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Advice wanted on wording this letter

380 replies

montrealmum · 08/07/2014 19:36

Dear XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX,
We are writing to express our concern about the Year 8 Religious Studies Visit scheduled to take place this September.
Parents have been informed that girls who wish to attend the trip are required to wear trousers and a headscarf as a mark of respect for the religious institutions they will be visiting.
It is also our understanding that girls who do not wish to wear the headscarves or trousers, or whose families feel it does not accord with their beliefs, will be working on their own at school that day on Religious Studies coursework.
While I fully appreciate the need to dress respectfully on a visit to any religious institution, I feel I must draw a line at my very young daughter being compelled to wear clothing items intended for women to express their sexual modesty. Just as I feel it would be utterly wrong to compel a Muslim girl to remove her headscarf in order to participate in a school activity, so I feel it is wrong to compel my daughter, or any other girl, to wear one.
It would be very easy for us to simply agree to this request on the basis that the headscarf may be seen as nothing more than a temporary fashion accessory, to be worn for an hour or so. However, I am sure that a Muslim would not regard it as such, and nor do we. While respect for religious traditions is surely admirable, is it not the case that respect for our views as atheists and feminists are equally worthy of consideration?
We would urge the school to consider whether such an approach does truly promote community cohesion surely with a little more communication, an agreement could be come to which is mutually agreeable to all. We would hate to think that any girls first exposure to Islam would be one of unnecessary compulsion.
Perhaps an agreement that girls have the symbolism of the headscarf explained to them, and are given the option to wear one on the day, would be more conciliatory. Or at the very least, that an option is given to those girls who choose to abstain that is not tantamount to an internal exclusion.
Given these objections, we find ourselves in the unenviable position of having to choose between our sincerely held beliefs and putting our daughter in a position where she feels excluded and socially isolated.
We therefore reluctantly give our permission for her to attend on the day and follow the strictures set down, but do ask that you give serious thought to our concerns about this matter.
We would like to thank the school for their choice of role models for the girls, such as Rosa Parks and Emmeline Pankhurst, women who understood that following social conventions is not always the best choice to make.
Thank you for your time,
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

OP posts:
proudmama2772 · 08/07/2014 22:27

I don't think the school was right to ask female students to wear a head scarf and I think you are correct to write a letter. Students are being encouraged/compelled to engage in a faith decision that they may not agree with. I think they should be encouraged to respect women who wear head scarves, but they should not be encouraged to wear a head scarf if they don't agree with the practice in principle.

It is really important that more people speak out against this without being afraid of sounding bigoted. This is beyond to PC

mineofuselessinformation · 08/07/2014 22:27

Maybe I've missed it..... But you don't state that you've contacted the institution yourself to find out their stance on this - surely until you have, you are making a protest over something that may not even be an issue. If it is a requirement to enter, you would then be in the position of refusing to comply with their conditions, not the school's. Is seems obvious to me to do so, but hey....

happygardening · 08/07/2014 22:30

But montreal this religious institution has kindly invited/allowed your DD and her classmates why is it so wrong to comply to their wishes when under their roof? They are not saying this is what she should always do just this us what is expected in our building? Why do you think it's ok for your daughter to offend them?

wannabestressfree · 08/07/2014 22:30

If we received your letter at my school we would read it, chuckle, waft it about to other teachers for amusement, warn other staff you are 'one of those' and file it in the bin with all other such letters.

What drivel....

montrealmum · 08/07/2014 22:31

Happy gardening, no I do not ascribe to them when in Rome" philosophy. Does that work if one is in Apartheid South Africa? North Korea? Plus, my daughter is not on a trip to Rome, she is at school.

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 08/07/2014 22:31

*IT

montrealmum · 08/07/2014 22:32

Wannabes tress free,
Your name sums you up. Delete.

OP posts:
happygardening · 08/07/2014 22:33

Proud so on this basis you would expect to be served pork scratching and sausage rolls at a Jewish wedding if you didn't agree with the principle of not eating pork?
Unbelievable.

titchy · 08/07/2014 22:34

Presumably you would chooseNOT to visit N Korea and apartheid South Africa though. And your dd can choose not to go on the trip.

So you really don't see yourself as intolerant then? Despite your refusal to respect others views when visiting them? Wow...

mineofuselessinformation · 08/07/2014 22:34

You're not sending her to South Africa fgs. Don't demean yourself by trying to equate the two.

purpleroses · 08/07/2014 22:35

But isn't she "forced" to cover up parts of her body that we consider private every day?

She's a child in legal terms but most 13 year olds have hit puberty and already understand about keeping some parts of their bodies private. She's just learning that some cultures have a different definition of which parts are private surely?

ArabellaRockerfella · 08/07/2014 22:35

PROUDMAMMA - Would you wear a bikini to a church wedding or a christening?
You don't need to be afraid that you might sound bigoted....you actually are!
Interesting first post by the way.

fourcorneredcircle · 08/07/2014 22:38

I know it's tempting to keep rising to this poster, Lord knows I want to bite back but let's just all walk away. If we don't feed them they can't feast.

happygardening · 08/07/2014 22:41

No your daughter is not on a trip to Rome but she's on a trip to a religious institution where she been kindly and generously invited and where people who cover their heads and if she doesn't do the same it will offensive to others. The fact that you can equate covering your head out if respect and apartheid or an appalling dictatorship shows just how narrow minded and bigoted you must be.

montrealmum · 08/07/2014 22:43

Thanks for the first constructive feedback thus far. I did ask the teacher in charge if she had actually done this, but the response was that it was decided that a blanket policy of wearing headscarves and trousers was easier to avoid all doubt. So it comes from school primarily.

OP posts:
purpleroses · 08/07/2014 22:47

Of the teacher isn't sure that it's actually required by the place they're going then I think you should contact the place directly and ask if they require headscarfs on 13 year olds.

Of they don't then I do think you should take it up with the school. But not otherwise.

TalkinPeace · 08/07/2014 22:49

The child is going on an outing where it is appropriate to wear certain clothes.
The same applies to a day in the woods or at the beach.

montrealmum · 08/07/2014 22:50

Happy gardening,
Why does my eleven - year old daughter's hair offend them? She is a school girl in school uniform and is no more offensive than a eleven year old girl in school uniform and a headscarf. End of. Don't try to PC me into thinking that my choice for my daughter not to wear a headscarf is in any way different from another mother's choice that her daughter should wear one.

OP posts:
purpleroses · 08/07/2014 22:53

How is she in Y8 of she's 11?
Year 8 are 13, or nearly 13

montrealmum · 08/07/2014 22:53

Please can I make obvious to posters who seem to think I propose sending her in a bikini. ..she would be otherwise wearing SCHOOL UNIFORM.

OP posts:
happygardening · 08/07/2014 22:55

Maybe the teacher isn't sure if they're required but strongly suspects they are and feels it would be inappropriate to enquired especially as it won't do any of the children any harm to cover their heads. We have some Hindu friends I don't ring them and ask if they can eat spaghetti bolognese it would just seem inappropriate somehow, ditto a Buddhist friend I wouldn't ring and say "is it ok if we have lamb chops for dinner when you come tomorrow" because it might put him in an awkward position. There are times when compliance with friends beliefs is just the easiest and most decent thing to do. Not questioning if on this occasion could they but there beliefs to one side. What harm does it do?

montrealmum · 08/07/2014 22:55

She is currently 11, due to turn twelve on August 29. Not what difference that makes.

OP posts:
TalkinPeace · 08/07/2014 22:56

montreal
If they were going on an outing that said 'stout footwear and long trousers' would you object?
If they were going on an outing that said sun-hats compulsory, would you object?

Religion is a PITA, but the best way to get kids to realise that is to let them experience it and work it out for themselves, not have you force your prejudices onto them.

purpleroses · 08/07/2014 22:59

But she in the year above where she should be?

Year 8 are mostly aged 13 which is a bit different from (largely prepubescent) 11 year olds.

happygardening · 08/07/2014 23:03

I don't know why your daughter is expected to cover her hair but their religion says it is, she is I'm assuming in their place of worship therefore you and she should respect their beliefs. I just don't see why you've got a problem with this.
My Hindu/Buddhist friends don't eat beef/meat. I definitely don't agree with their views, I'm very fond of cows but I don't believe that they are Gods, and as a fully paid up member of the hunting, shooting, fishing brigade I don't agree with my Buddhist friend but I respect their views what harm is it doing me? When they invite me for dinner I don't demand steak and kidney pie.
It's all about being tolerant of different views and outlooks in life.