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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Chose private over state secondary - have we made the right decision??

76 replies

whoknowswho · 31/03/2011 13:09

We chose a large academic indie school over an outstanding cofe comp for our ds to start in Sept. DS is super bright and we have been given brilliant financial help from the school. Although I am sure he will get the best education at the school we have chosen; I have now started to worry about how he might mix with the other children (I am assuming many of them will be from priviledged backgrounds and we are an ordinary working class family who will struggle to pay even the very low discounted fees). I realise we are very lucky to have this opportunity, but can't stop myself from wondering if we should have just plumped for the comprehensive and stayed within our comfort zone!! I'd love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

OP posts:
TheWomanOnTheBus · 31/03/2011 13:35

Save yourself some money. 7 years of stress when you have an outstanding comp on your doorstep seems crazy.... he will do fine at the latter.

Gooseberrybushes · 31/03/2011 13:38

You'd be surprised how many ordinary people go private. I wouldn't worry. They are not all princes and princesses. Quite a lot drive old bangers (fees) and live in houses they can't afford to do up (fees) and don't go on holiday ever (fees fees fees). He'll be fine.

colditz · 31/03/2011 13:38

As they give a lot of help, you may find that there are other children there who receive a lot of help.

Bugger your comfort zone. You're in the catchment for the comp - let him try the private and if it doesn't work, sling him into the comp where he certainly won't be behind everyone else. the same might not be try if he moves from a comp to a selective private - he may never be able to catch up.

i don't know what your own education is like, but there is more support with homework at private schools, at comps they tend to lay homework on them and leave them to get on with it - great if your parents can help you, but not great if they both left school at 14/16 like mine did!

Gooseberrybushes · 31/03/2011 13:38

lol at "he'll be fine" from both of us

I mean he'll be fine socially. Academically, he will probably be better off private.

LondonMother · 31/03/2011 14:09

Every child is different, every school is different. My son goes to a large, very academically selective independent school - if his sister's school had been co-ed he would probably have gone there instead. His school has been absolutely fantastic. He is an all-rounder and very bright and I can honestly say I haven't had a moment's worry about his education in 5.5 years. The amount we are paying in fees shows up most in things like the ease of communicating with staff, getting regular emails and letters, lots of notice of things happening, assessments every half-term, huge range of extra-curricular stuff going on. I know there are state schools where this is also the case but my daughter's school couldn't match it and that was an 'outstanding' school.

He previously went to our local community primary school and this was not at all unusual at his school. The boys come from a wide range of backgrounds and all seem to get on very well.

I think he'll be fine at the independent school socially and academically. He'd probably also be fine at the local school, but there must have been a very good reason why you made the choice you did - go back over that now! I remember this as a very nervy time when my son was in year 6 - we'd made the decision about schools but there were still months to go before he started and I fretted a lot about it. So did he, I think - he was like a different boy within a very short time of starting, after being thoroughly bad-tempered a lot of the time in the summer and I think it was nerves.

Good luck, whatever happens!

FloreatEtonia · 31/03/2011 14:18

Parents should move out of their comfort zones to give their children the very best. The comp will be mediocre compared to the indie.

Original poster
whoknowswho · 31/03/2011 14:30

Thank you all for your replies. Reassurance was exactly what I needed. Your right LondonMother - I need to remember why we made the choice in the first place. I think i'll feel better when we've been to the new parents meetings and DS has been for his taster day. I'll try and find something else to worry about in the meantime to take my mind off it!!!! Thanks again.

OP posts:
atthecarwash · 31/03/2011 16:36

Flor....I don't know how you can say that an outstanding comp will be mediocre compared to the indie school.

A bright, hardworking child will do very well in an outstanding comp. Worked for me and will work for my dc too

Lilymaid · 31/03/2011 16:47

We were in a similar situation and never regretted sending DS to the academic independent school. But it depends on the school and the type of child who goes there. In our case, the independent school was interested in academic ability over social class and the pupils were not social snobs. The pace of learning was rapid and the teaching staff excellent.

Original poster
whoknowswho · 31/03/2011 16:52

Lilymaid did your DS know anybody in his cohort before he started?? If not how long before he established friendships? Also do you have other DC's, if so what route did you/will you take for them? Sorry to bombard you with questions!!!!

OP posts:
peteneras · 31/03/2011 17:04

"I am assuming many of them will be from priviledged backgrounds and we are an ordinary working class family who will struggle to pay even the very low discounted fees."

Believe me, from my experiences the biggest snobs I?ve come across are those from the state sector particularly those from grammar schools. The kind of air some of these parents put on at the school gates is stomach churning, to say the least. What was it they say about ?empty vessels??

Please do not assume anything; the most privileged (funnily enough) are about the most down to earth and most humble. Believe me, even the ?poshest? school on earth has a fair share of ?ordinary working class family who will struggle to pay even the very low discounted fees?.

Congratulations to your brilliant DS. If the indie school that you intend to send him to is worth its salt, your DS will be greatly admired both by the pupils/parents as well as the school/staff there solely and purely on his academic achievements and not which run-down council estate/castle he comes from.

mummytime · 31/03/2011 17:24

Just send your DS to the right school for him. It is fabulous you have such a choice. Which school does he want to go to?

If you lived near me then the Independent school and state school are both fabulous, a child may end up at Oxbridge from either, but different children will get the most out of each school.

Dozer · 31/03/2011 20:09

Have confidence in your choice and that, if for some reason things don't go well, you and ds will sor it out!

Lilymaid · 31/03/2011 21:34

whoknowswho
My DS had met two boys briefly before he started at the school. Both weren't over friendly at the time but turned out to be good friends. DS had a miserable first day at the school and thought he'd not make friends (2/3rds of the boys came from the school's prep, the rest from many different state and prep schools. That first evening he then thought about a boy who he'd spoken to and decided to talk to him more the next day. The rest of the seven years he had plenty of friends.
DS2 wasn't as academic and so went to the outstanding local 11-16 school with his school friends but went to an independent sixth form - again he knew no one when he started but made lots of friends from all over the world and did far better than he would have done had he gone to the less good state 6th Form he had been offered.
I'm certainly not anti-state schools - we and the DSs chose the schools they thought they would be happiest at and do best at in the long run.

Original poster
whoknowswho · 31/03/2011 23:07

Thanks Lily I feel much better hearing that. Thanks to all for replies.

OP posts:
FloreatEtonia · 31/03/2011 23:14

An outstanding comp does not compare to an outstanding independent but dream on... Wink

atthecarwash · 01/04/2011 10:05

no need to dream flor..........I got 9 As at GCSE and 3 As at A level at an outstanding comp....are you telling me I could have done better if my parents had paid for my education? I don't think so.....as I said before, an outstanding comp will work if the child is bright and hardworking and the parents are supportive.

But an Indie school will work best if the child is mediocre ;)

FloreatEtonia · 01/04/2011 10:12

If all you value is academic achievement then by all means don't waste your money. Hopefully the OP can see the bigger picture though.

Congrats on your great qualifications atthecarwash. :)

TheWomanOnTheBus · 01/04/2011 11:07

Flor... but then when they get to uni the comp students soar ....
www.suttontrust.com/news/news/comprehensive-pupils-outperform/

stillstill · 01/04/2011 11:10

whoknowswho, sounds like you and DS will be very comfortable with your decision. Good staff at a good school will be impressed by the quality of your DC, a fair barometer of parental attitude, and how he'd fit in. You obviously all passed with flying colours!

FloreatEtonia, you may be wrong, or having a bad day. My DS's year produced three Eton King's Scholars and five Westminster Queen's Scholars, so I have a little experience in this. He only went to an indie because there was no adequate (We were not worried about "outstanding") local comp taking boys. Was your DS a Scholar? Mine was. He certainly would have done just as well at a good-enough comp, unlike the few discourteous chaps who relied on the school name to puff up their self-esteem. Parental attitude (rather than how many millions a boy got for his 13th birthday, yes really truly) was a much better indicator as to how well they thrived socially and academically. The ultra-discreet staff were not impressed by sad souls either. Neither were the boys, and they're plenty smart enough to spot and deal with these types.

atthecarwash, not all products of top indies are like FloreatEtonia on a bad day, and you seem big enough to keep giving everyone a chance.

grovel · 01/04/2011 11:16

stillstill, was your DS at Eton or Westminster? That's some prep school!

FloreatEtonia · 01/04/2011 11:29

stillstill, are you saying that an outstanding comp offers just as much as the likes of Eton? Hmm

the point about the SuttonTrust is still missing my point. Academics are important to a point but it's not what gets one truly far in life.

stillstill · 01/04/2011 12:09

Flor... I'm saying that it's not what the school offers that's key, what matters for your one child is whether they can blossom to be what they could be.

Think gardening and livestock, with just the basics, the most amazing specimen will emerge. People are resilient, they change, they learn. Young people even more than the likes of us. So, yes, for some specimens, and they aren't that rare either, a good comp will offer just as much as Eton. For the really exceptional ones, Eton has little more to offer. Eton is a great great place, it's not the only one. I know that it has its share of boys where things don't work out, just like comps, and it's big enough to not pretend otherwise.

Insurance is appealing, but most people get on with life without it, and are no worse off as a result. When it's worth their while they'll get it. It's optional and functional, not ideological.

It would help to say what the point is that we're all missing? Networks? Access to next steps? It's a new century, the theatres are changing, the conduits to success, however you define that, are wider and more open. It would be good to know what your point is, and whether it really can't be got in other ways.

peteneras · 01/04/2011 12:50

I'm afraid you've lost me in what you're trying to say, stillstill. One moment you said your DS only went to an indie 'because there was no adequate (We were not worried about "outstanding") local comp taking boys' and the next moment you insist 'a good comp will offer just as much as Eton'. [dream on!]

And what's the idea in asking Floreat whether her DS was a Scholar or not whilst in the same breath you tell us your DS was?

grovel · 01/04/2011 12:57

Why has Floreat put an "i" in Floreat Etona?
I think we should be told.