Being 'used' for free childcare?

[BooksAndFootie]

Sorry... this is a bit long, but I think the details / context is important.

SS is 5 and stays with me and his dad (my DH) 3 nights every week all year round. The precise days/nights he's with us differ each week according to SSs mum's work shifts. We are happy to have him stay those nights so his mum can go to work.

DH is self employed and works Mon-Fri. I run a small business and also work Mon-Fri with some flexibility.

Before the summer holidays, SSs mum and DH agreed that SS would go to the daycare provided at his school on the weekdays that they are working throughout the summer holidays. There is a daily fee which they agreed to split between them. DH does also pay child maintenance.

She was concerned that the daycare is sometimes called off if not enough children are booked in. As far as I know this has only happened on one day in the Easter holidays. I said that if the daycare gets randomly cancelled I can flex my hours and help out if needs be.

(All sorted. SSs mum gets a cute new dog, and re-arranges some of the days we have SS as she's off on a mini-break - this is relevant.)

Fast forward to the third week of the summer holidays. SSs mum suddenly declares that she can't afford the daycare and alternative arrangements need to be made for SS on the weekdays they are both working. She said her family could help. Fine.

She then proceeds to ask DH if I am available on any day to provide childcare. I declined, via DH, and was quite annoyed that she thought I would be alright with that. Daycare had not been cancelled by the original provider. She had, seemingly, spent all her money on other things (dog, mini-break...) Her family (mostly her retired mother) looked after him - oh, with the dog too.

Fast forward again to this week. DH received a long ranting text from her complaining that he hadn't bothered to help out organising any childcare, that she was fed up of having to arrange everything with her family, and she is annoyed with me for not helping with childcare when I 'promised' I would.

DH replied, pointing out that the daycare plan was cancelled by her, due to her poor financial planning, and that she made arrangements all by herself to use her family instead. Also that I didn't 'promise' anything other than to help if the daycare cancelled on them.

Must admit at this point I was furious - the dog would've cost around a grand, plus a mini-break and other luxuries totalling hundreds of pounds. I did send her a text asking whether the child maintenance goes on the child, and pointed out that I am not a 'free childcare provider'.

She saw her arse (of course) and told me to keep my nose out of what she spends her money on and that she absolutely HAS NOT expected me to provide free childcare. The second and final message from me was simply pointing out that she has made her spending choices my issue by expecting me to provide a free childcare option to her.

She ignored me and sent a message to DH accusing me of being abusive (I definitely wasn't - there was no swearing, no name calling, no ranting, just very to the point as I have explained here). She said in the message that actually she CAN afford the daycare, she just DOESN'T WANT to pay for it or see why she should when her family are willing to help...

Wow!

So... why is she annoyed with me and DH? She has admitted choosing, without consulting DH, to use her family for free rather than pay for the daycare that they both agreed to, and admitted lying about whether she can afford it in an attempt to rope me in to adjusting my work schedule to help with childcare.

AIBU to feel pissed off about this?

(Also, for added context but not particularly relevant, I have 2 DDs of my own who are teens).

You don’t think nearly 50/50 custody is much responsibility?

Simply make YOU unavailable to her demands /requests... Leave the entirety of ss to dh... Obviously help yourself to the good bits! Suggest to dh her name isn't mentioned as you don't give a shit about her...before my dh went nc with mil we banned any mention of her and our relationship was much less stressed!!

You can tell him that he and ex sort their own shit and keep you out of it.

Ah, you might feel justified in questioning her spending, but you are not. Your dp is not either. She is an independent adand how she manages her money is literally fuck all to do with you. You thinking you can question it is absolutely a red rag to a bull. I think most people would be hostile to you commenting.

The childcare agreement was reneged on by her, but also your dp. It is grand for her family to step in, for her portion, but what has happened with your dps?

This is really not your issue. Bow out, let your dp and his ex sort it.

You really need set days each. Your dh works full time so he either confirms and pays 100% for care on his days or arranges alternative care for those days (either himself or asking you/some other family member). His ex makes plans for her days.

the way your DH and his exw have gone about this has made their childcare arrangements your business, it’s made her inability to pay for care on her days your business. It shouldn’t be.

His days & her days are the same days. She works 3 shifts per week and those are the days we gave SS. That’s why any childcare should be agreed between them and any costs split 50/50.

She does not work on the days she has SS, we only have SS when she is working, plus a couple of days here and there to have him every other weekend.

I do everything I can to insulate my DP from
any contentious conversations about care (or anything). When I didn’t it went wrong.

Leave this to your DH and his ex.

I'm really confused now too OP because you've started more than one thread in the past, stating that he only has two DC with his ex and neither of them are 5 years old?

Do a set rota of days and each organise your own care for those days.
That gives no space or argument for her to look for you to cover her days.

she needs to sort, just ignore her.

Her spending is nothing to do with you. Likewise, SS childcare arrangements are not your problem. Leave her to consult with DH and don't get involved. If you do anything ever do it because you choose to help DH and not to facilitate her.

OK - we have multiple children between us. There is absolutely no need for me to mention the older children in this discussion as their presence has nothing to do with the childcare for the youngest. I mean do you need to know I have a child that has moved out and bought his own home? "Suiting the narrative" suggests an implication that I might be making things up?? WTF?? If I choose to omit information that has nothing to do with the issue at hand that's entirely up to me!

Nope. We actually have 6 kids between us ranging in age from 4 nearly 5 up to 21. No need to mention ALL the kids in each individual issue!

🤣🤣 You're really gunning for me aren't you?! That's fine - you nitpick if it makes you feel good. Just to actually blow your mind - my DP and I have now been together OVER 4 years ... 😱 Go put that in your timeline and smoke it 👍🏻

If there is an agreement for the father to have the child 3 days during the week, then he needs to arrange his own childcare on his days.

Her choosing to use her family to save money on her days is none of your business.

You can't tell this lady how to spend her money but you could tell her 'from now on my availability to babysit your child is zero, you and his dad will need to sort it out between you'.

As explained, 'his' days are only the days that the mother is at work, therefore any childcare costs etc are split equally between them. She works 3 shifts per week and these shift days are when the children are with their dad. That's because it's what works best for her and he has agreed. She has zero other childcare costs when she has the children as she is not at work.