Chose private over state secondary - have we made the right decision??

[whoknowswho]

We chose a large academic indie school over an outstanding cofe comp for our ds to start in Sept. DS is super bright and we have been given brilliant financial help from the school. Although I am sure he will get the best education at the school we have chosen; I have now started to worry about how he might mix with the other children (I am assuming many of them will be from priviledged backgrounds and we are an ordinary working class family who will struggle to pay even the very low discounted fees). I realise we are very lucky to have this opportunity, but can't stop myself from wondering if we should have just plumped for the comprehensive and stayed within our comfort zone!! I'd love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

[Colleger]

Actually, you'll notice I never bring up the subject of Eton but join in....

I am no more obsessed about Eton than I am about biology where I happily spend more time on other forums discussing the subject. The fact that I have never noticed your username and yet you have noticed mine proves that you must be obsessed with mumsnet.

[Colleger]

There are a lot of usernames on here that are very noticeable and most of the ones I tried to opt for were taken.

[Colleger]

Not that I should explain myself but the previous username was chosen as a tongue and cheek joke for the benefit of a few members on here. Hence they got what the"i" meant!

[OliPolly]

Colleger - I don't think you need to justify your username to anyone! Its yours

[Colleger]

To the OP, if DC has been given a lot of financial help to go to the independent school then one of the other reasons I think you should take it is because it frees up a place at the good comp. Not everyone is bright enough to get a scholarship or a place at an independent school and there only choices may be a dire option. Of course that is not the fundamental reason but adds to your list of choosing the inde over the comp.

By the way, are you still holding onto a comp place? That would be very unfair if you have decided on the inde and if you do not hand in enough notice the fees in lieu are often for the full fee not the scholarship fee.

[whoknowswho]

Oh no colleger the decision is very much made - we accepted the scholarship and then let the LEA know to give the comp place up. I guess in my original post I was looking for people to tell me i'd made the right decision because I was getting jittery about my decision albeit made and I wasn't getting any positive vibes from my friends!! Thanks for your advice.

[Colleger]

I wish DC all the success and happiness at his/her new school. Don't worry about other parents. It does take a while to gain confidence as a first time buyer to the independent sector but there comes a point when one no longer cares. Negative comments and unpleasantness only comes from unhappy people. One word of advice is don't expect an independent school to be perfect but you have done the best you can for your DC and you can't do anymore. :)

[peteneras]

whoknowswho, all I can advise you is to be prepared to lose a few more "friends" but I hope you're luckier than me. One of my best, (no, 'better') friends of a few years literally stopped talking to me the moment she discovered my DC was going to a private school. And to think I was invited to her posh house and introduced to her posh friends at Christmas/New Year's Eve parties prior now seems very hilarious!

Some people!

Colleger, I rather like your new username as well as the old one you've just discarded.

Hmmm . . . think I'm gonna call myself Henry the Sixth from now on.

[Colleger]

I think you should or maybe Fourth of June?

P.S. Never discarded, just dumbed down the way OE's have to in every walk of life. Shame on those boys for going to Eton!

[whoknowswho]

Peteneras - Thanks for the advice.. Think I'd rather that the friends in question stopped talking to me than roll back their eyes whenever DS or I mention secondary schools!!! I personally have been trying not to mention it much - even trying to avoid the subject somewhat. But I will not stop DS from mentioning it he should be very proud of what he's achieved (although he would never brag - that's just not him!!).

I've just been going through the uniform list for September - think I need to sell an organ!!! good job they've got a hand me down shop!!!

[peteneras]

It's inevitable - friends, neighbours, relatives etc. are bound to notice that DS isn't around as much as before when term starts and they would innocently make enquiries as to his whereabouts. Private schools usually have very long days and even lessons and other activities at weekends. Even worse if it's a boarding school.

Hopefully, there will be ones who will be genuinely happy for you and DS. In my case, a certain friend from the church never fails to send DC a Christmas present and a generous birthday gift a few months later, each and every year. To be honest, I'm now actually embarrassed to receive these gifts on DC's behalf - he's at boarding school.

If money (fees) is not an issue, years from now you will look back to this period of DS's time at this large academic indie school as one of the very best times of his life. I assure you there's absolutely NOTHING to worry about re the more privileged pupils/parents that are in the school. It never did bother me, not for a split second but that's generally my natural attitude. You WILL make many new friends both parents and pupils - just be your natural self.

[menagerie]

Sorry, not read the whole thread, but just wanted to say to OP:

you must have had reasons for wanting to try him for the school. he must be bright to get such a high bursary from the school.

Why should working class children not get that education? No reason. Why should wealthy children think only people from their social class get their privileges? No reason. It's good for all them to see that bright academic children come from all walks of life, and it's good for them to make friends. Don't doubt your choice and don't assume everyone will be wealthy. I know a couple of families in tiny terraced houses whose children are at Eton, and I bet they're not the only ones. Lots of very ordinary parents near us have children at private schools on bursaries. Thats' what the bursaries are for. Let him go to the school.

We're looking into private schools. I have no interest in social elitism, but can't deny that the private school near us offer so much more than even the well thought of comps. Whichever education you truly think will be best for him - go for that choice.

[bristolcities]

It's really not the case that private would be better than good comp. My sisters goes to the good best comp in the area and the private that is very close is basically just a hold up before hopeful parents get there children in to the comp.

[mrsmbuble]

Bristolcities, do you mean parents send their kids to the private secondary whilst being on waiting list for the comp ?

[mylittleponies]

I understand your concerns OP and to be frank, if I was having doubts about sending my child to an indie school, the thought of having to mix with the likes of some of the parents who have been responding on this thread would be enough to send me running back to the comp quick smart! Some of the self important preening that has been going on here (about where one's CHILD not even oneself goes to school!) is quite nauseating.

I'm sure your DS will be fine though OP, IME girls seem to struggle more with these type of issues; social relations and hierarchies seem to be more acutely experienced for girls than boys in any school or social setting. As PPs have said, just be confident in your decision, and remind yourself (and your unsympathetic friends if needs be) of why you chose this school for your DS in the first place.
Wishing him all the very best for the years ahead - I'm sure they'll be the best years of his life!

[bristolcities]

Yep lots of parents try on appeal. But the catchment area is so tiny it's really tricky. Comp is now an academy. And achieves far better results that the private.

[thinkingaboutschools]

Peteneras - interesting your comment re losing friends.

In respect of Eton - would you say a middle class child from an average background would slot in easily without feeling inadequate? I am interested for many years hence - but not too soon to start thinking about it!

[peteneras]

In respect of Eton - would you say a middle class child from an average background would slot in easily without feeling inadequate?

Inadequate in what??

But if I'm right in thinking what I think you are thinking, then honestly, thinkingaboutschools, this would be the very last thing you should worry about. I've lost count now how many times I've told people that this problem simply does not exist at Eton. My DD attended a grammar school and I found more snobs there.

All Etonians are dressed the same (except for the King's Scholars and some senior boys) and that billionaire's son wouldn't know if your son is indeed richer than him or not. And nobody would ever ask. There's a good 20% (out of more than 1300) of boys at the School on bursaries and/or scholarships and I dare say many of them come from more deprived backgrounds than you. I've never met one who felt 'inadequate'. Some of them even have their uniform given to them, brand new of course, by way of an allowance. Some are even given pocket money and a laptop (necessity) if you can't afford to buy one.

The boys themselves are more keen to find out what kind of talent(s) your son has that may give them some competition.

[thinkingaboutschools]

Thanks Peteneras - very helpful.

It is snobbery I was thinking about. We earn reasonably high salaries and I would both hate my child to either be subject to snobbery or equally think he was any better than anyone else.

[happygardening]

Hi just joined converstaion. We are not a particularly wealthy family who put two children through a top boarding prep due to being given a bursary. Most of the parents at the school were VERY wealthy we're talking Sunday Times rich list wealthy. In general most people were friendly, it was pretty obvious that we dont have 400 million in the bank we drive a clapped out car and we live in an ordinary house. The other children at the school didn't care, and interstingly the more weathly the parents the less they seemed to care. Some people may have chosen not to talk to us because of it but so what. My older son has now left and we were tired of paying school fees and having nothing else in our lives and worrying about every bill so decided to send him to the local state conp with an excellent reputation he has never been happier and is now doing better that he ever did at the prep!
On the other hand the younger one leaves this year and is going onto the most academically selective boys boarding school in the country (assuming he passes their entrance test in a few weeks). We have been offered a very very generous bursary. I do not know the aswer to the original question. Both options have positive and negatives. I wouldn't worry about the snob factor more importantly do you want to financially crippple yourself for he next 5 - 7 years? Especially if you have a good state school on your doorstep.

[magdalene]

Well done to your son for getting his bursary and all the best to him. My DD goes to a state primary and there are wealthy people there who are snobby and snub me! I don't think it's always clear cut. I am sure he will find friends like himself and he will always learn his values from you. The home environment is still really important. Also I think really bright children DO need to be in the private sector where they'll be challenged and motivated. Good luck!

[onceamai]

Please go for it. A year or so ago we took money out of the equation and chose a secondary for DD (school with an amazing reputation). It has been a total disaster - school is trading on its reputation and can't handle the behaviour of the children it's now admitting due to a change in admissions procedures. The school was not up front about changes to the curriculum or to changes to admissions. We now can't transfer dd to a decent indy because competition (she had five offers a year ago) is high and they are all full. Total disaster. Tried to do the right thing and it has backfired big time.

[shivanjali]

Onceamai, what do you mean by 'changes to the curriculum' and 'changes to admissions' ? Was it an 'outstanding' school that didn't live up to its rating ? We have three of these near us and most converting to academies but that is a whole other thread.

I am finding that whatever school people choose, they usually back it 100% once they are there and it is hard to find people saying anything negative about their choices or being critical so it is refreshing to hear your view just sad it didn't work out for you.

[onceamai]

A languagae has been dropped from the curriculum and the school is now expanding to more forms of entry. We specifically questioned the first before accepting the place and were given the wrong information. The expansion has been bounced on us.