Chose private over state secondary - have we made the right decision??

[whoknowswho]

We chose a large academic indie school over an outstanding cofe comp for our ds to start in Sept. DS is super bright and we have been given brilliant financial help from the school. Although I am sure he will get the best education at the school we have chosen; I have now started to worry about how he might mix with the other children (I am assuming many of them will be from priviledged backgrounds and we are an ordinary working class family who will struggle to pay even the very low discounted fees). I realise we are very lucky to have this opportunity, but can't stop myself from wondering if we should have just plumped for the comprehensive and stayed within our comfort zone!! I'd love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

[stillstill]

peteneras, we all have dreams, but some of us know when to wake up. And you know, it's a little juvenile to quote so selectively. You appear to have left out the "for some specimens" part.

Nevertheless, going the extra mile, and assuming your question was genuine, the point is that I so have a little experience in the full range of boys that go to Eton. Do you? Is your DS a King's Scholar? Or was that another dream?

[whoknowswho]

I fear I have started something here..... !!!
I know that my DS would do well in the local comp and I know many who have done wonderfully there and at others that don't have the "outstanding" ofsted report. Its what suits your particular need that's important, I realise that now. Deep down I know that he will get on much better at the indie because of the additional subjects and the breadth of learning they will offer him (that maybe the comp would have difficulty doing because of targets etc), and that's why we made that choice. I am struggling with friends and other mums at school who say "well if it was me I would have gone for the comp" - but that's easy to say when its not your sons future your talking about. I'm sure I'll still be worrying until the first week is over but I would be wherever he went - he's my baby not a high school boy!!!!!

[stillstill]

Go with your heart, whoknowswho. He'll do well with such a fine mum. The friends and other mums will catch up with where you are soon. He'll make lots of friends because they wouldn't have made the offer unless he fits what they want.
Enjoy the baby part too!

Never mind our prattle, sometimes we forget other people have emotions too.

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." (Martin Luther King Jnr)

[mummytime]

Who if the independent is right for your son I'm sure he'll blossom. But just as one boy might do better at St Pauls than Eton, or Westminster rather than Winchester, or Wells than Chetham. Similarly some might do better at their local comp than an independent, in fact I know some who have blossomed when moved. It all depends on the child, their interests and the opportunities they will value.

Parents tend to get very emotional over it all, and justify their decisions, but really the only justification is that its the best choice for my child and my family.

[peteneras]

It?s not a matter of quoting selectively, stillstill. If I were to quote your whole essay it would only show up more contradictions and your pomposity and runaway feeling of self-importance. According to you, ?for some specimens? it doesn?t make much difference in going to the local comp which can offer just as much as Eton. Why on earth did you send DS to Eton (assuming this is true) is what puzzles me seeing that he?s one of that ?rare? specimen of ?King?s Scholar? calibre?

Again, your assumption that just because you ?have a little experience? in the full range of boys that go to Eton and therefore, by definition nobody else is qualified enough to speak on the subject is another patronising statement. Likewise, your assumption that your DS is/was about the only KS (King?s Scholar ? in Eton speak) in the School is mind boggling. For your information, and I?m surprised I have to remind you this, one who knows so much about Eton, there are at any one time over the centuries till the present day, 70 King?s Scholars at Eton.

I?m not even prepared to go into discussion here whether my DS is one of the 70 King?s Scholars at Eton ? there are others here who know and I rather let them speak instead of blowing my own trumpet here.

So much for dreams!

[grovel]

May I just say (as the parent of a lowly one-time oppidan) that this thread has become rather nasty?

[peteneras]

Grovel, you are too humble. Oppidans are not lowly as you put it. Believe me, there are some Oppi's who can show KS's a trick or two and bring them down to earth.

And quite rightly so, if you'd asked me.

[OliPolly]

Why are people so nasty about Independeny Schools? What is the problem?

I have seen it loads on MN and in RL where people look at the whole thing in financial terms and ignore all the other reasons why people send their children to indies. Stereotyping and being very general about everything.

Anyone can come up with a perfect example to describe a fantastic state or private school and a horrible state or private school. Enough.

I am getting angry because I found out yesterday that my neighbour will not let her children play with mine because mine go to a prep school How stupid.

[grovel]

peteneras, I'm not really remotely humble. My DS was given an honorary ME in C block so he got a couple of years with alphabet soup after his name.
Oli, I don't think some "independent parents" on here help the cause. Your neighbour seems downright bizarre.

[VivaLeBeaver]

I'd look round both schools and choose which I thought was best. Not going just on results and Ofsteds but from gut instinct after talking to teachers, seeing other kids there, etc.

An outstanding comp can definetly be better than a private school. Comp near us has a 99% GCSE pass rate, local private school is 75%.

[Gooseberrybushes]

It's true about parents on here. Once one started a thread about a child injury at school. When it emerged it was a prep school the response was "what do you expect, it's your fault"

[stillstill]

peteneras, well all those here who know also know there are some KS mistakes...

[atthecarwash]

Flor thanks...... I've done well haven't I ;) Not bad for a comp

Stillstill...totally agree with you

[laInfanta]

He'll be fine. When I was at school there were a fair few people on scholarships whose parents wouldn't have been able to afford the fees themselves, didn't matter a bit.

[FloreatEtonia]

Grovel, I keep telling EVERYONE that the "i" is meant to be there in my username but I am getting so fed up repeating myself that I am going to change my name.

stillstill, if DS is/went to Eton as your choice because you didn't like the local comp then your arguments are invalid. If that were the case then you would have found a cheaper independent day school or bought yourself into a good catchment rather than spending all that money on Eton fees.

I find your questioning of peterneras credentials hilarious....

[Colleger]

Floreat is now Colleger. Take what you want from that stillstill!

[stillstill]

Most parents get over the College thing by the end of the first term. It's hilarious that you're still hung up on it.

Having lived in several continents and finally settling, we wouldn't dream of changing our home for a catchment area.

Also if you can dish it out, you should get less touchy when it's dished back :)

Guess we're all different.

[Colleger]

I was being sarcastic when I said Colleger because you were the one that kept going on about King's Scholars. You are not right in the head!

How am I being touchy, mayve you should look at the emoticons I'm using and calm down?! I couldn't care less what anyone thinks of me but come on, "I didn't like the local comp so we slumped for Eton eventhough he would have done perfectly well in a state school"!

[MissMontoya]

Personally I would opt for the outsanding local comp. Save your money and spend on holidays, extra curricular activities and other life-enriching experiences!

[Changechangechangeagain]

I think it can be quite tough to be the poor kid. Probably easier for bOys than girls.

Friends ds is at a very well known school. He has a couple of poorer friends but they have found things like birthday parties (£20 present spend) hard. Worst was when he was invited to friends house in Italy for a few days. Flights and car hire meant they couldn't have a holiday ( he and mum were invited). I know parents could have said no but it is hard and he came home so excited.

But only you know your child. You can always move back to state it's usually easier to get places once y7 entry is over. I would go for private and see how it goes.

[grovel]

Erm, Floreat, are you living your life through your son?

[Colleger]

??? grovel

Why would sending DS to Eton be living my life through my son. Old boys tend to send their son's to the same school. He is more keen to follow in my footsteps.

[cory]

Tbh I would tell myself that I have chosen now, and I will believe this is the best decision- otherwise it will get very confusing for your ds. Any move to secondary will be moving slightly out of his comfort zone: it's a big change in your life whichever way you look at it. See it as something positive and exciting.

As for the general argument about which type of school offers the most experience, I would say that a state educated child at a good school and an independently educated child may well have access to the same range of rounded experience- the only difference is that the state child is more likely to be getting part of this experience outside of school. There is nothing to say you can't have as many riding lessons and sports clubs and hiking experiences just because the school doesn't organise them- for those who do not pay school fees though they could, the money can be spent in other ways. It simply depends on how important it is for you as a parent to have it all organised by somebody else.

My state educated dd goes to excellent drama lessons and her friends do a wide range of sports and other leisure activities- it just doesn't happen to be on school premises. Doesn't matter at all to us.

[Speedbump]

I was a council house kid in a selective private school. My grandparents paid for my fees because the state school wasn't fulfilling my needs.

There was a tiny bit of snobbery but nothing that I couldn't handle. I made some good friends and got an amazing education. If I had stayed in the state system, I might have scraped my GCSE's but because of the small class sizes and excellent teachers, I got 8 B's and 2 C's. I was the 5th lowest in my year, most got 10 A's/A*.

Please don't worry about your son fitting in, he will be fine. Most private school children aren't too different from state school children other than the fact that their parents can afford more. They still all wear the same uniform and usually don't realise that someone isn't as privalidged as them until you invite them over to your house. Even then, you've usually built a decent friendship so it doesn't matter.