How do you justify seding your child to boarding school?

[sunshine75]

I've read some pretty horrific things lately about boarding schools and the damage they can cause. See this article from the Guardian.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jul/20/damage-boarding-school-sexual-abuse-children

However, I have no personal experience of one and have no close friends who went to one. Therefore, I don't want to be hasty in forming a negative opinion about them.

So, if you chose to send your child to a boarding school then I'm curious as to why you chose to? For example, why did you chose boarding over a really good day school? Is there anyone who chose a boarding school for a much younger child and was this a really hard thing to do?

My dsil was very happy at his boarding school in the 80s. I asked him if he would want his own sons to go and his answer was interesting."They would love it but I couldn't do it. Childhood is too short and I wouldn't want to miss such a huge chunk of it."
His wife, my dd, just said,"No chance, why would we do that? Every day with them is amazing."

Summerends- but the "oh you're only jealous" line is trotted out soooooo often on threads about private education (which this one isn't as far as I am concerned- I don't agree with state boarding either). It's as if people just can't grasp the concept of an ideological or political objection to something.

Ok, well not much point in discussing the comments.

I think if I were to sum up my thoughts on boarding it would be - yes it was the right choice, but it's not unusual for a child of 12 to want to be at home. I am impressed by the dc on here who skip off. We were crying messes.

It wasn't a bad place, not old fashioned boarding, no bullying just home is where you'd prefer to be. But you get over it after a while which as the people who work in schools say is true now.

However - being a bit inflammatory- I think if boarding was n't a choice for my DC I might be more likely to be drawn to considering all the real or perceived disadvantages of it for my family / DC in a debate.

"However - being a bit inflammatory- I think if boarding was n't a choice for my DC I might be more likely to be drawn to considering all the real or perceived disadvantages of it for my family / DC in a debate."

Really? How strange.

Not really, I would just be making the best out of our lack of choice. Human nature .

So do you subscribe to the "you're all just jealous" mindset?

I am not against boarding in principle and I know there are some wonderful schools out there. It would just bother me that, in extreme stress or unhappiness a teenager (maybe especially a boy) would have no one to turn to for a cuddle and the ressurance that they are loved and protected. They wouldn't be tucked up with a warm drink in a quiet room surrounded bt their 'stuff'. They wouldn't wake up on exam morning to Mum and Dad cooking breakfast and wishing them luck. In other words they wouldn't have 'home' with all that means and it could be just a bit sad.
I have no doubts at all about academic excellence and first class pastoral care in many, maybe even most, boarding schools. I have no doubt that it is a positive experience for many. I don't think any parent of a child at boarding school would come on here and say,"Yes, it is a really bad idea but I chose it anyway." I know many people who could easily afford boarding school and many of them do choose independent day schools but we are lucky anyway in having excellent state schools here. I may move in the wrong circles but apart from my dsils parents I know no one who would willingly send their dc away for most of the year between the ages of 11 and 18..

I honestly don't think the jealousy argument washes with boarding. I am sure there are plenty of people who would love to access private education for their children who cannot afford to do so, and some of them may be jealous of those who can, even possibly to the extent of wishing it wasn't an option for anyone. But I have never heard anyone run that argument specifically with regard to boarding school. Most parents would rather have their children at home with them if they had the choice. As far as I can see everyone on here made a pragmatic choice of boarding school because for their children it offered advantages over the alternatives. Some people choose it because their children want to go, presumably they tend to be older children.

The people who are against it are against it on the principle it is bad for all children despite what those children and their parents and teachers may think. I agree with that by and large for young children, I doubt that is the case for older ones. It will probably be right for some, wrong for others.

Either way, I admire parents who can put their personal feelings aside entirely and make the decision to send their children to board purely on the basis of what they belive to be in their children's best interests. I would hate to have to make that decision. Fortunately am lucky enough to be unlikely to have to as the state (including grammar and super selective) and day private options where I live are excellent. Not everyone is so fortunate I know. Of course, if DD turns out to have some fabulous and so far well hidden talent at, say, ballet, I might have ti think again.

Hakluyt no I don't but I do think there is natural inclination to see the positives of what as a parent you can provide for your DC especially if they are happy and thriving.

Can I just challenge this notion of sending your child away for 'most of the year'. Weekly boarders are at school for approx 5 days a week for approx 34 weeks if the year (depending on school) so that's 170 days, or 102 days where they don't see a parent or their home either in the morning/or evening.

I'll admit the balance does tip the other way for full boarders, but boarding isn't a one size fits all policy.

"I know no one who'd send their DC away most of the year"
My DS has nearly 20 weeks at home I'm not sure "most of the year" is quite the correct term.
"in extreme stress or unhappiness a teenager (maybe especially a boy) would have no one to turn to for a cuddle and thence assurance they are loved and protected"
As a I said up thread I saw both my DS's HM, matron and assistant matron hug my DS recently, and his HM assure him that he "really cares" about him.
"They wouldn't wake up on exam morning to mum and dad cooking breakfast"
DS1 (day school) didn't wake up on his exam mornings to find either my DH or I cooking breakfast here in the real world I commute 25+ miles to work through the shitiest traffic so leave the house at 6.15 in an attempt to get in on time and my husband leaves at 7. In contrast DS2 gets breakfast surrounded by 12 friends in the same boat the camaraderie that exists between them is exceedingly strong, other boys who've been there already so know what it feels like, house staff who know they're sitting exams who encourage them to eat, an HM whose every waking moment is concerned with their welfare and wants them to do as well as their parents do. My friends is a matron she speaks for three languages fluently plus English (even qualified a degree in French and Italian for those who think boarding school staff aren't properly qualified but most importantly of all IMO a mother), she spent the nights before this years MFL orals practising with the boarders and in the morning before breakfast whilst getting them up laughing and joking and reassuring them in French Italian etc. I'm not saying mum and dad cooking you breakfast before an exam is not as good but it's not the only way.
This is what others don't seem to be able to see thee is more than one way and no one way is the correct way.

Just to go back to Happygardening last post you said ..."I think you'll find there actually is no legal obligation for teachers to report abuse. The law is about to be changed following the unbelievably tragic of death of Daniel Pelka,(in 2012,) where teachers (for the record state day school) unbelievably saw him scavenging from bins, emancipated and bruised and decided not to report it that anyone.. how anyone let alone teachers can do this is to my mind extraordinary"
You are absolutely right with this and a change in the law is being sort but at the moment but is sadly not as far as, "about to change"..... The law would apply to ‘Regulated Activities’ ... this includes schools , children's homes, youth groups and more ... you are right is saying other groups are already covered by such legal obligations..
Because there is no legal obligation for schools to report abuse and because when children board their daily care is handed over to the schools it is sensible for parents to ask the questions ... What are the schools policies on reporting any abuse to the police ?
This does not mean I am picking on boarding schools as "bad " in anyway as previously suggested ..but some schools have been known to "deal with" abuses within the school and not report . Also this does not mean I know of any on-going cases but there have been cases which have gone through the courts where this has happened, only when others , including parents and ex-pupils have been to the police ...
This is entirely about making sure children are safe ..See Mandate Now or Daniel's Law where if you are interested you can sign petitions for change...

I agree with summer if boarding hadn't been a choice for my DS I too would have been drawn to considering all the real or perceived or disadvantages" or as I said if Id lived in Barnes and this had a viable day school option I might be firmly in the anti camp. Hacluyt this isn't "strange" it's obviously because I wouldn't have any real day to day experience of boarding, so a I would let my own opinions on family life and my own incorrect views on how boarding is organised affect my views.
There's lots of talk about small children boarding and many think it's wrong again I think this is just a knee jerk reaction. I was more involved with my DS's when they were small and boarding than I am now, sometimes I was in the school or seeing them 4 times a week, they could if they wanted to come home on Saturdays and go back on Mondays although often school trips or friends were a bigger draw, small children are very communal, as far as I can see it was an endless round of pillow fights, dorm raids and elicit midnight feasts (supposedly unbeknown to staff), DS1 now doesn't board but talks very fondly of those days, a child I was recently talking too was saying his time at his full boarding prep were so much better than his time at his weekly boarding senior school. We see things through adult eyes children see things differently.

I don't think it's all as good as pro boarding make out ime.

byah CP happens to be shall we say my area of interest and the point I was trying to make is that most boarding schools have both qualified doctors and nurses (usually full time) working in them and both have a legal obligation under their codes of conduct to report child abuse. It doesn't matter what the school policy/actions are in such cases or that the nurses are employed by the school both are when the push comes to the shove accountable to their governing bodies and for their actions. Obviously this does not make the system fool proof but it certainly helps. Let's not forget Daniel Pelka was at a state day school.

On the whole the children at dds school (she is a day girl at the monent) are previously state educated children whose families would never have imagined just a few years ago that their child would be attending a private residential school.

There is homesickness, there are problems but many ofvthe children had problems before (not fitting in, not being able to access the type of education the school
Provides etc).

""It's wrong, always; it's taking children from their families, ruining family life, destroying them as people, condemning them to a future of angst and counselling, demonstrating how little their parents care about them and is actually a sophisticated form of child abuse sanctioned by society because it's performed by rich people".

Well it's hard to have any sort of discussion if you characterise people who disagree with you like that, yes.

Marsha you've just said that you're talking from your experience but we're, well at least I am, talking from mine. Why can't we have different experiences? You believe your experiences are valid why can't mine be as valid? As a bit of a movie buff I frequently read reviews some films I think are pure crap get wonderful reviews and vice versa it's normal we all respond differently to things and have different experiences.

I've been doing some reading on this because it was incensing me so much yesterday ...

Am I right in thinking that the reason Daniel Pelka fell through the gaps is because there were no allegation or disclosure as such? That the law is different for reporting suspicions (eg, that child is underweight or excessively withdrawn etc...) than for reporting actual reported crime (eg, X says Y hit him)?

That said, despite the letter of the law, any boarding school which aims to be at the top end of the inspection framework (so almost all of them, and certainly every one I would countenance either working in or sending a child to) would have stringent reporting procedures. It is certainly clearly within all the guidance for boarding schools that reported abuse and suspected abuse be handled appropriately and immediately.

I am glad a few of us left on here still retain a modicum of humour.

In all seriousness boarding can not be determined for one reason for all children. There are a multitude of reasons for different children to board. Yet there are many who shouldn't board for many other reasons too.
Boarding is a very personal subjective matter between child, parent and boarding school. All three need to be in place before it can be effective and useful. If either is out of sink then the experience could be extremely distressing for the child.

So it really should be dealt on a personal level one person at a time. There should never be one glove fits all with boarding. In fact a boarding school at which ones father excelled. Does not mean its the right one for your child.

In selecting a boarding school a lot of factors need to be addressed. So do boarder familes not worry if they had made the wrong choice. I would say yes they do. Most will talk with their children at home to try to elucidate even the most minuscule of unhappiness from their lips. Why because we care. To say we cart them off. So we don't need to care is so far of the mark.

Anyway...I am a boarder parent and I am proud of my choice. The important thing is my DD is a happy boarder. She may not be at a hot house school. Yet she enjoys it. She love the time she has to be herself.

Agian boarding is time and time is the most important commodity there is....