Guilt Free Railing 14

[WouldBeGood]

😱 I think we will need this thread.. could it be the last?!

Poor lad. I do agree that the system needs an overhaul and parents really need to be 100% up for it.

When oldest DS was in P1 there was a child who joined their class who had been adopted by a local couple. To say he was "troubled" was an understatement. He was one of those kids you read about in the newspaper, utterly neglected and removed by force from his parents, emergency foster care, longer term foster care, adoption. He was violent, foul-mouthed and a very very sad and angry little boy. His adoptive parents are an older, professional couple, probably early-mid 40s when they adopted him. They both went part-time at work and spent so much time and invested so much effort in their child. Improvement was slow. DS and the boy were together in beavers and cubs, the dad attended every single meeting to make sure he could step in if needed. Every school trip. Every after school activity, he had a parent there. In P7 when the kids did their residential there were still a few concerns so again, the Dad gave up a week of his own time to accompany his son so he didn't miss out.

Anyway, long story short, the boys are now grown and left school, both at Uni and the turnaround those two parents achieved is remarkable.

I don't think either of them would say it was easy, but they gave it their all and they've done a fab job on him. He's polite, well-mannered, happy and enjoying Uni.

I've observed similar - I do think that people adopting should have the same level of support as those fostering, I'm surprised that it's not in place it seems so clear that those children and their families would need respite and ongoing support.

But adoption means the child is yours. You can’t just hand your own child back if they become a bam.

I think adoption is intrinsically wrong anyway. But respect to that couple @MLMshouldbeillegal.

I have both personal and professional experience round this issue, hence my heartfelt railing.

But adoption means the child is yours. You can’t just hand your own child back if they become a bam

I think the issue is many of these kids are 'damaged' before they are adopted, attachment issues, abuse, neglect, born with drug addiction, or alcohol related issues.

It's not like adoption of the 50s, 60s, and 70s when the tiny babies of unmarried mums were handed over to loving couples who would supposedly give them a better up bringing.

The 3 kids who I know who are adopted we all at least 3 and half before meeting adoption parents. I can't imagine what it does to a child to be shown photos on Sunday meet them on Monday and move in on Friday.

Yes, but people must know that?

Don’t take a child on if you’re not fully committed as you would be if it were yours

I’ve worked in a child protection job and have also brought up a child who’s not biologically mine, with attachment issues.It’s been very difficult but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I sound like a righteous wanker. Sorry.

Can I blame the Pfizer..? 😃

Off to bed

Not a righteous wanker at all. I'm also blaming Pfizer for everything. Now got a headache, a sore neck and I'm very tired and chilly.

I was so angry when I read this story ..and so sad for this little boy..
There was clearly a lot of history in this young lads life .what he needed was support and love.
My teenager lost his dad at 12. Did he lash out violently ..yeah, did he put himself in danger ..yeah..was he a right brat at times yeah. Did he damage the house .yeah
Did I give up.. no I bloody didn't because being a parent is a responsibility. It was bloody hard and.i said things and did things I'm not proud of..like breaking 8 casserole dishes in a fit of frustration and grief
But I did not give up .. 4 years later we have a wonderful relationship. He's become a credit to his dad , me and himself. He's polite charming, works hard at school

You don't quit on your kids . Adopted or not.
My heart breaks for what this boy must be feeling now

Sorry..small rant there..and breathe

You don't quit on your kids but at the same time parents can't live in fear either if the teen is violent. 65% off adoptive parents have apparently suffered violence from their kids.
I bet the percentage of natural kids whove hit parents is much lower.

Adoptive parents should be able to seek help, specialist help for them, and their children. Without waiting months and having to fight for it. But like everything else it comes down to £££ and votes. Cost money but not going to bring many votes.

That life experience is interesting would I agree with the sentiment that any choice to parent ought to be viewed as irreversible.

Agree lockdownbear - perhaps what we're saying overall is that respite options for desperate parents are extremely poor, and adoptive parents these days are taking on children with multiple needs and need to have respite - and like everything, easier to manage if you have a fantastic support network in place.

Not even just restbite but access to psychology services, people who can advise on the best way to deal with these kids who need different parenting to other kids.

I remember watching a Supernanny type program but with Teens, and a poor mum struggling with teen boys towering over her and being abusive and dogging school. She was stressed out. The psychologist totally turned that family around.

There’s none of that available to anyone @Lockdownbear. Children’s psych services are shockingly bad.

How are you feeling now @ElephantOfRisk? Don’t want to tempt fate but I feel fine. So no excuse not to do some exercise!

Very sore right arm (Pfizer arm), left is fine, still feeling a bit rubbish, mild headache and touch feverish but on the whole not too bad, just taken a couple of paracetamol and sure I'll be fine. Glad to here you've perked up

@WouldBeGood I know but I'm sure it would help many parents if their was, particularly those with troubled teens. But I get what you are saying I suppose the origins of the trouble doesn't really matter.

I do think more support needs to be given, if society still believes adoption is the best thing for these kids then we have a duty to support and try to stop so many adoptions breaking down.
I don't believe any adoptive parents goes in with their eyes shut but at the same time I doubt they are told how troubled some of these kids are.

I can't remember the country other than is was a Scandinavian country who poured their efforts into top quality care homes and top staff for "looked after" children they didn't believe in Foster care. I can't remember if they allowed adoption.

It sure would @Lockdownbear. I myself have had a really dreadful time with it.

That’s interesting about the scandi approach. There is support for official foster carers here. Financial, and SW input and respite care. But they’re not all as altruistic as one might hope. Dunno, it’s all so terribly sad.

Once again, the key is to tackle poverty and deprivation to stop the cycle. And fund good quality early years and mental health services. Not stupid cardboard boxes to keep your wean in.

Hope it eases off @ElephantOfRisk

I can't remember which country it was but somewhere felt children had better outcomes within in highly funded specialist staff care home than in Foster care.

Poverty and deprivation is only part of it. Abusers don't always fall into that bracket.

Proper child support services and better funding for all is what is required.

I went to school with a child abuse victim, neglect and sexual. Beyond a couple of odd comments I had no idea what was going on in that beautiful sandstone villa. It came out when she was a very messed up adult who eventually cut ties with me as I was part of her past. I haven't spoken in years but I often think about her.

That’s true. I’m no stranger to that. But in the context of adoptions it’s very much the children of poor people who are put up for adoption. It’s a vicious circle.

Agree on better services all round.

I agree @WouldBeGood, children placed into care often come from chaotic households with substance abuse, relationship issues, poverty, stress, poor environments etc. Obviously not exclusively but in the main.

Early interventions, ensuring bonding with babies/small children, better environments, better mental health and substance abuse support would all help to have children brought up by a parent (or relative) which is in the main the better situation.

There will always be the need for good care services when this isn't possible and it must always be a difficult situation having to make decisions especially if there is abuse/potential abuse in the home.

My new rail is the price of fuel! Over £90 to fill up 😱😱

😲😲 and how long will that last you? I think I was near £40 the last time but that was in September and I still have three quarters of a tank.

@WouldBeGood

That’s true. I’m no stranger to that. But in the context of adoptions it’s very much the children of poor people who are put up for adoption. It’s a vicious circle.

Agree on better services all round.

I know what you mean. But my eyes are wide open to the fact that middle class abuse just falls off the radar.

Maybe it's all a big picture, lift people out of poverty and some of the poverty related neglect and abuse will go away. Leaving SW to focus on the real nasty stuff going on.

thanks @Mistressiggi you may well be right, it just seemed strange to me as pre pandemic we were told by he then art teacher that DD was "her favourite" and "just wonderful" and "knows more than me"

I'd be more worried, I think, if it was a key subject like English or Maths. I feel sad more than anything as DD really loved art.

At most probably a fortnight @ElephantOfRisk 😱