maryz and others for sharing.

[Expatmomma]

My DS aged 10 is off to boarding school as a full boarder in September.

He will comme home every 6 weeks and I will see him every 3 weeks. He will also see my parents who live near the school.

We are expats and he has several different SEN combined with a high IQ.

He is not reaching his full potential in our local international school.

He is also bloody miserable and due to his SEN unable to cope with the large noisy environment he is currently in.

His school here can not meet his needs. There is no other school here that can meet his needs.

He has been accepted into a UK boarding school which can meet his needs.

He spent 24 hours there a few months ago and loved it.

I feel we have no choice but to offer him this chance.

I am sure he will have good and bad days but when every day before was miserable we have to act and do something.

[scottishmummy]

Frankly if someone asked me on mn to justify my parenting,id think jog on
I sent my weans to nursery ft,don't go to trips,don't attend sport day.to derision of mn massif
I imagine,just like the myriad of choices folk make,that boarding school seemed legit

I'll happily chew the fat,argue the toss on mumsnet.
But hell I've never felt need to justify myself

[Hakluyt]

Morethan- please don't assume that people are commenting from a position of ignorance.

[DeWee]

I went to a school that was 1/4 boarding. Some of those were people who chose to board because they enjoyed it-not that they had dreadful home lives, but they enjoyed boarding.
Ime there were a good number of boarders whose parents returned from abroad and they could stop boarding and chose not to. In the time I was there, there was only one child who started boarding and chose not to continue when she had the option.

Of my dc sometimes I think dd2 would love boarding. We couldnt' afford it, so she hasn't the option, but I think she'd love the living in a community and all the advantages with boarding. Dd1 wouldn't-she's very committed to various after school clubs and wouldn't want to stop/do them elsewhere, and also needs her space.
Ds is only 7yo and I think there would be some aspects he could love (sports wise mostly!) but at present he would find the noise too much and needs time to discharge on his own or he finds things overwhelming. He's also a mummy's boy and would miss his hugs, but that might not be so much as issue when he reaches 11.

Although one of my friends at university had been (for good reasons) at boarding school since he was 7yo. We invited him to come and have pancakes and were most amused when he produced the rolling pin. having never seen them made he'd assumed that was the way they were made. Only time he did make a mistake like that though.

[happygardening]

But Hakluyt you once stated on a similar thread that you knew no more than 10 boarders. Your God children board I know but this hardly represents the whole boarding population!
No one has said boarding is right for all just that it's not the emotional train crash that many portray it to be.
Your experiences is not mine, or that if many children/patents at boarding schools.

[happygardening]

I suspect my DS might produce a rolling pin as well to make a pankake actually he wouldn't as he doesn't know what a rolling pin is.

[MarshaBrady]

Morethanpotato I should also say that a few loved it from the start and most went on to enjoy it without homesickness after a couple of years. So age 15 seemed easy in comparison.

I loved it by the time I was 16 but I was pretty independent by then and chose to stay with friends most weekends.

[scottishmummy]

My children aren't secondary age,nor at boarding school

[morethanpotatoprints]

I think home sickness would be my biggest conern but surely if you and your dc know its the right school you can prepare them for this before they go? No?

Sorry about my posts btw, these keys are sicking and mising letters.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Ah, poor child Dreamgirls It sounds like she had an awful time,I hate hearing stories like this.
She deserves some happiness now, I hope it all works out for you all.

[Saganoren]

I'm sure it's not true of the parents on this thread, but without exception the parents I know who have sent children to boarding schools have done so for the snob value.

A quite common reason in my insane W London neck of the woods is that it's very hard to get into good London day schools and rather than facing the social stigma of sending a child to a "second-division" day school, parents would rather their child went to a boarding school which at least has a brand they can boast about at dinner parties.

I think they're nuts, but hey ho, as has been pointed out we're all different.

Having said that the nursery argument just doesn't stand up. Parents have to work and have to make difficult decisions about childcare. But a baby only needs some affection, clean nappies, food and sleep. A child needs someone to talk to about their day and with whom to share their worries and joys. They are not going to have that at boarding school, at least not in the way most children would have at home.

I went to bs and so did dh, btw.

[NorthWards]

You have to remember Saganoren that these schools are not the same now as they were when you and your DH attended. There is much more affection, better pastoral care, more regular breaks and an overall different environment in the schools these days.

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

Have not RTFT.

One word: Hogwarts.